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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a child of three with ASD to sit nicely at the table?

225 replies

Damnrightwrong · 15/03/2021 07:46

Is it unreasonable and/or unrealistic to expect an an autistic three year old to sit nicely at the table at dinner time?

YABU - expecting too much of the child
YANBU - they should be able to sit nicely, regardless of a disability

OP posts:
Original poster
Damnrightwrong · 15/03/2021 08:07

@Tinydinosaur

3 is young for any child. I would expect his parents to be teaching him to sit nicely and disciplining him. Not letting him run riot or throw food. Kids behaviour never annoys me, their parents response to their behaviour is what pisses me off. Your kid, autistic or otherwise, will need to learn to behave at the table so you should be enforcing it.
He doesn't throw food. He gets up and wanders/runs around because he struggles to sit still and doesn't like being restricted. He's not naughty he's just typical of a child significantly impacted by ASD.
OP posts:
activitythree · 15/03/2021 08:07

Your kid, autistic or otherwise, will need to learn to behave at the table so you should be enforcing it.

You have unrealistic ideas regarding autism if you think any kid can simply be taught to change their behaviour because an adult enforces it.

Merryoldgoat · 15/03/2021 08:07

My 8yo with ASD could.

My 3yo who is on the diagnostic pathway cannot at all.

Original poster
Damnrightwrong · 15/03/2021 08:08

@activitythree

He now has to eat separately to the rest of the children because he gets up and runs around, doesn't sit still etc.

So they are adapting to his needs?

They've made changes but not for his benefit, him eating in another room is because his conduct is distracting for the other children.
OP posts:
activitythree · 15/03/2021 08:09

Making him eat separately is disability discrimination.

I wouldn't read it like that at all. One of mine did a lot of schooling 'separately' and I never considered it discrimination. Adapting to their needs and making their environment safe for them to learn, play and yes, eat, does not mean the child is being discriminated against.

TwoBreakingIntoOne · 15/03/2021 08:09

My asd child sat under the table and pre school let him do that

WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 15/03/2021 08:09

@tiny I can't believe you have just said that. I take it you don't have an Autistic child?

activitythree · 15/03/2021 08:10

They've made changes but not for his benefit, him eating in another room is because his conduct is distracting for the other children.

Are you sure this is the case? We have a lot of children who eat separately for similar reasons.

bigbluebus · 15/03/2021 08:11

My DS would have done at that age but he would run riot at other times such as structured activities.

Is it possible that your DC is finding the whole lunchtime experience stressful and this is leading to his behaviour. At that age my DS was fine in his small group but as soon as 2 groups merged together for an activity he would start playing up. It was his response to the increased numbers and associated noise.
The staff need to work on a plan to get your DC to cope with the situation which may involve him spending a small pre planned amounts of time in the main group and rewarding them if they sit still for that time and then work on increasing the time.

Original poster
Damnrightwrong · 15/03/2021 08:12

@activitythree

They've made changes but not for his benefit, him eating in another room is because his conduct is distracting for the other children.

Are you sure this is the case? We have a lot of children who eat separately for similar reasons.

Yes I'm positive.

Him not sitting properly at the table has been a continuous source of complaint.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 15/03/2021 08:12

Dd has asd. She is 9 now and can sit at a table, although her table manners are poor and it's still hard to get her to use cutlery correctly.

At 3, no, mealtimes were fraught and chaotic. I'd say until she was 6 or 7.

activitythree · 15/03/2021 08:13

Also. If his behaviour is distracting the other children then yes it's absolutely ok for him to be removed in order to work on the skills that may enable him to gradually return. He may always need to eat separately, don't see it as a slight against him though, he is distracting the other children because he isn't coping and that is the key factor. He isn't coping.

Asdparent · 15/03/2021 08:14

My ds5 who has asd cant. He throws food plates etc. His nursery is very good with him.

