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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to share babies 1st time at zoo with mil, fil and her sons?

208 replies

Sophie1029734 · 28/02/2021 02:59

Hi everyone. My mil wants to go to the zoo when lockdown lifts with her, the fil, her 2 sons, their 2 girlfriends, me, the baby and partner. No one one really likes the zoo, its more for the baby.
I dont want to feel at competition, trying to talk to my child with MIL talking first. I dont want to have to move from the pram by 1inch and mil grabbing the handles. I have a bit of anxiety and I dont want to feel anxious haveing all these people focusing on me and the my child, like I'm in a spotlight. I want to just enjoy takeing her, not have to constantly pass her about and share it. Plus I'd rather go when my kids older, maybe 2 or 3 so she can truly enjoy the zoo. I want to it to be just us. Is this selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
BeyondMyWits · 28/02/2021 08:33

I see you said yes to the trip, enjoy!!

Our first trip to the zoo was with MIL +FIL. It was a great day... they grabbed the buggy, went off with the baby, had lots of fun showing off the animals... whilst dh and I sat and had a coffee and cake. Then we joined them and "used them" as photo takers so we actually got some pretty decent pictures of both of us with our baby, usually one takes the photo... and of the 3 generations together. They then got tired, so we left them drinking coffee whilst we went off. Turned into a lovely day out despite my misgivings.

Have fun... abandon the baby to them for a bit, enjoy time with dh and get someone to take lots of photos.

Meowchickameowmeow · 28/02/2021 08:33

I think you're way overestimating how magical a trip to the zoo is going to be.

Charles11 · 28/02/2021 08:34

Even if this is the baby’s first time at the zoo, you’ll still be there. When you take her again as she gets older, it will be better as she’ll be more engaged.
I know you’re placing a lot of significance in this trip but you might want to think about it more rationally. If you still rather not go with everyone, then don’t.

My dc loved got the most out of it when they were around 7. They read all the info packs, got to feed the giraffes, took their own pictures and fell in love with some of the animals.

You’ll have lots of opportunities to have wonderful times with your dc. Think of this just as a family get together outdoors.

Crosstrainer · 28/02/2021 08:34

@Rainallnight

Is the zoo a very special place to you?
I think this is key, actually. If the zoo matters to you because, say, it was your favourite place as a child, or because you’re a zoologist, then it’s fair enough that you want to make the day about you and your baby. If not - it’s really not that great and you’ll probably be grateful for extra pairs of hands (eg “you go and queue for a coffee while I change the baby” sort of thing).
pictish · 28/02/2021 08:35

There’s nothing stopping you having a day out elsewhere for the first trip out. The zoo isn’t all there is. If you’ve envisioned an intimate day out with baby to celebrate the end of lockdown, have one. No one is saying you can’t - it sounds nice.
Do both.

WhyDoesItAlways · 28/02/2021 08:36

Try not to obsess about the day being "perfect". Trust me this will lead to disaster when you're expectations are shattered. Just go with the flow and you won't be disappointed!

When we go out with PiL I let them take the baby duties, push the pram, provide the entertainment. They want to do it and I get to do it all the time. Enjoy the freedom of wandering around a zoo without a baby attached to you.

GuacamoleParty · 28/02/2021 08:36

Is this for real? Your baby will neither know they're at a zoo nor care. It's just a day out with family....if you really don't want to go then don't.

eatsleepread · 28/02/2021 08:37

YABU and overreacting.

AIMD · 28/02/2021 08:38

I don’t think your issue is the zoo specifically. I think the issue is boundaries and you feeling your MIL is overstepping your boundaries by being too insistence about things. It’s not nice to feel someone is controlling or being manipulative to get what they want at the expense of what you want for your family. If you don’t have strategies to deal with that it can feel really disempowering and the things like the zoo trip become a big deal.

I can understand why firsts are important after having your first year in lockdown. I can also understand why MIl might also be overly keen to do something like the zoo trip.

I think working on your boundaries with MIL will help you feel less frustrated and anxious regardless of what ends up happening with the zoo trip.

minniemoocher · 28/02/2021 08:39

If s just the zoo. Stop being precious. She wants to arrange a family outing after all of this so chose what she thought was a family friendly environment. I suggest instead you think of an alternative plan eg local farm park etc where you can feed the animals, have a picnic etc. You can go to the zoo more than once you know, why wait until 2?

Meanwhile you need to talk to someone about your anxiety.

Honestly she's trying to be nice

Original poster
Sophie1029734 · 28/02/2021 08:44

Feels like people are getting really angry with me and I dont really understand why. I've explained I was overthinking, I'm going to the zoo no. But Now I'm being told I'm lying and I'm mad. Yes ive had problems with mil and I'm not going to go on about that, but thank you for the crappy comment.

