In all.honesty does anyone get a bit frustrated by the level of support dc require . ? And if so , what to do about it ?

[Jeeperscreeper]

Spefically those of us who went to uni and were expected to be independant after it. ?
I know the world has changed.

We are supportive and make allowances but we are struggling a bit to get the right balance. Dd seems to not know what direction to go in .whilst this is normal for a 22 year old , the drama around this and the expectation of level of support sometimes seems out of balance?
Backstory. Dd went to uni . Didnt like course. Changed course. Needed help applying as it was competative course. We accepted that school had pushed her to uni and she now re considering. Fair enough . Went over fact that this new course was both tough to get on and do and when qualified it would be a rewarding but very hard profession. Ok . Bought interview outfits.Took dd to interviews all round the country.. paid for us to stay in b and b as night before etc as early interviews. We work.
Dd gets offerd places .. return with her at her request to some open days to decide. Give dd my car as car needed for practice element.
Year later following placement and difficult issues there re practice on ward due to covid. Says its not what she expected.
So gets year out. Gets job. Hates job. Tells us all the time. Finds ideal job. Applies . We buy outfit for interview. Against odds gets it. Does not ask hours . Or rate of pay. Accepts it. Gets contract. Does not want job . Hours v v long.
Back to job hates.
I just feel that am on merry go round. This is seperate from boyfriend issues.
I feel like am wait for next crisis.
I want to be supportive but not hellicopter parent as she needs to practice independance ..? But doesnt seem to want it. ? It seems like its my life type of thing to her.. but do this and that..
Whilst we are family aibu to be thinkimg dd should refering to us less ? I want her to know she will always be supported but we cant always support in the way she seems to want.
For eg her peers ring their parents daily . She sees it as odd that i dont really want a daily call .. at her age i certainly did not call my parents each day.. aibu to try to get a balance of needs here .. ? She seems to think we are good parents if we call a lot wereas we dont feel we should feel we must but feel judged . Is this a generational thing to want to be in contact so much as they are used to phones all the time ? I never anticipated so much invilvment and I have told her that just because we do not ring each day at a set time like other parents we seem to get compared to , this does not mean we do not love her dearly .. we do .
Is this poss because we were expected to independant wereas the world has changed ?!!!!! Thank you

Backforgood . I agree that I have perhaps chosen this level of support. .. and because it seems expected. .. indeed I have often felt compared and have been cf to othwr parents , like the daily calls other parents do .. and i realise that my parneting confidence has been low in rhe face of this..

Mad . Thank you so much for the practical advice. I seem to have lost my parental confidence and stating what I could actaully say was a real help .

With my teenagers (18 and 15), if they come to me with problems I'm pretty sure they can fix themselves, I give empathetic noises and then say 'oh no, how are you going to fix that/handle that/change that?' You need to bat the problems back into her court while still being there for emotional support. You have a job that takes up your time and (I'm assuming) finite resources. Close the bank of mum and dad and stop offering to ferry her around and then reward her for sorting things herself. Tell her how proud you are of her when she finds solutions to things.

Well, she knows that whenever she has a wobble she just needs to turn to you and you'll sort it all out.
At her age it wouldn't have crossed my mind that my parents might buy me an interview outfit or take me to interviews all round the country (or anywhere).
If I didn't like a job and wasn't happy I sorted it out for myself.
I don't know if this is an age thing (I'm mid-40s) or a class thing (we were working-class, no money; I went to uni with grants and worked throughout to support myself etc) or what.

I'd be a bit concerned at your DD applying for med degrees whilst needing so much hand holding, to be honest. Medicine (as you've acknowledged) is high pressure and long hours and candidates/junior doctors need to be tough, self sufficient and mentally capable.

This ^
I think a candidate who isn't ready to go to an interview without their hand being held, is probably not ready to start a medical degree.