Orchidflower1 · 15/03/2021 08:16

With their “punishment”/“adaptation” actually be a benefit to you dc? In that will they feel less stressed over eating now?

Eekay · 15/03/2021 08:16

We had the same with my GC. DD moved him to another setting where the staff have up to date training around autism. GC much happier and is now being appropriately guided to handle different
situations with less difficulty. At the previous place he was being treated as if he were wilfully naughty.

Rinoachicken · 15/03/2021 08:17

Sound like this preschool aren’t equipped with the knowledge or understanding to properly support your DS.

I’d look for a new preschool.

2020fuckoff · 15/03/2021 08:18

It sounds like his 1:1 support isn't actually supporting him.

He needs to be given a sand timer, sit whilst the timer runs, then once it's run out, it's turned over and he's allowed to move around for that length of time.

That repeated, gradually increasing the length of time he's sitting eg, 2 turns of the sand timer to sit, 1 turn for moving.

Children with autism have lots of different sensory needs, including the need to move around to 'find their place in the space of the room'.

Soontobe60 · 15/03/2021 08:18

As a Senco, I’ve worked with several children with an ASD diagnosis. At 3, to get a diagnosis, they are usually significantly affected. An average 3 yr old would not always sit at a table to eat for more than a few minutes unless they were in a high chair.
We have used specialised chairs provided by OTs for toddlers to sit safely at a table to carry our activities, not just at meal times, but they would be taken out if they showed signs of distress.
I’m guessing you have a relative that thinks your child should just be able to do the same as every other child and maybe doesn’t ‘get’ what autism can look like? If thats the case, why dont you signpost them to a support service local to you and they can gain a better understanding of what’s realistic and what’s not in terms of developmental stages for your child.

NuclearDH · 15/03/2021 08:20

How do they expect him to learn if they banish him? Surely he’s more likely to copy other kids who do sit still? I’d be really cross.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 15/03/2021 08:20

My dd with ASD could do that at that age but then she loved her food so was always keen to sit down to eat!

If you're not happy with how the pre school are managing his needs then move him.

activitythree · 15/03/2021 08:21

Tbh OP it actually sounds like the pre school are doing the right thing but you are unhappy your child has been removed from the main group at lunchtime because he should be allowed to sit within that group and behave as he pleases because he has ASD.

That's not how it works. You don't go through school saying 'oh but he is autistic, you can't remove or separate him, he must be allowed to behave any way and still remain in situ'

Many many autistic children have their own space, be it for all or part of the school day. Sometimes it's there is they need it but they don't have to use it, and lots of them don't eat lunch with the main group.

That's absolutely normal. If you think your child has been singled out over naughty behaviour due to his ASD I reckon you are reading the situation badly.

activitythree · 15/03/2021 08:22

@NuclearDH

How do they expect him to learn if they banish him? Surely he’s more likely to copy other kids who do sit still? I’d be really cross.

That's not how it works.

Soontobe60 · 15/03/2021 08:22

Sorry OP, I’ve just read the full thread 😩
I would be getting someone from the SALT team or an OT in to the setting to speak to them about expectations. Having him sat in a separate room from his peers at lunch time is absolutely not on if the only reason they are doing that is to stop him distracting the other children. They clearly have no idea how to manage his behaviour. TBH, I would be looking for a different provision for him.

activitythree · 15/03/2021 08:22

I’m guessing you have a relative that thinks your child should just be able to do the same as every other child and maybe doesn’t ‘get’ what autism can look like?

OP thinks her child should not be separated.

ChancesWhatChances · 15/03/2021 08:23

I’d go through anyone treating my ASD son like that. I don’t care if they’re a teacher, a nurse, whatever. No one excludes, belittles and isolates my child, especially not when he has ASD.

@Damnrightwrong change his preschool, you’ll never change their attitudes. He’ll spend the entire time there feeling wrong and bad for behaviours he cannot help. Give the stupid cow a slap on the way out too Flowers