I dont want to share babies 1st time at zoo with mil, fil and her sons?

[Sophie1029734]

Hi everyone. My mil wants to go to the zoo when lockdown lifts with her, the fil, her 2 sons, their 2 girlfriends, me, the baby and partner. No one one really likes the zoo, its more for the baby.
I dont want to feel at competition, trying to talk to my child with MIL talking first. I dont want to have to move from the pram by 1inch and mil grabbing the handles. I have a bit of anxiety and I dont want to feel anxious haveing all these people focusing on me and the my child, like I'm in a spotlight. I want to just enjoy takeing her, not have to constantly pass her about and share it. Plus I'd rather go when my kids older, maybe 2 or 3 so she can truly enjoy the zoo. I want to it to be just us. Is this selfish. AIBU?

@Babyfg jealous af reading your post 😂

At that age you’d be better off taking her to some farm park where you can get closer to the animals. At the zoo she’ll probably either sleep the way round or you won’t be able to actually see the animals because they’ll be lazing in the sun anyway. The most she might take a interest in is the monkeys. Where as at a farm you can usually stroke some animals and see them close up.

I seem to remember mine didn’t really give a shit about the zoo at that age. Don’t make it into a bigger ‘thing’ as the only person disappointed will be you.

Op please please don't worry about it. You will have lots of 'firsts' with your baby. They won't remember anything about the zoo.

You're being extremely precious, not just about your MIL but about this ridiculous notion of “first trip to the zoo”.

Not only is your baby not going to remember but you sound like you live in an Instagram world where every first has to be documented, photographed and celebrated.

Also, unless your MIL is an awful person, she’s just excited about seeing her grandchild and being able to hold them. I would say that is a first that is keeping your MIL going in these lonely times yet you want to take it away from her.

Baby won't remember or care. I'd let them take baby and have a nice day to myself, or at least just go then take the child to the zoo myself once they are a bit more grown and will make actual memories

I took my dd to a safari park when she was 18 months and we talked about it often in an attempt to keep the memory but it had vanished by the time she was four

My DCs first trip to the zoo was an end of year school outing, countless other children and all the school staff, I wasn't even there

I did wonder if zoo was code for some other activity that might be identifying but I see that it isn't. I can't imagine the sons and girlfriends being very keen especially if they all live together, is MIL forcing everyone to go, has she a zoo fixation?

Just take her yourself first, and then go with the family another time.

Also, be prepared for the possibility your child might not be that interested. We were excited taking ours to the zoo for the first time last year but dd1 was only excited about going to the cafe for lunch and dd2 fell asleep!

They would have been happier at the local park.

Just go with your partner before going with his family. It sounds like MIL is being a bit overbearing and turning you into a bit of a neurotic mess. You need to start putting gentle boundaries in place before you explode. Things like her grabbing the pushchair "I've got it, thanks :)" people wanting to hold her "she's just having time mummy cuddles now"/"leave her please, she's settled, you can cuddle later"

There are two things here:

1. “Baby’s first day at the zoo” is not a thing. You are being unreasonable there.

1. You MIL and wider IL family sound unbearable - round every day, pushing you out of the way of the pram unless you block them - exhausting. So I can see why you aren’t signing up for a day out with eight of them, regardless of destination. Can you send DH with them and have a bit of time to yourself? And pull back on the daily visits. You need some space from them.

Baby's first steps. Baby's first tooth. Baby's first words. Baby's first meal. Baby's first ride on a swing, perhaps?

Baby's first time at the zoo?? This isn't even a thing. I'm not trying to belittle something as it's clearly important to you, but this really isn't one of the significant "baby's first" moments to get precious over.

It's just a trip to the zoo. Your baby won't care, and quite possibly will barely notice the animals (depending on her age). She'd probably really love seeing her grandmother and relatives though.

Just tell MIL you're not going because you don't want to tech your baby that gawping at wild animals being cruelly imprisoned for arrogant humans entertainment is ok?

I agree with @Hobgoblinz
My mil would:
physically barge me out the way
Not let me push the buggy once in 1st day out at park/lake baby 2 weeks old
Hang her coat on the buggy in cafes to mark territory
Run with the buggy when I wanted to get crying baby out of it
If I ran into someone I knew and stopped to talk she’d grab the handles and make a dash
Run and grab the car seat out the car when we arrived and carry baby into family get togethers
If they took babu for the day she’d grab the car seat and put in her car before I could get out driver seat to say bye!

Giving her loads of contact didn’t make her chill out-I tried and it made no difference.

I don’t know if this was sheer excitement or something more unkind.
It did force me to compete and was very stressful.

She was worse with an audience to show off to-this may be why your mil wants a big group, so they can all admire her,

Did you not read any of my new posts?
Also, lockdown happened 6 weeks after I have birth. I havnt seen my family in 4 months and before that j saw them for a couple times when things lifted. I miss them like hellll. My partner works long shifts so I'm alone all day apart from 2 hours before bed, even then more like an hour because he showers, eats etc. I dont even go in the shops, I make online orders. The closest I've come to contact is walking past someone on a walk and saying hi or the random door hello. With the loneliness I caved and went to take the little one to see them. I understand your point of view and I'm thankful for your work, but please dont assume I havnt followed.. i have and I'm losing my sanity from loneliness. I believe that's why I'm obsessing over such a trip because I've done nothing with my child, it feels like a huge thing when others have made clear... it's not and is just down to over thinking, nothing more. After thinking it through I relise that.

mil was quite the handful, even during lockdown and giving me lots of annoying comments and trying to get me to break no contact. I was worrying about how itd affect the day, I've said yes to it though and I'm sure itll be a great day.