I do take your point @MoiraNotRuby, and I would say that this I think by adulthood they will still want me to support and help them. is absolutely true, but what I would say is I would support my adult dc by getting them to think about what they were doing. ....... the example with the job, I'd have hoped by that age, they would have learned from earlier jobs about what you need to think about (getting there and back, what the hour are, what the pay is, what the travel time is, how it impacts on study or sleep or anything else in your life). I would certainly expect a bright and capable adult to have given some thought to those type of things.
If it is something new - "Supporting" someone, in my book, is helping them to find out things for them self, not doing the research yourself and then telling them the information.

Sometimes, I think that just wanting someone to be happy is a lot of pressure. Life isn’t like that. So maybe she’s looking for the thing that will make her happy. And is looking at jobs, courses, whatever for that. All external. Whereas, a lot of the time, jobs aren’t perfect. That why you’re paid to go and it’s called work. Sounds like she’s searching for the ideal job or course, rather than just getting on with it. Not that she shouldn’t have aspirations or be totally miserable in her work, but it’s good to be realistic about what work and life is really like.

Exactly TeeBee

I am very doubtful her peers all talk to their parents every day

This seems to be very normal now among university students I know, I think it's due, at least in part, to the ubiquity of the cell phone. When I was a student in residence only a few of us even had landlines in our rooms, most of us shared a payphone down the hall. Our parents either called that and tried their luck, or called the desk and left a message in our mailbox.

And of course we were used to being out of touch with parents all day at school, anytime we were out of the house after about age 12 (and actually even before that), on school or other trips, camping, etc, and were comfortable and secure with that. This was quite different from young people today who are often profoundly uncomfortable with being out of touch and feel the need for cell connectivity on wilderness camping trips.

My overall point being, even at 22 many young people are at a stage of separation that is still very dependent, so naturally they keep asking for help.

OP, my advice would be to start pulling back in certain areas. It's difficult to say where to start without a sense of your financial support, and of course things are abnormal at the moment, but one thing might be to take a kind of distant interest when she tells you things like "this course it too hard, the hours are too long in this job. You might say "oh, if you quit how will you pay or x? Do you have another job lined up?" But overall just don't get involved in the decision making past very practical things (Reminding her she needs to do some practical thing she doesn't know about, ok, helping her make a decision and sorting out dealing with the consequences, it's up to her don't get involved.)

Also, don't buy more interview outfits. She already has at least two.

You say you don’t expect her to get a degree, but actually I bloody well would expect her to get a degree! There are intercalated degrees in medical courses for exactly this reason. I completely understand people walking away from degrees for all kinds of reasons but your DD sounds like she just can’t be arsed to put in the hard work. Not uncommon for people to change from their first choice of degree, but from a second bite at the cherry - and medicine at that? She needs to cop on.

Back . Yes when she went for the job interview and didnt ask the pay or the hours.. it was like well I didnt tell yiu to ask that as i assumed she would and I didnt want to helicopter around her / plus she may have said of course I will ask !!!!
Then , when she didnt ask .. we got the shock after. She is academically bright buy does seem to miss some basic things or dare not ask , I think due to lack of assertion .

My DD is like this, although she is only 16. My adult sons were nothing like this and neither was i as a teenager. It seems like the need for handholding is incessant and yes it does get frustrating. As shes only young though im hoping she grows out of it, but I really can't see it.

Dazzel . I Know.. it was night shifts she hated. I must admit the patients did seem more demanding due to covid, and the pressure on her colleauges and mentor in the hospital pretty immense . Didnt help .

To add, for this generation everything is more high stakes- eg 7-10k a year for a 3-7 year degree. Not much freedom to mess up and learn from it. Spiralling anxiety, and over reliance on the safety and comfort of the relationship with mummy and daddy is par for the course for a lot of kids. Especially for those who were high achievers at school. Especially for those who’s parents put pressure on them to be happy, as they feel they are letting their parents down every time they have difficulties and are not happy. Even though that’s normal. Which loops back in anxiety, helplessness, wanting to please mummy and daddy and wanting to feel safe and looked after like a kid without these pressures.

On the second degree shw was fine with things like taking blood . Straight on it.

Dealing with patients on drugs ,off their heads, angry people... not so .

