In all.honesty does anyone get a bit frustrated by the level of support dc require . ? And if so , what to do about it ?

[Jeeperscreeper]

Spefically those of us who went to uni and were expected to be independant after it. ?
I know the world has changed.

We are supportive and make allowances but we are struggling a bit to get the right balance. Dd seems to not know what direction to go in .whilst this is normal for a 22 year old , the drama around this and the expectation of level of support sometimes seems out of balance?
Backstory. Dd went to uni . Didnt like course. Changed course. Needed help applying as it was competative course. We accepted that school had pushed her to uni and she now re considering. Fair enough . Went over fact that this new course was both tough to get on and do and when qualified it would be a rewarding but very hard profession. Ok . Bought interview outfits.Took dd to interviews all round the country.. paid for us to stay in b and b as night before etc as early interviews. We work.
Dd gets offerd places .. return with her at her request to some open days to decide. Give dd my car as car needed for practice element.
Year later following placement and difficult issues there re practice on ward due to covid. Says its not what she expected.
So gets year out. Gets job. Hates job. Tells us all the time. Finds ideal job. Applies . We buy outfit for interview. Against odds gets it. Does not ask hours . Or rate of pay. Accepts it. Gets contract. Does not want job . Hours v v long.
Back to job hates.
I just feel that am on merry go round. This is seperate from boyfriend issues.
I feel like am wait for next crisis.
I want to be supportive but not hellicopter parent as she needs to practice independance ..? But doesnt seem to want it. ? It seems like its my life type of thing to her.. but do this and that..
Whilst we are family aibu to be thinkimg dd should refering to us less ? I want her to know she will always be supported but we cant always support in the way she seems to want.
For eg her peers ring their parents daily . She sees it as odd that i dont really want a daily call .. at her age i certainly did not call my parents each day.. aibu to try to get a balance of needs here .. ? She seems to think we are good parents if we call a lot wereas we dont feel we should feel we must but feel judged . Is this a generational thing to want to be in contact so much as they are used to phones all the time ? I never anticipated so much invilvment and I have told her that just because we do not ring each day at a set time like other parents we seem to get compared to , this does not mean we do not love her dearly .. we do .
Is this poss because we were expected to independant wereas the world has changed ?!!!!! Thank you

I’m of a similar age to your daughter OP. I do call my mum most days, but for a chat, not to demand anything or tell her I need XYZ. I will ask her for advice but I’m an adult, I don’t expect her to sort my life.

I’m 1000 miles away from her managing a full time job, a masters degree, a 12h per week language course and normal life on top. My parents supported me greatly as I grew up, but also taught me how to be independent. I wanted to go to uni, so I was in charge of applications/arranging travel/taking out loans. My dad drove about 700 miles to move me in when I started my first year, and that was it. Since then, I’ve moved countries 3 times and have managed to do it on my own every time. They’ve offered to help but why would they, when I’m perfectly capable and don’t necessarily need someone else? I had 3 part time jobs alongside my first degree and again, I just got on with it. My mum most definitely did not buy my outfits. I was an adult and had the ability of going to a shop and picking out some clothes.

I know different families have different dynamics. It’s not wrong to help adult children. But I do believe your DD needs to start learning some independence. She is, after all, an adult.

Dusty.because it the same conversation and its about how shw hates the job and its overwhelmimg to apply for others .

It does sounds like far far too much "support" and it is almost giving her an excuse to give things up because they are too hard/not what she was expecting because in her eyes you should have told her/stopped her/guided her better. Does that make sense?

It is hard these days because (a) life is different and tough for young people now with rocketing house prices and much more competitive job market and I understand why parents - including me - want to try and hep compensate for that if we can and (b) many of us had a too-harsh approach from our own parents and WANT our children to feel more supported, able to say if they are unhappy etc. because we didn't dare for fear of disappointment. It is a tricky balance.

But you are going too far with the pandering. Buying new outfits for every interview!?! Driving her around and staying in B and Bs with her?!? I went to all my Uni interviews on the train on my own and would have been mortified to have mummy tagging along. Even my 16 year old (with mild ASD) prefers to get himself around as it makes him feel grown up. I can't remember the last time I gave him a lift anywhere (I would be happy to within reason).

I do think parents have gone too far in trying to ensure their children are happy and entertained at all times and not hungry, bored or disappointed for a single second. Perhaps it is working parent guilt? Constant activities, days out, snacks, "family time". FFS kids need to be bored sometimes to develop their imagination and resilience. The trouble is they get to age 18 and they, understandably, still expect to be the centre of the universe and can't cope with normal life. And yes it is normal to work hard if you are trying to get into a profession and/or get a degree, and there will be setbacks you have to learn to cope with and overcome.