Isnt the answer simple here? Just say to mil "that would be great" and organise a later date to go with her. Then go by with dc and Dh on your own beforehand? That way everyone can ge the experience they want. You can go to the zoo more than once...

@WineInTheWillows

How is this good advice?

"Hey just start a continuing string of lies!"

Sometimes, white lies are necessary to maintain good relationships with family. I don't think it's going to be much of an issue tbh- you're talking four separate families co-ordinating on a weekend zoo trip that, let's face it, the MIL is the only one that's likely enthusiastic about. I doubt OP will be the only one finding excuses. Zoo trips are expensive, you'll actually need a few months before they open and a few more before they're not just total madhouses.

I highly doubt everyone will be as thrilled by the plan as MIL envisages. No need to start drama over it unnecessarily- I think it's pretty sound advice tbh.

Agree.

My husband and I know that his dad is a bit of a dick and my mum can be very difficult. And we both know the other knows.

We both know that my dad and his mum are lovely though, and neither of the awkward ones are fundamentally bad people. So we don't rock the boat and we don't shove our annoyances at the other person about their parents, and when we visit, we accept that there will be some good and bad.

OP - find an alternative venue to suggest for this since the zoo trip is important to you, and suck up the annoyances of the day trip for your kid to have a loving wider family.

(DC is a bit scared of animals at the moment could be a good one - you could go somewhere with a petting zoo and say it's to test the waters?)

It’s just a family trip to the zoo, nothing more. Why do you think it’s going to be centred on the baby? Why can’t everyone take a turn at pushing the pram? Why is it a competition? It will only be a competition if you make it one. Just enjoy a family day at the zoo.

I can’t believe the responses you’re getting on here OP! Maybe everyone is projecting their own insecurities at not having spend time with grandchildren or nieces and nephews so are vehemently telling you to back off.

Am I the only person who picked up on the fact that if OP - the baby’s actual mum - tries to move the pushchair then MIL will grab on to it? Does no one else think this is completely batshit?

Every parent is entitled to have their own precious individual time with their baby at outings and activities before sharing with family. So if that’s what you want op then don’t cave, take her yourself when you are ready. You can agree to a date with mil much further in the future so it gives you time to do a few bits yourself with the baby.

And it really is irrelevant if others aren’t bothered about a ‘first’ at the zoo. It might be special to you and frankly, given the fact that lockdown mums have missed out on so many first year experiences, I really don’t blame you.

I think you probably are being a bit unreasonable, but no judgement from me, because I have sometimes felt like that with my DD. I think for me it just stemmed from feeling like we never did anything fun as a family without DHs family wanting to come along, which compounded with the fact that she’s in childcare 5 days a week while I work, just made me feel like I never get any quality fun time with her. I think rather than focusing on the ‘firsts’, or on specific events though, you just have to make sure that there is some balance and that some occasions are just you without the extended family.

I wasn’t aware the zoo was a ‘first’. What else is? First Frankie and Benny’s, first stop at a service station?

You’re being ridiculous OP and very very unreasonable. Have a word with yourself, go to the zoo and have a lovely day with your caring and interested relatives.

@Sophie1029734

Did you not read any of my new posts? Also, lockdown happened 6 weeks after I have birth. I havnt seen my family in 4 months and before that j saw them for a couple times when things lifted. I miss them like hellll. My partner works long shifts so I'm alone all day apart from 2 hours before bed, even then more like an hour because he showers, eats etc. I dont even go in the shops, I make online orders. The closest I've come to contact is walking past someone on a walk and saying hi or the random door hello. With the loneliness I caved and went to take the little one to see them. I understand your point of view and I'm thankful for your work, but please dont assume I havnt followed.. i have and I'm losing my sanity from loneliness. I believe that's why I'm obsessing over such a trip because I've done nothing with my child, it feels like a huge thing when others have made clear... it's not and is just down to over thinking, nothing more. After thinking it through I relise that.

Loneliness is crippling. I'm honestly not sure I would have survived if lockdown had occurred after my first child was born. My pnd messed with my sense of reality and I shudder to think what lockdown has been like for new mothers who have struggled.

Please don't overthink the trip to the zoo but I don't think anyone should be condemning you for reaching breaking point when it comes to loneliness.

Am I the only person who picked up on the fact that if OP - the baby’s actual mum - tries to move the pushchair then MIL will grab on to it? Does no one else think this is completely batshit?

I don’t think that happens. I think MIL has probably asked to push the buggy a few times, and OP is wildly exaggerating.

Also if MIL is a buggy grabber have you considered getting a sling. Much harder to grab one if those.

Am I the only person who picked up on the fact that if OP - the baby’s actual mum - tries to move the pushchair then MIL will grab on to it? Does no one else think this is completely batshit?

I don't know. Depends on context. My mum used to do this and I thought it was weird. But it turned out that as she had got older, she had become terrified of falling and she loved having the buggy to hold onto. But she was too proud to admit to being worried about her balance.