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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a SAHM

208 replies

minniepink · 22/02/2021 18:41

I’m having no luck with interviews and seriously considering just accepting and embracing life as a SAHM. But is it really as unwise as Mn make it out to be?

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 22/02/2021 20:38

Being totally honest it was me desperate for a baby. He does love dd but he agreed to have her mainly to make me happy

Does your boyfriend want a second baby?

What does he think about you becoming a SAHM?

Were you working before you had your child?

To be honest, in your shoes, I’d go back to work. Having a child with someone who wasn’t 100% keen can be difficult, let alone adding another baby, and unemployment.

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 20:38

I know that karma. But I still feel it’s a bit pointless to get a minimum wage type job in something I don’t really want to do and won’t help my future just for the sake of it.

OP posts:
Pyewackect · 22/02/2021 20:39

12 weeks was enough for me. I didn't do 4 hard years of medical training, assessments, study and exams just to sit at home with a small infant, my brain would have turned in mint toothpaste. But each to their own.

VodselForDinner · 22/02/2021 20:39

I stopped work when I had DC, in November

So are you currently on maternity leave, or unemployed?

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 20:40

Boyfriend? We are both nearly 40!

Yes, I was working before my child. Yes, he’s happy to have a second child. I’m just explaining that he’d have been happy with or without children whereas I needed to have them!

OP posts:
Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 20:42

Why vodsel? Both I suppose. I get SMP but have no job to go back to.

OP posts:
scubadub · 22/02/2021 20:43

@minniepink then why are you not just returning to your previous job??

scubadub · 22/02/2021 20:43

Why no job to go back to??

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 20:45

It wasn’t really commutable from DPs and also was a senior role. I wouldn’t have been able to do it with a baby.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 22/02/2021 20:47

I know that karma. But I still feel it’s a bit pointless to get a minimum wage type job in something I don’t really want to do and won’t help my future just for the sake of it.

Believe me, I thought the same. I’m a former university lecturer, I never thought that I would end up working as a cleaner at some point after the split (and that I was so massively grateful for the job as it kept our heads over the water, enabled me to get tax credit and provided the much needed recent reference I needed to crawl myself back into the career ladder. We are fine now, but it has taken years to get back to a more relaxed situation.

PADH · 22/02/2021 20:48

I'm a SAHM and I hate it

scubadub · 22/02/2021 20:51

With all due respect @minniepink plenty of women hold down senior roles with babies/children. I really think you did yourself a huge disservice by giving up a good job to live in your DP's house and have a baby all whilst not being married. Seems you gave up everything and he gave up nothing??

VodselForDinner · 22/02/2021 20:51

@minniepink

Why vodsel? Both I suppose. I get SMP but have no job to go back to.
What does your boyfriend think about you being a SAHM? If he’s supportive, he’ll surely see the need for you to protect yourself via marriage first?

Apologies if it sounds like I was saying he didn’t want your baby, that wasn’t my intention. I’m just thinking that, from his perspective, he’s gone from having a working girlfriend and not having children by choice, to now being expected to finance a family of four.
It’s a big change.

Heronwatcher · 22/02/2021 20:55

Can’t you relocate to somewhere closer to your old job with your DP (get somewhere in the middle together). Also don’t assume a senior role won’t be do-able with a child, if you share nursery drop offs and pick ups in some ways senior roles are easier because you have people to delegate to. Plus quite a bit is being done from home now. Especially if you want another child, financially you’d be better keeping your old job as if you don’t go back at all you’ll have to pay your additional maternity pay back and you would need to be in a new job for a while (a year I think) before you’ll qualify for maternity pay at all.

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 20:56

Very foolish as not married.

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 20:56

It wasn’t doable with a baby scub. Maybe those women are better women than me. Who knows. But maybe just trust I know my old job and situation?

vodsel why do you keep saying ‘boyfriend’? It was actually him who said he’d be happy with me being a SAHP.

OP posts:
HeidiHaughton · 22/02/2021 20:57

Putting all your finances in someone else's hands is too risky for me. I'd get any job I could and try to progress rather than give up and stay at home doing nothing.

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 21:01

It was actually him who said he’d be happy with me being a SAHP.

Of course he did! He gets the best of both worlds with a single thing changing for him. Her indoors playing the Wifey and him being the Family Man without the ring or commitment. Her doing all the donkey work, not paying into her pension, no legal protection for her in the event the relationship breaks down/he leaves/cheats/dies, he pays the mortgage so when the relationship ends then you're not entitled to as much as he, his career progresses and you become less and less employable, he has you beholden to him for everything, no legal recourse for you.

Nope. Don't be another woman who sleepwalks into yet another of these situations. 'DP' means nothing in law - it means live in boyfriend.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2021 21:02

It was actually him who said he’d be happy with me being a SAHP.

There’s no risk to him. The risk is to you, and your baby.

It’s not just about the two of you splitting up, what if he has an accident or illness and can’t work, or dies? Do you have wills? Do you have a mortgage on your property or is it paid off?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2021 21:03

@HeidiHaughton

Putting all your finances in someone else's hands is too risky for me. I'd get any job I could and try to progress rather than give up and stay at home doing nothing.
Staying at home doing nothing but sole care of a baby all day every day? Hmm
Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 21:06

My mortgage is paid off.

Taking care of a baby isn’t ‘nothing’, I’m busier - and happier, incidentally - than I’ve ever been. But I am obviously thinking about my future too.

OP posts:
HeidiHaughton · 22/02/2021 21:07

Have you added up the costs of not working while being an unpaid housekeeper for your boyfriend who can leave you high and dry at any time?

Original poster
minniepink · 22/02/2021 21:09

What is with these ‘boyfriend’ references? Just trying to upset me?! It isn’t, it’s just making me think how odd some people are.

OP posts:
TierFourTears · 22/02/2021 21:09

Becomming a SAHP (when the kids were 6 and 4 years old) was the best thing for DH's career, best thing for the kids, and pretty catastrophic for my career. I'm now earning less than half my 2015 salary (further reduced because of the hours).

WhoStoleMyCheese · 22/02/2021 21:09

Being a SAHM without preperation and forethought is unwise.. not being a SAHM in itself

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