I need to rant about my DH- he pisses me off so much !

[namechanged2002]

He's so fucking useless I can't stand it. Or is it me ? Do I expect too much ?

I have a one year old and went back to work when he was 7 months old. I had a nanny for a bit but it didn't work out. DH works out of the home in more physical job.

I do the laundry ( it's mostly his shit)
I cook
I clean
I look after the baby

He's so useless. He just can't be bothered. Leaves his shit everywhere and then complains he can't find stuff when he's trying to get dressed. His wardrobe is a horror show. I'm not surprised he can't find stuff. He complains if I haven't cooked dinner that he ' has to fend for himself '. That dinner is always a ' massive deal ' and it's not in my psychy ( sorry don't know how to spell ) to have dinner / cook every day. I cook most days by the way, as I need to for my child. He complains I always make the same thing and actually said I am a rubbish housewife the other day. I said hell yes I am and I didn't sign up to be a housewife and carry everything on my shoulders, as well as working full time.

Even on days where he looks after the child a bit ( like today ), I just can't rely on him. He makes a huge mess. Is grumpy all day. Can't really be bothered to play / interact and is constantly wanting to put him down for a nap. He doesn't enjoy it in my opinion.

He leaves shit everywhere. It drives me insane. Laundry is piled up, he just chucks it on the basket. I've argued with him so much lately and he said ' you won't be happy until I do everything '. Is it really so much to ask for him to sort his clothes out and not to leave his shit everywhere ? I'm really at the end of my tether with it.

It's like the days he's actually here and ' helping ' are worse and I get so angry and worked up. It's better when he's not here and at work. He is not ' helping '- half of this life is HIS responsibility. His moods when he actually does give me a small break, don't even make it worth the break. He just ruins my day with his damn moods.

I know it's my fault. I shouldn't stand for it and I try not to. I've been fighting so much with him but he just calls me a nag. He doesn't get it. I'm really unhappy and tired and I just need a break.

It gets worse.

He is a great foodie, can cook, is picky yet is his solution is for you to become those things and you do the sort of meals he wants rather than him cook for his family as part of his share of the workload.

His passive aggressive nature is abuse but yes harder to recognise and call out.

Sounds shit, OP. I could have written this 2 years ago. Hope you have as good outcome as I did, I got to the point where I thought right, I am 48, I do everything, pay for everything, I feel like his mother, deal with 2 kids, work ft, and he still complains.

Got a solicitor, got a seperation agreement, got on a plane and left. I tell you, now everyday feels like Xmas, everyday that I don't have to wake up to him and his moaning.

I got out, we are all happier. He of course is still a miserable bastard, but I don't care and won't ever have to put up with that shit again.

Find the courage, if like me, you just wake up and see the light, you know there is a better life out there.

I met a new guy, he is amazing. There is so much more to life. Find the courage, call solicitor, start planning a life without the deadweight..

@Storingeggs

Have you tried just hiring a cleaner, getting those meal boxes and letting him learn to cook? Talk to him without the anger, explain why you are upset give that solution and ask him if he wants to try at it. If he says no- well you have your answer. Very often though people get into a negative spiral when under extreme stress and forget all the reasons they are together. If you take the stress and anger out of the equation you might get your relationship back.

Isn’t this basically the OP finding solutions for her DH and swallowing her feelings to make things easier for...him?

From what OP has written he is hardly receptive to solutions, so she should wear herself into the ground to make things easier for him?

Where’s his agency in wanting to turn this around?

I swear MN is becoming more and more apologetic of useless men as the weeks go by.

@RandomMess yeah I thought I had it quite good with my husband to be honest. He doesn't shout at me or hit me and he doesn't cheat ( I think ). He works quite hard and so do I etc. It wasn't really until I kind of looked at some of my friends relationships that it just kind of feels like they really love their wives and put them first. Like they really do appreciate them. Then I came on here and explained my situation and it was an eye opener really.

I'm just negative and horrible in my depressive state.

Trust me, he's the one causing the depression.

