I need to rant about my DH- he pisses me off so much !

[namechanged2002]

He's so fucking useless I can't stand it. Or is it me ? Do I expect too much ?

I have a one year old and went back to work when he was 7 months old. I had a nanny for a bit but it didn't work out. DH works out of the home in more physical job.

I do the laundry ( it's mostly his shit)
I cook
I clean
I look after the baby

He's so useless. He just can't be bothered. Leaves his shit everywhere and then complains he can't find stuff when he's trying to get dressed. His wardrobe is a horror show. I'm not surprised he can't find stuff. He complains if I haven't cooked dinner that he ' has to fend for himself '. That dinner is always a ' massive deal ' and it's not in my psychy ( sorry don't know how to spell ) to have dinner / cook every day. I cook most days by the way, as I need to for my child. He complains I always make the same thing and actually said I am a rubbish housewife the other day. I said hell yes I am and I didn't sign up to be a housewife and carry everything on my shoulders, as well as working full time.

Even on days where he looks after the child a bit ( like today ), I just can't rely on him. He makes a huge mess. Is grumpy all day. Can't really be bothered to play / interact and is constantly wanting to put him down for a nap. He doesn't enjoy it in my opinion.

He leaves shit everywhere. It drives me insane. Laundry is piled up, he just chucks it on the basket. I've argued with him so much lately and he said ' you won't be happy until I do everything '. Is it really so much to ask for him to sort his clothes out and not to leave his shit everywhere ? I'm really at the end of my tether with it.

It's like the days he's actually here and ' helping ' are worse and I get so angry and worked up. It's better when he's not here and at work. He is not ' helping '- half of this life is HIS responsibility. His moods when he actually does give me a small break, don't even make it worth the break. He just ruins my day with his damn moods.

I know it's my fault. I shouldn't stand for it and I try not to. I've been fighting so much with him but he just calls me a nag. He doesn't get it. I'm really unhappy and tired and I just need a break.

Oh sorry. I have a nanny again now.

His behaviour is not your fault but you do have a choice about whether to put up with it.

It's a LTB from me.

Why did you have a baby with him in the first place?

@CallistoSol

Why did you have a baby with him in the first place?

One can only presume OP's crystal ball was at the repair shop.

It just didn't bother me as much before the baby. I had a cleaner and allowed the flat to become a mess. Got deliveries all the time and just lived my life. I didn't really foresee how it would feel after the baby. I know that's pretty dumb, but I thought he would sort himself out.

@CallistoSol

Why did you have a baby with him in the first place?

BINGO!

Hi OP
Of course you are not being unreasonable expecting not to have to look after a grown adult like a toddler and do everything for him. His comments about you being a housewife shows that he does think it's all your job because you're a woman, even if you work full time. Yoube spoken to him and spoken to him and nothing changes though. Or if it does, it's done with such bad grace to make you never want to ask again. I think give up talking to him now, it's not working. You either need to accept it, or leave, or get him to leave

Life would probably be less stressful and more pleasant if you just lived with your baby and nanny. How does he actually make your life better?

Stop doing his laundry for a start - give him a separate laundry basket and just do your own and the baby's laundry. Don't worry about the mess (as long as the house is safe) and just concentrate on your own needs and your baby. If he is out of the house all day make sure you have a good lunch when you have more energy to make it and then you can let him manage his own meal in the evening. You can tell him that you are tired in the evenings so he needs to step up or move out!

If you both work full time, cooking, tidying, cleaning, laundry, mental load/household management like getting the boiler serviced etc etc etc and childcare should be split 50/50.

Why would he ever think it should happen any other way?

Might he have a wake up call/lightbulb moment if you told him this was a dealbreaker for you and if he didn't start behaving like an equal partner, you will divorce him?

@Expectingsomethingwonderful

Stop doing his laundry for a start - give him a separate laundry basket and just do your own and the baby's laundry. Don't worry about the mess (as long as the house is safe) and just concentrate on your own needs and your baby. If he is out of the house all day make sure you have a good lunch when you have more energy to make it and then you can let him manage his own meal in the evening. You can tell him that you are tired in the evenings so he needs to step up or move out!

This.

Lazy selfish men get worse after children arrive. Always.

This is who he is.
This is who he always was.

You are the one who has changed.

Either suck it up and accept you have had a child with a waster or make a plan to leave him.

Wasters don't change when they have children.

It astounds me that women continue to think that men who do absolutely nothing will magically step up just because a baby arrives.🤷🏻‍♀️

Get organised and get out.

