I need to rant about my DH- he pisses me off so much !

[namechanged2002]

He's so fucking useless I can't stand it. Or is it me ? Do I expect too much ?

I have a one year old and went back to work when he was 7 months old. I had a nanny for a bit but it didn't work out. DH works out of the home in more physical job.

I do the laundry ( it's mostly his shit)
I cook
I clean
I look after the baby

He's so useless. He just can't be bothered. Leaves his shit everywhere and then complains he can't find stuff when he's trying to get dressed. His wardrobe is a horror show. I'm not surprised he can't find stuff. He complains if I haven't cooked dinner that he ' has to fend for himself '. That dinner is always a ' massive deal ' and it's not in my psychy ( sorry don't know how to spell ) to have dinner / cook every day. I cook most days by the way, as I need to for my child. He complains I always make the same thing and actually said I am a rubbish housewife the other day. I said hell yes I am and I didn't sign up to be a housewife and carry everything on my shoulders, as well as working full time.

Even on days where he looks after the child a bit ( like today ), I just can't rely on him. He makes a huge mess. Is grumpy all day. Can't really be bothered to play / interact and is constantly wanting to put him down for a nap. He doesn't enjoy it in my opinion.

He leaves shit everywhere. It drives me insane. Laundry is piled up, he just chucks it on the basket. I've argued with him so much lately and he said ' you won't be happy until I do everything '. Is it really so much to ask for him to sort his clothes out and not to leave his shit everywhere ? I'm really at the end of my tether with it.

It's like the days he's actually here and ' helping ' are worse and I get so angry and worked up. It's better when he's not here and at work. He is not ' helping '- half of this life is HIS responsibility. His moods when he actually does give me a small break, don't even make it worth the break. He just ruins my day with his damn moods.

I know it's my fault. I shouldn't stand for it and I try not to. I've been fighting so much with him but he just calls me a nag. He doesn't get it. I'm really unhappy and tired and I just need a break.

[TheyIsMyFamily]

Sounds like you'd be better off without him, frankly. He's supposed to be sharing the load, not doubling it.

[namechanged2002]

@Vallmo47 that's a good idea.

[TheGoodEnoughWife]

Either separate or just stop doing things for him as suggested above.

Don't do his washing, don't cook for him, don't tidy up after him unless it affects the baby.

When he asks why look him in the face and ask him why should you do those things for him? Say you work full time too. Why is it your job to sort things for him? Call him out on it - directly.

Then ltb as he is unlikely to change!

[nopulp]

God just get rid of the fucker. He's a misogynistic, lazy prick. He's not worth anything.

[Sunshinegirl82]

I think it's unlikely he will change significantly to be honest. It sounds as though his main priority in life is him, not you and your DC. I suspect that selfishness is a fundamental part of his personality and he doesn't want to change.

So I think you either find ways to manage it (separate laundry baskets, get nanny to give baby a cooked lunch then do a sandwich tea/beans on toast/jacket potato and salad in the evening, get a cleaner etc) or you call it a day. I really can't see that you'd be anything but better off without him. What's the situation financially?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, best of luck.

[nopulp]

@Vallmo47

Sorry you’re having a horrendous time OP.

Could I suggest putting a schedule up with separate lists? That way he would see all the things you’ve done and that you’re not being unfair.

That's just more wife work. More of the mental load for the op. She doesn't need to do this. He knows, he just doesn't give a fuck. He actually thinks it's her responsibility because she's female.

[namechanged2002]

@Sunshinegirl82 I have my own, very well paying career. We make the same ( I sometimes make more ).

[ssd]

Why should the op need to write a schedule? The guy is an arsehole and abusive at that. Hes making the op do everything and still managing to bring her down.
@namechanged2002, you should leave him. Unless you want a miserable existence, leave.

[Sunshinegirl82]

So not even really a financial benefit to having him around then?

Can you list three things that benefit you from being in the relationship? Or three positive things about him? Is there anything?

[Sahm101]

I don't think you should go through the shit of making chore lists and separating laundry etc. Why should you make more work for yourself. I would be so put off and really disgusted with someone useless like this. He won't ever change. It's wired in him to be so lazy. The way he speaks to you is horrible. I would leave him really. he has zero respect for you.

[namechanged2002]

@Sunshinegirl82

Financially I don't need him, but we are stronger together financially of course.

Benefits of staying

1 intact family

2 not having to be divorced and start over etc

3 not sure

[BronwenFrideswide]

You are not the problem, OP, he is.

This is not an equal partnership, he doesn't respect or consider you at all his actions and attitude show that. He doesn't love you either, if he did he wouldn't treat you the way he is treating you or behave the way he does, he sees you as little more than a domestic appliance there to service his needs and wants.

Can you live with someone who thinks so little of you for the rest of your life? What role model is he providing for your child?

He won't change, he doesn't want to, he doesn't think enough of you to try.

You have a choice, put up and shut up or move on to a better life.

