I need to rant about my DH- he pisses me off so much !

[namechanged2002]

He's so fucking useless I can't stand it. Or is it me ? Do I expect too much ?

I have a one year old and went back to work when he was 7 months old. I had a nanny for a bit but it didn't work out. DH works out of the home in more physical job.

I do the laundry ( it's mostly his shit)
I cook
I clean
I look after the baby

He's so useless. He just can't be bothered. Leaves his shit everywhere and then complains he can't find stuff when he's trying to get dressed. His wardrobe is a horror show. I'm not surprised he can't find stuff. He complains if I haven't cooked dinner that he ' has to fend for himself '. That dinner is always a ' massive deal ' and it's not in my psychy ( sorry don't know how to spell ) to have dinner / cook every day. I cook most days by the way, as I need to for my child. He complains I always make the same thing and actually said I am a rubbish housewife the other day. I said hell yes I am and I didn't sign up to be a housewife and carry everything on my shoulders, as well as working full time.

Even on days where he looks after the child a bit ( like today ), I just can't rely on him. He makes a huge mess. Is grumpy all day. Can't really be bothered to play / interact and is constantly wanting to put him down for a nap. He doesn't enjoy it in my opinion.

He leaves shit everywhere. It drives me insane. Laundry is piled up, he just chucks it on the basket. I've argued with him so much lately and he said ' you won't be happy until I do everything '. Is it really so much to ask for him to sort his clothes out and not to leave his shit everywhere ? I'm really at the end of my tether with it.

It's like the days he's actually here and ' helping ' are worse and I get so angry and worked up. It's better when he's not here and at work. He is not ' helping '- half of this life is HIS responsibility. His moods when he actually does give me a small break, don't even make it worth the break. He just ruins my day with his damn moods.

I know it's my fault. I shouldn't stand for it and I try not to. I've been fighting so much with him but he just calls me a nag. He doesn't get it. I'm really unhappy and tired and I just need a break.

[ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat]

Sit him down and tell him what you expect

[namechanged2002]

@timeisnotaline literally have been so unhappy this year. I've started on anti -depressants a few times but given up. He doesn't want me to take them, thinks I'll be a zombie. I know having a baby is a strain on any marriage, but I'm really resentful. Every time I have to pick up after him or I have to clean the bathroom yet again ( he's NEVER cleaned it ). Or when I see him rummmage around in the clean laundry pile whilst complaining under his breath that he can't find his stuff. I want to scream. He also blames me for absolutely everything ( he says that's all in my head too ). I just heard him screaming to himself in the kitchen ( he always complains how disorganised it is, but won't organise it ). He was complaining about not being able to open the cupboard just now because it has a child lock on it. He keeps moaning I should have just bought a normal child lock ( I got a magnetic one ).. I'm supposed to be having a bit of a break today ( well, I'm doing laundry ), but at least I'm by myself for a bit. And then I hear him shouting in there, about something I arranged and bought- it just doesn't make me feel nice and I definitely feel blamed for it. This happens all the time. But he says it's in my head and he's not blaming me.

[Quillark]

You need to get out of this before you end up like me, with a 6.5 year old and struggling to leave because he's whittled away at everything I've ever had and have been, including my financial independence. He won't change, well..he will.. but it'll get worse.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

He's a gaslighting, negging, manipulative, lazy, selfish, immature POS. Wake up, OP! You do not need this man in your life and you life will be 100% better without him! He sees you as a useful domestic appliance, how fucking dare he call you a 'rubbish housewife' and moan about fucking dinner when you've both been working FT.

Just bloody stop. Today. Don't do shit for him anymore.

He bitches, tell him, 'That's right. Time to be an adult and fend for yourself.'

And make plans to leave. Do not have another kid with this arsehole.

It's not you. It's him. He's a dick.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

[quote namechanged2002]@timeisnotaline literally have been so unhappy this year. I've started on anti -depressants a few times but given up. He doesn't want me to take them, thinks I'll be a zombie. I know having a baby is a strain on any marriage, but I'm really resentful. Every time I have to pick up after him or I have to clean the bathroom yet again ( he's NEVER cleaned it ). Or when I see him rummmage around in the clean laundry pile whilst complaining under his breath that he can't find his stuff. I want to scream. He also blames me for absolutely everything ( he says that's all in my head too ). I just heard him screaming to himself in the kitchen ( he always complains how disorganised it is, but won't organise it ). He was complaining about not being able to open the cupboard just now because it has a child lock on it. He keeps moaning I should have just bought a normal child lock ( I got a magnetic one ).. I'm supposed to be having a bit of a break today ( well, I'm doing laundry ), but at least I'm by myself for a bit. And then I hear him shouting in there, about something I arranged and bought- it just doesn't make me feel nice and I definitely feel blamed for it. This happens all the time. But he says it's in my head and he's not blaming me. [/quote]
Because he's a gaslighting, emotionally abusive prick who is trying to wear you down to be an abused spouse and take his shit. Make no mistake here, he's got a strategy to grind you down to be under his heel. It's bullshit, OP. Please, please, please leave this bastard. He'll NEVER change. An emotionally abusive family is not a good upbringing for your son.

[DinosaurDiana]

You have a choice, you either sit him down and discuss between you what needs doing and how you will share it, or you don’t put up with it and separate.
If he doesn’t do his share resentment will set in and it will be the end.

