break up with family friends? WWYD?

[Corneliafunk]

long time lurker. would welcome your thoughts about a situation I find myself in...
long time friends with 2 young-ish kids now appear to be in a toxic relationship where he emotionally abuses her. My DH and I have been supporting her, even as much as to first identify what was going on as she, (calling her 'Sarah'), hadn't realized how bad it was herself. They have been together 20 years.
They are still sharing a house but of recent times leading separate lives while working out what to do. Sarah has since told a few close others but relies heavily on my husband and i with many texts and impromptu visits over the past 3-4 months during which she is often (understandably) upset.
However, to me it has become apparent over that time that Sarah seems to envisage a future for herself and her children at some point with my husband and our 2 kids. I have spoken a few times to him about this but most recently he has started to say 'are you still going on about this'; and 'I don't see it'. Examples of what I am seeing include: Sarah tells me things, but then tells my husband something different (e.g. before their relationship blew up we all holidayed together and split the bills equally, except when it was her turn to do this with me at the grocery store when she refused. my husband talked to her and of course she then agreed). She has told me she had a previous boyfriend my husband's height (he is only as tall as I am) and it didn't bother her. Always talking about him. Complaining about my husband and I having 'in jokes' that she is excluded from. Things like this. I want to stay friends with her as I like her as a person and I feel for her. I think my husband and i are too closely involved in their troubles. My DH agrees and wants to step away a bit, but no more than this as he sees her as a really good friend. He actively dislikes Sarah's husband now given the behavior we saw on holiday and all the many things Sarah has since told us about him and how he is reacting to their relationship troubles. At another earlier holiday we all had together, before I knew about Sarah relationship problems, I later complained to my husband that I felt boundaries between him (my DH) and her were blurred - they spent so much time together, were rubbing each others legs with their feet under the card table as a joke, frequently bumping shoulders in a playful way, stayed up talking late into the night long after the rest of us went to bed etc. My husband apologized and said he hadn't realized how it looked and at my request also talked to Sarah about my views and she said understood these apparently. Our families are quite meshed together - should we just break up with their family? I am not sure my husband would agree to this. Sarah would also be devastated, at a point when she is already struggling. She is receiving some help but the counselor is so busy Sarah can only get infrequent appointments. Over time we have had different friends move away and these are (or have been) our oldest and closest friends. I make Sarah sound not that nice, but we do actually get on and although I don't need her in my life, I would be sad to see her go as we like doing the same things in our spare time. WWYD?

Tell her to ring women’s aid.

I’m not surprised her husband isn’t thrilled with his wife or you and your DH as a couple. His wife and your H are sitting together rubbing legs and acting flirty and inappropriately. The normal reaction of any spouse would be hurt and upset.

Would your H be happy with you rubbing some mans leg giggling and flirting with him and turning on the damsel in distress act with him whilst he was forced to stand and watch?

If the ‘friend’ is in a toxic relationship she needs professional halo to get out of it she can contact women’s aid and or seek help from her family.

You need to tell your H your own relationship is about to break down if he chooses to spend more time with this ‘friend’ instead of paying back his own relationship with you attention.

I agree OP, Sarah is playing the classic Damsel in Distress and your DH is dancing to her tune. From what you describe He is already emotionally attached to Sarah and way beyond intimate because they display a natural intimacy right in front of you. They are inappropriate and I know your DH is 'leaving' you to it, but in all honesty it's already too late. They have connected on a personal level, she cries your DH comes running.

She wants your Husband and it looks like she might get your Husband.

Your only option now, it to end contact, you are both WAY too involved in her domestic problems. Has she left her DH NO, so exactly how long do you surrogate Sarah into your Family OP? 1 year 5 years 10 years ?

Tell her to call Womans Aid, and block her, and seriously Lady your marriage might be already over. 🌺

Maybe he’s a bastard to her because she’s constantly cheating on him.

Maybe your husband “convinced” her that she’s in an abusive relationship because they’re having an affair.

Maybe she’s playing the script “my husband doesn’t understand me.”

Your husband and this woman have already been spending time together alone without you, don’t be so naive as to think that they haven’t slept together yet.

Sarah would also be devastated, at a point when she is already struggling. She is receiving some help but the counselor is so busy Sarah can only get infrequent appointments.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM 🌺

This is not ok and YANBU to call it regarding this friendship. She has abused your friendship and used it to enmesh herself into your relationship. That isn’t what friends do. I went through the most horrific divorce after 25 years in an abusive marriage. The repercussions of what my ex did wrecked my life. I was so grateful for the love and support of friends (who apart from 2 are all married) but never pushed myself on them like your friend. I soon realised the practical and emotional fallout from my marriage ending would go on for years and I relied on the amazing emotional support from a housing support worker linked to the Housing Association i was housed by.
She was bloody brilliant but was paid to listen to my ranting and distress. No way could I have used my trauma to wriggle my way into a friends marriage. That would be to abuse someone else on the back of what I’d been through and sabotage their relationship. You are right to end this now. She is toxic.

If her husband is abusive I hope she has the strength to leave him, but is it possible her husband has cottened on to the same behaviour and telling her to cut it out?

It sounds like she does need to end her relationship but you can still take a mental step back from her.

She can’t steal your husband, he would have to be willing to go so that’s your issue. Do you get the idea that he wants to leave you for her or is this just something she might want?

You need to be firm about this when he talks about her say again? Must we talk about her issues constantly? She is like a child staying and whining in a relationship ask him if he would rather a good relationship with his wife? Yes? Then enough bringing her into the relationship

Her genuine relationship issues are not going to get better with your husband propping her up in fact she will stay longer she can have her cake and eat it

The fact your husband wouldn’t cut contact let’s you know where his head is at, and that his foot is already one step out of your door and on it’s way to Sarah’s.

