To be a SAHM

[minniepink]

I’m having no luck with interviews and seriously considering just accepting and embracing life as a SAHM. But is it really as unwise as Mn make it out to be?

Boyfriend, partner, friend. Legally that's what he is.

@minniepink

It wasn’t doable with a baby scub. Maybe those women are better women than me. Who knows. But maybe just trust I know my old job and situation?

vodsel why do you keep saying ‘boyfriend’? It was actually him who said he’d be happy with me being a SAHP.

Did I misread something? Is he not your boyfriend?

No vodsel he isn’t

I agree with you, I was questioning the other poster who said it was nothing. It’s obviously not nothing and the contempt some people feel the need to express about other people who enjoy spending time with their babies is really weird.

@minniepink

What is with these ‘boyfriend’ references? Just trying to upset me?! It isn’t, it’s just making me think how odd some people are.

How odd.

A man with whom you are in a relationship but not married to is a boyfriend. My 57 year old sister has a boyfriend. There’s no age limit. There are probably millions of boyfriends across the UK, it’s not an insult.

But you seem to have an awful chip on your shoulder about it, for some reason.

Have you got wills?

If you're happy at home at the minute and planning a second baby then I'd risk it in your shoes if you think the relationship is stable?

I was a SAHM for four/five years and the benefits can be huge if it works for everyone in the family. It can be bloody mind numbingly boring at times so I always had other things going on the side to keep me sharp mentally and keep my skills up to date. I wouldn't take any old job just for the sake of it unless you think your relationships in trouble. That seems like a pointless waste of time if there's no money in it and you'd rather be at home with your DC.

The state of your relationship is key here though.

@minniepink

No vodsel he isn’t

So you’re not in a relationship?

Is he happy for you to remain living in his house if you’re not in a relationship?

@minniepink

What is with these ‘boyfriend’ references? Just trying to upset me?! It isn’t, it’s just making me think how odd some people are.

It's to get it through your head that in law that's all he is, a shack up partner, no more rights than a flatmate (even less) if he owns the house. It's not just odd, but STUPID AF to become financially dependent on someone who, by law, is nothing more than a person you live with. 'partner' is a made up term that has no legal meaning unless you have a civil partnership.

'AIBU to become financially dependent, give up contributing to my pension, become less employable to enable the person I live with who takes no risks at all?'

'Yes'

'No, I'm not!'

Boyfriend/partner etc is just semantics I think she’s emphasising from a legal position it’s the same. Not that you’re a moony teenager in a summer fling.
OP having a newborn is a lovely bubble and I’m glad you’re enjoying it and hope you continue to! And if you want to be a SAHM and plan for that until for example the 30 hours childcare then 3 years isn’t the end of the world for a career break.

I’m starting to feel as if I’m in the witness box, not starting a MN thread!

‘Boyfriend’ is casual. Someone who you have a child with, share a home with, is not really a casual relationship but if it really matters to you then sure carry on calling him my ‘boyfriend.’ It’s fairly transparent though.

How long have you been together? Does he live in your house?

You’re a forty year old unmarried mother. It would be better for you to keep working, the short term is not relevant, you need to look at the bigger picture and protect yourself

I think uou don’t want to work though and that’s the Crux of it.?

Also, for some very odd reason some people on mumsnet like to use a woman's unmarried status as a stick to beat her with. I would ignore the "boyfriend" references. They are very much designed to patronize and undermine you and your relationship. People are indeed odd!

It wasn't unwise for me. Really glad I did it, I enjoyed the time with DCs. I went back to work when the DCs were in secondary school, and then only 4 days a week. I like my job, far more the career I was in pre-children, I've been promoted twice so I've not lost out.

Women tend to be judged for being a SAHM and there's also a real culture of defining and judging people via the job they do/whether they work outside the home.

If you don't give a damn about anything like that (I didn't) then why not do what suits you best? It's your life, nobody else is living it for you.

OK raw that was a lovely message. Thanks.

I do know full well the risks involved in not being married and in being a SAHM. I have not once disputed that. What I have disputed is that I should get any job, even if it leaves us/me worse off as a result. That isn’t “stupid AF.” It’s pretty sensible.

