break up with family friends? WWYD?

[Corneliafunk]

long time lurker. would welcome your thoughts about a situation I find myself in...
long time friends with 2 young-ish kids now appear to be in a toxic relationship where he emotionally abuses her. My DH and I have been supporting her, even as much as to first identify what was going on as she, (calling her 'Sarah'), hadn't realized how bad it was herself. They have been together 20 years.
They are still sharing a house but of recent times leading separate lives while working out what to do. Sarah has since told a few close others but relies heavily on my husband and i with many texts and impromptu visits over the past 3-4 months during which she is often (understandably) upset.
However, to me it has become apparent over that time that Sarah seems to envisage a future for herself and her children at some point with my husband and our 2 kids. I have spoken a few times to him about this but most recently he has started to say 'are you still going on about this'; and 'I don't see it'. Examples of what I am seeing include: Sarah tells me things, but then tells my husband something different (e.g. before their relationship blew up we all holidayed together and split the bills equally, except when it was her turn to do this with me at the grocery store when she refused. my husband talked to her and of course she then agreed). She has told me she had a previous boyfriend my husband's height (he is only as tall as I am) and it didn't bother her. Always talking about him. Complaining about my husband and I having 'in jokes' that she is excluded from. Things like this. I want to stay friends with her as I like her as a person and I feel for her. I think my husband and i are too closely involved in their troubles. My DH agrees and wants to step away a bit, but no more than this as he sees her as a really good friend. He actively dislikes Sarah's husband now given the behavior we saw on holiday and all the many things Sarah has since told us about him and how he is reacting to their relationship troubles. At another earlier holiday we all had together, before I knew about Sarah relationship problems, I later complained to my husband that I felt boundaries between him (my DH) and her were blurred - they spent so much time together, were rubbing each others legs with their feet under the card table as a joke, frequently bumping shoulders in a playful way, stayed up talking late into the night long after the rest of us went to bed etc. My husband apologized and said he hadn't realized how it looked and at my request also talked to Sarah about my views and she said understood these apparently. Our families are quite meshed together - should we just break up with their family? I am not sure my husband would agree to this. Sarah would also be devastated, at a point when she is already struggling. She is receiving some help but the counselor is so busy Sarah can only get infrequent appointments. Over time we have had different friends move away and these are (or have been) our oldest and closest friends. I make Sarah sound not that nice, but we do actually get on and although I don't need her in my life, I would be sad to see her go as we like doing the same things in our spare time. WWYD?

Honestly they are having an emotional affair

I wouldn’t like it, I’d cut them off completely

I’d make it very clear to both that you are very unhappy with how they act and tell her if it continues then you till have no choice but to cut all contact with her and your husband will also be cutting contact and if you go down this path and he decides to continue contact with her then tell him make a choice. Give her a number for women’s aid they can help her

They both seem to be taking the piss out of you OP. You're very tolerant.

Be aware she is not your friend. She tolerates you to get close to your husband. they spent so much time together, were rubbing each others legs with their feet under the card table as a joke you do realise this is really not normal behaviour. How would your DH react if you rubbed your feet on another man's legs under the table?

Red flag 🚩

Get rid before it gets any worse.

Your friendship with Sarah is over.
She has crossed a line and if she gets her way your dh will be leaving you soon.
If you truly want to stay married you need to act quickly imo.

Do not put up with this, your marriage is at risk

Thanks for your thoughts. I have not been happy with the situation for a while and in the past when i have decided to put a line in the sand and say something to her, something inevitably happens in Sarah's life with her worsening relationship. And then I think I can't bring the topic up with her now, I will have to do it later - and then the cycle repeats. My husband is getting frustrated with me circling back to this topic every so often (once a month) and how I feel, but I believe I am the innocent party in all of this. And in any case, maybe it is for my DH to say something to her and have the difficult discussion - why is it i am the one always having to do that?? But then I think, I am not sure if they can just be 'good friends' and so maybe I need to ask him to cut contact with her. I want their friendship to just be 'ordinary' so i don't have to have any of this in my mind, but it is probably too late for this. I already feel on the alert when he gets a text or they are together. I don't think he would cut contact with her tho - so then I need to have thought out what my next steps would be. We live in a small city and know many of the same people - cutting contact would be hard esp as we have been so much in each others lives for so long (including the entirety of our children's lives).

They are already at it.

Rubbing legs? And it was a joke?

Pull the other one.

You're being made an absolute fool of.

@Lochmorlich

Your friendship with Sarah is over. She has crossed a line and if she gets her way your dh will be leaving you soon. If you truly want to stay married you need to act quickly imo.

Completely. You have to decide if you want to stay married and work on that or to keep this friendship for a few more months until you are pushed out of the nest.

What you can't have is what used to exist. You and your dh being friends with Sarah and her dh. That's not something that is ever going to be possible again, it's gone,

Good god woman open your eyes! I am one of the so called cool wives but if another woman rubbed her feet on my husband, in front of me no less, she would be missing teeth.

If you really think that your husband wouldn't cut her off if you asked I think you have your answer!

It definitely sounds like a good idea to limit time with her.

It sounds like she's flirting with your husband and he likes it.

Bit of a piss take isn't it.

How much do you know about the abuse in Sarah's relationship? I dont want to presume, but from reading your OP I thought it seemed convenient that she was getting closer and closer to your DH (and you) the worse her relationship gets. Even if that is inaccurate, definitely cut her off, sounds like she's seeking something from you DH that she's not getting from her own relationship.

