I need to rant about my DH- he pisses me off so much !

[namechanged2002]

He's so fucking useless I can't stand it. Or is it me ? Do I expect too much ?

I have a one year old and went back to work when he was 7 months old. I had a nanny for a bit but it didn't work out. DH works out of the home in more physical job.

I do the laundry ( it's mostly his shit)
I cook
I clean
I look after the baby

He's so useless. He just can't be bothered. Leaves his shit everywhere and then complains he can't find stuff when he's trying to get dressed. His wardrobe is a horror show. I'm not surprised he can't find stuff. He complains if I haven't cooked dinner that he ' has to fend for himself '. That dinner is always a ' massive deal ' and it's not in my psychy ( sorry don't know how to spell ) to have dinner / cook every day. I cook most days by the way, as I need to for my child. He complains I always make the same thing and actually said I am a rubbish housewife the other day. I said hell yes I am and I didn't sign up to be a housewife and carry everything on my shoulders, as well as working full time.

Even on days where he looks after the child a bit ( like today ), I just can't rely on him. He makes a huge mess. Is grumpy all day. Can't really be bothered to play / interact and is constantly wanting to put him down for a nap. He doesn't enjoy it in my opinion.

He leaves shit everywhere. It drives me insane. Laundry is piled up, he just chucks it on the basket. I've argued with him so much lately and he said ' you won't be happy until I do everything '. Is it really so much to ask for him to sort his clothes out and not to leave his shit everywhere ? I'm really at the end of my tether with it.

It's like the days he's actually here and ' helping ' are worse and I get so angry and worked up. It's better when he's not here and at work. He is not ' helping '- half of this life is HIS responsibility. His moods when he actually does give me a small break, don't even make it worth the break. He just ruins my day with his damn moods.

I know it's my fault. I shouldn't stand for it and I try not to. I've been fighting so much with him but he just calls me a nag. He doesn't get it. I'm really unhappy and tired and I just need a break.

[Nanny0gg]

@DinosaurDiana

But you have to give him a chance.

Why?

He's supposed to be an adult.

[MammaSchwifty]

It would give him the shock of his life if you walked out and left him with the baby. Although I suppose his mummy would have to sort that for him! But might be worth pointing out that he'll have 50/50 custody.

I would never in a million years leave an innocent, vulnerable baby with someone like that and walk away.

[Nanny0gg]

@katy1213

It would give him the shock of his life if you walked out and left him with the baby. Although I suppose his mummy would have to sort that for him! But might be worth pointing out that he'll have 50/50 custody.

Why will he?

He doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with his child so why will he seek 50/50? He sounds unlikely to want EOW unless his mummy does all the care

And if the OP gets a half-decent solicitor it shouldn't be a problem.

[BarbiesWorld]

This is exactly what I've been doing and I've turned into such a sad resentful woman that I don't recognise. We had the separation talk this week and I'm already feeling a bit lighter. No idea what the future holds but honestly, I wish I'd done it 4 years ago. Good luck OP

[namechanged2002]

@LannieDuck

I think this one's worth a conversation. It sounds as if he thinks he does his fair share.

If he's used to doing 0% (for the sake of argument), doing 20% since the baby arrived will feel as if he's doing loads. And because it's not work he's used to doing, it may feel as if he's doing some of your share.

It would be worth a clear conversation about what 50% actually looks like. It might involve you both sitting down and writing a list and dividing it up, then expecting him to follow through with it.

At which point he'll either acknowledge that he hasn't been pulling his weight and step up... or admit he sees it all as women's work and you'll know what type of man he really is.

He does think he does his fair share ! And I won't stop nagging him. He literally said the other day ' you won't stop until I do everything '. Ok fine he said, I'll do everything. He doesn't of course. But he definitely feels like he does a hell of a lot. He does things like - bring food sometimes, cook sometimes ( once a month max ) and sometimes helps with the bed time routine. He has also occasionally started making the bed in the morning. But the bulk of it, cleaning the house, sorting laundry, making sure we have food and cooking, plus looking after the baby is my responsibility. He takes care of bills ( but we pay equally ) he just stays on top of the bills.

[MorrisZapp]

Did you do his laundry before becoming parents? It's a really weird thing to expect another adult to do. I couldn't fancy any man whose personal care is my responsibility, illness or special needs notwithstanding.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

This is a non-starter here, OP, and you need to accept this. He will NEVER change. He was like this when you met him and now he's become worse. This is who he is. No discussion, conversation, chat, ultimatums, etc will change him a bit. Not at all.

He's a gaslighting, emotionally abusive person who is gradually grinding you down hence, why you're doubting yourself.

He'll tell his next sucker woman that you were psycho, a nag, etc etc.

Well guess what? He's an emotionally abusive, lazy, sexist cunt.

[namechanged2002]

@MorrisZapp I did his laundry. Again, the bare minimum. Chuck it in the washing machine and then the dryer and then leave it in the basket- unfolded. Still annoying. Wish I hadn't, especially as he manages to make three times more laundry than the baby and I !

[Bilgepumper]

@CallistoSol

Why did you have a baby with him in the first place?

[Beechview]

Sit down with him and write a list of all the jobs that need doing, how many of them you currently do, how many he does and ask him if he thinks this is actually fair?
Tell him you married an adult man, not became a mother to one. If he needs mothering, he can go elsewhere.

