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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to share babies 1st time at zoo with mil, fil and her sons?

208 replies

Sophie1029734 · 28/02/2021 02:59

Hi everyone. My mil wants to go to the zoo when lockdown lifts with her, the fil, her 2 sons, their 2 girlfriends, me, the baby and partner. No one one really likes the zoo, its more for the baby.
I dont want to feel at competition, trying to talk to my child with MIL talking first. I dont want to have to move from the pram by 1inch and mil grabbing the handles. I have a bit of anxiety and I dont want to feel anxious haveing all these people focusing on me and the my child, like I'm in a spotlight. I want to just enjoy takeing her, not have to constantly pass her about and share it. Plus I'd rather go when my kids older, maybe 2 or 3 so she can truly enjoy the zoo. I want to it to be just us. Is this selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 28/02/2021 08:55

I hear lots of people who say they don't want to share firsts etc.

Personally I don't get it. A child won't remember at that age and at an older age surely it's great for a child to share their experiences with loved ones?

Also I'm the type who if someone wanted to take the pram, so the carrying and entertaining and childcare is Chuck ds at them so fast it looked like I was throwing a rugby ball 🤣

So you need to think what's really your issue here?

Is it you actually want babies first trip to zoo to be an event just you? (They won't remember this one!)

Or

Is it your personal anxiety around so many people? (In which case send OH and enjoy a day alone?!)

Racoonworld · 28/02/2021 08:56

I wouldn’t worry about it yet as it’s rule of 6 after lockdown so you won’t be allowed that many anyway

DavidsSchitt · 28/02/2021 08:56

"If you live in the UK, it's unlikely this ammount of people will be able to meet up for a very long time."

@nannybeach don't be daft. Summer isn't very far away

unmumsymummy21 · 28/02/2021 09:04

OP, I suspect you don't like your in laws and especially your MIL and you feel she takes over all the time. Just go on your own first and don't do anything you're uncomfortable with in general. You don't like to share your baby with a person or people you don't like. I get it. But they're not going anywhere, so try to make your peace with them and use them as a way to get a break.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 28/02/2021 09:05

Think of it this way. You’ve a great opportunity for you and DH to bond with your lo over lockdown and now it’s time to let her start getting to know her extended family.

Whether it’s swimming, the zoo, the beach whatever there will be lots of firsts. Some will be amazing, others she’ll eat the sand, drop her ice lolly, be teething so a bit tetchy. These days won’t be perfect but they can still be fun and precious time together.

Go to the zoo without them for the first time if that’s important you to you. Things don’t have to be plastered all over social media so you don’t need to worry about hurting their feelings. Do some of them work? Weekdays will be quieter than weekends so you could may be cut the size of the group that way.

Either way, she’s your dd. Enjoy her growing up. They’re not small for long!

Original poster
Sophie1029734 · 28/02/2021 09:05

Thank you for all your comments, I feel like many were overly presumptious and rude though. On this site I've never had such negativity, i will not be using this side of it again. I appreciate truthfulness and everyone's opinions, but many weren't opinions theh were just rude. Some of you are clearly haveing a bad day and your saying I need help when your projecting your feelings on to me.

Thank you for the nicer comments, even if i was being told I was unreasonable I appreciate your opinions and have took it in.
I wont be comeing back to this thread.

OP posts:
Besom · 28/02/2021 09:08

OP this is AIBU so you will get some reasoned answers and some downright nasty ones. I learned a long time ago not to post on this topic about anything serious. Better to post in another topic. Also people will not read the thread.

You've obviously been struggling snd mil does not sound particularly easy to deal with. I hope things get easier for you soon.

RedcurrantPuff · 28/02/2021 09:09

How old are the sons and girlfriends?

I would anticipate there’s a fair chance they won’t be remotely interested in hanging out at a zoo with a baby so that’s 4 you can probably knock off the list.

Your baby won’t know or care who goes. What I will say though it’s a gift to have caring and involved grandparents. See it as such and not as a burden.

midnightstar66 · 28/02/2021 09:10

All those saying it's her baby and she can make the decisions seem to be forgetting their baby also has a dad who may love the idea of a trip to the zoo with his baby and his family. If neither want to go then don't as baby won't care either way but it's not down to one parent.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/02/2021 09:12

I never understood the preciousness over firsts. Seems too OTT.

Imagine a grandparent wanting to go on an outing with their grandchild, how very dare they Hmm

unmumsymummy21 · 28/02/2021 09:12

@Sophie1029734 this has happened to me on here so many times. I find it really funny how vicious people are. Don't take it to heart. They would never speak to people like this in real life and are just keyboard cowards. I actually really enjoy a good bashing nowadays and feel sorry for people who feel the need to be so incredibly rude.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 28/02/2021 09:14

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I’m urging op to seek some some help. I’m not criticising her but That’s a catastrophic interpretation of a family day out
No it's not.

There are plenty of overbearing people out there.

@Sophie1029734

Just say 'we'll see when the time comes' and do your own thing.

Unless you're feeling brave enough to say 'No, We're not taking the baby to the zoo with 6 other adults, that's ridiculous. I'll take her when I think she's at a stage in her life to enjoy it'

How supportive of you is your partner ?

