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AIBU?

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Original poster

break up with family friends? WWYD?

218 replies

Corneliafunk · 14/03/2021 22:09

long time lurker. would welcome your thoughts about a situation I find myself in...
long time friends with 2 young-ish kids now appear to be in a toxic relationship where he emotionally abuses her. My DH and I have been supporting her, even as much as to first identify what was going on as she, (calling her 'Sarah'), hadn't realized how bad it was herself. They have been together 20 years.
They are still sharing a house but of recent times leading separate lives while working out what to do. Sarah has since told a few close others but relies heavily on my husband and i with many texts and impromptu visits over the past 3-4 months during which she is often (understandably) upset.
However, to me it has become apparent over that time that Sarah seems to envisage a future for herself and her children at some point with my husband and our 2 kids. I have spoken a few times to him about this but most recently he has started to say 'are you still going on about this'; and 'I don't see it'. Examples of what I am seeing include: Sarah tells me things, but then tells my husband something different (e.g. before their relationship blew up we all holidayed together and split the bills equally, except when it was her turn to do this with me at the grocery store when she refused. my husband talked to her and of course she then agreed). She has told me she had a previous boyfriend my husband's height (he is only as tall as I am) and it didn't bother her. Always talking about him. Complaining about my husband and I having 'in jokes' that she is excluded from. Things like this. I want to stay friends with her as I like her as a person and I feel for her. I think my husband and i are too closely involved in their troubles. My DH agrees and wants to step away a bit, but no more than this as he sees her as a really good friend. He actively dislikes Sarah's husband now given the behavior we saw on holiday and all the many things Sarah has since told us about him and how he is reacting to their relationship troubles. At another earlier holiday we all had together, before I knew about Sarah relationship problems, I later complained to my husband that I felt boundaries between him (my DH) and her were blurred - they spent so much time together, were rubbing each others legs with their feet under the card table as a joke, frequently bumping shoulders in a playful way, stayed up talking late into the night long after the rest of us went to bed etc. My husband apologized and said he hadn't realized how it looked and at my request also talked to Sarah about my views and she said understood these apparently. Our families are quite meshed together - should we just break up with their family? I am not sure my husband would agree to this. Sarah would also be devastated, at a point when she is already struggling. She is receiving some help but the counselor is so busy Sarah can only get infrequent appointments. Over time we have had different friends move away and these are (or have been) our oldest and closest friends. I make Sarah sound not that nice, but we do actually get on and although I don't need her in my life, I would be sad to see her go as we like doing the same things in our spare time. WWYD?

OP posts:
Stratfordplace · 16/03/2021 12:04

Sorry this is stranger and stranger. Why did she contact your DH and not you if you are all friends.

She sounds a right piece of work. Please be blunt with her and tell her not to contact you or DH again as you have no wish to be involved with the constant drama. You will also find yourself wondering what went on further down the line.

Standrewsschool · 16/03/2021 12:06

Must admit, I found emailing dh at work a bit strange, rather than a conversation in the evening.

I guess it’s natural to grieve the end of the friendship,

@lolasmiles sums up some of my thoughts also. Dh has effectively told Sarah that his relationship is on fragile grounds. Hopefully Sarah won’t offer her shoulder for him to cry on, or to share experiences etc.

It’s good dh is taking everything on board though.

WisnaeMe · 16/03/2021 12:07

my spidey senses are running riot OP, he readily agrees to everything you say, and is visibly upset. Alarm bells would be ringing for me, and I would consider asking him why he is prioritising Sarahs needs over yours. The Birthday text excuse is bullocks and you know it, its simply an excuse to remain in contact with her.

something is very off here OP. 🌺

hardboiledeggs · 16/03/2021 12:17

That's good that he has agreed to cut her off. She is no friend and seems to be looking for a replacement Husband. Your Husbands behaviour though would concern me, he seems to be a little over invested with her. I would certainly keep an eye on him over the coming months. I don't think this is the last time you will have to deal with this. A fallout of sorts will come, you need to be ready for it. Good luck.

