I need to rant about my DH- he pisses me off so much !

[namechanged2002]

He's so fucking useless I can't stand it. Or is it me ? Do I expect too much ?

I have a one year old and went back to work when he was 7 months old. I had a nanny for a bit but it didn't work out. DH works out of the home in more physical job.

I do the laundry ( it's mostly his shit)
I cook
I clean
I look after the baby

He's so useless. He just can't be bothered. Leaves his shit everywhere and then complains he can't find stuff when he's trying to get dressed. His wardrobe is a horror show. I'm not surprised he can't find stuff. He complains if I haven't cooked dinner that he ' has to fend for himself '. That dinner is always a ' massive deal ' and it's not in my psychy ( sorry don't know how to spell ) to have dinner / cook every day. I cook most days by the way, as I need to for my child. He complains I always make the same thing and actually said I am a rubbish housewife the other day. I said hell yes I am and I didn't sign up to be a housewife and carry everything on my shoulders, as well as working full time.

Even on days where he looks after the child a bit ( like today ), I just can't rely on him. He makes a huge mess. Is grumpy all day. Can't really be bothered to play / interact and is constantly wanting to put him down for a nap. He doesn't enjoy it in my opinion.

He leaves shit everywhere. It drives me insane. Laundry is piled up, he just chucks it on the basket. I've argued with him so much lately and he said ' you won't be happy until I do everything '. Is it really so much to ask for him to sort his clothes out and not to leave his shit everywhere ? I'm really at the end of my tether with it.

It's like the days he's actually here and ' helping ' are worse and I get so angry and worked up. It's better when he's not here and at work. He is not ' helping '- half of this life is HIS responsibility. His moods when he actually does give me a small break, don't even make it worth the break. He just ruins my day with his damn moods.

I know it's my fault. I shouldn't stand for it and I try not to. I've been fighting so much with him but he just calls me a nag. He doesn't get it. I'm really unhappy and tired and I just need a break.

[Marmozet3]

[quote namechanged2002]@timeisnotaline literally have been so unhappy this year. I've started on anti -depressants a few times but given up. He doesn't want me to take them, thinks I'll be a zombie. I know having a baby is a strain on any marriage, but I'm really resentful. Every time I have to pick up after him or I have to clean the bathroom yet again ( he's NEVER cleaned it ). Or when I see him rummmage around in the clean laundry pile whilst complaining under his breath that he can't find his stuff. I want to scream. He also blames me for absolutely everything ( he says that's all in my head too ). I just heard him screaming to himself in the kitchen ( he always complains how disorganised it is, but won't organise it ). He was complaining about not being able to open the cupboard just now because it has a child lock on it. He keeps moaning I should have just bought a normal child lock ( I got a magnetic one ).. I'm supposed to be having a bit of a break today ( well, I'm doing laundry ), but at least I'm by myself for a bit. And then I hear him shouting in there, about something I arranged and bought- it just doesn't make me feel nice and I definitely feel blamed for it. This happens all the time. But he says it's in my head and he's not blaming me. [/quote]

Wow, gaslighting much?

But honestly OP, what do you get out of this marriage?

[AtSwimTwoBerts]

Really? where did she say that

In one of her posts, obviously.

[NoSquirrels]

I know it's my fault.

It’s really, really not.

It’s his fault. He’s acting like a selfish, lazy twat.

Unfortunately men like this find fatherhood and their increased responsibilities and chores so unpleasant they just think they’ll ignore the fact that them not doing it means you’re run into the ground.

You’ve got a good job and a nanny. I’d tell him it’s counselling, a fair division of household chores and childcare or divorce. He can choose.

[LadyGAgain]

He's a massive man child. Bin him as at least you can't be annoyed at having to do everything you're already doing alone already.
I'd also stop making him any food or doing his laundry.

[MimiDaisy11]

It doesn't sound like he acknowledges he's doing anything wrong or that he wants to change. It's really impossible to make him see what he's doing wrong.

I wonder if his upbringing was his mother doing everything and his father having no responsibilities at home. Looking back to my own parents I wonder how my mum managed a full-time job as well as cooking, cleaning and being the main child carer.

