I dont want to share babies 1st time at zoo with mil, fil and her sons?

Sophie1029734 · 2021-02-28T02:59:59+00:00

Hi everyone. My mil wants to go to the zoo when lockdown lifts with her, the fil, her 2 sons, their 2 girlfriends, me, the baby and partner. No one one really likes the zoo, its more for the baby. I dont want to feel at competition, trying to talk to my child with MIL talking first. I dont want to have to move from the pram by 1inch and mil grabbing the handles. I have a bit of anxiety and I dont want to feel anxious haveing all these people focusing on me and the my child, like I'm in a spotlight. I want to just enjoy takeing her, not have to constantly pass her about and share it. Plus I'd rather go when my kids older, maybe 2 or 3 so she can truly enjoy the zoo. I want to it to be just us. Is this selfish. AIBU?

Laserbird16 · 28/02/2021 03:08

Hang on 8 adults and a baby under two are going to the zoo? Sounds a bit much.

A small baby won't care or remember do you wouldn't be unreasonable to suggest something the adults might like and cheaper, trip to a park? National trust?

But you've got to get to the why is this important. To get the family together or that weird thing of ticking off babies first trip to the zoo.

Plus it sounds like there is more to this than you don't fancy spending a day at the zoo with your partner's family. The whole pram grabbing and inability to say no - is your MIL difficult?

sweetpotatopie12 · 28/02/2021 03:12

It's just the zoo, I wouldn't be too precious about it, you will have plenty of firsts with your child

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 28/02/2021 03:13

I’m not criticising buy yes yabu. You need to address the underlying anxieties
Your baby has multiple people in her life inc your MIL, who’ll want to see baby. This is natural and positive
A group of people can go out with a baby present without it being a scrum or a jostle
You do need a learn to move an inch,for you,for your own sanity,because it’s ok to Ok so. Give yourself permission to allow others in
I wish you well, talk to your HV and GP Let someone know how profoundly impacted & affected you are by anxiety and catastrophising events

feistyoneyouare · 28/02/2021 03:16

Let someone know how profoundly impacted & affected you are by anxiety and catastrophising events

Bloody hell, don't you think that's a bit patronising?
And actually you were criticising.

WineInTheWillows · 28/02/2021 03:18

Don't make a thing of it, OP. Just say, 'Oh, that'd be lovely,' but don't make any concrete plans and come up with excuses as necessary. Right now it's obviously off the table due to COVID anyway, so it's not a big issue now. Then, when lockdown ends, you'll want to wait for a quiet day because everyone will be wanting to go due to lockdown finishing, so give it a couple of months to die down etc etc

Sapho47 · 28/02/2021 03:18

Look it from another view.

How weird would it be as a kid not being allowed to go to the zoo with grandma because she talks too much

Sapho47 · 28/02/2021 03:19

@WineInTheWillows

Don't make a thing of it, OP. Just say, 'Oh, that'd be lovely,' but don't make any concrete plans and come up with excuses as necessary. Right now it's obviously off the table due to COVID anyway, so it's not a big issue now. Then, when lockdown ends, you'll want to wait for a quiet day because everyone will be wanting to go due to lockdown finishing, so give it a couple of months to die down etc etc

How is this good advice?

"Hey just start a continuing string of lies!"

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 28/02/2021 03:22

I’m urging op to seek some some help. I’m not criticising her but That’s a catastrophic interpretation of a family day out

WineInTheWillows · 28/02/2021 03:25

How is this good advice?

"Hey just start a continuing string of lies!"

Sometimes, white lies are necessary to maintain good relationships with family. I don't think it's going to be much of an issue tbh- you're talking four separate families co-ordinating on a weekend zoo trip that, let's face it, the MIL is the only one that's likely enthusiastic about. I doubt OP will be the only one finding excuses. Zoo trips are expensive, you'll actually need a few months before they open and a few more before they're not just total madhouses.

