break up with family friends? WWYD?

[Corneliafunk]

long time lurker. would welcome your thoughts about a situation I find myself in...
long time friends with 2 young-ish kids now appear to be in a toxic relationship where he emotionally abuses her. My DH and I have been supporting her, even as much as to first identify what was going on as she, (calling her 'Sarah'), hadn't realized how bad it was herself. They have been together 20 years.
They are still sharing a house but of recent times leading separate lives while working out what to do. Sarah has since told a few close others but relies heavily on my husband and i with many texts and impromptu visits over the past 3-4 months during which she is often (understandably) upset.
However, to me it has become apparent over that time that Sarah seems to envisage a future for herself and her children at some point with my husband and our 2 kids. I have spoken a few times to him about this but most recently he has started to say 'are you still going on about this'; and 'I don't see it'. Examples of what I am seeing include: Sarah tells me things, but then tells my husband something different (e.g. before their relationship blew up we all holidayed together and split the bills equally, except when it was her turn to do this with me at the grocery store when she refused. my husband talked to her and of course she then agreed). She has told me she had a previous boyfriend my husband's height (he is only as tall as I am) and it didn't bother her. Always talking about him. Complaining about my husband and I having 'in jokes' that she is excluded from. Things like this. I want to stay friends with her as I like her as a person and I feel for her. I think my husband and i are too closely involved in their troubles. My DH agrees and wants to step away a bit, but no more than this as he sees her as a really good friend. He actively dislikes Sarah's husband now given the behavior we saw on holiday and all the many things Sarah has since told us about him and how he is reacting to their relationship troubles. At another earlier holiday we all had together, before I knew about Sarah relationship problems, I later complained to my husband that I felt boundaries between him (my DH) and her were blurred - they spent so much time together, were rubbing each others legs with their feet under the card table as a joke, frequently bumping shoulders in a playful way, stayed up talking late into the night long after the rest of us went to bed etc. My husband apologized and said he hadn't realized how it looked and at my request also talked to Sarah about my views and she said understood these apparently. Our families are quite meshed together - should we just break up with their family? I am not sure my husband would agree to this. Sarah would also be devastated, at a point when she is already struggling. She is receiving some help but the counselor is so busy Sarah can only get infrequent appointments. Over time we have had different friends move away and these are (or have been) our oldest and closest friends. I make Sarah sound not that nice, but we do actually get on and although I don't need her in my life, I would be sad to see her go as we like doing the same things in our spare time. WWYD?

Sarah is the OW so of course that makes her morally questionable. But the DH is cheating on his wife, and the OP is playing the pick me dance. And truth is he’s probably already planning to leave for Sarah just as soon as her divorce comes through.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

OP, you need to pull back from vying for your husband's attention. Don't do the Pick Me dance. In fact, tell him to pack his bags and leave to give you space to think.

And maybe get this moved to the Relationships board, you'll get great advice.

You can't seriously be this blind!

It's quite simple...

He steps back or you will divorce him

Who is his alliance with, who is the more important person to him?

He agrees now (again) that we need to cut contact.

You already have. Ball's in his court, not yours or Sarah's. He needs to block her on everything, no phone calls, texts, emails. He has told her he's going to do this, so now he needs to actually do it!

And he needs to extricate himself completely from their finances and resign as a trustee of whatever the trust is that he is a "signatory" to. He probably should see a solicitor himself about that, since if he needs to resign he needs to complete a deed of resignation that needs to be witnessed and there may be limitations on his resignation eg. if he is a sole trustee etc.

I think you need to book you own Lawyer OP, spineless Husband is leaving you soon.

and you did the worst thing possible, you have isolated yourself from Sarah, whilst your Husband has NOT.

So now it's THEM, and you know nothing of her constant contact with Him.

WAKE UP WOMAN.

SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND

You have tried to support her.

You owe her nothing more

If your husband won't pick your relationship over her 'friendship' then your relationship is over I'm afraid.

I've been there my best friend and husband had an affair right under my nose. Her husband is an abusive arsehole but it isn't your job to support a woman who is damaging your marriage, your mental health and your children's lives.

You can cut her out of your life - I think you will be surprised how easy it is.

I don't see my so called best friend anymore. Her kids and mine were very close and are my god children.

When my kids have asked why I've told them this.
That the husband is abusive and it's my job as a parent to protect them from that and that sometimes people you thought were your friends hurt you in such a way that they can't be in your life anymore.
They accepted both of those things without question. They were 11&12.

Fgs woman, wake up.

He can't even stay away for 24 hours after you aired concerns?

Sarah is without a doubt a manipulative bitch.

I'll show my arse on the town hall steps if this isn't already a full blown affair.

@1FootInTheRave

Fgs woman, wake up.

He can't even stay away for 24 hours after you aired concerns?

Sarah is without a doubt a manipulative bitch.

I'll show my arse on the town hall steps if this isn't already a full blown affair.

Totally agree 🌺

Your every update excuses their behaviour.

You are being treated like you are unreasonable when you aren't.

Their affair is happening whether anyone is ready to admit it or not. If they got away with stroking each other in front of you then they sure as hell have done more.

You need to stop engaging with any of it.

You have made yourself clear to your husband.
She is not a friend and you don't need to know anything else that happens in her life.

Stop discussing her with your husband.

Start looking at your own finances, find yourself without either of them. Do thinks for you. Reach out to other friends. Concentrate on yourself. Pull away.