HeyDW96 · 28/02/2021 09:14

My MIL is absolutely lovely and we get along really well, BUT she sounds very similar to yours, in that she would take the baby out of my arms without asking at any opportunity. With my first child I found this very hard to deal with, it made me feel very uncomfortable, and very irritated. I remember one incident where I was breastfeeding (something I had lots of problems with and found quite difficult) and my DS scratched himself quite badly and started screaming. My MIL shot over and tried to take him out of my arms to console him, as though I, his own mother could not do it. On that occasion I stood firm and wouldn’t let go of him, but instead asked her to get me a tissue to wipe away the blood.

This is something that would annoy me, but OP has envisaged something that may not even happen yet. And I don't think a zoo trip is a first thing that anyone will recall..IMO. however if your MIL genuinely is a pram snatching, over bearing horror then yeah I agree with you not wanting to go. As a PP said, don't burn your bridges.

Diverseopinions · 28/02/2021 09:14

I think it can be a useful thing when grandparents want to do a specific thing with the child because it focuses all the excitement on a one-off event. It's special, because going to the zoo is a bit of a tradition and institution, but it's not as intrusive a wish as the grandparents enjoying their relationship with your child by always bringing a particular food for them, or to always to be wanting to buy their every pair of shoes with them at the shop, or, worse still, exercising their doting feelings by making mention of a particular theme or pet view on toddlers talking/reading/bathing, etc. all the time. Or trying to advise on where you put your high-chair in the kitchen, or something.

I guess it's nice for your partner too, to be doing the odd big family outing with the others.

I would be inclined to encourage the idea of special one-off firsts, like this, with Grandma. Grandma can then buy zoo animal noise books and can focus her love in this way. It will always be a special connection with your child - but not a very intrusive one.

It's up to you, OP, but I wouldn't worry about the odd first experience, unless it's everything - snow/ boots, etc.

YoniAndGuy · 28/02/2021 09:15

Let them take her to the zoo without you! She won't even REMEMBER. The only memories being made there are for MIL.

And - move. At least 45 minutes away. You're not going to enjoy bringing up your children right next door to your inlaws. I wouldn't either - it would just be a little. too. much. involvement.

Not many people live this close or would be happy with it you know. Most people would be able to have already gone to the zoo and maybe MIL et al would know nothing about it unless specifically invited.

If you're far enough away to have your own family life that you can choose to invite them in to in a more balanced, controlled way, and when it suits you, then you're more likely to feel positive about them rather than overwhelmed and watched - and you're more likely to want to involve them more.

B33Fr33 · 28/02/2021 09:15

If you dont like sharing a pram. Use a sling. Ok the truly interfering will get up close and personal but they can't take control either.

I am dumbfounded by the whole scenario though. Just turn down things you don't want to do.

icedgem85 · 28/02/2021 09:15

It’s the zoo not Disney world. Go twice.

Inanun2 · 28/02/2021 09:16

@ancientgran

I never knew the "first trip to the zoo" was a thing. I couldn't even tell you who was there or which zoo we went to for this big occasion with mine.
My children’s first trip to a zoo was with a summer kids club ! Zoos are not somewhere I would choose to go but that’s a different topic. We have done ‘safari park’ in UK where you drive around, lots of times.

As for MIL wanting to push the pushchair, is that not normal ? They are proud grandparents and want to ‘show off’ the baby. I think that is pretty normal and you have the baby most of the time so a trip out with granny is a special event ? . (Saying that I can not imagine living 3mins away from family as all ours are at least 300 miles away so it was always special when we all got together). Might be different if it is constant and you feel you do not ever have time alone.

Cacacoisfarraige · 28/02/2021 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inanun2 · 28/02/2021 09:19

@ancientgran, sorry no idea how I managed to quote you ! I didn’t mean to. 😀

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 28/02/2021 09:20

Oh. I cross posted with several of your posts.

It's a bit stressy here at the moment. I'm sorry you don't feel very supported.

Doodlepip23 · 28/02/2021 09:21

It seems a bit much to have that many adults tagging along on baby’s first trip to the zoo. So YANBU. I agree with the PP who said the aquarium would be better. Either way, have a great time.

ancientgran · 28/02/2021 09:23

[quote Inanun2]@ancientgran, sorry no idea how I managed to quote you ! I didn’t mean to. 😀[/quote]
Don't worry, it's fine.

Kokosrieksts · 28/02/2021 09:25

What the hell? Go to the zoo, baby won’t understand much anyway. Take her next year on your own. Weird thing to get worked up about.

MrsTophamHat · 28/02/2021 09:27

She will be too young to know what is happening. It'll be more for the adults than her. My son is 3 now, and tbh I still think he'd be more interested in running around and trying out the play park than he would be in gazing at animals through a fence. At age 2 we took him to Thomas Land- we thought it would blow his mind. He honestly wasn't bothered and found all the queuing really boring. I'll probably be giving it until next year before I shell out for an attraction like that, as at this age he's better suited to the beach etc.

They're not doing anything bad by loving your daughter and wanting to spend time with her. You will not miss out on any "memories" of her being pushed around in a pram.