I've struggled with depression for years, I get better to an extent, and then I sort of stall. The Dr said to me 'you need to figure out what's holding you under, once you do, and you cut yourself free, you'll shoot to the surface like a cork'.

I know a lot of it is DP, but I just can't cut myself free, I keep hoping things will get better, that we'll be less stressed, healthier, less tired, and we'll be happy again. We were happy before - can't we be happy again? It's so hard. I do understand. But your little one is tiny, they won't even remember you all living together, and you and DC on your own will be in a much better, happier environment.

As for you being a crap housewife?! I'd have told him he's a crap house husband! If you're both working full time, neither of you is a house anything! How bloody dare he!!

When I was depressed and low and struggling guess what my DH stepped up and did more than ever, shock horror more than 50%

Even when he's been unwell he did what he could to spend time with the DC and do what needed to be done. None of that "man flu" attitude.

@namechanged2002

Honestly, you guys have no idea how I am always made to feel like I am the problem. He says his biggest problem in life is me and how I am. This then makes me wonder if it really is me. I'm a sucker of being made to feel like things are my fault.

You are absolutely 100 % not the problem OP but you guys seem to have completely different expectations though! I mean he expects you to be a "housewife" and you absolutely have no intention to. Which of course is absolutely fine but you kind of need to be in tune on this otherwise it's gonna be a constant struggle with different expectations.

What I mean is this: I said to my DH the other day that I probably would still be single if it was 40-50 years ago as I loathe cooking / cleaning and the generic housewife duties...but he knew that when we got married so he would not expect me to do all that. He actually does pretty much all the cooking / food shopping and I try my best to sort the cleaning in a timely manner (try... 🤣😅 )

@namechanged2002

I also would like to know how we can help ?

What do you need to help you to take action ?

That's what you need to do, to take action, to move forward instead of rehashing the same stuff.

You know that neither of you are happy with how things are.

So what steps are you ready to take to improve your life right now ?

I'd suggest that number 1 should be to get back to your GP and try to get your mental health back on track, regardless of what he thinks about it (in fact I wouldn't bother telling him at all).

[quote namechanged2002]@RandomMess yeah I thought I had it quite good with my husband to be honest. He doesn't shout at me or hit me and he doesn't cheat ( I think ). He works quite hard and so do I etc. It wasn't really until I kind of looked at some of my friends relationships that it just kind of feels like they really love their wives and put them first. Like they really do appreciate them. Then I came on here and explained my situation and it was an eye opener really. [/quote]
He's wearing you down. That's part of emotional abuse. Please look it up. A close friend of mine lived like this for years (he was also financially abusive, though, and she'd given up work to care for their disabled children). Once she got free of him, she's like a new woman, starting life in her 50s and loving it!

He sounds awful, life is too short

I have never met this man but I hate him

Oh @namechanged2002, I could actually cry for you, especially that you don’t see his treatment as abuse because it’s not physical.

Please consider trying AD’s again. It takes a while for them to work, and you may need to try a couple of different ones at first, but once they start working they can give you that headspace to start thinking clearly. He doesn’t want you to think clearly.

I’ve had 2 like this and left both because how can you love someone who has no respect for you as a person? One actually cleaned the house after I told him I was leaving (and took me into every room to show me he’d even done the skirting boards, shined the taps, blah, blah) it was pathetic.

I’m glad that your mum is aware of the situation. Could you and DS go and stay with her for a while and leave shithead to it?

[quote namechanged2002]@RandomMess yeah I thought I had it quite good with my husband to be honest. He doesn't shout at me or hit me and he doesn't cheat ( I think ). He works quite hard and so do I etc. It wasn't really until I kind of looked at some of my friends relationships that it just kind of feels like they really love their wives and put them first. Like they really do appreciate them. Then I came on here and explained my situation and it was an eye opener really. [/quote]
Oh love, having a husband who doesn’t hit you, shout at you or cheat is the absolute basic minimum! How has your bar been set so low??