One of my cousins has three boys, quite a well off family, all very bright, always having experiences and adventures, but adulthood arrived and none of them could hold down a job or secure a qualification because they couldn't cope with the boring drudgery of real life work.

Starting the placement in covid time must have been tough.

YANBU op. Our ds is 14 and I am nearly empty of patience.

I’m 34 and my dad still rings me almost every day, my mum rings probably ever other day.

Why is she needing so many new interview clothes? Surely she just needs one good quality black shift dress that she can wear to all interviews/funerals/other formal but non-party occasions, and then all she need is a new pair of tights each time?

You don’t have to keep offering to do these things for her if you don’t want to. It sounds like you don’t want to do them, is she actually asking for any of this apart from the phone calls?

Omg! we chat on the phone with our 20 year old daughter at University once a week, if that! Are we doing it wrong? I'll have to ask her how often her flatmates speak to their parents. I'm astounded it's the norm to speak every day.

I have a 26 yr old and making the transition from mum to friend isn't an overnight thing but it must be done or we would stagnate in our outgrown roles.

As well as gently making it clear that financial support and ferrying around will taper off now, it may also help to begin leaning on her emotionally. Nothing drastic, just things you would say to a friend, eg "can I ask your advice about this work situation?" Or "I felt a bit nervous when I spoke to X, I'm not comfortable with assertiveness."

Signalling that you trust this woman (and she is a woman) to be wise and clever and insightful like any other friend can sometimes go a long way to giving that final push out of the emotional nest

Honey . Your firsr paragraph makes complete sense ! Thanks .
Its just i strugglw to know what to do about it.
She appears to get angry when we say some hard truths or dismisses them . I really think have lost parenting confidence as whilst tried to get her to be independant I find it a hard juggling act with.
The fact that it is harder in many ways now . Such as pressure of dept re degree.
That my parents didnt support and I strive not to.be like them in some ways .. it is also a combo of personality things as with our other dc , who we brought up the same, is really independant. Dd has always wanted to bw near me .it waa commented on by visitors infact . Eg did not like watching tv for half hour by herself as most kids do.
The also idealises other families at times.

OP I don’t understand, I’m sorry.

I have a child with a disability who’ll need help for the rest of his life. I’m his parent. I love him. It may be inconvenient to me. But his needs come before mine.

I am nearly 40.

When I went to uni, I can think of only one girl who had Mum and Dads money/attention on tap. One. And she was an only child.

In recent times I've met lots of different young women in their 20s, and there is a notable difference in the ability, maturity and self sufficiency of those from lower socioeconomic backgrounds who didn't get everything given to them, and those who have had and continue to have their path snowploughed for them. It isn't a generational issue, it's an approach issue, you are still viewing her as a child.

@Jeeperscreeper I can really relate to your DD and sympathise - for reference I'm 30 and struggled in a similar way in my early 20's.

My mother panicked a little but my dad sorted the situation out. He sat me down and quite bluntly said I needed to learn to be an adult - and that he'd help me in every way he could.

He moved me out of the family home into a small rented studio - that he paid the first months rent for, made sure I had a job and some basics to fill my cupboards with and basically told me I couldn't rely on him for money any more unless it was a genuine emergency! It seems harsh but it was done with such love, I was nervous but fine. He and my mum guided me as I set up my utilities and helped me learn to write a household budget.

I still now ask my parents for advice but I don't rely on them for anything else.

@Dustyboots

OP I don’t understand, I’m sorry.

I have a child with a disability who’ll need help for the rest of his life. I’m his parent. I love him. It may be inconvenient to me. But his needs come before mine.

I'm sorry to hear that. But it's not really the same. This is an NT adult as far as I can tell and she can't carry on this sort of nonsense forever.

*Year later following placement and difficult issues there re practice on ward due to covid. Says its not what she expected.
So gets year out. Gets job. Hates job. Tells us all the time. Finds ideal job. Applies . We buy outfit for interview. Against odds gets it. Does not ask hours . Or rate of pay. Accepts it. Gets contract. Does not want job . Hours v v long.
Back to job hates.

If she wasn't being chauffered, clothed, accompanied and in a financial position to decide she doesn't want a job with long hours she'd have to sort herself out. OP also says there are separate boyfriend issues!

