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Original poster

break up with family friends? WWYD?

218 replies

Corneliafunk · 14/03/2021 22:09

long time lurker. would welcome your thoughts about a situation I find myself in...
long time friends with 2 young-ish kids now appear to be in a toxic relationship where he emotionally abuses her. My DH and I have been supporting her, even as much as to first identify what was going on as she, (calling her 'Sarah'), hadn't realized how bad it was herself. They have been together 20 years.
They are still sharing a house but of recent times leading separate lives while working out what to do. Sarah has since told a few close others but relies heavily on my husband and i with many texts and impromptu visits over the past 3-4 months during which she is often (understandably) upset.
However, to me it has become apparent over that time that Sarah seems to envisage a future for herself and her children at some point with my husband and our 2 kids. I have spoken a few times to him about this but most recently he has started to say 'are you still going on about this'; and 'I don't see it'. Examples of what I am seeing include: Sarah tells me things, but then tells my husband something different (e.g. before their relationship blew up we all holidayed together and split the bills equally, except when it was her turn to do this with me at the grocery store when she refused. my husband talked to her and of course she then agreed). She has told me she had a previous boyfriend my husband's height (he is only as tall as I am) and it didn't bother her. Always talking about him. Complaining about my husband and I having 'in jokes' that she is excluded from. Things like this. I want to stay friends with her as I like her as a person and I feel for her. I think my husband and i are too closely involved in their troubles. My DH agrees and wants to step away a bit, but no more than this as he sees her as a really good friend. He actively dislikes Sarah's husband now given the behavior we saw on holiday and all the many things Sarah has since told us about him and how he is reacting to their relationship troubles. At another earlier holiday we all had together, before I knew about Sarah relationship problems, I later complained to my husband that I felt boundaries between him (my DH) and her were blurred - they spent so much time together, were rubbing each others legs with their feet under the card table as a joke, frequently bumping shoulders in a playful way, stayed up talking late into the night long after the rest of us went to bed etc. My husband apologized and said he hadn't realized how it looked and at my request also talked to Sarah about my views and she said understood these apparently. Our families are quite meshed together - should we just break up with their family? I am not sure my husband would agree to this. Sarah would also be devastated, at a point when she is already struggling. She is receiving some help but the counselor is so busy Sarah can only get infrequent appointments. Over time we have had different friends move away and these are (or have been) our oldest and closest friends. I make Sarah sound not that nice, but we do actually get on and although I don't need her in my life, I would be sad to see her go as we like doing the same things in our spare time. WWYD?

OP posts:
MonochromeMinnie · 15/03/2021 08:04

Sorry but you're being very naive. Stop trying to be so bloody nice and back away from this 'friendship'. You say she has lots of friends, so let her turn to them for a change. I do understand, as I had a 'friend' just the same, who I spent many hours supporting and counselling. She was flirty with my husband, and others, but eventually she outright propositioned him. It backfired as she was sure he wouldn't resist, but he did and she lost us, and a few others from our group, as friends.

MzHz · 15/03/2021 08:29

I agree, first and foremost you agree to back away from this couple and then you actually do it

No more holidays, no more visits, leave it longer and longer to reply.

This woman is not a friend to your marriage

You know this and perhaps you speak to your dh and lay it on the line about what she’s up to here

Does he want you and him to split? Because that’s what she’s driving for.

NotSeenBulling · 15/03/2021 08:53

Agree. You have a DH problem. No point in speaking to 'Sarah' it's way past that.

Tell him that for your own MH you both have to cut Sarah loose. If he is compliant start to watch his phone activity. If he remains in contact with her you have your answer. He is choosing her over you.

I know you don't see it this way OP. You think all is well and Sarah is the problem. She is but she really isn't at the same time. Get her out of your lives and watch and wait and wait and watch.

Stratfordplace · 15/03/2021 09:07

It’s a difficult situation. Whatever you do you will look bad. One thing for sure, she’s not your friend.

rulerbirds · 15/03/2021 09:13

Move. Don’t tell her. Find another property far far away. Say to your husband that you fancy a fresh start somewhere else so let’s get the house valued. See what he says. My money is on the fact that he’s shagging Sarah already and won’t want to move

Nith · 15/03/2021 09:36

I have not been happy with the situation for a while and in the past when i have decided to put a line in the sand and say something to her, something inevitably happens in Sarah's life with her worsening relationship. And then I think I can't bring the topic up with her now, I will have to do it later - and then the cycle repeats

Why do you need to say anything to her? Why not just distance yourself, stop asking her round or meeting up with her, be on your way out if she turns up without an invitation, and above all bin any ideas of going on holiday with her or anything similar?

An0n0n0n · 15/03/2021 09:36

I'd break up with her. Don't answer her calls, texts. Don't tell your husband, I'd be interested to hear how he finds out..

I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that you've had enough and you see her actively pursuing him and friends don't do that and you're done. Dont engage any further.

I wouldn't say it to him just yet but if he strikes up a seperate friendship with her then id tell him he is walking a dangerous line and she isn't welcome in your home and you won't be taken for a ride. Then watch and observe. She will likely bombard him with texts, let it happen for a while with out comment and either take a sneaky look at the messages or give him an ultimatum.

Bottom line is that given the foot rubs etc you are not some controlling banshee if you give him a her or me ultimatum.