Best of luck with going forward. It does sound like you would be better off especially if you will be ok financially.

[RabbityMcRabbit]

OP I had one like this. I was expected to do everything so he could swan around thinking we had the perfect family. Shit hit the fan when I was pregnant with #2 and was really ill. I was expected to still do everything. Sadly I lost baby #2 and the way he acted during that time killed the marriage and I left. I have never regretted it. Men like that do not change. 💐

[rawalpindithelabrador]

Giving him chances, choices, etc., where is your own power and agency in that? He's a grown up! He's choosing to act like this. It is not your fault, he wants to emotionally manipulate and abuse you until you are behaving how he wants, doing it all to his standard whilst working FT.

You're in an abusive relationship.

[Mix56]

You actually have 2 children. The moaning & complaining is because he expects Mummy ie. You, to come running & smooth out everything for him...
The food, laundry, child rearing is a "woman's" job
Sorry, IMO, you need to say you have a child & it would be easier by far without him, no tidying, no laundry, no incessant moaning & criticism. He either participates or he can fuck off.oh & Looking after his son is not "helping you"
Tosser

[arethereanyleftatall]

[quote namechanged2002]@Sunshinegirl82

Financially I don't need him, but we are stronger together financially of course.

Benefits of staying

1 intact family

2 not having to be divorced and start over etc

3 not sure

[/quote]
I can tell you with absolute certainty that you will divorce at some point. Absolute certainty. For he is an arsehole. You will become more and more resentful, may even have another child, whilst plodding on on the name of 'keeping the family together' whilst you become more and more miserable. Then you'll wake up one morning and think 'what the fuck have I been doing staying.' This is the EASIEST age to leave, your child will never know any different. It is much harder to leave when they're say 11.

[billybagpuss]

I think you need to decide if you want it to work and where you plan on being in 12 months time. For it to work he needs to acknowledge that you are not his mother and step up and be an adult.

Does he ever cook for you, what would happen if you said ‘your turn to cook tonight’

[FedNlanders]

I would not be putting up with my husband saying I am his biggest problem.

I have 3 children from a previous marriage, I am disabled and we have a child together. My husband works full time yet manages to look after children that are not biologically his and the baby.

I'm always stunned when people fall apart looking after 1 child between 2 adults.

[namechanged2002]

@billybagpuss he cooks sometimes. But it's always like he had to because you know- ' he's fending for himself '. He thinks it's weird that I don't just think about what I'm going to cook all day long.. on Sunday's or days off he comes up to me and tells me he's hungry sometimes hahahah

Likes it my problem ! I absolutely shame him for this though. Yeah you're hungry, get yourself something to eat? I'm not your mummy. He then makes himself some toast ( leaving in his path destruction ). Crumbs everywhere, just rips the bread open in the middle of the loaf, doesn't put the butter away etc etc. I can go on. He just doesn't see it as his responsibility. Mum is supposed to cook- end of. That's how the in laws are and so are my parents. My father barely gets up to get himself a knife and never even puts the plates away etc. He's served by my mother and my brother is also served by his wife. The in laws are actually a bit better and FIL does help. But it's very much, the men sit down whilst the women get food ready and serve them. It's absolute BS. My mum also used to do all my husbands laundry when she'd come round and spend hours tidying his cupboards until I made her stop. I don't want to set that expectation that we will do his laundry and tidy his cupboards as well. Now I do the bare minimum. I do the laundry and Chuck everything in a clean pile. I don't iron and I put things away maybe once a month. He comes and complains though about his jumpers shrinking or just being crumpled up.

[Yaty]

100% this. He is an adult with responsibilities and needs to act like it. Who wants to be making rotas for their partner, how degrading. OP I'm sorry you are dealing with this he sounds lazy, selfish and quite nasty. If it were me I'd be telling him sort your shit out or I'm leaving and then actually leave if he doesn't, you don't have to live in this unhappy relationship.

[imjackieweaver]

You need to have a serious chat with him.

He is killing your love.

What do you want him to do to make the marriage work?

Can it be saved or are you just staying because you think it's the right thing?

