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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

break up with family friends? WWYD?

218 replies

Corneliafunk · 14/03/2021 22:09

long time lurker. would welcome your thoughts about a situation I find myself in...
long time friends with 2 young-ish kids now appear to be in a toxic relationship where he emotionally abuses her. My DH and I have been supporting her, even as much as to first identify what was going on as she, (calling her 'Sarah'), hadn't realized how bad it was herself. They have been together 20 years.
They are still sharing a house but of recent times leading separate lives while working out what to do. Sarah has since told a few close others but relies heavily on my husband and i with many texts and impromptu visits over the past 3-4 months during which she is often (understandably) upset.
However, to me it has become apparent over that time that Sarah seems to envisage a future for herself and her children at some point with my husband and our 2 kids. I have spoken a few times to him about this but most recently he has started to say 'are you still going on about this'; and 'I don't see it'. Examples of what I am seeing include: Sarah tells me things, but then tells my husband something different (e.g. before their relationship blew up we all holidayed together and split the bills equally, except when it was her turn to do this with me at the grocery store when she refused. my husband talked to her and of course she then agreed). She has told me she had a previous boyfriend my husband's height (he is only as tall as I am) and it didn't bother her. Always talking about him. Complaining about my husband and I having 'in jokes' that she is excluded from. Things like this. I want to stay friends with her as I like her as a person and I feel for her. I think my husband and i are too closely involved in their troubles. My DH agrees and wants to step away a bit, but no more than this as he sees her as a really good friend. He actively dislikes Sarah's husband now given the behavior we saw on holiday and all the many things Sarah has since told us about him and how he is reacting to their relationship troubles. At another earlier holiday we all had together, before I knew about Sarah relationship problems, I later complained to my husband that I felt boundaries between him (my DH) and her were blurred - they spent so much time together, were rubbing each others legs with their feet under the card table as a joke, frequently bumping shoulders in a playful way, stayed up talking late into the night long after the rest of us went to bed etc. My husband apologized and said he hadn't realized how it looked and at my request also talked to Sarah about my views and she said understood these apparently. Our families are quite meshed together - should we just break up with their family? I am not sure my husband would agree to this. Sarah would also be devastated, at a point when she is already struggling. She is receiving some help but the counselor is so busy Sarah can only get infrequent appointments. Over time we have had different friends move away and these are (or have been) our oldest and closest friends. I make Sarah sound not that nice, but we do actually get on and although I don't need her in my life, I would be sad to see her go as we like doing the same things in our spare time. WWYD?

OP posts:
Gamble66 · 18/03/2021 08:07

Offs woman stop explaing it to him and tell him to cut her off or see a solicitor on his own behalf. Letting it 'rumble on' is the stupidest thing you can do.

Standrewsschool · 18/03/2021 08:11

Wow, that didn’t last long.

It sounds like Sarah has got everyone dancing to her tune. Maybe she is genuinely ill, but if so, you can’t fix her, she needs to speak to gp. She seems to have got everyone involved in her troubles. If she calls again, don’t engage, but get her to call gp/111 for health problems, police if at risk, or look on the internet for solicitor, lawyers etc contact details.

Sarah’s situation IS NOT your responsibilty.

panickingpat · 18/03/2021 08:21

Why does your husband feel like he has a right to sort her problems? Is he a solicitor. Personally I think they are both taking the pee out of you.

MaliceOrgan · 18/03/2021 08:31

I am not convinced they are having an affair (yet) but it definitely all sounds odd. But the bit that screams out at me is that he is making you out to be the bad guy here - as though he's only dropping (not very successfully) contact because of you rather than because of anything inappropriate either of them have done - whether intentionally or not.

She sounds like she has other avenues of support, who also seem very invested in her situation. Leave this to them if she really can't cope on her own - I would be really pissed off with the friend for telling me to keep an eye out on her too. Although maybe she doesn't realise how over involved you and your husband are in Sarah's life.

Berthatydfil · 18/03/2021 08:43

Sarah needs (in no particular order)
A solicitor
An appointment with her gp/mental health team
women’s aid
The police

What she doesn’t need is various unqualified friends /their husbands getting overly involved.

Bluetrews25 · 18/03/2021 08:49

Anyone else registering the flying monkeys and 'suicidal' thoughts? ('You have to look after her, I'm worried about her MH')
Typical when trying to break away.
Sure, she is in a crap situation, but that doesn't mean she isn't manipulative.