[namechanged2002]

@Sahm101 it's tough as I'm always the problem apparently ! It's my fault I guess that I refuse to step in line and just keep my head down and do all of his shit. That's how he sees it. ' you won't be happy unless I do everything '. He already thinks he's 'help if' me a lot. How is changing your child's nappy or putting them to bed, ' helping ' your wife ? It's just what you do.

[Disressingtimes]

Send him this

www.yourtango.com/2016285266/my-wife-divorced-me-because-left-dishes-by-sink

[Nanny0gg]

@namechanged2002

Honestly, you guys have no idea how I am always made to feel like I am the problem. He says his biggest problem in life is me and how I am. This then makes me wonder if it really is me. I'm a sucker of being made to feel like things are my fault.

He's a major part of any problems.

So - get rid of him and then there's one less to worry about.

[OhCaptain]

[quote namechanged2002]@Sunshinegirl82

Financially I don't need him, but we are stronger together financially of course.

Benefits of staying

1 intact family

2 not having to be divorced and start over etc

3 not sure

[/quote]

1. You don’t have an intact family. Being in the same building isn’t being intact.
   

Do you want your son to grow up thinking your relationship is the right way?

Even if he miraculously started doing chores off the list - you’d still be with someone who has to have jobs delegated to him by you in his own house. So the responsibility is still yours, and he “helps”.

Is that what you want?

He says you’re his biggest problem in life. So say he starts cooking, or does a load of laundry, you’ll be with a man who has told you very clearly that you’re a problem for him.

Is that the relationship you want to be in?

[PurpleBiro21]

The problem is OP he should want to do his share and he doesn’t.

I don’t do everything in my house because 1. DH does his duty anyway, 2. He loves and respects me too much to see me skivving after everyone. 3. I feel the same and don’t expect him to do everything. See the difference?

It really isn’t your fault at all

[Nanny0gg]

[quote namechanged2002]@Sunshinegirl82

Financially I don't need him, but we are stronger together financially of course.

Benefits of staying

1 intact family

2 not having to be divorced and start over etc

3 not sure

[/quote]
Sorry. Those really aren't reasons.

And as he doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with you or his child, I'm not entirely sure your family is 'intact'.

Divorce isn't that big an issue these days and being on your own must be better than him dragging you down.

Imagine living in an ordered, clean home for a start!

[TimeForTeaAndG]

1 intact family
Better a child grows up with a happy mother than in a stressed hostile environment.

2 not having to be divorced and start over etc
Divorce is not failure and by remaining married you are 100% preventing yourself from finding a good partner if you decide that's what you want.

3 not sure
Well, that just says it all really.

Don't make lists. He knows you are doing it all. If you are his biggest problem then he is welcome to fuck off, you are not keeping him prisoner.

He would need to do it all though so it benefits him to stay and make you feel shit for not doing it. Get him to fuck.

[RaidersoftheLostAardvark]

He sounds pretty unpleasant. Do you still like him as a person? If not- the marriage is on pretty rocky ground. Stop doing his laundry & send him a rota for dinner prep. Make sure your finances are as separate as they can be, it'll make a divorce easier!

[user1936784158962]

This is the family model you want for your child? This is what you want them to grow up and emulate? Really?

[Sunshinegirl82]

Personally it seems as though you are paying quite a high price for those (fairly meagre) benefits.

Forgive the assumption but as you have a young baby I assume you are fairly young? You are successful in your own right, you are not financially dependent on him. Sounds to me as though you could have a pretty brilliant life on your own and build a much better life with someone else if you chose to.

I think the sunk costs fallacy is massively at play here, don't keep throwing good money after bad as they say.

[timeisnotaline]

@namechanged2002

Honestly, you guys have no idea how I am always made to feel like I am the problem. He says his biggest problem in life is me and how I am. This then makes me wonder if it really is me. I'm a sucker of being made to feel like things are my fault.

I’m so sorry he’s ground you down like this! Write a poster for the fridge. I’m supposed to be your partner. I’m not the housemaid, what do you do around here again? Your biggest problem in life is that you are a selfish useless excuse for a man, who thinks women are beneath you and you’re too special to do laundry or cook or be a dad. News alert: you’re not fucking special. You’re a twat.
I don’t see much potential for improvement with this guy.

[Slothmomma]

Hes gaslighting you into thinking you're the problem so you'll accept his stepford wife wants. Fuck that shit. You have a lot of life left ahead of you - you can do better than this surely

[MackenCheese]

@FionaMacCool

Oh spare me.
There is always one, who is so clever with the "why did you have one-two-three babies with him so?".

For flips sake- when I had my babies, I went from carefree and happily married, with little responsibilities- to the full-on care for another human life.
So, my life, attitude, time management, standards all changed.

If men dont change- that's on them, not their partner who has stepped up.
And, it's not her job to teach/train/persuade/cajole/ find-the-right-words for him either.

No-one had to teach me to put clean the floor- baby would have eaten everything down there if I didn't.

OP is rightly annoyed that the father of her children is not showing that level of care and commitment to his child.

This is another example of the type of man who views a partnership or marriage as moving from one set of minding (his mother's) to another (his wife). And if the wife neglects his needs in favour of a newborn, he expresses his displeasure by making sure there's more housework for her.

This with bells on!