A bit of advice l got when my ds was in the same situation..changing jobs, dropping out of courses was: if you are happy to help him do but if you feel under pressure and don't witness to it don't. So l used that as my guide as l was brought up in a large family and while my dps were always supportive they had no time, money or energy to be looking after me as soon as l got my first job. Knowing that made me very independent.

As for the calling them every day my dsis calls her kids every day but l just couldn't and they never expected it. We have a family WhatsApp where we all stay in touch with random messages and l call or they call at weekends.
Two of my DC never ask for help but my ds still leans a good bit on me and often complains about his job, boss hours etc but l have learned to let it go over my head as it's just his personality l think.
He does often say though that he really appreciates the support so l guess we have to accept they all have different needs.

It's a different world from the one grew up in.

I just have to think and rein in my impatience.

You need to draw a line under it. She has learned to very valuable lessons: 1) Night shifts suck. If you don't do well on nights, don't have a career that involves masses of night shifts for years on end. 2) If you don't do well in a crisis, don't do a job that involves crises. There are so many doctors, nurses, and other health professionals that only worked that out after it was far too late. Your DD is ahead.

But now, she needs to decide what she does want to do. Not everyone is destined for a high-flying career. All the kids in primary schools say they want to be doctors, nurses, pilots, etc. You never hear anyone saying 'I want to be a great cleaner...I want to stack shelves....' but someone needs to do those jobs.

She needs to get a job. Any job. Then she can make plans.

*two

It's not a generational thing but it is something I've seen in friends' DDs. Constant drama.

I have adult DC 25 and 23. We did many of the things you mention and I see no problem with Taking to open days,helping out financially. We got them each a car when they started work. In return I have never had anything but gratitude and appreciation from them. They both have careers now though both have struggled badly living alone in the last year.
Constant phone calls / messages? Not usually. Sadly I suspect they keep in touch through duty and consideration for me and DH. If I start to hear a lot from either one I know something is up.

One question. Has she ever had a job? Part time work while studying at school or a menial job after graduation while looking for a career?
I do wonder if DC who have never worked get an awful shock at how hard it is. Perhaps she might benefit from a year working in anything while she works out what she wants?

Louge . Yes , she has a job . When left course she walked round with cv all dY and got one . This osnthe job she hates , but sticks at .

Good for her! Have you tried ringing her? Then it's at your convenience and she's reassured of your love for her. You'll get a massive range of views here, but I phone my parents or visit every day, at the age of 41. For their benefit, as Mum is disabled and Dad is her carer. But some people will go months without contact. So I guess you need to work towards a happy medium.

Lots of good thoughts on here. I do sympathise, and it's hard.

I'm a phone me once a fortnight or so parent and my DC joke that Mum doesn't care about us. They know I do love them lots - but like others, life was different for us. I probably spoke to my parents once a month - if that - at uni. We didn't have phones and I was out with mates. I assumed they were still alive and ok. I'm a bit like that with mine.

I'm not holding myself up as any kind of super parent, btw. I grew up in the 70s with no one much knowing where we were or what we were up to, and that suited me. I've never been a helicopter parent.

I expect them to ring if they want something, or feel like a chat. But I'd hate to have to speak daily. I hope they've got more fun things to do than have a duty chat with me.

My DC are early & mid teens. I think by adulthood they will still want me to support and help them. In the world as it is now, I do think parents need to help their children for longer than previous generations and I'm not going to feel bad about that.

The world IS very different now.

I was thrown into independence before being ready. Never mollycoddled.

Some kids are ready for this. But if you’re not - extra help will get you to independence far better than abandonment.

I ended up leaning on a feckless man as my parents were absent. It screwed up my whole future.

Why would you resist speaking on the phone to your DD every day if that’s what she needs at the moment? I really don’t get that.

She has had a job . Worked throught sixth form . Likes to
earn own money.

To be honest, this sort of thing is a long time in the making. I've got a ds the same age and he's totally independent, he was brought up to have his own mind . My friends with kids similar age, who still live at home with parents giving their tuppence worth about what they should be doing and when, dont seem to have the confidence to leave and stand on their own feet. And their mums constantly wonder why they are still at home.