You’re clearly intelligent with a job that pays you enough to employ cleaners & nannies but you think the best you can hope for is a husband that doesn’t hit you or cheat? Come on! You know that’s not anywhere near enough

He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want too or see why he should

You’re best off out of it

You’re enabling this behaviour. Stop ‘nagging’. Here’s a plan of action.

State you are splitting the laundry. He does his. You do yours plus you will kindly do the babies (because he does the bills). Leave ALL his laundry. Do not touch it or process it. If he dumps it on the floor, there it remains. He will run out of clothes and that is a natural consequence.

Allocate him all the cooking. Tell him you’re stopping cooking as he is more then capable. That can be part of his contribution to running the house. In return you will wash the pots and put away daily, along with putting the bins out and changing the bedding. Have clear cut responsibilities. Do not cook. Just leave it for him and do not pass comment. Aim to sort your baby out separately if food is problematic. Stand firm. He can’t make you cook and you’re not going to cook.

Employ a cleaner for a deep clean once a week once things calm down. Be immovable. He will probably try and make you crumble for a few weeks. Don’t engage in any compromises.

Stick a list on the fridge. One column on the list can be his jobs. The other column can be your jobs. That way he can see he’s not doing everything

@Porridgeoat my friend did/does a lot of what you suggest. Their home is like a war zone.

Just a few weeks ago he removed her and child’s wet clothes from the washing machine and left them on the floor to wash his.

Door bell goes while she’s cooking for her and boys - take out. Just for him. Their sons obviously share some with him then dinner she made us wasted.

I really wouldn’t go to those lengths, it won’t change him will prob make matters worse.

@Porridgeoat

You’re enabling this behaviour. Stop ‘nagging’. Here’s a plan of action.

State you are splitting the laundry. He does his. You do yours plus you will kindly do the babies (because he does the bills). Leave ALL his laundry. Do not touch it or process it. If he dumps it on the floor, there it remains. He will run out of clothes and that is a natural consequence.

Allocate him all the cooking. Tell him you’re stopping cooking as he is more then capable. That can be part of his contribution to running the house. In return you will wash the pots and put away daily, along with putting the bins out and changing the bedding. Have clear cut responsibilities. Do not cook. Just leave it for him and do not pass comment. Aim to sort your baby out separately if food is problematic. Stand firm. He can’t make you cook and you’re not going to cook.

Employ a cleaner for a deep clean once a week once things calm down. Be immovable. He will probably try and make you crumble for a few weeks. Don’t engage in any compromises.

Stick a list on the fridge. One column on the list can be his jobs. The other column can be your jobs. That way he can see he’s not doing everything

First, see a solicitor about applying to divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Warning: this will get worse before it gets better. My friend's ex put a lock on the fridge and freezer to close off 'his' food, on cupboards to close off 'his' stuff, even the garage. He installed internal locks on some doors in the house to close off 'his' part of it. He tried to sabotage her at every turn. He ramped up the emotional and financial abuse. He made up lies about her (he still does, but she no longer cares, it took her years to get to this point). She was in a much worse financial position than you, believe me, you have A LOT of power here.

Once she realised it for what it was, an abusive relationship, however, she stayed the course and got free. She no longer has to use anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs.

She got her life back. This can be you.

[quote PurpleBiro21]@Porridgeoat my friend did/does a lot of what you suggest. Their home is like a war zone.

Just a few weeks ago he removed her and child’s wet clothes from the washing machine and left them on the floor to wash his.

Door bell goes while she’s cooking for her and boys - take out. Just for him. Their sons obviously share some with him then dinner she made us wasted.

I really wouldn’t go to those lengths, it won’t change him will prob make matters worse.[/quote]
Yep! People like this get very petty. Fuck that. If my friend had been able to leave right away, she would have. As it was she ended up moving back in with her parents for a couple of years. Well worth it! She's free. She's got a job for the first time in decades and loving it. She's still having therapy and working on herself after years of his gaslighting and making her feel shit about herself. Nothing could be further from the truth, she's an amazing woman.