[BlueThistles]

Walk away 🌺

[KirstenBlest]

'Honestly, you guys have no idea how I am always made to feel like I am the problem. He says his biggest problem in life is me and how I am. This then makes me wonder if it really is me. I'm a sucker of being made to feel like things are my fault.

Only read the first page.

When you had a baby, you became Mum. Mum to your DH. 'Because you are now a mother he thinks it is now the 1950s.
I'd pack his bag and send him home to his Mummy.

[yearinyearout]

Does he have any redeeming features at all? It's not sounding like it. I echo what PPs have said, you need to get out of this now, it's far easier with a small child than when they are older/settled in schools/aware of what's going on. He won't change, and you will get more miserable and run down with each passing year.

[RandomMess]

Urgh do you like him at all?

My feelings would have gone stone cold!

I would be separating. Can imagine not having the resentment of being the only adult, only parent and not being continually criticised.

Who knows he may even care for his own child if you split as it will be either that or not see DC at all!

[FionaMacCool]

@AtSwimTwoBerts

Really? where did she say that

In one of her posts, obviously.

Yes, and if you read the rest of my response instead of picking what you want to read.

She said that they both weren't great..... she stepped up, he didn't.
Still not her fault- if anything, if he didn't want to change why did he agree to have a baby (that's the real question).

[FionaMacCool]

OP I think you may have to admit that the marriage you thought you were in is dead.
Of course, you can always build a new one, with the same person.
You can pass the ball to him, does he want to continue like this, in which case, there isn't much for you here. And you will continue the patterns of your families with your DC.
Or,
He can learn to see what his own assumptions about relationships are, and he can choose to change.

It's like addiction- the choice to change will be always his.

[MessAllOver]

He says his biggest problem in life is me and how I am.

I'd take him up on his "permission" and leave.

I think you need to ask yourself 2 questions:

1. Do you prefer your life at the moment when he is not there?
   
2. Do you realistically think there is any chance that he will change (for instance, if you both had counselling together)?
   
   If the answer to 1) is 'YES' and the answer to 2) is 'NO', I think you know what you have to do.
   
   Leaving is going to be difficult because you're busy and tired. However, if you want to move the discussion on from "Should I leave him?" to "How do I leave him?", there are plenty of people here who will be able to give good tips and advice.

[TatianaBis]

This has been my mum’s life for 50 years. She’s 83. All of the details. Every time she talks to him about it it goes in one ear and out the other. It will never change.

There is a minute possibility he might change if you give him an ultimatum: step up or it’s over.

But you’d have to be totally sincere or he won’t take it seriously (he may not anyway). Also he may change for a bit to save the relationship and then revert.

[LannieDuck]

I think this one's worth a conversation. It sounds as if he thinks he does his fair share.

If he's used to doing 0% (for the sake of argument), doing 20% since the baby arrived will feel as if he's doing loads. And because it's not work he's used to doing, it may feel as if he's doing some of your share.

It would be worth a clear conversation about what 50% actually looks like. It might involve you both sitting down and writing a list and dividing it up, then expecting him to follow through with it.

At which point he'll either acknowledge that he hasn't been pulling his weight and step up... or admit he sees it all as women's work and you'll know what type of man he really is.

[katy1213]

It would give him the shock of his life if you walked out and left him with the baby. Although I suppose his mummy would have to sort that for him! But might be worth pointing out that he'll have 50/50 custody.

[MammaSchwifty]

You: have grown, birthed and nurtured a human life, and gave changed yourself to accommodate this seismic shift in your life, you have organised and created the space for your new family, you can cook and make a home, you have built a successful career and have assured your financial security, you are in every sense a functioning, successful adult and mother

He: can't take care of anyone, not even himself, he is critical and selfish, he makes you feel bad, he gaslights you, he ruins the environment in his family's home, he creates mess and destruction, he is lazy and ill-disciplined. He has a good job, that's it. You have that too.

Don't worry about keeping an intact family, worry about keeping a healthy happy family. Your child is too young to ever know the difference.

Don't worry about starting again, having no man is better than having a man who destroys you. Imagine yourself in 20 years, what does that look like?