OP posts:
ancientgran · 28/02/2021 08:44

I never knew the "first trip to the zoo" was a thing. I couldn't even tell you who was there or which zoo we went to for this big occasion with mine.

Lalliella · 28/02/2021 08:44

I don’t remember my kids’ first days at the zoo. Your MIL is just trying to organise a nice family day out. However, I do think a big trip to the zoo might be a bit much - how are the other adults going to feel if you keep having to stop to feed the baby? Also if no-one likes the zoo, wouldn’t it be better to have a cheaper day out that everyone would actually like?

I voted YABU because of your preciousness though sorry, due to your title.

Original poster
Sophie1029734 · 28/02/2021 08:47

And yea, I worked with animals and spent lots of years studying them. I think it was more special place to take your child than others

OP posts:
ancientgran · 28/02/2021 08:47

@Meowchickameowmeow

I think you're way overestimating how magical a trip to the zoo is going to be.
I remember one zoo trip, no idea if it was the first, my toddler DD was totally uninterested in the caged animals but was fascinated by the family of wild rabbits which we watched for ages. Would have been alot cheaper to just find some wild rabbits. Day at the zoo is OK but not that amazing.
EugenesAxe · 28/02/2021 08:48

I'm a bit tired of the build up of expectations over 'firsts'. No doubt an excuse for someone, somewhere to plonk 'Baby's first zoo trip' on a picture frame or something, where, if she is a small baby, a lot of the time she'll be sleeping, eating or looking about her confusedly because of all the stimulation.

You will know when a magical and significant event has occurred in your baby's or child's life, and you celebrate it at that moment. It could be as innocuous as playing in mud, or splashing in a puddle. It will likely be natural, spontaneous and something that the child feels invested in. Don't get anxious because the (let's call them) 'Instagram' moments of your child's life haven't been the 'textbook' perfect experiences other people big them up to be. If they want to be there, let them and relax - the trip doesn't need stage-managing.

gutful · 28/02/2021 08:49

People need to stop piling on !

The OP has said she realises she WBU

Also OP if you look at it differently - one day grandma will be dead, old people can go unexpectedly....

& your child may well enjoy hearing stories or see a photo of when granny took them to the zoo as a baby

So they might not remember things now

But that doesn’t mean it won’t be a special day

pictish · 28/02/2021 08:50

OP don’t take it to heart too much. We tend to write blunt replies using strong terms here...it’s the internet after all. I saw you had taken on board the advice here (good on you) but people don’t read the entire thread and often reply to the original post even though the thread has moved on. Don’t worry about it.

Hoppinggreen · 28/02/2021 08:50

I didn’t know “First Trip To The Zoo” was an important milestone but whatever
It’s your child, go/don’t go where you want with her. Either you or your partner need to stand up to your mil and if you prefer to go alone that’s fine. Just tell her she can come next time,it doesn’t matter if it’s your child’s first time or 109th time at the zoo.

ancientgran · 28/02/2021 08:50

@wellthatsunusual

Am I the only person who picked up on the fact that if OP - the baby’s actual mum - tries to move the pushchair then MIL will grab on to it? Does no one else think this is completely batshit?

I don't know. Depends on context. My mum used to do this and I thought it was weird. But it turned out that as she had got older, she had become terrified of falling and she loved having the buggy to hold onto. But she was too proud to admit to being worried about her balance.

I think that happens alot. My mum used to do it, my husband has mobility issues and he is always the one to push buggies or even the supermarket trolley. Fortunately my DsIL are all fine with it and offer him the buggy as they understand.
Lumene · 28/02/2021 08:51

I’m urging op to seek some some help. I’m not criticising her but That’s a catastrophic interpretation of a family day out

How do you know if you haven’t met the OP’s family?

AgnesNaismith · 28/02/2021 08:51

Are you all only reading the title??? OPs whole post is much more extensive and shows that she doesn’t want to be centre of attention, or for the baby to be passed around. Surely you can understand that?

OP AIBU is full of judgemental vipers, post in another topic and you will get a completely different answer.

OP you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Fuck what anyone else says!

Hoppinggreen · 28/02/2021 08:52

I remember DDs first trip to the Safari Park, she was 3.
We drove in and she said “wow, look Mummy” we crowded to that side of the car for a look - “it’s a bus Mummy”

midnightstar66 · 28/02/2021 08:53

A first trip to the zoo is not a major milestone and a baby won't be that interested. Just go again on your own at the age you think your dc will enjoy it (or go alone before if you think I it's that much of a big deal) what's wrong with granny pushing the pram?

user1471538283 · 28/02/2021 08:55

Just take your baby on your own first. The second trip everyone can go together with your MIL pushing. So it will be baby's first time with Grandma.

When DS was a baby my DF absolutely hogged the stroller and wanted to be involved in firsts. It really didn't bother me as he was so proud of him.