You are, too.

Your situation sounds very similar to how mine was (granted my ex didn’t make nasty comments, he just seemed to think he didn’t have to do anything), it’s a year on until I finally built the courage to separate and life is so much easier. It’s just me and my boy most of the time and I don’t have the constant trail of chaos ex left behind him. Both of us are happier, I am actually finding myself again and get time to myself every other weekend to unwind when my son goes to his dads (which has meant he had no option but to step up for when he has him!). I actually get on a lot better with the ex now as well! But I think if I had let it all continue as it was I would have lost myself completely. Just think about what you want for your future and if what you have now is the type of relationship you would want your child to grow up and learn from.

@WTFrigg

Your situation sounds very similar to how mine was (granted my ex didn’t make nasty comments, he just seemed to think he didn’t have to do anything), it’s a year on until I finally built the courage to separate and life is so much easier. It’s just me and my boy most of the time and I don’t have the constant trail of chaos ex left behind him. Both of us are happier, I am actually finding myself again and get time to myself every other weekend to unwind when my son goes to his dads (which has meant he had no option but to step up for when he has him!). I actually get on a lot better with the ex now as well! But I think if I had let it all continue as it was I would have lost myself completely. Just think about what you want for your future and if what you have now is the type of relationship you would want your child to grow up and learn from.

Well done, you! You got free! So proud of you!

[quote namechanged2002]@RandomMess yeah I thought I had it quite good with my husband to be honest. He doesn't shout at me or hit me and he doesn't cheat ( I think ). He works quite hard and so do I etc. It wasn't really until I kind of looked at some of my friends relationships that it just kind of feels like they really love their wives and put them first. Like they really do appreciate them. Then I came on here and explained my situation and it was an eye opener really. [/quote]
Sorry OP.

Your bar is set so low it's on the floor.

Now's the time to raise it

[quote namechanged2002]@RandomMess yeah I thought I had it quite good with my husband to be honest. He doesn't shout at me or hit me and he doesn't cheat ( I think ). He works quite hard and so do I etc. It wasn't really until I kind of looked at some of my friends relationships that it just kind of feels like they really love their wives and put them first. Like they really do appreciate them. Then I came on here and explained my situation and it was an eye opener really. [/quote]
So you are a child of an abusive relationship and now your child is too.

Is this REALLY what you want.

I think you are too bright for that.

Were your parents raised in abusive households?

If they were, then your precious child is 3rd generation abuse.

Is that REALLY what you want for your 7th month old?

You sound too bright to want your legacy to be another generation of abuse.

I discovered this board by accident, it was a total eye opener and I which I’d known about it when I was trying to leave my ex.
You deserve more.

There’s a saying I see on hare quite a bit, just because you have managed to get free of a level 10 abusive bastard (your father) doesn’t mean you are obligated to settle for a level 7 abusive bastard instead.

@billy1966 yeah my parents were raised in extremely abusive households. Bearings every day kind of thing. So our household was super mild compared to what they grew up in. And I guess my household is even milder. It's not physical abuse at all, but just this weird guilt tripping kind of passive aggressive behaviour.

If leaving him sounds like just too much to think about, why not start with sorting the finances?
You say you buy all the food - Does that really include everything else for the house? i.e. cleaning sprays, washing up liquid, dishwasher tabs/salt/rinse aid, loo rolls, laundry powder/pods, t-towels and dish cloths/scourers, kitchen utensils and mugs because they get broken or chipped, new sheets/towels because they get worn out, pens and pencils, batteries, garden tools, light bulbs, etc. etc. etc.
I suggest that your salary goes into your personal current account, his salary goes into his, and you have a joint account for the house and baby. Absolutely everything for the house and baby comes out of the joint account, as does bills and mortgage. For every pound you put into it, he puts the same in. You will have to "nag" him to top up the joint account when you do the same.
I think this will be quite an eye opener for you both.
Then if you do split up and he leaves, you are in a better position to manage the bills as they are already from an account to which you have access.