I need to rant about my DH- he pisses me off so much !

[namechanged2002]

He's so fucking useless I can't stand it. Or is it me ? Do I expect too much ?

I have a one year old and went back to work when he was 7 months old. I had a nanny for a bit but it didn't work out. DH works out of the home in more physical job.

I do the laundry ( it's mostly his shit)
I cook
I clean
I look after the baby

He's so useless. He just can't be bothered. Leaves his shit everywhere and then complains he can't find stuff when he's trying to get dressed. His wardrobe is a horror show. I'm not surprised he can't find stuff. He complains if I haven't cooked dinner that he ' has to fend for himself '. That dinner is always a ' massive deal ' and it's not in my psychy ( sorry don't know how to spell ) to have dinner / cook every day. I cook most days by the way, as I need to for my child. He complains I always make the same thing and actually said I am a rubbish housewife the other day. I said hell yes I am and I didn't sign up to be a housewife and carry everything on my shoulders, as well as working full time.

Even on days where he looks after the child a bit ( like today ), I just can't rely on him. He makes a huge mess. Is grumpy all day. Can't really be bothered to play / interact and is constantly wanting to put him down for a nap. He doesn't enjoy it in my opinion.

He leaves shit everywhere. It drives me insane. Laundry is piled up, he just chucks it on the basket. I've argued with him so much lately and he said ' you won't be happy until I do everything '. Is it really so much to ask for him to sort his clothes out and not to leave his shit everywhere ? I'm really at the end of my tether with it.

It's like the days he's actually here and ' helping ' are worse and I get so angry and worked up. It's better when he's not here and at work. He is not ' helping '- half of this life is HIS responsibility. His moods when he actually does give me a small break, don't even make it worth the break. He just ruins my day with his damn moods.

I know it's my fault. I shouldn't stand for it and I try not to. I've been fighting so much with him but he just calls me a nag. He doesn't get it. I'm really unhappy and tired and I just need a break.

[namechanged2002]

@Sunshinegirl82 yeah that's it basically. 50 percent of mortgage, bills and the nanny.

[MessAllOver]

You need to work out the maths. It sounds like you might actually be better off if (when?) you're no longer together. You may find that you have more spare money (and will probably find that you're a lot happier with the resentment gone!).

You sound lovely and hard-working. Don't tie yourself for life to someone who is lazy and spiteful.

[Sunshinegirl82]

Ok, so with child maintenance where does that leave you money wise? Sounds like it wouldn't make a huge difference to you to be honest?

Don't spend your life being miserable out of fear of admitting that this relationship just isn't working. You sound so capable, I reckon you could really fly without him dragging you down!

[namechanged2002]

@MessAllOver yeah I'm just lazy with finances. I make enough to cover what I spend by a long way. So I just never bother working it out properly. It's not good though, I realise that. And sometimes I do feel resentful or buying all clothes, toys, food etc. When he then says he pays a lot too- I've been shopping only online recently so I now can actually prove exactly what I'm spending.

[namechanged2002]

@Sunshinegirl82 thanks. I don't need him at all financially. I would spend less as I would not need to feed him too.

[TurquoiseDragon]

I suggest you start logging how much he's paying compared to you, it might open your eyes to how muchh he's taking the piss.

You're clearly paying more, doing the bulk of chores and care for baby.

He's got it really cushhy. And because it's cushy, he''ll resent any attempt at re-balancing the situation.

This iis going to end in divorce at some point, given your rant here, it's simmply a matter of time.

So, I'd LTB while baby is young enough not to remember this life.

[Chloemol]

Draw up a list of jobs, sit down and divide it up

So then he knows what’s expected, when it’s his turn to cook, that he has to do his own Laundry and you do yours and the babies, that he does xyz and you do abc

Do the same with the finances

[updownroundandround]

@namechanged2002

I am curious about what it was that initially drew you in and made you love him ?