He sounds awful. He's an adult. Tell him straight he's just dead weight, a poor excuse for an adult and not contributing tell him he is expected to do x y z then don't raise it again. He's constantly making it your problem and acting as though it is. Time to demonstrate that you're not falling for that bullshit.

You're not a housewife. You both work and he's a waste of time and space. Be blunt with the idiot

Oh spare me.
There is always one, who is so clever with the "why did you have one-two-three babies with him so?".

For flips sake- when I had my babies, I went from carefree and happily married, with little responsibilities- to the full-on care for another human life.
So, my life, attitude, time management, standards all changed.

If men dont change- that's on them, not their partner who has stepped up.
And, it's not her job to teach/train/persuade/cajole/ find-the-right-words for him either.

No-one had to teach me to put clean the floor- baby would have eaten everything down there if I didn't.

OP is rightly annoyed that the father of her children is not showing that level of care and commitment to his child.

This is another example of the type of man who views a partnership or marriage as moving from one set of minding (his mother's) to another (his wife). And if the wife neglects his needs in favour of a newborn, he expresses his displeasure by making sure there's more housework for her.

@billy1966

Lazy selfish men get worse after children arrive. Always.

This is who he is.
This is who he always was.

You are the one who has changed.

Either suck it up and accept you have had a child with a waster or make a plan to leave him.

Wasters don't change when they have children.

It astounds me that women continue to think that men who do absolutely nothing will magically step up just because a baby arrives.🤷🏻‍♀️

Get organised and get out.

This

He sounds like a twat. He is not making you happy or helping in any way. I know it’s not this simple, but I do think this is LTB territory.

In practical terms, to help in the short term, can the nanny take on any light domestic duties while the baby is sleeping for example? I had a friend who was a nanny and I know she did also help with the laundry and tidying and stuff as part of her job description..... Don’t know how usual that is? 🤷‍♀️

@FionaMacCool

Oh spare me. There is always one, who is so clever with the "why did you have one-two-three babies with him so?".

For flips sake- when I had my babies, I went from carefree and happily married, with little responsibilities- to the full-on care for another human life.
So, my life, attitude, time management, standards all changed.

If men dont change- that's on them, not their partner who has stepped up.
And, it's not her job to teach/train/persuade/cajole/ find-the-right-words for him either.

No-one had to teach me to put clean the floor- baby would have eaten everything down there if I didn't.

OP is rightly annoyed that the father of her children is not showing that level of care and commitment to his child.

This is another example of the type of man who views a partnership or marriage as moving from one set of minding (his mother's) to another (his wife). And if the wife neglects his needs in favour of a newborn, he expresses his displeasure by making sure there's more housework for her.

All of this- completely agree.

We women change and step-up for our babies and so should men. It’s pointless asking posters why they had babies with these men, it’s done.

OP he’s shown you who he is- sounds like you’d be happier without him.

Oh just get rid of him. You don't need to live like this. Trust me, you'll feel far less resentful in a house without him. Been there, done that.

Get rid of the useless tool, your life will be so much better. He is a drain on your life and shown that he doesn't respect you. If he did he would make an effort.

Or maybe try one last stab at this by putting it simply to him- take care of your own shit only and let's see how that goes. He is responsible for his own mess and putting it away properly and not making extra work for you. If you've been working too, he cooks if he wants something special. If he can't even do any that to make your life easier, fuck him off. You'll have a lifetime of this and will wish you made changes earlier if one day you realise that's really it.

@littlepattilou

BINGO!

There’s always a poster who’s falling all over themselves to blame the OP, no matter what their useless twat of a husband/partner has done. It is endemic.

OP, make a list for each of you of the hours you work, the household jobs you do and show him - physically on paper - what a useless piece of unappreciative, childish shit he is. And then leave him to ‘fend for himself’ (🤮) in real life. And tell him that you’re not a ‘housewife’, you’re a full time working mother.

He sounds useless. The problem is he has always been useless and seemingly has no urge to change his ways.

Does he have any other redeeming factors? Because in all honesty it’s unlikely he is going to change.

If I were you I’d accept that this is who he is and start working on an exit plan ASAP.

And no you are not expecting too much at all, you wasn’t expecting too much before baby was born either.

What’s changed apart from baby is that you are not outsourcing his contribution and are doing the things he never done anyway.

Sounds like you grew up but he didn’t.

You haven’t got to stay though.

Honestly, you guys have no idea how I am always made to feel like I am the problem. He says his biggest problem in life is me and how I am. This then makes me wonder if it really is me. I'm a sucker of being made to feel like things are my fault.

Sorry you’re having a horrendous time OP.

Could I suggest putting a schedule up with separate lists? That way he would see all the things you’ve done and that you’re not being unfair.