I dont want to share babies 1st time at zoo with mil, fil and her sons?

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone. My mil wants to go to the zoo when lockdown lifts with her, the fil, her 2 sons, their 2 girlfriends, me, the baby and partner. No one one really likes the zoo, its more for the baby.
I dont want to feel at competition, trying to talk to my child with MIL talking first. I dont want to have to move from the pram by 1inch and mil grabbing the handles. I have a bit of anxiety and I dont want to feel anxious haveing all these people focusing on me and the my child, like I'm in a spotlight. I want to just enjoy takeing her, not have to constantly pass her about and share it. Plus I'd rather go when my kids older, maybe 2 or 3 so she can truly enjoy the zoo. I want to it to be just us. Is this selfish. AIBU?

I understand your anxieties OP. Quite similar, i value first time experiences and also like that space. My MIL seems similar to yours and likes to get stuck in and talks loaaads. My daughter is fond of her though and iv learnt its actually really sweet they have their memories together too. You will hav many more precious moments as u are her Mum. But MIL has to offer this out because she probably misses ur daughter a lot. If everyones coming to the zoo just for yr daughter thats really sweet. Just see it from a positive angle. Itl make th day a whole lot better. U dont hav to b in a power struggle with ur MIL. Take a step back and then mayb u and yr husband can wander off for a bit hav a bit of ur own family time and then rejoin. Me and hubby do this when we are out with his whole family it can b overwhelming at times. And sometimes we leav our daughter with MIL and FIL and wander off for our time and a bit of a break. Hope that helps. X

You're being very defensive, OP. You've posted on AIBU which invites people to give their opinions, not all of which are going to be what you want to hear.

As it goes, I agree that it's up to you what you do with your baby, and if you don't want to go you should just be able to say "no thanks".

But

I also agree with other posters that you need to address the underlying issues - baby's first trip to the zoo isn't a big milestone. Based on this post alone it doesn't seem like your MIL is being underhanded or trying to compete as The Mother. Is there an element of post natal anxiety that's clouding your judgement? If you can truly say there isn't then yes, YABU - don't burn your bridges with people you will undoubtedly need help from at some point in the future.

I think you're being precious & anxiety is taking hold here.

This doesn't seem like something to get so fraught about.

Baby's first time at zoo? They won't even remember it.

It sounds like you don't like your MIL & having not had many outings due to Covid seems like a nice thing.

When people go to the zoo they're often looking at a range of things around them. Is grandma really likely to be holding onto the pram the whole time "stealing" this first moment?

And yes this is AIBU so you have asked if people agree with you or not.

When did a baby's first time at the zoo - or anywhere - become such a big thing? You are being ridiculous and precious about something quite mundane.

You're being precious imo I'm afraid. We're talking about a 1 year old who will give zero fucks about the zoo. Let granny enjoy the experience too. My 2 have been loads and it was only really fun for them once they got to about 3.

I’ve been lucky enough to have had membership of a zoo for much of the past decade, and taken my children their over the years. I think my middle child was 10 days old when we first visited.

Zoos are wasted on young children. Cows are as interesting as lions if they’re “not doing” anything. And many adults go and enjoy zoos without taking children. On one level, YABU, but if it’s symptomatic of wider control issues then you need to get DH to start putting boundaries up.

Why would you take a baby to the zoo?

But if MIL wants to go to the zoo let her take baby and have a day off. Sorted!

You're being so PFB about this. You're imagining the "competition", it's just a zoo. Your child won't care about the animals or whatever it is you're planning on "talking to her" about.

She might like the gift shop and the cafe if there is one. It's a zoo. Seriously.

I feel for you op, lockdown has been hard, none of us have been in control of our lives, we've missed opportunities to show our kids the world.

However, I think you're getting this zoo business out of all proportion. A one year old doesn't understand about exotic animals, the zoo is no more special than seeing ducks at the park. It's an opportunity to have a walk with family. You won't have to think of things to talk about because there will be animals to see. If it was me, I'd have the baby over and have a coffee by myself for a bit!

Your the mum. You make decisions for your little family unit.
Yanbu.
Opportunities for "first time with baby" has been few and far between with lockdown restrictions.
Thanks but no thanks, this isn't working for us.

If you don’t want a family trip to the zoo then don’t go on one. But baby’s first trip to the zoo isn’t a thing so it does seem an odd one to make such a fuss about.
Taking a one year old to the zoo isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds though, personally a couple of extra people to help entertain sounds better to me!

OP, please read this back in a year. Or once you have a second child. Seriously.

Baby's first trip to the zoo isn't a thing.

Your anxiety says more about your relationship with your family than about their behaviour. Maybe that's what you need to think about.

Counselling? Really?!

I can see exactly where you’re coming from OP, and agree that you should just go by yourselves first, or just kind of go along with the idea, but avoid firming up plans. Or just explain you’d planned to go by yourselves the first time, so that’s what you’d like to do.

My MIL is absolutely lovely and we get along really well, BUT she sounds very similar to yours, in that she would take the baby out of my arms without asking at any opportunity. With my first child I found this very hard to deal with, it made me feel very uncomfortable, and very irritated. I remember one incident where I was breastfeeding (something I had lots of problems with and found quite difficult) and my DS scratched himself quite badly and started screaming. My MIL shot over and tried to take him out of my arms to console him, as though I, his own mother could not do it. On that occasion I stood firm and wouldn’t let go of him, but instead asked her to get me a tissue to wipe away the blood.