I highly doubt everyone will be as thrilled by the plan as MIL envisages. No need to start drama over it unnecessarily- I think it's pretty sound advice tbh.

WineInTheWillows · 28/02/2021 03:31

@WineInTheWillows

How is this good advice?

"Hey just start a continuing string of lies!"

Sometimes, white lies are necessary to maintain good relationships with family. I don't think it's going to be much of an issue tbh- you're talking four separate families co-ordinating on a weekend zoo trip that, let's face it, the MIL is the only one that's likely enthusiastic about. I doubt OP will be the only one finding excuses. Zoo trips are expensive, you'll actually need a few months before they open and a few more before they're not just total madhouses.

I highly doubt everyone will be as thrilled by the plan as MIL envisages. No need to start drama over it unnecessarily- I think it's pretty sound advice tbh.

Further to this, OP will have lots of other things to spend weekends on post-lockdown, so it won't necessarily be lying. And I actually think once lockdown is over and she's been a few places with baby (heck, maybe even the zoo?) she'll likely not be as fussed about this one trip.

OP, just take her to the zoo first if it matters to you. I'm taking my toddler to the zoo when it opens (not for the first time, she went when she was one) and it'll be like the first time, because she'll have no memory of having been before, so you can really have your cake and eat it here. My one year old did enjoy the zoo, she'll enjoy it more at two (and probably more still at three) but there's no law that says you can only take them once.

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 28/02/2021 03:32

I do think you went a bit extreme with your reply. I'm not thinking the worst, I know there would be good memories made but not all first I want to share with the entire family. Itd be nice for it to be mummy, daddy and little one, to walk around freely without being held back, being able to hold and tell her about the animals without 6 others pitching in. Theres a 100 other things to do together that's more practical for that ammount of people too. Im come to the conclusion that I'm not being selfish for wanting my babies 1st day at the zoo to be with mummy daddy and daughter. With the ammount if firsts I've involved everyone in, I get to have something.

OP posts:

SunnySideUp2020 · 28/02/2021 03:34

I can see where you are coming from but i think you need to understand that your daughter has a family and people that will want to do activities with her too.
I have some similar thoughts sometimes but really try hard to "soften" them and relax a little. It's your baby but it will also be in her interest to socialise and have other people around... no?
There might be more to this than just the zoo issue though. But even if you aren't a fan of the in laws unfortunately they will be around and tbh it's kinda nice that they want to have a family day out with the baby (nobody in my family would bother 😅).

SmokedDuck · 28/02/2021 03:36

The baby won't care or remember the zoo at that age. Go, let her grandmother enjoy it. You can take her again when she is older.

Mintjulia · 28/02/2021 03:40

Op, I agree with you. Your little one, your rules.

I'd keep putting it off. The other adults will soon get bored with the idea and it will hopefully fizzle out.

You need to lay some ground rules now with your mil. Practise saying No thank you firmly and clearly. Invite her to your house or out for a coffee where you are happy for her to play with her dgc instead.

Worldwide2 · 28/02/2021 03:41

I would go first with you baby and your children and then do a separate visit with them.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 28/02/2021 03:43

Are you doing ok OP? Your family want to celebrate your child who they have presumably not been able to see much at all since the birth.

You sound a bit insecure about your position as mum and also a bit competitive over your child's time. Who talks to the child first, who pushes the pram.

I would suggest counselling if you're struggling to let go and trust others around your baby. Lockdown as been intense maybe this has changed your view.

Newcastleteacake · 28/02/2021 03:43

@WineInTheWillows

Don't make a thing of it, OP. Just say, 'Oh, that'd be lovely,' but don't make any concrete plans and come up with excuses as necessary. Right now it's obviously off the table due to COVID anyway, so it's not a big issue now. Then, when lockdown ends, you'll want to wait for a quiet day because everyone will be wanting to go due to lockdown finishing, so give it a couple of months to die down etc etc

Not everywhere is still locked down. OP's MIL might be making plans for next weekend. Not enough time for it to be forgotten about.

