In all.honesty does anyone get a bit frustrated by the level of support dc require . ? And if so , what to do about it ?

[Jeeperscreeper]

Spefically those of us who went to uni and were expected to be independant after it. ?
I know the world has changed.

We are supportive and make allowances but we are struggling a bit to get the right balance. Dd seems to not know what direction to go in .whilst this is normal for a 22 year old , the drama around this and the expectation of level of support sometimes seems out of balance?
Backstory. Dd went to uni . Didnt like course. Changed course. Needed help applying as it was competative course. We accepted that school had pushed her to uni and she now re considering. Fair enough . Went over fact that this new course was both tough to get on and do and when qualified it would be a rewarding but very hard profession. Ok . Bought interview outfits.Took dd to interviews all round the country.. paid for us to stay in b and b as night before etc as early interviews. We work.
Dd gets offerd places .. return with her at her request to some open days to decide. Give dd my car as car needed for practice element.
Year later following placement and difficult issues there re practice on ward due to covid. Says its not what she expected.
So gets year out. Gets job. Hates job. Tells us all the time. Finds ideal job. Applies . We buy outfit for interview. Against odds gets it. Does not ask hours . Or rate of pay. Accepts it. Gets contract. Does not want job . Hours v v long.
Back to job hates.
I just feel that am on merry go round. This is seperate from boyfriend issues.
I feel like am wait for next crisis.
I want to be supportive but not hellicopter parent as she needs to practice independance ..? But doesnt seem to want it. ? It seems like its my life type of thing to her.. but do this and that..
Whilst we are family aibu to be thinkimg dd should refering to us less ? I want her to know she will always be supported but we cant always support in the way she seems to want.
For eg her peers ring their parents daily . She sees it as odd that i dont really want a daily call .. at her age i certainly did not call my parents each day.. aibu to try to get a balance of needs here .. ? She seems to think we are good parents if we call a lot wereas we dont feel we should feel we must but feel judged . Is this a generational thing to want to be in contact so much as they are used to phones all the time ? I never anticipated so much invilvment and I have told her that just because we do not ring each day at a set time like other parents we seem to get compared to , this does not mean we do not love her dearly .. we do .
Is this poss because we were expected to independant wereas the world has changed ?!!!!! Thank you

One of my friends is like this now and we are late 30s... her mum and dad pay her mortgage, she has never bought her own car, she will not drive anywhere new alone - her dad (in his 70s) has to go with her, so she will only drive to work, her parents’, siblings and the local park and shop. When we were at uni together she was constantly running stuff by her mum and dad - she even called them the first time she paid for something using her debit card.

She is trained in a highly skilled profession but is working a low paid version of what she should be doing because it’s easy to dive to, jobs with her full earning potential are in cities and the travel scares her. She’s missing out on earning about another £30k.

Her husband is a lazy, alcoholic sponger, but she needs to be in a relationship. Her mum even bought her engagement ring.

Her parents are lovely and they’ve raised 3 older siblings who are all independent and self supporting, I think they’re in a similar position as you in that they feel they have to help as she harangues them.

My mum and dad are very supportive and loving. Financially they did many generous things when I was younger - paid for driving lessons, bought me a car, matched savings to help - but all of these gestures were about independence. At home we were responsible for cooking for ourselves and doing our own washing and ironing from being 16, encouraged to get jobs so we could have mobile phones/petrol etc. I know my family are there for me but I’m proud to be independent. It sounds like she’s got self esteem issues.

I’d have a frank conversation with her and tell her this is having a big impact on you, that you are concerned for her and her future and you love her to bits but you won’t be around forever to sort things out. She needs to help herself and stop quitting stuff. I’d pull financial support, unless it was a genuine emergency. Stop with the lifts etc. She’ll probably fall out with you, but do you want her still doing this at nearly 40?

I was a bit like your DD in my 20’s and basically it came down to weight of expectation.
You say she’s pretty bright. She knows this too and frankly it sounds like she hasn’t found a vocation. Having crap jobs means she hadn’t failed at the one she really wants.
I had my DS as a single mum and that was the making of me. I loved running my own household and worked throughout pregnancy and beyond.. I coped much better than my married friends in many respects and am genuinely happy.

It’s not you it’s her. Suggests she does something completely different with her life.Get her to be braver about her choices.

I think maybe yourself you could try to work on letting go of the feeling that you are responsible for all her decisions. This is her life. She will make mistakes. You can't protect her from everything. You can't make her happy.