Outbutnotoutout · 16/03/2021 12:19

Have you actually seen the messages between them, because that would tell you quite a lot.

If anything, you should be her go to person, not your husband, she is your friend.

My partner and I have couple friends, when organising things, I message the female, partner messages the male. It would be weird otherwise 😕

WitchWife · 16/03/2021 12:35

Bit convenient that he happened to tell her to back off the very day you asked him to do so... is it just me struggling to believe he did this?

I'd worry that he's just "sad" that they can't communicate openly and you've effectively forced him to be secretive.

Candleabra · 16/03/2021 12:42

@WitchWife

Bit convenient that he happened to tell her to back off the very day you asked him to do so... is it just me struggling to believe he did this?

I'd worry that he's just "sad" that they can't communicate openly and you've effectively forced him to be secretive.

Err yes just what I thought. "She's onto me/us, change of tack required"
Thewithesarehere · 16/03/2021 12:50

It does sound alarming to an extent but it may be that OP is quite worried and that is why he did it this way.
OP, sending email sounds a bit odd to me. I don’t know your relationship with him but emailing sounds quite worrying to me. As others have said, a talk would have been more natural may be.
I don’t know. I have never emailed my DH in all this time. It sounds quite odd and probably made him panic. Or may be I am clutching at the straws.

TillyTopper · 16/03/2021 12:56

She is not your friend and I think you and your DH have to cut her off. There are worried that she'd be left in an abusive relationship but really all you are doing for her is putting a sticking plaster on it - only she can solve it. She, and maybe your DH, are definitely taking you for a fool. I'd want me and DH to actively move away from her (emotionally) and find other things to do together. She sounds bad news.

Sohum · 16/03/2021 13:24

If it looks like a fish and tastes like a fish then it’s probably fish. This has fishy all over it. Insist on seeing the messages. Message Sarah and say “do not contact either of us again” you need to also message her husband and find out exactly why they are splitting up

Sohum · 16/03/2021 13:25

And why does your husband care so much about her birthday? This screams affair, most men don’t give a shit about random female birthdays

Outbutnotoutout · 16/03/2021 13:54

@Sohum

And why does your husband care so much about her birthday? This screams affair, most men don’t give a shit about random female birthdays
This with bells on, most struggle to make an effort with their own family, let alone some random.
WisnaeMe · 16/03/2021 14:00

@Sohum

And why does your husband care so much about her birthday? This screams affair, most men don’t give a shit about random female birthdays

This ... red flags all over it 🚩🚩

she has seeped right into the roots of your marriage 🌺

AnotherKrampus · 16/03/2021 14:02

Glad your DH has come to his senses. At least, I hope so and the proof is in the pudding that he isn't just telling you what you want to hear but really does cut contact. Given the conduct and behaviour of this woman, I am inclined to think that she is a duplicitous shyster and not an innocent victim but keeps engineering those issues with her husband. Glad you have taken action and put yourself first.

Notaroadrunner · 16/03/2021 14:38

@Outbutnotoutout

Have you actually seen the messages between them, because that would tell you quite a lot.

If anything, you should be her go to person, not your husband, she is your friend.

My partner and I have couple friends, when organising things, I message the female, partner messages the male. It would be weird otherwise 😕

I was wondering the same thing - has he shown you the messages regarding her looking for a divorce lawyer and his response to the message? If not why believe a word he's telling you? He could simply be telling you what you want to hear. Has she made contact with you at all since he told her he was backing off?
VettiyaIruken · 16/03/2021 14:50

How coincidental.

This smells more fishy than billingsgate market.

I wouldn't believe him, I really wouldn't. There's more to it than he's admitting imo.

