In all.honesty does anyone get a bit frustrated by the level of support dc require . ? And if so , what to do about it ?

[Jeeperscreeper]

Spefically those of us who went to uni and were expected to be independant after it. ?
I know the world has changed.

We are supportive and make allowances but we are struggling a bit to get the right balance. Dd seems to not know what direction to go in .whilst this is normal for a 22 year old , the drama around this and the expectation of level of support sometimes seems out of balance?
Backstory. Dd went to uni . Didnt like course. Changed course. Needed help applying as it was competative course. We accepted that school had pushed her to uni and she now re considering. Fair enough . Went over fact that this new course was both tough to get on and do and when qualified it would be a rewarding but very hard profession. Ok . Bought interview outfits.Took dd to interviews all round the country.. paid for us to stay in b and b as night before etc as early interviews. We work.
Dd gets offerd places .. return with her at her request to some open days to decide. Give dd my car as car needed for practice element.
Year later following placement and difficult issues there re practice on ward due to covid. Says its not what she expected.
So gets year out. Gets job. Hates job. Tells us all the time. Finds ideal job. Applies . We buy outfit for interview. Against odds gets it. Does not ask hours . Or rate of pay. Accepts it. Gets contract. Does not want job . Hours v v long.
Back to job hates.
I just feel that am on merry go round. This is seperate from boyfriend issues.
I feel like am wait for next crisis.
I want to be supportive but not hellicopter parent as she needs to practice independance ..? But doesnt seem to want it. ? It seems like its my life type of thing to her.. but do this and that..
Whilst we are family aibu to be thinkimg dd should refering to us less ? I want her to know she will always be supported but we cant always support in the way she seems to want.
For eg her peers ring their parents daily . She sees it as odd that i dont really want a daily call .. at her age i certainly did not call my parents each day.. aibu to try to get a balance of needs here .. ? She seems to think we are good parents if we call a lot wereas we dont feel we should feel we must but feel judged . Is this a generational thing to want to be in contact so much as they are used to phones all the time ? I never anticipated so much invilvment and I have told her that just because we do not ring each day at a set time like other parents we seem to get compared to , this does not mean we do not love her dearly .. we do .
Is this poss because we were expected to independant wereas the world has changed ?!!!!! Thank you

I think maybe you do too much I'm afraid.

My mother was not one bit involved in my schooling. I remember applying to Oxford completely off my own bat. I got an interview and went shopping for my own interview clothes, completely on my own. I remember I was planning to get a coach there, and on the morning of the interview (which ran over three days), I was feeling a bit nervous and said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go and asked Mum if she would drive me (about an hour's drive away). She said no, and that if I didn't want to go that was up to me!

I did go, and I got in. Absolutely hated the first term, but it didn't even occur to me to drop out. I knew no one was there to catch me and I had to make the best of it. And I did and things got much better, and I found my own career path and made my own way in the World, entirely on my own. I HATED my job (extremely stressful and very long hours) but it wouldn't even have occurred to me to quit - I knew I had to depend on me and only me. I stuck it out, and 20 years on I have a successful career and make a lot of money (and hate my job marginally less ).

DM is lovely by the way (maybe doesn't sound it, but is!) but my whole life I have been expected to just crack on myself. And I look back and feel sort of shocked at how little support I had, and think how different I would be with my DD; but then I think, if I had felt like there was a very big safety net underneath me, maybe I would have dropped out of Oxford, and dropped out of my career. And maybe, actually, she did me a favour.

I think i get a little confused between what i think a good mum shd do. At 15 she was with a boy and he was immature and i knew they were goimg to have sex and alomgside discussions i did also take her to the clinic i wanted her to be safe. I havw always allowed parties in out home as i knew she and mates were drinking and i made it clear that i wd rather they were not. However. If i said no i knew they wd do it anyway so i said id rather they do it in a safe place than on a cold street corner. My friends teen some of which did the same thought the kids were not drinking and it was simlpy thay they didnt know. I have taken her to.std clonic in her 20 s
I was not tryimg to be a cool mum .. rather an honest one .. maybwe she has got used to.a level.of support.. and not outgrown the desire for it wheras my expectation s were greater natural independance .

She sounds a bit lost. She needs some careers guidance, I think. It sounds like she's aiming too high in a bid to get your approval really. She need a bit of help to find something she's actually interested in, and you need to reassure her that you'll be just as proud of her if she decides to work in a role that's maybe not as highly regarded as the jobs you and your DH have had.

@Fr0thandBubble your story sounds great in theory but I bet there’s been a fair bit of unhappiness along the way.

There’s a middle ground between your mum’s attitude and the OP’s.

I “stuck it out”... if there’s something I’ve learned, it’s that that isn’t always the best course of action.

It has just occured to me . I have been trying to keep.her out of trouble.. with boys and drink and a bad ish crowd from.age 15. I think i have been supportimg her out of fear that it will fo wrong , and realisticaly it will, if i dont .. so its a self.protection thing.. i need to help now .. or pick up.the peices ... been like this for years... now she ia older i still feel.alert for her bwhevour as apart from.wanting her to be safe and not unhappy

I kmow that if i dont i have worse to deal with . Feels a bit fearful
Just hit me then .