Sometimes situations can change pretty rapidly. I’ve always worked but now I’m struggling. Therefore I’m considering my options: I repeat, that isn’t ‘stupid AF.’

Anne, yes.

@minniepink

I’m starting to feel as if I’m in the witness box, not starting a MN thread!

‘Boyfriend’ is casual. Someone who you have a child with, share a home with, is not really a casual relationship but if it really matters to you then sure carry on calling him my ‘boyfriend.’ It’s fairly transparent though.

It's fairly transparent you truly don't care about your and your child's financial protection, because your relationship has no legal meaning at all, marriage or civil partnership is, and if you chose to disregard this at your legal and financial peril to argue the toss about semantics, which don't matter in law, then that is your lookout. But it's no less than the truth. It's very foolish to do this and makes you vulnerable.

@Sunhoop

Also, for some very odd reason some people on mumsnet like to use a woman's unmarried status as a stick to beat her with. I would ignore the "boyfriend" references. They are very much designed to patronize and undermine you and your relationship. People are indeed odd!

Yes, like I said, it’s pretty transparent.

I don't understand.... if you only had your baby in Nov 2020, and you're receiving SMP, that suggests you are on mat leave. I would go back to work, even part-time. And if that doesn't appeal could you do supply teaching? I thought there was a shortage of teachers

Oh raw, what complete crap. I care a lot, it keeps me up at night more than the baby does and that’s saying something!

I can’t really do supply because the figures don’t add up. I’d be paying for full time childcare without the guarantee of full time work.

There may be a national shortage of teachers - not sure there is at the moment - but it’s always been the case that some subjects and areas are fine for recruitment.

@minniepink

OK raw that was a lovely message. Thanks.

I do know full well the risks involved in not being married and in being a SAHM. I have not once disputed that. What I have disputed is that I should get any job, even if it leaves us/me worse off as a result. That isn’t “stupid AF.” It’s pretty sensible.

Sometimes situations can change pretty rapidly. I’ve always worked but now I’m struggling. Therefore I’m considering my options: I repeat, that isn’t ‘stupid AF.’

Anne, yes.

Yes, that is still stupid AF because the being worse off is temporary, and at the expense of your pension contributions and employability, it's easier to get a job without gaps in your CV especially in an era with millions and millions unemployed and more becoming so.

I’m so lost.

When I was learning English, I was taught that the word for a male with whom someone was in a relationship with, but not married to, is a boyfriend. In every English/speaking country I’ve ever lived in, it’s had the same meaning. I’ve never encountered an age limit to the word.

It’s obviously a touchy subject for you, OP, so I’ll bow out and leave you to go through the advice you’ve received.

Tread carefully, though, as you’re in a very vulnerable position. Protect your future for you and your child(ren).

@minniepink if your mortgage is paid off are you earning money off your house and living in his? That’s something if so. An income independent of his salary, and importantly - somewhere to go if it did go tits up.

It’s easier for strangers to be objective because you know your partner (I also think it’s weird people are insisting on saying boyfriend as some sort of dig ) and you love him. I’ll bet you can’t ever imagine him screwing you over.

But these boards are full of women who’ve had exactly that happen.

I must admit a little part of me dies every time someone posts she’s a SAHM so is stuck in a bad situation.

Have you looked at teaching English as a second language? It can pay well for a side hustle and there’s usually stuff available online for Asian countries especially.

Your baby is very young right now so I’m sure it does seem like the best option but honestly I wouldn’t recommend it especially when you’re not married.

The fact that your DP was meh about having kids would be another thing that would make me hesitant.

Yes that’s correct captain

No, the boyfriend thing is definitely keeping me in my place. Wow, they sure showed me I am obviously wary of any sort of predicament that leaves me vulnerable but just the same, if I can’t find work in ‘my’ field it seems to make sense to take some time out with a view to retraining. My own mum did that in fact.

raw I’m finding your posts extremely unpleasant so I think I won’t read any future ones.

It isn’t that he was ‘meh’ about having kids. It is more that he was happy either way. Again, my own Dad was the same - had children because my mum wanted to and turned out to be a brilliant dad. It’s just that because of that I don’t feel I can say ‘I am looking after YOUR child’ (although I am!) when it’s me who really wanted this.