Was it his generous nature ?
His thoughtfulness ?
His ability to make you laugh ?
His calm and capable demeanor ?
His/ yours shared values ?

I'm desperately trying to see why you'd ever want to stay with him.

Because he's a great father ?
Because he's a great partner ?
Because he's a good provider ?
Because................why ????

Please tell me why you are with him ?

I'm asking as everyone has pointed out the obvious e.g He's not willing to be a 'grown up' and wants you to 'learn your place' by subjecting you to insult after insult on a daily basis. (He doesn't even contribute to the cost of things needed for his own baby FFS)

But yet you dither and try to deflect and basically avoid the truth of your situation. Are you hoping someone will 'support' your idea that an 'intact' family is worth the cost to your own life ? i.e a ''Just hang in there and it will all magically improve in time''??

[MammaSchwifty]

so your paying to have all this extra mess, extra hassle, and to be told you're a problem? Nah, sis. He's taking you for a chump and will chip away at you more and more until you really come to believe you have to stay with him. Do yourself a favour.

[MessAllOver]

Do you own your house? How much equity? Remember a smaller place is likely to be cheaper so that's another expense that will be less.

[RandomMess]

Urgh it's a near cocklodger tbh as he doesn't even pay 50%!

You subsidise him in every single way. Tell him your Delivero account isn't working and buy only food you like so he can either like it or lump it!

[Haffiana]

So basically you are having to be his mummy, running around cooking for him, picking up his stuff and making lists for him, right?

The thought of being married to a toddler, having sex with a toddler - well, it would make my bits seal shut. Clamp shut in fact.

I would 100% leave. This is not a relationship that is improving your life. You will never respect him again.

[DemandTheBest]

What is his excuse for not contributing to the things his child needs?

[hannayeah]

Re: a rubbish housewife.

I’d respond that when he makes enough money for me to stay home and be kept in the manner I wish, I’ll happily manage the household staff and gardener, arrange all holidays and see to it life is smooth. Provided I get to have my hair and nails done weekly and one major holiday with friends each year. Until then, we are both responsible for the duties of running this house.

He needs to get out of the “you vs. me” mindset and realize that all of this is your responsibility as a couple, including your happiness. And if it doesn’t work, it’s a joint problem.

I’d ask him if he wants to be married or just wants a cook, housekeeper, laundress and nanny.

[DemandTheBest]

Forget respecting him, it’s difficult to respect yourself after living this way. The resentments will eat you up, put a stop to it, now.

[Feedingthebirds1]

Honestly, you guys have no idea how I am always made to feel like I am the problem. He says his biggest problem in life is me and how I am. This then makes me wonder if it really is me. I'm a sucker of being made to feel like things are my fault.

He also blames me for absolutely everything ( he says that's all in my head too ).

He's gaslighting you. Google it. And the fact that you're questioning yourself means it's working.

This is NOT all in your head. You're married to someone whose dictionary defines wife as slave and cash point, who just shuts up and gets on with it in the service of their master and feels honoured that she's allowed to take that role in his bigness's life.

Get rid. Be you, not his slave.

[namechanged2002]

@updownroundandround I'm not deflecting. I'm letting it all sink in really and thinking about how my life would be if I left and whether I'll ever have the guts to do it.

I guess the things that attracted me to him were very similar background/ shared values and we just had a good time together.

We are a very good couple on paper if that makes sense ? It fits very well from the outside, if that makes sense.

[DemandTheBest]

He already has a cook, housekeeper, laundress, and nanny, he clearly prefers it that way! And why would he change when it makes his life more difficult when he’s getting such an easy ride. It's a lazy stingy oppressive dumb slob's dream.

[Velvian]

It's a LTB from me too. What is in this for you?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

[quote Disressingtimes]Send him this

www.yourtango.com/2016285266/my-wife-divorced-me-because-left-dishes-by-sink[/quote]
Oh good, glad someone got to this already - exactly what I wanted to post!