[TimeForTeaAndG]

Ugh, the ripping the bread open, the trail of destruction, its all bullshit. He knows fine well how to make himself some toast without all that. He chooses to make such a mess so the next time you will think back, remember the mess, decide its just easier if you do it and he continues being the lazy arsehole that he is. It's strategic incompetence, Google it.

He works. There is no way he destroys things as he goes or shouts at printers/equipment like he does in the house. It's all to get you into "your place" of not wanting to annoy him.

[HoldontoOneMoreDay]

When I first joined MN and it was all fields round here, I used to be shocked by this kind of post and the way posters leapt straight into LTB.

A (good) few years later and countless - I mean fucking countless - threads on the same theme later... Lazy men are endemic and they are unfixable. Maybe one in a thousand pulls their socks up after the big heart to heart, just enough to make women feel that their DH can be fixed/saved/improved.

99.99% of them are lazy cunts who will suck every last bit of life out of you. Fast forward to ten years time and you'll be in exactly the same position, except with another kid, and you can't leave because you've moved into an area with good schools and a huge mortgage, or it's little Jenny's GCSE year or something because there is always something to stop you leaving.

Your DC is only 7 months. Young enough to not remember this life. Young enough for you to make a clean break. L.T.B.

[TurquoiseDragon]

@TimeForTeaAndG

1 intact family
Better a child grows up with a happy mother than in a stressed hostile environment.

2 not having to be divorced and start over etc
Divorce is not failure and by remaining married you are 100% preventing yourself from finding a good partner if you decide that's what you want.

3 not sure
Well, that just says it all really.

Don't make lists. He knows you are doing it all. If you are his biggest problem then he is welcome to fuck off, you are not keeping him prisoner.

He would need to do it all though so it benefits him to stay and make you feel shit for not doing it. Get him to fuck.

OP, I spent 30 years with an abusive arsehole. One of his "things" was that he was a housework avoider t an astonishing degree.

He'd constantly say I had more free time than him. When the reality was that extra time was already filled by supervising DC, housework, dinner, etc.

When I went back to FT, he'd dump all the housework on the DC on his days off (when I wasn't there, DCs told me after we split). Even told our eldest once that "housework comes before homework".

The only chorees he did were when he was "making a point", ie having a go at us. OP, this seems a bit like your H saying you are the problem.

OP, don't be me, LTB because it'll never get better. He knows what needs doing, he just can't be arsed because you will do it anyway, by his reasoning.

My ex was married and divorced before I met him. I'm friends with his ex, and she said he was the same with her.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

Seriously, OP - why bother?

He is never, ever going to change.

You will just feel more and more ground down.

Why not end it now and make a better life for yourself and your child.

Why not?

[RandomMess]

I would seriously stop doing anything for him. Cook and wash for yourself and make a big deal about how you have to fend for yourself and the baby!

[rorosemary]

Make a list together of everything that should be done plus the days on which to do it, let him split all the tasks in half and you choose wgich list you prefer. Then it's a fair share.

Tbh it sounds like your familylife might be happier without him but you can try the list thing first.

[MessAllOver]

Who pays for the nanny?

[namechanged2002]

We split the cost of everything really. Well expect the food which I pay for the majority of the time. And nappies and toys and clothes for my child.

[babybythesea]

You are my MIL. My FIL won’t do anything for himself. Not make a cup of tea, nothing. And certainly nothing for her. He announces he wants a cup of tea and she is expected to stop what she is doing and sort it.
Which she does. Different time, different culture.
But she is resentful. She said to me that she spent all the time when her children were small looking after them and the home as well as working, while he got to go off to do what he wanted.
He retired first, she still came home and cooked etc.
She thought her time would be when she retired, she told me she would travel by herself (he didn’t want to travel), she was looking forward to being her own person.

She retired, he became really ill a few months later so she felt she needed to stay and look after him as she didn’t want SIL to be stuck with him. He’s still going and her own health is failing and she resents him. She won’t now do the things she wanted.

[AnotherEmma]

So you pay for more stuff in addition to doing the vast majority of the childcare and housework.

Not a great arrangement you have is it?!

[Sunshinegirl82]

Have you worked out the sort of figure you'd be looking at in child maintenance? I'd start

[Sunshinegirl82]

Sorry, hit send! I would start working out the financials and getting yourself sorted.

[MessAllOver]

So if you leave and he has to pay CM, will that cover the cost of the nanny or how much extra would you have to pay? How much worse off will you be (subtracting his food costs etc.)?

Then you'll want to consider whether you'd be entitled to any help with childcare costs/other financial support as a single mum.

What assets do both of you have? If you're primary carer, you're likely to get a bigger share.

[Sunshinegirl82]

All food costs are yours, your child's costs are yours, presumably you pay for your own clothes/shoes/haircuts etc. So his actual contribution is 50% of the mortgage, bills and nanny?

[namechanged2002]

@AnotherEmma we are a bit disorganised about it all. But I know I pay more. He will say he tops up joint account etc. It doesn't add up though. But I've always always paid more. It's just dumb stuff like my card is on the Deliveroo account, so I always pay for take aways. I think I've been guilted into that, as obviously I somehow do feel responsible for providing food. But it's not on.