I bet she has actually learned a lot about what questions she needs to ask at interview, more than she would have if you had just told her what to ask.

She will build resilience by going through hard things and finding a solution by herself. Let her do her own reflecting and learning and solving. Ask questions rather than give solutions. If you continue to think that she will make bad decisions and that you have to prevent that, she will never learn how to make good decisions.

I do think it is a combo of personality and parenting style though rather than generational as I know overdependent "children" in their 30's who still behave in this way.

Math . Re anger . Very much so.

Iced.
The thing you wrote about being unable to manage the relatives pain , describes me exactly.
It gave me goose bumps .
I recognise my part in this . As I have ,over the years,started to be unable to seprate her pain from my own feeling of distress as struggle to tolerate it and it seems will do almost anything to avoid it. I have started to actually get anxious round her and i recognise my part in this.
I also admit that I sometimes feel afraid of her and her ' judgement 'of me. I am a bit of a gentle perosn thought and hate conflict so that does not help.
A typical interaction would be .
Me ." I just need half hour to myself to.watch .... "
Response. " well i would have thought you would have wanted to sit with me ". Cross.
Ok but I really want to chill and watch this for half hour.
The outcome of this ten mins later .. talking about what she wanted to talk about. .
Utterly recognise my part.
I dont know if it is a good eg but I feel tired out and give in . The alternative appeaers at times to be negative comparison of me to others.

Saying this she can be very kind and supportive.
She seems to have strong views of what a family should be like and quite often I do feel compared if I dont do what fits that ..
This is not all the time. She has many goos traits too .

@Jeeperscreeper

Iced. The thing you wrote about being unable to manage the relatives pain , describes me exactly. It gave me goose bumps . I recognise my part in this . As I have ,over the years,started to be unable to seprate her pain from my own feeling of distress as struggle to tolerate it and it seems will do almost anything to avoid it. I have started to actually get anxious round her and i recognise my part in this. I also admit that I sometimes feel afraid of her and her ' judgement 'of me. I am a bit of a gentle perosn thought and hate conflict so that does not help. A typical interaction would be . Me ." I just need half hour to myself to.watch .... " Response. " well i would have thought you would have wanted to sit with me ". Cross. Ok but I really want to chill and watch this for half hour. The outcome of this ten mins later .. talking about what she wanted to talk about. . Utterly recognise my part. I dont know if it is a good eg but I feel tired out and give in . The alternative appeaers at times to be negative comparison of me to others.

No, the alternative is assertiveness. Contact Women's Aid and do the Freedom Program, this is an abusive relationship.

You're scared of her reactions. You're tiptoe round her on eggshells afraid of doing anything to set her off. She's putting you down and getting angry at the merest suggestion she doesn't get her own way. It's not frustration, that's you making excuses for her behaviour, it's a massive sense of entitlement. She's riding roughshod over any boundaries you try to set. She's worn you down and you feel you've no option but to give in. You've options, but they don't involve expecting her to change, they involve you changing. You don't have to tolerate this. You shouldn't tolerate this.

@Jeeperscreeper

Saying this she can be very kind and supportive. She seems to have strong views of what a family should be like and quite often I do feel compared if I dont do what fits that .. This is not all the time. She has many goos traits too .

Nobody is all bad. If they were, everyone would see it clearly and walk away. It's the blowing hot and cold that keeps you there.

It doesn't matter what her reasons are for what she does. Even if it's a mental health problem. It's not ok for her to behave this way towards you. For any reason.

Her problems are her problems, she doesn't get to take them out on you. Her opinions are not more valid than your opinions, you're allowed to disagree with her, whether she likes it or not.

IMO I think parents can naturally fall into a habit of fixing things and wanting to make life easier.
A bad habit.

I'm definitely guilty of it sometimes and have a DH DH telling me "Billy, they will figure it out".

This is an interesting thread.

The most successful young adults that I have come across have been those who have been gently pushed to get on with it.

I think the expectation that work is a joy is an unrealistic one.

The most successful people I know work extremely hard and are honest about it.

OP,
Some therapy for you to support you I think would be helpful in showing you how to disengage a bit.

That you are afraid of your daughter's censure is not good.

I don't blame you for feeling exhausted by it all.

In the kindest possible way intended, I think you need therapy yourself to deal with this...