WitchWife · 16/03/2021 15:48

I think we should remember that it's possible that BOTH Sarah is an arse AND her husband is a (controlling or general) arse. It doesn't have to be that she was lying about the husband and/or he is actually lovely just because she isn't covering herself in glory.

dottiedodah · 16/03/2021 15:50

I think you will have to lay it on the line with your DH! Firstly you need to break ties with this woman .She is not your friend Im afraid! Sadly she seems to be intent on seeing your DH as a stand in for hers !

Sohum · 16/03/2021 15:54

Have you spoken to Sarah since any of this happened?

Sahm101 · 16/03/2021 16:06

She sounds more trouble than the friendship is worth. She has NO respect for you and the support you have provided. There are women like these who won't think a second to stab you in the back. Absolutely cut her out. She is already causing problems, and she is just a.'friend'.

Lovelydiscusfish · 16/03/2021 16:11

@WitchWife

I think we should remember that it's possible that BOTH Sarah is an arse AND her husband is a (controlling or general) arse. It doesn't have to be that she was lying about the husband and/or he is actually lovely just because she isn't covering herself in glory.
This is true - I think the woman who exH had an affair with probably was genuinely in an awful marriage (we knew her husband a bit too, and he did seem weird and unpleasant). And throughout I had sympathy with her for that. Even tho she is a bit of a twat, and she shagged my husband (but that’s exH’s fault more than hers - he never could keep it in his pants).
Bluetrews25 · 16/03/2021 16:42

The impression I've picked up is that she's in a toxic marriage and cannot make any decisions or do anything for herself. You have said this yourself OP.
Is it any wonder, therefore that she is trying to bag herself a new male person to tell her what to do (as she cannot think for herself) and has chosen the nearest friendly male. Rescue me!
He may have been oblivious to her ultimate motives, he may not. Who knows how far it has progressed.
Giving DH the benefit of the doubt, he may not have twigged that she is after him as a replacement. He was only trying to help and did not pick up on the gleam in her eye. Perhaps. Confused

WisnaeMe · 16/03/2021 16:56

@Bluetrews25

The impression I've picked up is that she's in a toxic marriage and cannot make any decisions or do anything for herself. You have said this yourself OP. Is it any wonder, therefore that she is trying to bag herself a new male person to tell her what to do (as she cannot think for herself) and has chosen the nearest friendly male. Rescue me! He may have been oblivious to her ultimate motives, he may not. Who knows how far it has progressed. Giving DH the benefit of the doubt, he may not have twigged that she is after him as a replacement. He was only trying to help and did not pick up on the gleam in her eye. Perhaps. Confused

very good and sounds spot on 🌺

Original poster
Corneliafunk · 17/03/2021 07:15

Thanks again everyone - I have taken a lot from your messages. Just to clarify some things:
*the emailing - I was at home but wanted to write my thoughts down and to give DH advanced warning that I wanted to talk about these. He was at work but I intended we would talk once he got home and after the kids were in their rooms
*I haven't been in touch with Sarah again since the weekend and i don't intend to be

  • DH knew Sarah and her husband, although not that well, before I met him, so quite often from the beginning altho we saw less of them back then, Sarah would organise social things directly with DH as their work offices are somewhat nearby each other. I just got used to this set up i guess. Sometimes she and I would arrange stuff or other times she would with my DH.

Latest problem is that DH was a signatory to their Trust dating from about 8 years ago. I can hear someone (not Sarah) on the phone now talking to him about this. Sarah is completely blind as to their finances and so this needs to be unraveled. Sarah will need as much money as she can get to have a decent life for her and the kids post split, but her DH is not forthcoming with the information needed. So it is complicated - needless to say. Frustrating as I can see him being drawn back into the situation he only extricated himself from yesterday (or was it the day before??).

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 17/03/2021 08:19

So she is now ringing him again, only a day after being told to back off. Is she incapable of using google or a solicitor to find the answers to all these questions that she simply has to ask your partner about?
Quite frankly at this point your husband might be named on the divorce papers he’s so involved in their relationship and business.
I can’t believe you’ve not even had an apologetic/embarrassed text from her! Actually, yes I can.