You can't make your husband pick you over her so save yourself the heartache.

If he notices the change in you and is serious about your marriage he will do what is necessary to repair it.
Which is to tell her frankly that they will never see each other again. Block her on everything. Let you have full access to his past messages, emails etc with her and be truely honest about their relationship, he will do whatever you need him to do to heal.

He is saying whatever he needs to both of you to keep having his cake.

The only winner is Sarah.

Please genuinely consider leaving your husband - clear emotional affair here, do you have children? If so maybe worth fighting for the marriage. If not I'd leave now!

💐

It's always hard to tell online but you seem quite calm and relaxed about it all @Corneliafunk

After the conversation about distancing yourselves from her and him running round the following day I'd have lost it (if I hadn't already....the leg touching would have been it for me)

Do you not actually think anything is happening? Or would you not be bothered if it was?

It’s right under your nose
She wants your man

Phone her up and tell her to fuck off.

And if your husband speaks to her again, tell him to fuck off too.

Then they can both find a divorce lawyer.

Seriously OP I want to shake you!!

Tell him it's you or her. No ifs buts or whatevers.

@Corneliafunk

It turned out it was another of Sarah's friend's on the phone yesterday (who we know slightly), asking us to look out for Sarah this weekend while she (the friend) is away, as she is so alarmed about Sarah's mental health. My husband told this friend over the phone that we were stepping away because he and Sarah had become too emotionally close. The friend is finding Sarah's situation draining but Sarah's husband is being so abusive that she said can only call him a 'selfish c*t', this from someone who I understand never even swears! So while she would like some respite it won't be happening for a while. She is also v concerned for Sarah's financial state given Sarah knows nothing at all about their complicated sounding financial arrangements. But today my DH received a phone call from Sarah herself where she was so upset, crying, that he couldn't understand the message - so he went over to see her. The legal property paperwork appears to show that despite paying half of the mortgage repayments, she won't get half of the property. DH told her again that she needs a lawyer (one is booked for next week now) and that he needs to step away because I think he and she were way too close - and that he can understand my feelings. She thinks I misinterpreted stuff and that there was no intent to steal him. Long story short when i got home he told me all of this and believes that there is the potential that I did misinterpret things. I again laid out why there was a lot for me to be concerned about. Eventually he (again) agreed with me. I said he is like a weather vane - turning toward wherever the stronger feeling is coming from. He agrees now (again) that we need to cut contact. I can now see this is going to rumble on for a while to come unfortunately. I haven't been in contact with Sarah again and don't feel inclined to. She wants to keep me as a friend, but I don't see how when I don't trust her.

And this followed an earlier post of your stating "At this point my husband told Sarah he needed to back away a bit for the good of his marriage – stop being her ‘go to’ person because it wasn’t helping anyone and was damaging to his relationship with me and that he couldn’t let that happen"

So, sequence to me seems to be -

1. Your husband tells Sarah he needed to back away a bit for the good of his marriage

1. A friend of Sarah's calls your husband, engaging him in Sarah's chaotic finances

1. Sarah phones, incoherent in her tears - so he went over to see her

All I see is that your husband agrees with you to your face, then continues with Sarah. An emotional affair (at the very least) is in progress. Your husband has gone all White Knight trying to support the Damsel in Distress. They might not see it that way, but - it kinda is what's going on .

Actually I take that back. Just do what @Summerdayshaze recommended.

One small point -

"She was now asking my DH if he knew of a divorce lawyer. She probably already knew that he didn’t (because why would he?) – but I know that another friend of hers is finalising her own divorce and is someone who could actually provide a recommendation."

She wasn't looking for a recommendation. She was looking to plant a seed.

Also, if one of my male friends was me their wife (also my friend) suspected that I was trying to edge in on him, I'd be absolutely mortified and would phone my friend immediately. I assume you've not heard from Sarah?

Also, all contact with her DH would stop and I'd only interact with him via her. I certainly wouldn't be calling him less than 24hrs later and arranging to be alone with him, one on one

Again I sound like I'm blaming Sarah but I actually think your DH is as much to blame. I just think Sarah's reaction to this is a good indicator that something is going on....

Yes your Husband is disrespecting your feeling by continuing to engage with hysterical Sarah.

Look at the thousands of women on here OP who have literally NOBODY. Yet they Divorce and start afresh without your Husband holding their hand for the journey.

Please see what is happening OP.

Wowsers this Sarah has you all dancing to her tune. Her friend won’t be ‘getting any respite’ and is cancelling weekends away as she can’t find a baby sitter for Sarah-what has she done to you all. I just have this image of a women pretending to be sad and snivelling away while also claiming to have no idea her money situation, how to use the internet to find lawyers, a phone etc while all her minions run around her telling her it will be all right and offering their partners to her, while she is telling some other well meaning poor sap that she has no one and is so sad/helpless/abused/lonely.
Your husband, despite claiming he will say away from her barely lasted a day before going to save her-that is atrocious by anyone’s standards. I don’t have any advice, I am just so sad for you-this situation is untenable, are you able to move house?

If my DH went running when some idiotic, manipulative woman called him after you had this long conversation, he would not be returning. The old adage, as old as MN itself but OP you have a DH problem. Yep, I'd book a solicitor too and get my ducks in a row and all the rest because there is a lot of gas and someone is messing with the light setting. That someone is your DH!

Sarah's husband probably has a lot of reasons to loathe his wife. I would wonder whether her shitty behaviour came first or his...