To expect a child of three with ASD to sit nicely at the table?

[Damnrightwrong]

Is it unreasonable and/or unrealistic to expect an an autistic three year old to sit nicely at the table at dinner time?

YABU - expecting too much of the child
YANBU - they should be able to sit nicely, regardless of a disability

My 13 year old can't.

If a 3 year old has a diagnosis it is likely they have a lot of issues and difficulties so even more unrealistic.

Many idiots people will expect any 3 year old to sit at the table.

The thing is, and this isn't just with children who have ASD, children develop, grow and learn at very different rates. It's up to is as parents to read that, encourage what we can and adapt to the child's individual needs.

One of my autistic children didn't sit down at all for about 11 years, he just founded about the place. We did what we could to make it safe. My other autistic child was an absolute dream at table manners, fitting in etc. She is a seasoned masker which is typical of girls with autism.

Incidentally I also sat at the table, I'm autistic as well, from a very young age. It almost physically hurt me to comply but one of my traits is that I am not a rule breaker, so I struggled my way through many situations. As a parent my sitting at the table may be seen as a win, but from my POV it was really stressful.

It's important that as parents we learn to read our children and their individual needs, not put them in a 'should be able to at X age box'

@ineedaholidaynow

Who has the expectation?

Pre school.

He now has to eat separately to the rest of the children because he gets up and runs around, doesn't sit still etc.

I mean my neurotypical children didn’t do that at 3, and my adult autistic sibling still doesn’t “sit nicely” so......whoever has these expectations is way off and needs to spend some time learning more about both children and autism, or they’re going to spend a lot of time disappointed.

Cross post. I would honestly look for a different pre-school over that.

You've posted a very emotive topic, on AIBU, what do you expect? And you've not worded it like you're not the one with the problem.

Like I said, I don't usually post on AIBU when people use them like a poll or explain the YABU/YANBU like we are idiots.

Maybe you should have worded it properly instead of how you have?

AIBU to be annoyed someone is expecting my 3 year old child with ASD to sit nicely at a table?

It's pre school

This needs to be raised. It is an entirely unreasonable expectation.

@AdditionalCharacter

You've posted a very emotive topic, on AIBU, what do you expect? And you've not worded it like you're not the one with the problem.

Like I said, I don't usually post on AIBU when people use them like a poll or explain the YABU/YANBU like we are idiots.

Maybe you should have worded it properly instead of how you have?

AIBU to be annoyed someone is expecting my 3 year old child with ASD to sit nicely at a table?

Oh give over.

It's emotive for me because it's my child.

Perhaps you shouldn't have commented at all, if the alternative was to get shitty with somebody at 8 o clock in the morning.

@AdditionalCharacter

Go away. Honestly. You are the one who made an assumption it was OP who had the expectation. You were wrong. Either own it and move on or simply move on because your subsequent posts are horrible and unnecessary.

A NT 3 year old will struggle to sit still up the table let alone one with asd.

@Damnrightwrong I would seriously think about removing him from that Pre school. You need somewhere that will offer support and understand his needs. Have you applied for an EHCP?

@activitythree

It's pre school

This needs to be raised. It is an entirely unreasonable expectation.

I have voiced my opinion with them that I think it's unrealistic and I've reminded them that his behaviour is typical of a child with autism.

Their response is that all children need to learn and that it's life skills.

What support does he have to help him at lunch time?

Is he eating lunch in a different, quieter room or on a table on his own?

Some people just plain disbelieve that my child's autistic. Of course they have unreasonable expectations, every day. They think all his behaviours are down to either insufficient parenting or helicopter parenting, often, it seems, simultaneously. Welcome to the club.

[quote WhateverHappenedToFayWray]@Damnrightwrong I would seriously think about removing him from that Pre school. You need somewhere that will offer support and understand his needs. Have you applied for an EHCP?[/quote]
ECHP applied for yes, I haven't yet received a decision.

My Autistic dd could manage it....... My Autistic ds however couldn't manage it until he was around 11. It is what it is.

Ah. Well they're not expecting him to sit still then are they. They're acknowledging he can't.
They perhaps need to up their game on this. Does he need 1:1? Are they doing proper assessment, involving the right authorities and getting evidence reports ready for school?
Presumably he has supervision?
My DD got put on the end of the table. She was slightly separated from the others (or she'd hit them, grab their plates) but her up downess was allowed.
Don't go in all guns blazing. Look at the big picture? Will he need ehcp and are they working on this?

My child is massively motivated by food so she’s always sat at a table for dinner BUT if we’re out she’ll need distracting whilst she waits and once she’s finished she’ll just leave.
I’m conscious she’s different from a lot of other kids with ASD I know. They just can’t do it, especially at 3.

@PurpleDaisies

What support does he have to help him at lunch time? Is he eating lunch in a different, quieter room or on a table on his own?

He has 1-1 support worker at lunch time, initially he was eating with the rest of the children but now he eats in a quiet room on his own because of his behaviour at the table (getting up and wandering around, running off, not sitting nicely)

3 is young for any child. I would expect his parents to be teaching him to sit nicely and disciplining him. Not letting him run riot or throw food. Kids behaviour never annoys me, their parents response to their behaviour is what pisses me off.
Your kid, autistic or otherwise, will need to learn to behave at the table so you should be enforcing it.

They're being very unfair.

He now has to eat separately to the rest of the children because he gets up and runs around, doesn't sit still etc.

So they are adapting to his needs?

Surely it depends on the child? Some three year olds with ASD will be able to sit at the table nicely, and therefore could be expected to, and some won’t be able to and that’s ok.

Shit i clicked the wrong one

YABU

@AdditionalCharacter

You've posted a very emotive topic, on AIBU, what do you expect? And you've not worded it like you're not the one with the problem.

Like I said, I don't usually post on AIBU when people use them like a poll or explain the YABU/YANBU like we are idiots.

Maybe you should have worded it properly instead of how you have?

AIBU to be annoyed someone is expecting my 3 year old child with ASD to sit nicely at a table?

Blimey! You're hard work. The OP has asked a reasonable question in a reasonable way and provided pertinent information to help her gather opinions. Why don't you toddle off and find something else to police?

OP, any preschool should be able to adjust their routines to fit the needs of the children. Some NT children will struggle with this too.

Making him eat separately is disability discrimination.

It sounds like they're going to get it wrong for him in other ways too. Could you move him to a better setting?