Stratfordplace · 15/03/2021 09:40

AnOnOnOn excellent advice.

Itlod1982 · 15/03/2021 09:41

@Lovelydiscusfish Exactly this!!!

rulerbirds · 15/03/2021 09:42

Do exactly what AnOnOnOn says

LolaSmiles · 15/03/2021 09:53

She doesn't sound like a friend to your marriage. I've been called a 'cool wife' on here for being okay with opposite sex friendships, but the pair of them are crossing boundaries in plain sight here.

Sarah's behaviour is out of order, but she isn't to blame for your husband's actions. He has to make a decision whether he's going to prioritise a friendship with a woman who is clearly after a romantic relationship with him or his marriage and family.

ChronicallyCurious · 15/03/2021 10:31

I think the only options are either you both bin her or you bin your husband.

Heartrateslowingdown · 15/03/2021 10:41

‘ChronicallyCurious

I think the only options are either you both bin her or you bin your husband

THIS

Beautiful3 · 15/03/2021 12:12

For me I'd be weighing up who I'm prepared to lose e.g. my husband or friend. The boundaries are blurred and an affair could happen, it's not impossible. She cries on your husbands shoulder and they hug, perhaps kiss. I'd get rid of the friend, my family comes first. She has other friends she can see and can either work on her marriage or leave to find a better husband...but to stop using yours as a surrogate husband.

MiaowMiaow99 · 15/03/2021 12:46

It does sound like Sarah is lining your husband up to be the second Mr Sarah so she can jump ship.

Agree with OnandOn

WisnaeMe · 15/03/2021 16:24

OP how are you doing, I do hope you're untangling your marriage from Sarah 🌺

Original poster
Corneliafunk · 16/03/2021 08:04

Thanks to everyone who posted – I really appreciate it! I have read every one of the messages and they have resonated with me. The one about Joelene especially as that is how I have been feeling.

Anyway, as an update, I emailed my husband at work late yesterday afternoon and said that we needed to let Sarah go permanently – and explained again all my reasoning.

He emailed back and said he agreed with everything I had said. Apparently that morning she had contacted him because her husband has again asked her to leave the family home for good. This is obviously not something that should be done until there is a lawyer involved and there hasn’t been to date. She was now asking my DH if he knew of a divorce lawyer. She probably already knew that he didn’t (because why would he?) – but I know that another friend of hers is finalising her own divorce and is someone who could actually provide a recommendation. At this point my husband told Sarah he needed to back away a bit for the good of his marriage – stop being her ‘go to’ person because it wasn’t helping anyone and was damaging to his relationship with me and that he couldn’t let that happen. He also said he was concerned that her confiding in him was part of the problem between her and her husband. He also said again that she needed a lawyer.

After receiving my email later in the day he then sent her a text saying he couldn’t be in touch with her again.

I found out all of this when he got home as I hadn’t realised he had replied to my message. So that bit is good. What isn’t so good is how upset he is. He says it is because she is in a really miserable situation and that it also bought home again for him that our friendship with them is irrevocably at an end. But by the end of our whole discussion last night he did mention that he might at least text her for her birthday (birthdays are always significant events for her, no matter whose it is). Mulling this over I told him this morning that this isn’t on and he needs to cut contact. He agreed. I said I feel I am being the bad cop when in fact I am in the innocent party in all of this – he apologized again and agreed that none of the situation was of my doing.

I have shown him this thread and again he agrees with majority of the comments made and also in the main with what I have said here too. He still feels sad at the loss of a significant part of our social life. I have said we have to get out and meet new, more normal people!

OP posts:
Sohum · 16/03/2021 08:22

Is there definitely nothing going on between them because in my experience blokes don’t get this upset or involved with female drama unless they’re getting a shag out of it. His whole behaviour stinks like shit. Sorry OP.

Sohum · 16/03/2021 08:23

I think you should message Sarah and ask her bluntly if she’s fucked your husband

Anydreamwilldo12 · 16/03/2021 09:48

He is definitely weirdly emotionally attached to Sarah. It's a very strange way for a married man to behave.

panickingpat · 16/03/2021 10:17

Something doesn't sit right with this. Is Sarah still in touch with you?

Beefcurtains79 · 16/03/2021 10:39

Has Sarah contacted you at all? Since she’s apparently your mate you’d think she would. Even just to say sorry if she’s overstepped or just to say goodbye, i mean if your husband has told her that you are both cutting ties with her.
I reckon you made your move in the nick of time.

LolaSmiles · 16/03/2021 10:49

It's good you've spoke to him and he's cut the relationship.

I'd maybe have eyes in the back of your head for a while though, as he seems to have told Sarah that he's stepping back because their friendship was damaging his relationship with you. She now knows that your relationship is fragile in some areas. If she is interested in him then i wouldn't be surprised if she creates more dramas that 'need' his input because he's subtly given the message I'm only stopping our friendship because my wife says so.

Beefcurtains79 · 16/03/2021 10:59

Why did her asking him about a divorce lawyer prompt him to officially call off the friendship? This was before he received your email wasn’t it?

PrintempsAhoy · 16/03/2021 11:04

Why are you e-mailing your husband? Better to talk face to face (and no risk of e-mails being forwarded)