@namechanged2002 - like so many men, honestly, he's reverted to thinking of you as HIS mother as well as the baby's mother. You are now expected to do everything for him that his mother would have done. I guess he thought that, since your parents' set up was like that too, you'd just fall into line and become the good little housewife/mother as well as working FT.

Surprise! It's not like that.

He's not going to change willingly though - and in all honesty it sounds like you're pretty much done with him and the situation, so even if he did start to improve slightly, would it really make that much difference? To say nothing of the emotional abuse - making it all about you and it being supposedly "your fault" (Hint: it's not).

My MIL tried to get me to "fall in line" by telling me a story about her husband (DH's father, long dead now) - she was "nagging" him to do something (i.e. asking again because he hadn't done it yet) and he yelled at her to stop nagging and threw his bowl of spaghetti up in the air. She had to clean it up, including off the ceiling, and she "never nagged him again". Honestly, FUCK that SHIT! I'd have told him he'd be cooking his own meals from now on if he didn't clear up his mess himself - how dare he behave like that! But that was MIL's upbringing/mentality showing through, and clearly she thought I needed a lesson on how to be a housewifely doormat too. Wrong!

DH cooks 3x a week, I cook 4x. We take it in turns to do washing up, I do all laundry (because he'd fuck it up) and most of the cleaning. But I won't put his clothes away or iron them - that's for him to do. I also won't pick up his laundry off the floor - it only gets washed if it's in the basket. We have 2 boys - I'll be fucked if I carry on this male entitlement bollocks to another generation!

Tell him you're done with it all. You're not his mother, you're not his house slave, and you'll be fucked if you're going to kowtow to his bloody idleness any longer. If he won't pull his weight PROPERLY, then fuck him off entirely - you'd have an easier life!

[DemandTheBest]

If you derive enough enjoyment from the optics of it rather than how it feels and the unfairness of your situation, then I guess that’s as valid reason to continue maintaining his life as any other. You wouldn’t be the first, if not the happiest.

[namechanged2002]

@Feedingthebirds1 I know gaslighting but it's interestingly difficult to recognise it when it's being done to you. A part of me still thinks that I am a nag and that he is trying and I'm just negative and horrible in my depressive state.

[gamerchick]

[quote namechanged2002]@Sunshinegirl82 thanks. I don't need him at all financially. I would spend less as I would not need to feed him too. [/quote]
So get rid of him. You'll be happier, your child will be happier not living in such an atmosphere. There won't be as much work to do and he'll pay maintenance and have contact (maybe they usually can't be arsed). And he can go back to his mother's to be looked after or learn a lesson on how to adult for himself.

You're re not happy, he's not happy. Just end it so you can be.

[Bionicname]

I don’t think there’s much hope to be honest as he (and to a certain extend you too) have internalised centuries of expectations about what is a “man’s job/responsibility” vs a “woman’s job/responsibility”. Problem is - you’re now in a situation that is even less fair than the classic “breadwinner/housewife”- style division of labour à la 1950s: He does maybe 40% of the bread winning and 20% of the housework, whereas you do about 60% of the bread winning and 80% of the housework. Massively unfair. On top of that he feels aggrieved because he fundamentally thinks housework is 0% his and 100% your (wifely) responsibility, so he “helps” while you “nag”.

I think it’s probably beyond rescuing and you’d be better off on your own. However you could try one experiment (he might not agree): Write down, together and in a single long list, ALL the activities that contribute to the communal household. So including earning money, doing bills, childcare, cooking x meals per week, planning... really absolutely everything you can both think of. Then one of you gets to sort these into 2 piles A and B in a way they think is fair. And then the other person gets to pick if they want pile A or pile B.

[lockdownalli]

Christ he sounds awful and you sound defeated.

I bet you won't be depressed once you rid yourself of this bloke. Seriously, get some legal advice and get rid.