It sounds like you might have an avoidant attachment bond with her, which has made her overly clingy and attracted to narcissistic people. It would explain the personality tested and behaviours you have described. Mirroring the relationship she knows at home to feel safe outside of home, overcompensatingly kind yet changing rejection and danger.

Has she had chances to build resilience independently and not just in a binary do-what-I’m-told, or do the opposite way? It seems like a few of the examples you’ve given might’ve resulted in a shame response, rather than a “learn and reflect” moment.

She seems to need your approval and support and you seem to be withholding it, while telling her you need her to be happy independently from you, but to your standards of happy. Very confusing for a child at any age and not a strong foundation for independence.

You are the parent, you are responsible for guiding the child, but you seem to be throwing a lot of it back on her eg “look at all I’ve done for you and you’re still not happy or successful” so shaming her for the failures you see... and then she crumbles further... I feel bad for her between this rock and a hard place.

Please consider family therapy, and good luck

Little . I have always told her that she will be loved . Yes somwtimes i am warm and others grumpy etc. I sort of thought it was part of the spectrum of human behviour. .
If it is the case that my parenting has caused damage then am fully open to try to heal were I can .

I really dont think I shame her . I always tell dd she is a lovley human and that she is loved. I am.startimg to think of examples were I may have gone wrong and am happy to address what I can . Am aware that things like therapy can take a long time .Do you have any suggestions how I can support her in the here amd now.?

@achainisonlyasstrong

Also in terms of brain development, it's been found that male brains in particular only reach full maturity in mid to late 20s. Frontal lobe is still developing up to that time. So I think the "you need to find your own feet by the time you are 18" prob works for some people but def not for others.

The thing about this is that it's not independent of experience. Experience, making decisions, dealing with problems, etc, drives that brain development.

@Jeeperscreeper, I would be urging her to consider the possibility of therapy aimed at diagnosis and treatment of borderline personality/emotionally unstable PD. There are four subtypes.

Sounds like she needs to move out & be emotionally, financially & physically independent

You do have to practise being an adult. Moving out sounds a good idea.

Looking at the parts of her job she hated, eg patients "off their head" and night shifts, she hasn't got a hope of coping with medicine.

Ceilings . Yes . Unless adapts pretty quickly , not the right route at all . Its not just academic abilitlty.

So is she trying to get on to study medicine now or has she already tried that? She won't last 5 minutes to brutally honest and then she will just feel even worse surely?
Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick

No . Taking a year out .

I think universities play their part in this to be honest, and I say that as a lecturer. Ever since fees were introduced some students have seen themselves as customers to be served and waited upon. Just last week I had the “I’m paying £30k for this. You have to do what I ask” speech (from someone who showed up for the first time 7 weeks into the semester). We are tied by the hamstrings of module evaluations and the national student survey, so we give greater guidance on assessments, give extra classes on the assignment, loads of feedback on drafts of work - everything they want and are marked on, but not what they actually need - the opportunity to develop independence in their thinking and learning. While many are great and get on with it there is a significant minority who would happily move in with you and get you to do all their work if you’d let them. Your DD needs to develop independence - talking to her regularly isn’t a problem but all the stuff you keep doing for her is.

Oh blimey. She doesn't sound like someone with the resilience for that career.
OP I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether.
I would suggest she reads "This is going to hurt" which is a very frank account of life as a junior doctor.

I’m going to say it, because nobody else has!

Have you considered she’s autistic?

The lack of confidence the expectations you not being good enough chopping and changing of friendships not being sure of who she is demanding walking on egg shells etc

m.youtube.com/watch?v=wfOHnt4PMFo

Just a thought

I’m going to approach this a different way. I really don’t normally do this, but I’m going to in this situation.

I think you should consider seeing a councilor yourself. All that you’ve described here sounds very unhealthy for you and that you’ve unwittingly found yourself in in a codependent relationship with your daughter. I really do think you could benefit from separating out some of your feelings from hers and setting up some emotional boundaries.

You really do seem like you are trying your best to grow her into a happy healthy independent adult, but there are people that just never get there and I think you may need to prepare for that if it happens.

I really do wish you and your daughter luck and success, I fear that it will be a bumpy road.

Good god doing a medical degree with this attitude?! If that’s right she will be in for a rude awakening once she qualifies and is applying for specialty training as competition is rife and a level of maturity and resilience is required. Especially now post covid as we are facing recruitment crisis in my opinion. Many dr’s are not from privileged backgrounds and are Uber competitive/hardcore so she’ll struggle if she expects to be carried all the time!