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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM

208 replies

minniepink · 22/02/2021 18:41

I’m having no luck with interviews and seriously considering just accepting and embracing life as a SAHM. But is it really as unwise as Mn make it out to be?

OP posts:
wanderedlonelyasacloud · 22/02/2021 18:44

If you can afford it, you genuinely want to be a SAHM and your partner is onboard with having all finances shared and accessible to you both then go for it!

StephenBelafonte · 22/02/2021 18:44

Depends. What's your financial situation?

LizzieBirmingham · 22/02/2021 18:45

are you married? If not you can make yourself vulnerable by being a SAHM as your career and earning potential stall without you having any entitlement to your partner’s assets if you end up splitting. But if you’re married to someone who isn’t an arsehole about finances, there’s no reason why it can’t work for you.

Neolara · 22/02/2021 18:45

I was a sahm for 14 years. Worked for me.

MrsDuggee · 22/02/2021 18:47

It might or might not be unwise, completely depends on your individual circumstances. You have to do what’s right for you and your family. Other people’s opinions don’t matter.

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 18:49

It’s a consideration lizzie

I’d like to get married.

OP posts:
Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 22/02/2021 18:50

@minniepink

It’s a consideration lizzie

I’d like to get married.

Why are you not yet married?
Ostryga · 22/02/2021 18:51

If you’re not married then no, being a SAHM is about the silliest thing you could ever do.

If the worst was to happen and you spilt up you’d have no claim to a home, any finances etc.

Find a job, any job, even if it’s beneath you and get some financial independence. What types of jobs are you going for?

MrsBrunch · 22/02/2021 18:52

Why don't you just get married.

TillyTopper · 22/02/2021 18:53

Personally I have always wanted to be financially independent and also to contribute to the family finances. I think it's crucial to maintain a career both for sanity, protection should something happen to the relationship and later on when the DCs have grown and you need to do something else.

Honestly, the number of times I read in forums such as this where SAHMs are not financially independent and totally relying on their DP or DH and regretting it, is very often! Seems great when it's all fine for a start, if things start to go slightly sour then not so good.

Wishitsnows · 22/02/2021 18:54

Don't do it unless you are married.

Suzi888 · 22/02/2021 18:54

@wanderedlonelyasacloud

If you can afford it, you genuinely want to be a SAHM and your partner is onboard with having all finances shared and accessible to you both then go for it!
^^ this
bigbird1969 · 22/02/2021 18:55

if your not married then it is a big no from me. You have no safe guards, if he has a pension you have no rights to it in the event you separate, you are leaving yourself in a position of vulnerability. I was with my partner for 20yrs and he offered a SAHM option after DC 1 and it was a big fat no from me, not married , zero protection and also I had a career and wasnt giving that up. I have my own pension, name on the mortgage and we did get married after 20yrs as he is ill and was worried about inheritance tax but we have since realised even getting married doesnt resolve all of it and we have a meeting to sort out wills tomorrow interestingly enough.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2021 18:55

Do you have a partner, is their wage enough to support the family, are they onboard with you not working outside of the house, is it their decision you’re not currently married?

ParkheadParadise · 22/02/2021 18:56

I'm happy being a SAHM.
I'm lucky to be in a good financial position which allows me to stay at home and have the money to spend on what I want.

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 18:58

I suppose I should ask if we can get married. Just seems a bit cynical somehow.

OP posts:
bigbird1969 · 22/02/2021 18:59

why is it cynical to get married? If you dont want to get married fair enough, just ensure your financially not reliant on a DP who can step away at any point.

MildredPuppy · 22/02/2021 18:59

I think its risk but the risks are different for different people. Do you do something where you could lose skills or need that last reference to get back to it later. what savings you have, other income streams.is your name on the title deed, is someone paying into a pension for you. I think its fine to share finances with your childs father but you need to protect yourself too. I have a thing about wanting to pay my own phone and car and have a deposit and months rent in savings so I always think i can leave.

HavelockVetinari · 22/02/2021 19:00

Do not do it without the protection of marriage, you'd be a fool!

It's really hard when you keep getting knocked back, but do keep at it - you'll find something.

Ostryga · 22/02/2021 19:00

Cynical to protect yourself? What pension provisions do you have? Savings? Where would you live if he left tomorrow? Are you renting or who owns the house?

Racoonworld · 22/02/2021 19:01

Yes get married first, you’re completely unprotected if not. Can you afford not to work? And I mean long term lifestyle, not just paying bills.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2021 19:01

Ask if you can get married? Like it would be doing you a favour? What do you think marriage is?

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 19:01

Because it’s just so I can benefit financially. Different if we were both working.

OP posts:
N4ish · 22/02/2021 19:01

Keeping on working provides far better security than getting married. I think being a SAHM is very risky if it goes on for too long. Have seen lots of friends struggle to get back into the workplace after extended time off.

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 19:01

Dp earns enough, but obviously we are better off if we are both working.

OP posts:
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