Having said that I know my MIL means no harm and just gets over excited and wants to spend time with her grandchildren, which is lovely. She is so hands on and it has been a Godsend having someone so willing and able to help with childcare. Plus DS (now 2) absolutely adores her. So I just bite my tongue! I’ve had another baby during lockdown and although we’ve formed a support bubble with PIL we haven’t seen them nearly as much as we normally would, and it’s actually been a relief to be able to enjoy the first few months with the baby, rather than feel like my baby is being taken away from me. I also find it hard because my own mother never tries to take my children out of my arms without asking, or push me out of the way to grab hold of the pram.

I do wonder whether any of the posters who are saying YABU have ever been in that position themselves. Imagine someone taking anything from you without asking, or pushing you out of the way so they can take over. If this happened with an inanimate object such as a drink or something you’d likely be shocked and annoyed, however imagine how it feels when it is your child! Of course OP isn’t being unreasonable not to want to spend a day feeling like that, particularly one that they wanted to experience as a family.

I never thought I would feel so annoyed/upset in that type of situation, but when faced with it, it is difficult to deal with, particularly when you’re trying to adjust to motherhood yourself!

Also, I do find mumsnet rather odd sometimes, as most of the time it’s all ‘just say no!’, and ‘don’t ever do things you don’t want to, just to please others’, yet for some reason when you’ve asked for advice you’ve been told you should just grin and bear it. Perhaps some of the other posters are MILs and can only see it from the other perspective?

YANBU!

Op, I think you're right that not being able to do anything in lockdown is affecting how you see being able to do things put of lockdown.
Why don't you do zoo as small family and aquarium as big family.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I’m urging op to seek some some help. I’m not criticising her but That’s a catastrophic interpretation of a family day out

Why does she need help, she doesn’t want to spend the day with in-laws. Jesus Christ, why is everything always an enormous problem?

I would often meet my brother, and later both him and his partner at the zoo when mine were little. It was great, as lots to look at for the kids and wide open spaces to run around for them while we caught up and had a chat.

If the zoo is your 'one special thing' that you want to do alone with your child then just do your own thing. In the long term though, it's wonderful to have a caring and supportive family around you, and if they're interested in doing kid type activities to boot I'd be jumping on that!

Disclaimer: I have four kids and by the last one particularly if anyone wants to do something with them, firsts or not, they're all theirs!! I also don't understand the threads like 'MIL spoiled christmas by buying my baby a new outfit to wear on the day'. I'm just happy if people are taking an interest in my kids, and if they're saving me time and money then I'm not about to complain.

Also, OP just announce it to the family. Tell them you dp and baby are going to the zoo and that you are also doing a whole family trip to aquarium.

I think ppl are being unnecessary harsh on here tbh. With the past year not being able to do a thing I understand this may be a big thing for you to do with your lo. I had a 2nd baby in lockdown and it sucks not being able to do anything. When we do have freedom I do actually want to do certain things just our lil family unit. So I understand completely. You have been robbed of lots of things to be able to do with a baby this past year so just go to the zoo with you and your kids.
Go with mil and the rest on another day. Although I agree baby won't get much out of a zoo trip, maybe swimming with lo will be a more enjoyable one on one experience with baby?
My point is don't feel bad for wanting to do something just you, it's been a hard year do what makes you happy.

I think you need to reframe your thinking a bit. When my mum or PIL spend time with my kids, of course they spend more time talking with them than I do for those few hours - I get to talk with them all the time! The visits are for them to spend time with the children so they can get to know each other. They have their own relationships with the kids now (well, a bit limited now with covid but you know what I mean) - MIL is great at crawling around on the floor with the toddler, FIL brings teddies from their house, some of which were DH's when he was little. My mum loves nothing more than pushing the baby in the pram or shaking a rattle with her.

It's lovely. They're not trying to usurp me as the mother, they're building their own relationships as grandparents.

Go to the zoo, let MIL take charge if she wants. The three of you can go to the farm or the aquarium or the zoo another day.

Take her to the zoo on your own. Then the others can come along for a second visit. Done .

op my mil is into competitive parenting - which it sounds like your mil may be doing - as well, sooo exhausting! And annoying when she'd had her turn to be a parent already!

My solution was to let her have the kids alone (when they were a bit older) so she could fill her boots with her show, the kids aren't deprived of grandparents, and I don't end up mouthing like a goldfish! plus get some much needed time to myself you could take DC first then just hand her to mil and fil for the afternoon - win win!

Anyway as others have said it's way too soon to be talking about that kind of stuff, we're still in this infernal lockdown 🙄

My ex mil was pretty obsessed with my DD as it was her first grandchild and she would have dominated a trip to the zoo at that age. But I really couldn't be bothered to get worked up about it. The baby will enjoy themselves, try and relax and enjoy yourself too. Or just take your baby to the zoo one day without telling anyone if you really must have this one.

I used to be ridiculous like this. I hated anyone even looking at my pfb son for too long Looking back now I feel a lot of regret that I took important moments away from both him and the wider family by being so obsessed that everything would just be 'our little family'.
A baby or toddler's first time at the zoo is pretty shit anyway. What I thought would be a magical family day turned into tantrums, crying, fanatically wheeling him around so he'd nap and then leaving early! It was much better second and third time.

I agree with PP, just put this off by being non-committal. You'll probably be less fussed when your DC is older and walking and interacting more with other people anyway.

The zoo is an odd choice if none of the adults enjoy it and are doing it for the sake of a baby's first time. Would it be easier for you to arrange something low key that you'd be more comfortable doing with the extended family?