I'm not that old and by 22 I'd managed a degree, a first job in a call centre on a temp contract and to be renting a flat with my fiancé.

point them in the right direction, sit back

if they keep asking for help, explain where and give suggestions of where to find information and leave them to it - whats the worst that can happen?

I have a dd22 who is find her way, i've learnt to bite my lip and make encouraging noises - she'll get there.

works, earns, paid for driving, saved up for car, goes abroad on holiday etc I don't pay for stuff, she does

cooks me dinner sometimes now, so thats nice

I’m a bit older than your daughter and I don’t know anyone who wants to have daily chats with their parents. We all love our parents, but daily chats mean the conversations are rubbish. At least fortnightly we have something to say! A bizarre amount of the chat now the roadmap has been unveiled is about how to nicely keep parents on a fortnightly visit/call schedule...

Is she telling you everything because the chats are so frequent that she’s just emptying her mind onto you?

Does she have friends?

I was the same Ellpellwood. I also had no choice but to work and be independent/ survive.

But people are not the same in their mental resilience are they? In that respect it’s not so different from me with a child with disability. My child is very resilient and mentally strong, just cannot use an essential part of his body.

He struggles less than kids who are mentally fragile though and will do his damndest to survive.

OPs daughter sounds fragile and mentally struggling. She needs help and her parents need to help.

Nobody is considering the impact of Covid either. OP is quite dismissive of her daughter struggling with that element of her work.

Put it this way OP - imagine yourself dead and gone. Would you wish from your grave that you’d helped and been there to meet your daughter’s needs at this moment?

Kids brains don’t mature and until they’re 25. She is still a child.

The gentle parenting and wrap aound support seems like the kind, loving thing to do, doesnt it, at first? But this thread shows how (unless it is actively tapered off throughout the adolescent years) it actually doesn't help anyone, both parent and child are suffering now.

This is really interesting thread.

Certain elements, are to me at least, red herrings. The contact and the financial support, I know several young adults who are varying frequencies of contact or receive varying degrees of financial support from their parents and don't have the issues you're describing. My three eldest DC are late teens to early twenties and so I have a good cross section of knowledge from friends and their parents about whats 'normal'. You can have daily contact with your dd, you can provide her with financial support if you so wish, but you also need to put in boundaries and realistic conditions. You need to manage her expectations.

I appreciate this sounds like a lot of 'you' and not much of her but at this point she is still a product of her environment, cultivated by your parenting. Until you cut those apron strings you can't be devoid of responsibility.

Fundamentally, it sounds as if your dynamic has gone askew. I agree with previous posters that your DD is living the best of both worlds, she is playing at being an adult and being able to fall back on your support makes it easier to give up or change her mind.

I absolutely agree on generational differences, from conversations I have with my DC and their friends, my own opinion is they have an unreasonable expectation of being happy and fulfilled in a way my own friends and I never did.

Try and make the move to her solving her own problems. Like another poster, I ask my DC what their options are or how they plan to resolve the issue. I may make suggestions, but I absolutely won't do it for them. Consider cutting down your contact a bit to give some breathing space, or try switching to text as keeps some distance. Set boundaries, and put reasonable conditions on your help.

Also even when she asks for help, I would consider if you're really helping in the long run. As an example taking her, and staying at the B&Bs for the interviews. She wanted you there I'm sure, but imagine the confidence boost had she done it on her own.

Don't compare yourself to other parents, you don't know their circumstances of motivations. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Dusty . We do want to help her .. its not that . . We want to help her to grow indepenance . And to think clearly .

@Lougle

Honestly, she's your DD. She's asking for your support. You need to give it. She hasn't got the resilience you expect of her, but there you go. You don't stop being a parent at 18.

Huh? So when OP is 85 she should still be doing packed lunches for her daughter and driving her to job interviews?

You’re not actually helping your kids by doing everything for them, you’re creating a weak and dependant adult.

Sorry, long post but also meant to add. It is of course normal for DC to be different and have different levels of emotional resilience but unless you have genuine concerns regarding your DD's mental health, that resilience should be buildable.

Don't see it as tough love, see your goal as building her independence and resilience. Question your instincts when it comes to help and support. Avoid offering help, wait for her to ask, take a moment and consider does she need it. Maybe she just needs a quick pep talk to remind her she's fine without you.

@Jeeperscreeper

Dusty . We do want to help her .. its not that . . We want to help her to grow indepenance . And to think clearly .

Honestly, don’t do her any more favours. Let her find her own way to interviews, don’t give her any money, and when she next has a job tell her to find a flat.