Im not usually a "hes cheating" person but I dont think thats normal and I think things have already progressed. I do not feel she would be so blatant if it hadnt.

Wisen up! Cut that one loose and tell your husband hell be doing the same. Cheeky sod trying to tell you playing footsie is nothing!

You sound so passive OP. I'd never speak to Sarah again, couldn't care less who knew / me / kids in your small city. You're allowed to fall out with people for VALID reasons you know !
Your husband needs the riot act reading assuming he's innocent. What he's done is completely inappropriate he's humiliated his wife, and he really should apologise profusely for his behaviour. That's assuming you still want him around OP.

@babbaloushka that’s exactly what I was thinking.

Sarah’s DH doesn’t seem that controlling/emotionally abusive if he was on holiday with you all and witnessed them running each other’s legs then staying up later together in their own.

Also, I assume he can’t be that toxic if she’s happy to continue living with him?

Surely after all these years of friendship and holidays together it doesn’t come out of the blue that he was toxic. Seems a bit of a convenient reason for her to become more involved and get your DHs attention.

However to me the most worrying part is the way he’s prioritising his friendship with her over your marriage

It sounds like you need your DH to get on board if she’s regularly texting him independently.

If you ask him to cut contact his answer will tell you everything you need to know.

So Sarah has a ‘toxic’ husband, who’s behaved so badly that your DH has fallen out with him...

...all the while your own DH is behaving in a toxic way, with one of your best friends?!

What a total hypocrite he is.

And the sitting up chatting for hours after everyone’s gone to bed? My goodness.

Sarah still lives with her partner while they work out what to do.

I think Sarah is testing the water with your dh.

After I spoke to my DH in Oct last year about the blurred boundaries (where the leg rubbing occurred) they have been more obviously circumspect when the 3 of us are together. He now tries to leave her and I together when she is at our house and gets busy with other things. This year tho whenever Sarah is at our place she is always in tears as her situation is genuinely a bad one. Her DH has been a complete prick to her even in front of both my husband and myself during our last holiday together a couple of months ago. We talked to him later about this in front of Sarah and he did apologize (to us but not to her I think) as it ruined the holiday to a large extent, not to mention the pain I witnessed from Sarah at how he talked to her/ignored her. She originally said she wanted to try and stay together with him but more lately is saying she doesn't want to be with him any more. I can't see how she could stay given his meanness (which has only just started showing itself on our last holiday and I have been so shocked by what I realize has been going on behind closed doors). English is their second language and so they often default to their native language and my DH and I have less understanding then as to what is going on. She is an assertive person, but I realised on the holiday that she does not make a single decision - her husband decides everything. This is so counter to her natural personality. She doesn't like being on her own though - she (and he) are from overseas which is where their wider families live. She has spoken to me about how lonely she is with him but also what she can foresee for herself if/when she separates - which is loneliness and having not much money as she is in quite a low paying job. She should be able to get a house though with a small or no mortgage. She does have a lot of friends here, but we are definitely the ones she relies on most. The 'footsie' thing - she is a huggy sort of person so taken out of context it does seem weird but she would do the same with me - just a 'get going, its your turn to lead the play' for the card game leg rub. I probably didn't describe the situation very well. But taken with all the other things I observed I did not like their behaviour together nevertheless. I have tried to ignore the situation this year because I don't want to have to cut contact. My husband genuinely hasn't recognized the situation (he claims) and thinks I am exaggerating some isolated incidents and then melding them together to create a picture that he doesn't think really exists - although on further discussion agrees we should reduce our involvement with the couple (or Sarah in reality as we no longer have anything to do with her husband). We all went away together a couple of years ago and had a great time - or I wouldn't have agreed to another holiday. Thanks again for your messages - it helps to see that I am not reading more into than there is, that the situation is actually not a good one for me.

She is not your friend. This toxic relationship she claims to have-all you know is behaviour on holiday and what she has told you, he was probably pissed of with his wife flirting with your husband. The rest is a great excuse for her to hang off your husband with her damsel in distress act.
At this point you’re arguing with your husband every month, he is refusing to agree with you and shut it down, they took the piss out of you on holiday-he knew how it looked he just didn’t care. You know she has plans for him in her future. At best they are having an emotional affair.
You need to have a frank conversation with your husband and explain the consequences of him having any further contact with her. While you are suddenly very busy with work/kids/family/Anything, she has a counsellor, other friends and family for her crisis. Let someone else’s husband take her attention, hell sign her up for illicit encounters if that’s her bag.
If your husband refuses to stop being her emotional support then that means you have some decisions to make. But it does seem that you have put your friend, who is not even a close pal, just someone you get along with and likes the same hobby above your own well being and she has exploited it madly. I hope things go well for you.

You need to wake up. You’re being emotionally toxically abused by this woman. Why are you letting her into your house and life with all this shit?? None of this is your problem! Letting her invade your family space with her crying and bullshit. FFS. She’s after your husband and you’ve opened the bloody door woman! Shut her down. Now. There is no “normal friendship”. You message her back the next time she wants to come over and say “sorry we are having family time just us today. I’ll let you know when we’re free” then don’t. If you don’t cut her off like a puss filled boil then you’re fucked. Sorry but you’ve brought this on yourself. You now need to go cold Turkey and when lockdown is over make new friends. You know this isn’t normal right? Nobody has friends with this much drama in their lives.