TheThermalStair · 18/03/2021 08:54

@Standrewsschool

Wow, that didn’t last long.

It sounds like Sarah has got everyone dancing to her tune. Maybe she is genuinely ill, but if so, you can’t fix her, she needs to speak to gp. She seems to have got everyone involved in her troubles. If she calls again, don’t engage, but get her to call gp/111 for health problems, police if at risk, or look on the internet for solicitor, lawyers etc contact details.

Sarah’s situation IS NOT your responsibilty.

Trouble is OP gets this, but husband is still running over to Sarah’s (!!) at every opportunity. He probably knows all this and doesn’t care.

I agree with PP - it’s TIME to give him the choice. End contact with Sarah in all forms or leave.

TheThermalStair · 18/03/2021 08:56

P.S. I cannot for one moment believe a grown man and woman sat down and discussed your views and measured out whether or not she was planning to “steal” him, whatever the chat was - it wasn’t that. Can you imagine going over to a possible affair partner’s house and saying “sorry Barry I can’t see you any more, Lee is worried you’re trying to steal me and I see why”. Hmm

ekidmxcl · 18/03/2021 09:06

Just because Sarah’s husband is a bad person, it doesn’t mean Sarah is a good person. She could also be a bad person. Having been told to scale back contact significantly for serious reasons, she phones your husband in tears. And presumably Sarah was the catalyst for the other friend telling you/your dh that she was worried about Sarah.

This all stinks.
The only way forwards is to cut all contact.
I can’t actually believe your dh went running back there when she phoned up in tears. I don’t think your dh is innocent here. Either that or his naïveté is extraordinary.

Livelovebehappy · 18/03/2021 09:10

Walk away and cut off totally. You don’t want to be one of those people posting on here a year from now about how your DH has left you for her, and how sad you are that you didn’t act on the red flags a year ago. She’s clearly lining up your husband as an escape route out of her marriage, and as far as I can see is not a good friend to you. Just start to pull away gradually. Stop involving her in things. She has to stop using you and your husband as an emotional crutch.

IndecentFeminist · 18/03/2021 09:11

Does he not think it odd that he is her main focus, and not you?

Stratfordplace · 18/03/2021 09:16

Sarah is emotionally manipulative. What does she think your DH can do regarding her financial situation. Are you both quite comfortably off financially, if so she’s definitely lining your DH up as a new partner. Sorry to be blunt but sometimes when you are in this situation you can’t see what everyone else is seeing. Sarah is not your friend, and at the moment neither is your DH. Go away for the weekend and leave him to stew.

Gobbeldegook · 18/03/2021 09:28

Maybe her husband is being a prick to her because he knows she's having an affair with your husband.
Have you spoke to her husband?

Xiaoxiong · 18/03/2021 09:45

He tells her he needs to step back, but he gets a sad message from her and goes over to her house by himself, and only tells you when he gets home where he's been?

Either he is extraordinarily naïve, or you are. I'm leaning towards you at the moment, unfortunately.

I feel like when I'm talking to my primary school children "what went wrong? What could you have done instead?" He could have:

  • called Sarah's other friend to alert her of Sarah's distress
  • called you to tell you about the message and discuss IN ADVANCE what he should do
  • got you on the line and called Sarah together to make sure she was ok
  • and failing all that, he could have called the police to do a welfare check if she was in danger from herself or others
annonnymous · 18/03/2021 09:55

She sees her situation in the future with your husband. He is attracted to her and emotionally involved. You are banging your head against the brick wall of your DHs denial of the situation. You need to disentangle your two families and do things that don't involve her. It's tough for her in an unhappy relationship but if you don't you will sleepwalk them into an affair.

MrsMathers · 18/03/2021 09:58

I think your DH is enjoying the drama and attention of the situation. From both Sarah and you.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 18/03/2021 10:00

Is this real? I can't imagine somebody in this situation writing so passively and unemotionally about it...

HeartsAndClubs · 18/03/2021 10:02

he needs to step away because I think he and she were way too close - and that he can understand my feelings. Tbh I think it’s more likely that he said “we need to be discrete, because Corneliafunk is starting to get suspicious.”