@Jeeperscreeper

I know what you mean about the car. However , dd could not get to do the practice placements for uni without it . As the uni placed her in a rural hospital. Another parent bought a brand new car for the same reason. I agree we do too much . Please can anyone maje suggestions how to alter this .. it does not feel right to pull the rug from under her all of a sudden.. so we need to take responsibilty for this ( raising expectation ) and wean both dd and us from this position . Idea s most welcome and appriciated. She asked us to go to med degree interviews with her as she was really anxious . Other parents did go . I think we feel overwhelmed and need to reasess and would appriciate positive advice on how to do this .!

Start modelling Real Life for her. Some examples:

When asked to go to interview, why didn't you say: sorry I'm working the next day so I can't stay over, or sorry we can't afford to book a b&b to accompany you? I know you technically could afford it but if you resented the expense because it meant your go without something else it's justified to say you can't afford it. That's what most people mean, not that they literally haven't got the money. You could have arranged an evening phone call for emotional support.

WTF were you buying her interview clothes when she had a job? When my bestie and I started working we also started buying our own clothes, naturally. The clothes we bought were the clothes we needed for work, not the clothes we wanted for going out, those came later when we could afford it. Why should it be any different today? Also, interview clothes are a white shirt and black trousers/shoes, which you can buy in the school uniform section of a supermarket cheaply. Better things come when the person can afford better things.

Regarding the car situation. If she doesn't have a car and needs one for the course, but can't afford to buy one, it means she can't afford to do the course and will have to pick something else. Or if you were feeling generous you could have bought her an old car in the understanding she pays you back x amount per week until she's paid for it. Offering an interest free loan like this is not unsupportive.

Having been supported to do a course, you could have told her in advance the support was conditional on her sticking to the course. Then expected her to do that whether she was enjoying it or not.

With job hopping, how much do you enjoy your job? Have you explained to her the simple fact that most people would prefer not to do their job, but they have to do it anyway? And have to find another job before they quit the first one. Expecting some money towards bills (no matter what) if she lives at home would help with that. She's an adult and living there so she should chip in towards bills. It's not unsupportive, you're still saving her from having to pay rent and council tax too. If she moves out make it clear she can't quit her job and move home, she'll need to do what everyone else does and find another job before she quits the first one so she can keep paying her bills. That's not the same thing as not being there for her in an emergency eg needing to escape an abusive relationship or something.

Tell her to stop going in when she moans constantly. You needn't be horrible about it but let her know that you're a person with your own life and interests, not just someone there to hear her vent. When she starts try asking her what she's going to do about it (whatever it is). If she had no answer but starts off moaning again try offering a suggestion or saying you're there if she needs any help with whatever she decides. Learn to be assertive and politely end a conversation you don't want to be having.

If she doesn't live at home try phoning once weekly on your day off, having a pre planned reason in your head for needing to end the phone call after x amount of time eg needing to go out. Let her vent during that phone call. The rest of the week screen her calls, don't call/answer unless you feel like having a chat and have time for it, and try to direct the conversation a bit so it's not all about her life or her venting. If you don't answer and it's really urgent she'll leave a voicemail or text you with the problem, if the problem is something she ought to be able to sort out herself then don't feel like you have to rush to her aid, it's ok to call her back in a day or two and ask how she solved xyz. You don't need to listen to her moaning non stop or run round after her just because you're her parents.

@Jeeperscreeper

She has had a job . Worked throught sixth form . Likes to earn own money.

Then she can buy her own “interview outfits”, pay for a b&b room and can buy herself a car. By the time I was 22 I had bought myself 3 wee runaround cars, I had worked at Tesco since I was 17.

If she worked through sixth form, likes earning her own money, has had the nouse to decide she doesn't like a uni course and switches, and having got a job decides it's not for her and the job she dislikes is the lesser of two evils, that all sounds to me like she is making decisions for herself.

Buying (one or two) interview outfits isn't such a stupid thing to do when someone is in their early career, and buying a car for placements is a useful thing to do if you can afford it. Taking to interviews is also a nice thing to do if they would be difficult and expensive to attend by public transport. I would have not have taken myself to uni interviews or open days, my parents took me (though they didn't go the actual event) - to be fair I couldn't drive then though and car was cheaper than train.

None of this sounds that odd to me, except that you are feeling pressured OP? So you just need to gradually cut the umbilical cord. But I don't think you've brought this on yourself and I can never understand all the MNers who think you are an inadequate helicopter parent if you do anything for your adult children.