Put them In the bin

I have always said uni is not for everyone. Shw has nothing to prove to us .
She also knows the lows of my prof career.. I never idealise it.
We have always said that being a good human is more important to us than any qualification . We have always discussed practical.jobs and apprentiships etc. We have always told dc that they will.always be loved.
My feeling is what is demanding of attention amd some pooe.choices is lack of confidence .

Poor choices in boys etc i mean .

OP, I think your view of what is 'normal' parental involvement is being skewed by your daughter's peer group.

I was very independent from 18 years of age and never would have spent time with someone who needed so much support from their parents, because I'd have seen them as weak.

Your daughter's peer group is probably a bit self-selectung ie she is attracting/spending time with those who are not resilient and need lots of parental support.

Not saying you should pull the rug from under her suddenly (that would be cruel, better to take a year or so to gradually wean her off this level of dependence). Am just pointing out that you should perhaps not place too much weight on what her friends expect by way of parental support.

1sweat
Thanks . Good point. She was at a v good uni . Most , if not all ,in her group come from much wealthier backgrounds than us. Hence the buyimg of thw new car, no funding stress, having the heat on as much as they want . They also do have parents who seem v proud and involved exeot for one .

The best lessons in life are learned from the mistakes you make.

Of course it is so hard dealing with the mistake, the fear, embarrassment, guilt, shame that comes with it. However, afterwards, that is when change happens!

i think as a parent we just need to be there not to prevent the mistake but to let them know that we are there for them by offering a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on. Not necessarily to offer solutions or prevention even. Sometimes just saying simple words like ahhhh, hmmmmm, yes, etc is all they really need. It's really hard asking questions such as 'what do you think should happen now?' but not pass judgement on their answers - rather paraphrase whatever they have said back to them.

You sound like a very supportive and loving parent. As your DD is doing a medical degree and in this pandemic it must be even more challenging. Good luck

I think the other parents sort of expect to support financially because they can . Also they have big houses to accomadste etc. ? Factors like this may influence as it easier to support if you can pay for your dc uni fees for eg and less stress for the student .. etc etc.. several ofnthe household were daugters of co sultants .

I forgot to say .. thank you all for.your support !

OP it doesn't matter what other parents do.

Parent the child you have.

I know . Thanks .i appear to have lost my parental.confidence !

I went to a very good uni too. Most of my peers had parents who paid for their degrees and with whom they lived at home.

I have been more professionally successful than most of them - because I worked harder and was mentally tougher.

Stop comparing your parenting to theirs. Do what you objectively think is best for your daughter.

And good luck. You obviously love her very much.

I think you need to be less available

I also have a similar DD - and I’ve stopped being as available as she demands

For example I have arranged to meet friends when she’s out - so she can’t demand an lift home and has to sort herself out
Or I’ve started volunteering at a college so again so not automatically available.

I make sure I ‘work late’ if she is an interview or whatever and ‘can’t’ drive her there

And whilst she’s anxious she feels good when she manages these things alone and works things out for herself

Having just turned 30 yes i do this with my parents. So YABU maybe it is harder times in this generation compared to back when u were younger. We do expect support and it helps young adults to have supportive parents. It means a lot. So be there for your daughter itl mean a lot to her believe me.

At the age of 30 you should be either able to stand in your own two feet or know how to find the right advice from the right people or have a friend or partner to discuss things with.

Your parents have had 30 years helping you out, why not help them out?

Do these young adults help their parents out in practical / physical ways even if they are unable to contribute financially?

You are falling out into the trap of I want her to be happy. You can't do that for her. You are helping delay maturity and resilience.
She encounters obstacles and she gives up. She needs to learn that every time she overcomes something will give her satisfaction and wellbeing.
The best gift to her will be to be less available to hold hands. Be available after she has done things.
You are enabling her and that's only going to prolong her inability to stick it out.

I think the financial and, to an extent the practical support you are providing is fine. But the emotional support is too, too, too much. She is 22 and being as demanding as a twelve year old. Time to cut the apron strings. It is nice you care so much, but the whole thing sounds boring and a lot of work on your part, and the reward is an adult who gets what she wants job/course wise and is still not happy.

30? I had my own kids by 30! Def wasn't asking my parents to do anything for me. But then, I was desperate to be independent from a very young age. Being a grown up was my ultimate ambition.

My gran had 6 kids and was 2 years off being a widow. She'd just been through WWII. Pretty sure 30 yr olds today haven't had it as hard as that.

[quote Piglet89]@Fr0thandBubble your story sounds great in theory but I bet there’s been a fair bit of unhappiness along the way.

There’s a middle ground between your mum’s attitude and the OP’s.

I “stuck it out”... if there’s something I’ve learned, it’s that that isn’t always the best course of action.[/quote]
Yes I think you’re right.