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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM

208 replies

minniepink · 22/02/2021 18:41

I’m having no luck with interviews and seriously considering just accepting and embracing life as a SAHM. But is it really as unwise as Mn make it out to be?

OP posts:
HeidiHaughton · 22/02/2021 22:26

What prompted the move from where you live? Did you not think about the logistics of work with a baby before getting pregnant?

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 22:29

Goodness me I am on the witness box it seems.

Yes heidi, I did as it happens. I always knew I would be leaving my current role if/when I got pregnant. As I say it isn’t commutable from my “boyfriends” house and besides, it’s too big a role to do with a young family. I’m sure some people manage it admirably but not for me at this time. I wouldn’t be able to give either important role the attention it deserves.

My plan was always to get a ‘normal’ teaching role here but that has proved harder than I thought so as I say I’m thinking of plan B. Nothing to be unpleasant about or snide about - just a possible change of direction. Take care.

OP posts:
ScarfaceCwaw · 22/02/2021 22:33

Do your original/current employers not want to keep you? Surely discussing a downwards move/flexible working/fewer hours or whatever compromise might work for everybody would have you in a stronger position than quitting and looking for something else. And if you're senior then you have worth to them.

Womencanlift · 22/02/2021 22:34

Just got to the end of this and really don’t understand the issue with ‘boyfriend’. I am older than you OP and have no issue with that term - that’s what it is. Anyway I don’t think anyone was goady or an idiot.

I do think you (and anyone else who doesn’t have the legal protection of marriage when they have a child) need to be very careful. Yes you are more fortunate than most with your own home but you say it’s rented out - that may cause issues if you had to rely on it if your relationship broke down

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 22:34

Scarface, have you not read my previous posts (and that isn’t meant rudely) - it isn’t commutable, it would really be far too much and I really don’t want to do it! Hence why I resigned!

OP posts:
Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 22:35

My issue with it is that people are intentionally using it to try to demean my relationship. But I feel the thread has now outlived it’s helpfulness, so will leave it at that.

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 22/02/2021 22:38

I do think you are seeing things that are not there. There wasn’t any demeaning of your relationship until you took offence to the term.

Anyway best of luck with your search or your decision to stay at home

ScarfaceCwaw · 22/02/2021 22:39

@minniepink

Scarface, have you not read my previous posts (and that isn’t meant rudely) - it isn’t commutable, it would really be far too much and I really don’t want to do it! Hence why I resigned!
Bloody hell. Well, none of what I asked is actually covered in that, but never mind. You've shot yourself in the foot then. You're always going to have much more leverage where you are, and going out on the market looking for a lower level role than the one you've just quit is going to put some people off as well.

Good luck, but I hope you don't end up being a SAHM for longer than you ever planned.

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 22:40

Goodness me, so you seriously think I should be getting up at 430 am five days a week and getting in past 6? That is absolute madness, I’m sorry!

OP posts:
Embracelife · 22/02/2021 22:40

What about your pension ?

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 22:43

Indeed that is a consideration.

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 22/02/2021 22:44

I'm confused as to why you're finding it hard to get a job with experience and senior experience to boot. English is not a shortage subject sure, but it's equally not overly saturated like art or PE either. As others have said, you potentially leave yourself quite vulnerable if you stop. What happens in 10 years or so when you want to go back? Finding a job would be even harder.

EezyOozy · 22/02/2021 22:44

I think it's ok to have a couple of years out of paying into a pension ! It's not the be all and end all. Sometimes it's best to have a bit of time out... especially when your children are tiny. It's ok to make an informed choice to be a SAHM. You just have to be well informed and maintain the option of going back.

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 22:46

I think most places want NQTs, perfect, and there have been a lot of candidates when I’ve attended interviews which seems to suggest some saturation in this area.

If I left now I wouldn’t necessarily envision myself going back to teaching. It changes too rapidly. As I say, I’m thinking of plan B.

OP posts:
Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 22/02/2021 22:50

There are civil service jobs being advertised recently I've seen a lot of ex teachers apply for and get. If youre not bothered by the pay cut that might be a good way to go and work your way up there.

Perfect28 · 22/02/2021 22:51

As someone in teacher training now (in a saturated subject) and paying a fortune to do so, it's quite depressing to read this!

I think you should strongly consider being a SAHM, you said you were happier than you've been in a long time and that's wonderful and really important.

I would definitely get some kind of side hustle though, and yes consider retraining but only in something you're really passionate about. I think it sounds like you have an exciting opportunity!

Agree with others about ensuring you are protected in case you split, I'm sure that could be some kind of other legal agreement but marriage is often the 'simplest' way.

Good luck!

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 22:54

You’ll probably be fine perfect, it can be a struggle when you’ve been teaching a few years but when you’re just starting out you’ll be snapped up Smile Best of luck to you, too.

Thanks before

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/02/2021 22:55

I’m sorry if you said, how long have you been Together? Have you ever discussed marriage?

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 22:57

Briefly bluntness. I am sure we will but personally I’d probably feel happier saying (in essence) ‘let’s share everything we have and get married’ than ‘let’s get married so I’m protected if you turn out to be an arse!’ Smile

OP posts:
TransientFrog · 22/02/2021 23:00

I'm a SAHM, but I have back up.
•Married
•NI Paid
•Pay into pension
•Life and critical illness insurance cover
•Planning on owning my own separate property
•Wills
•Named on family home
•Own shares in DH's company
•Own car
•Supportive family

I have no plans on ever splitting up with him but I've covered my arse in case he trades me in 😁

I do have to say that it would be MUCH easier to have a job than be a SAHM.

TransientFrog · 22/02/2021 23:01

Eta: we weren't married when I first became a SAHM!

bigbird1969 · 22/02/2021 23:02

So at 40 you have paid off your mortgage? Thats impressive, my friend got her house aged 21 and will be 46 when its paid off. but you have managed to not be working, have your own paid for home and living with a DP who pays the bills. Sound slike your on to a winner. At least not being married means he has zero entitlement to your paid for home.

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 23:03

Why is everyone adding a year to my age?!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/02/2021 23:27

@minniepink

Briefly bluntness. I am sure we will but personally I’d probably feel happier saying (in essence) ‘let’s share everything we have and get married’ than ‘let’s get married so I’m protected if you turn out to be an arse!’ Smile
Um you can use any words you like ...

Is it a year, when are you forty? Is it a big deal?

thepeopleversuswork · 23/02/2021 00:05

@minniepink

My issue with it is that people are intentionally using it to try to demean my relationship. But I feel the thread has now outlived it’s helpfulness, so will leave it at that.
OP in the nicest possible way you're seriously overthinking this. I'm nearly 50 and have a boyfriend.

You seem to be looking for slights that aren't there.

I understand that its a difficult crossroads to be at and there's lots to consider but you come across as feeling very put-upon and attacked. Trust me, by the standards of AIBU this is pretty gentle.