MichelleScarn · 18/03/2021 10:05

She thinks I misinterpreted stuff and that there was no intent to steal him. Long story short when i got home he told me all of this and believes that there is the potential that I did misinterpret things

He's definitely choosing his alliance, and it's just not on that they had this lovely wee chat of which the outcome is your the problem?!

LolaSmiles · 18/03/2021 10:10

I can't believe he's not only gone round to see her, but they've also been discussing you. Assuming nothing is going on, it sounds like he's taken the line "I would love to help you Sarah, but my wife thinks you're trying to steal me from her so I'm not allowed to be friends with you", rather than a simple "this situation isn't healthy and it's diverting my time and attention from where it should be. You need professional advice on your finances and divorce proceedings".

Something you might want to consider is that some posters on her say 'a man doesn't leave until he's got somewhere to go'. Is there a chance that he's so invested in Sarah's finances after her divorce because he wants to make sure that they have enough money and assets to start over together? Even if they've not had a physical affair, his level of emotional investment and willingness to carry her mental load sounds unhealthy.

candycane222 · 18/03/2021 10:28

She thinks I misinterpreted stuff and that there was no intent to steal him. Long story short when i got home he told me all of this and believes that there is the potential that I did misinterpret things

How bizzarre that you a)believe this a plausible conversation for them to have had and b)appear willing to accept their interpretation of events.

Would any conversation in any imaginable world go like : "Am I chasing you? Oooh, I don't know, maybe I am! But actually, no, I don't think I actually am, am I? " .

No it wouldn't!!! That is bizzarre!! And after your husband's assurances he "understood" and would pull back, you still passively accept him running over and without a word to you.

You too seem to have an awful lot still invested in "saving" Sarah. But she isn't your responsibility! Even if you initially helped her to see she needed saving. PUT HER DOWN AND STEP AWAY.

Even though you are probably afraid of being seen as the 'bad friend' when you pull away, you can simply say "ah, we had too many problems of our own, (which lets face it, you do!) and we really didn't feel we were helping her move forward, she really needed professional help. (Murmur on about how awful Sarah's husband is etc)." Subject closed. Behaving sensibly ought not to be social death, and if it is in your circle, you need new friends!

LoudestCat14 · 18/03/2021 10:44

I think the fact Sarah hasn't got in touch to set you straight about what's (not) being going on and reassure you speaks volumes.

Plus, how can you be sure what your DH is telling you is true – are you sure she was crying on the phone because of her finances and not because he's ending their affair? Why run straight round there to deal with paperwork? Sadly I think they've already crossed the line from an EA to a physical one and that's why he's reluctant to end things.

MadamBatty · 18/03/2021 10:48

Sarah’s are vampires who will suck you dry.

You need to put yourself first, ahead of your husband, ahead of Sarah. You need to be very very clear that you are not tolerating anything less than no contact with Sarah from your husband.

I knew a Sarah, a little too well. She’s now married to the rescuer. The original wife was totally screwed over financially, emotionally & every other way.

You need a big dose of cop on.

Nith · 18/03/2021 10:50

So, Sarah phoned your husband in such a state that he had to go to see her despite the facts that:

  1. He has told her he needs to step away;
  2. She has at least one other friend looking out for her;
  3. She has a solicitors' appointment booked.

It very clearly is not you who is misinterpreting anything.

Please don't let this "rumble on". As your husband is currently in agreeing with you mode, ask him to confirm that he's blocked Sarah everywhere. She is obviously not solely dependent on him, he doesn't have to assume that he is the only person who can help her, so he needs to leave her to it.

HeartsAndClubs · 18/03/2021 10:57

I can almost see how this is going to go.

DH will keep reassuring the op that he’s with her, loves her, etc while all the while going round to Sarah’s.

Eventually he will start to paint Sarah as a crazy stalker, conveniently forgetting to mention that the reason why she appears like that is because he’s promised her a future and is stalling on leaving his wife. and meanwhile he’s painting the OP as irrational to Sarah and is probably using that as an excuse as to why he hasn’t left her yet. He’s probably painted her as mentally unstable and fearing for her if he leaves.

Sarah is the OW so of course that makes her morally questionable. But the DH is cheating on his wife, and the OP is playing the pick me dance. And truth is he’s probably already planning to leave for Sarah just as soon as her divorce comes through.