[StripeyDeckchair]

He had an attitude problem.
Hes not "helping you" run your home; hes sharing the joint responsibilities that you have and committed to sharing when you got married.
Hes not "babysitting" or "minding" his own child hes sharing the responsibility of bringing up the child you decided to have together.
If you both work FT then you share those responsibilities 50/50. If he can't see this i would sit him down and ask him to explain EXACTLY why he thinks you should do so much more than him. Especially if he WFH & you commute to work.
Require him to be very precise- the more he says the worse it will sound.

[Sunshinegirl82]

In the nicest possible way I don't think he's going to suddenly just accept that his behaviour is really unreasonable and unfair.

He knows that it's not reasonable for you to be responsible for everything but nevertheless that's what he wants. So he is annoyed but he tells you he's not so he can keep unsettling you and "training" you to do "better".

If you're waiting for him to have an epiphany then I think you might have a long wait.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@DinosaurDiana

You have a choice, you either sit him down and discuss between you what needs doing and how you will share it, or you don’t put up with it and separate.
If he doesn’t do his share resentment will set in and it will be the end.

Sit downs, chats, etc do not work with men like this. They see lifework as women's work and will never, ever change.

[DinosaurDiana]

But you have to give him a chance.

[ThreeTwoOneBlastOff]

He’s gaslighting you.

You don’t have to stay with him, your baby will grow up much happier with a happy mum.

[Chocolateforever]

I feel for you, I do. He’s a manbaby. Sit down with him and tell him what you have said here. Tell him exactly what is going to happen if he doesn’t buck his ideas up. Tell him you’re his wife not his maid. In the meantime I agree with others- stop doing his laundry and cooking for him. He can look after himself. If we weren’t in lockdown I would strongly suggest counselling.

[BronwenFrideswide]

Honestly, OP, what kind of life is this? Why do you want to stay in this horrendous situation? What are you gaining from it? From what you've posted you are gaining absolutely NOTHING just losing.

His attitude is summed up by saying that he's helping you, as I said he sees you as a domestic appliance and is frustrated that the appliance occasionally malfunctions and he has to provide some assistance for it. He doesn't see you as a person in your own right, doesn't see you as his equal, doesn't see you as worthy of respect.

No wonder you are unhappy and on anti depressants, you won't find happiness and contentment with him and anti depressants will just mask the worst of it. For your own sake and the sake of the child stop torturing yourself by staying with this arsehole.

[Dingdong99]

It's also not setting a good example to your LO

[AtSwimTwoBerts]

One can only presume OP's crystal ball was at the repair shop

She didn't need one. She knew he was lazy and useless before the baby....why anyone would imagine he would suddenly be different is not a daft question.

[BloggersBlog]

It is sweet that you still call him "D"H though, even though he leaves 'shit' everywhere. So you still obviously view him as "darling"

Think I would start first with a bit of toilet training

[namechanged2002]

@BloggersBlog haha I only used that term as that's what people call husbands on here. I can't really stand him at the moment.

[namechanged2002]

@AtSwimTwoBerts yeah I knew but to be honest so was I. And I made a massive point of not really cleaning up after him etc before we had the baby and I also made a point of not cooking every night. I didn't want him to come to expect that from me. We always said that once we have a baby we will need to be more organised. I've done that, he has not.

[AtSwimTwoBerts]

Oh spare me.There is always one, who is so clever with the "why did you have one-two-three babies with him so?".

Spare us all with the pretence that you couldn't possibly have known that a useless lazy lump of a man with no kids would be a useless lazy lump of a man with a baby. And PLEASE drop the act that you didn't know he'd be as bad with the 2nd and third....

[AnotherEmma]

He sounds emotionally abusive, so that's an even stronger LTB from me. Get some real life support as well, counselling if you can, and talk to GP and/or a supportive friend or family member.

Some reading might be helpful too
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles
And Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that?"

[FionaMacCool]

@DinosaurDiana

But you have to give him a chance.

Why does she have to give him a chance?

What chance is he giving to his partner, the mother of his child.
She buys stuff, he criticises.
she does housework he criticises.
She puts a child lock on a door; he criticises.
(Hopefully you get the picture).

If anything, he should be begging her for a chance to stay in the family they've started to build together.

I completely get that things are v difficult at the moment, with Covid, small baby etc.
The whole point of marriage is that it is a partnership to stand against the turbulence of life together, rather than providing a ready made puchnign bag when it gets tough.

[FionaMacCool]

@AtSwimTwoBerts

One can only presume OP's crystal ball was at the repair shop

She didn't need one. She knew he was lazy and useless before the baby....why anyone would imagine he would suddenly be different is not a daft question.

Really? where did she say that?

She said that they both weren't great..... she stepped up, he didn't.
Still not her fault- if anything, if he didn't want to change why did he agree to have a baby (that's the real question).

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@DinosaurDiana

But you have to give him a chance.

Nope. You never have to give an emotionally abusive, lazy, manchild a chance. EVER. He's an adult. The OP wasn't born knowing how to manage as a fully functioning adult just because she has ovaries.

Men like this do not change, enabling them with chances is wasting time.

[MsTSwift]

Wow so you are basically the maid and he gets pissed off when your duties are not done to his standard 😮. That really wouldn’t work for me!

[PurpleBiro21]

@DinosaurDiana he already had a chance which he failed before the baby was even born.

OP - it may help to adjust your thinking. He moans at the safety catches you bought? The response is that if he wanted different ones HE could have bought and fixed them.

He hasn’t got any clean clothes? That’s not your fault or problem, HE didn’t sort his stuff.

Obviously that only works if you are planning for an escape. Indefinite Tit for tat household isn’t good for anyone.