OP, the thing I've learned in life is to just be honest. Tell MIL that you would love to do that but want to go as a little family of mum, dad and baby first. Then make a big family picnic of it another time.

BlackCatShadow · 28/02/2021 03:45

I don't even remember my kids first trip to the zoo.

Is this a thing now?

But, if it bothers you, I'd just take her to the zoo by yourselves and then go again with MIL and the rest of the family.

WineInTheWillows · 28/02/2021 03:46

I don't know @MessagesKeepGettingClearer I do see wanting baby's first zoo trip to be just so. Lockdown mums have lost a lot of what they envisaged the first year of their child's Ife would be like, I think it's OK for OP to be any this one.

I agree with PP though, just take her on your own first and then bring the in laws on another visit.

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 28/02/2021 03:54

Dont assume since lockdown they havnt seen my child and its turned me in to obsessive monster.In fact they live at street next to us which is a 3 minute walk, they have seen her so many times at the dolr. And for a couple weeks they've been seeing her, wrong.. I know... but dont assume. I'm not competitive with my child's time, mil has in fact been competitive on previous outings which in turn has made me insecure going out with her. The only reason for me to go the zoo is to take my child, not for a family outing to walk around with lots of a adults pretending to be entertained by animals. Theres more entertaining, more practical places to go with everyone. If you did every single outing with most your partners side if the family, if you never wanted to just have a special day with your partner and kid then dont want their makeing out like I'm a horrible person for wanting that too. I know I asked for an opinion but I've quickly relised that I'm nit being selfish at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 28/02/2021 03:59

Thats a good idea, I'll take her and then go another time with everyone else and we can go have something to eat together. Maybe I am more protective about firsts because of lockdown, all I've done with my child is sit in a house or walk down the same path. Maybe it had a played a role

OP posts:

askmeagainin5 · 28/02/2021 04:04

@WineInTheWillows

Don't make a thing of it, OP. Just say, 'Oh, that'd be lovely,' but don't make any concrete plans and come up with excuses as necessary. Right now it's obviously off the table due to COVID anyway, so it's not a big issue now. Then, when lockdown ends, you'll want to wait for a quiet day because everyone will be wanting to go due to lockdown finishing, so give it a couple of months to die down etc etc

Completely agree with this. My ILs who I am actually very close with have invited me to do loads of stuff over the years I’m not too keen on. I just say ‘yeah maybe we’ll have to see nearer the time if I’m free’ and then don’t mention it again

Just go without telling them and then if she mentions it say you already recently went but would love to go again a second time with the whole family

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/02/2021 04:04

God I can't imagine getting to the point of being a grandma, having family round me, wanting some days out and being labelled as 'competitive' because I wanted to spend time with my GC. Some MILs can't do right for doing wrong! She's probably missed doing things like these and wants to mark the easing of lockdown with a lovely day out. Nothing sinister.

Sorry OP but you're being really precious. I always say this to PFB parents - do not burn your bridges with your husband's family. Your baby might seem like your world now but there'll come a time when you will need support, babysitting (especially in long school holidays when you'll be counting your lucky stars they're so close and available) or help in emergencies. Don't set the precedent now that you don't want them around and they're surplus to requirements for you. You'll regret it.

Besides, what does your H think? It's his family so he should get a say? Maybe just send him to the zoo and have a day to yourself?

PeggyHill · 28/02/2021 04:06

She's your baby. Take her to the zoo whenever you want. Arrange something at a later date with family.

You are in charge and can say yes and no to anything you like. It doesn't need to be complicated at all.

Babyboomtastic · 28/02/2021 04:13

YABU to go to the zoo on a big trip that blatantly breaks the rules.

YABU to be weirdly precious about a zoo trip.

YABU to assume that a zoo will only be of interest to children, and for forgetting that this trip would bring together a lot of your husband's family in a way that hasn't been possible because of Covid.