It’s tricky not to want to play the pick me dance, because the more you say you won’t tolerate this the more attractive and stress free Sarah might appear to him.
I think I would try not to be accusing, but I’d be blunt and say ‘I’ve fallen out with Sarah and don’t consider her to be a friend anymore. I don’t want her in our home, and as my husband I’d hope you’d support me. They’re too much drama and I like how our marriage is without their influence.’

I don’t understand why she needs emotional support from you and and your husband. I can’t imagine a healthy scenario where me and my husband would be so invested in a woman. I don’t think you have to ditch her but unless your husband seriously backs off, I don’t see you have a choice.

I'm sorry shes in a bad relationship, but its fiwn to her to leave, noone else. I wouldn't cut her off, but spend limited time with her, without your husband around. I wouldnt ever go away with them either.

She’s not a friend! Cut them off as she’s using you.

Agree you need to cut contact with her OP. If you don't feel able to cut contact outright you need to reduce it significantly.

I don't have any advice re you husband but nicely - wake up.
Every fibre of you knowss theres a huge problem.
So you need to knock the "she's so nice I really want to be her friend" shit on the head and get her out of your lives asap.

This woman is not your friend and I would have no problem directly saying to her "I'm sorry for your troubles but we have our own lives and things to deal with so she's needs to stop contacting you and your husband, back off from both of you and stand on her own two feet now".

The horse has bolted but lockdown was the perfect excuse to get space and distance.

The ‘damsel in distress’ / ‘white knight to the rescue’ format, as a precursor to an affair, is a script as old as time. It’s so clichéd.

Why have the two of you been singled out as the only people who can counsel her, and deal with her issues? Where are her other friends?

You know in your heart of hearts that it’s not right, which is why you’re on here.

And I understand your reticence to end the friendship, if it’s a small town and everyone knows each other. But let’s be honest. There is absolutely no way this has a happy ending - whether you make the break, or just sit back and wait for it to implode.

It’s good your husband is listening to you and doesn’t realise what’s going on. Often these situations occur gradually, a hat less platonic friendship slips into emotional territory category.

I think you need to withdraw your friendship. Maybe still be there on the periphery, ie. group events etc, but not have direct contact.

Fuck Sarah , but you need to talk to your husband and lay some clear boundaries here and be very clear

Be prepared that even if you cut ties with Sarah , he might not
And she might use this to pursue him

Talk to him and lay it out very clearly

Good luck OP

OP, any relationship, including friendship shouldn't feel difficult. Are you getting anything out of your friendship with Sarah?
Her behaviour towards your husband is inappropriate and can't be justified with any personal problems. Your DH is probably one of the men who likes a woman with a broken wing.
I would meet with Sarah and say you are feeling that you are going round in circles. If she wants some practical help, like advice on a divorce solicitor you are here for her, but you reached your emotional capacity and can't be her shoulder to cry anymore

I think that if your relationship is feeling under real threat from a third wheel, it's time to ditch the 3rd wheel.

A conversation with Sarah is overdue, tell her that you'd rather she didn't lean on your husband so much. Same goes with DH. He should not wish to be allowing you to feel threatened like this and should back away from the situation.

Either you break up with Sarah now, or you break up with both your husband and Sarah in about a year's time. Your choice.

However, to me it has become apparent over that time that Sarah seems to envisage a future for herself and her children at some point with my husband and our 2 kids.

How are you still friends with her? WTF?

She has crossed too many lines and you still have her in your life. Her feet on his legs is not normal and is unacceptable. Your Dh is out of line too. He is enjoying the attention.

Our families are quite meshed together - should we just break up with their family? I am not sure my husband would agree to this

I am sure if you were rubbing your feet up another man's legs he would be totally fine with you remaining friends wouldn't he? Of course not. This is not a friendship, it has gone beyond a friendship.

Sarah is choosing her behaviour, you need to choose yours. So what if your lives have been close until this point. She is very clearly, in front of your face, making a play for your husband. I would cut her dead. That is not a friend.

Has it occurred to you that her bad relationship with her husband is due to the fact that she is close to your husband ? My feeling is that she is gaslighting her husband just as yours is gaslighting you.

I feel this because it's exactly what happened to me some years ago , and it turned out that they'd been having an affair for two years , right under my nose and that of her husband.

You need to look at this situation very carefully - I'd put money on them already having an affair .

This is so tricky, there is no clean way out

So, with you and your DH help she has broken up with her DH (BIG MISTAKE on your part, you do not meddle in someone else’s relationship to this extent). She is now part of your marriage

The problem is your DH is now totally emotionally invested in his relationship with her.

You breaking up with her, may well mean her running to your DH (in tears)

You can’t go back to how things were, so instead you need to figure out if there is a way to get this woman out of your life and keep your DH (if it’s not too late for that)

But if OP’s husband would rather be with Sarah, what does she stand to gain by attempting to prevent this by cutting Sarah out of their lives? Who would want to be with someone who would rather be with someone else, but you have somehow managed to strategically prevent this happening?

I think your real problem is not with Sarah, but with your husband. She’s not Jolene, and you don’t have to beg her to please don’t take your man. Women don’t steal men - men go of their own volition.

Whatever you do about Sarah, you are going to need to address this with your husband and determine whether he really wants to be with you or not.

And I’m sorry. I have been in a very similar position and it is not nice. ExH is now with the family friend he was supposedly supporting through an abusive relationship. But I am pleased in retrospect (this was a few years back now) as I am free to be with someone totally committed to me now, rather than someone whose head could be so easily turned. I don’t like his new partner - but not really because of the cheating, just because she is a neurotic twat. It’s exH who owed me his loyalty, and exH who betrayed me.