To be a SAHM

[minniepink]

I’m having no luck with interviews and seriously considering just accepting and embracing life as a SAHM. But is it really as unwise as Mn make it out to be?

Explain to DP that either:
You and he pay nursery (£50 a day x 20 / month), split all household jobs & admin and drop offs and pick ups so that you can apply for and work a full time job.
Or
You spend the next few years as primary career while taking a career break. As a career break also means a pension / progression / salary break, you’d need to be married to do this.

There are, of course, many options C,D,E etc but most are hard to arrange once the baby has been born. Eg reducing hours in an established workplace to keep your career ticking over etc.

If you can afford it do it. I work and I hate it . I work 25 hours per week and it's purely because my OHs wage wouldn't cover the bills alone .

I'm married, gave up work when DD was 4 as I was making myself ill trying to do everything once she went to school. (Was okay while she was at nursery, but school made things impossible for me.)

I wish I'd never given up work. I feel like I'll never work again and I'm trapped in a loveless marriage I can't afford to leave.

OP being a SAHM is a good decision only if both people are onboard with it. And have gotten all their ducks in a row such as being married, access to joint income, plans if the sole income earner becomes unable to work etc. Also as pp have mentioned not everyone is suited to becoming one.
You sound like you are only considering it as you can't get a job. What subject do you teach out of curiosity? Have you spoken to your DP about this?

You’re probably right about that plant although in the interests of fairness it’s probably me not DP!

Yes, I didn't mean to imply otherwise. It's all about what your own mind does to your self esteem as a SAHM and not necessarily your DP (although there are some stinkers out there I must say! Not saying yours is one!).

I'd look into private tutoring. You can set yourself up to do lessons over zoom.

Re sahm, I was for a while but would not have been had we not been married. You have to think carefully about what you are giving up to be a sham and be sure your partner is fully on board and understands and respects the fact you are making a fair contribution to the family unit that is worth as much as cash! Consider things like pension contributions - should be a household expense, for example. Life insurance is important. Etc.

Love, romance and happily ever after are all well and good but it's the practicalities that matter most.

Find a job, any job, even if it’s beneath you and get some financial independence.

I hate that stupid argument. Would you be financially independent with a minimum wage job? I certainly wouldn't. Taking "any job" is not helpful.
No need to have a chip on your shoulder, it's not about jobs being "beneath" anyone it's about simple maths.

If I lose my current role, take a minimum wage role - even full-time, and DH dumps me, I am completely screwed financially.

Yes, we have spoken about it but he isn’t a teacher so doesn’t really ‘get it.’ He’s fairly easygoing. Happy with whatever makes me happy.

I teach English.

It would be pointless getting a job that left us as a family worse off. It isn’t about it being beneath me but recognising that while we/I don’t mind breaking even for a while it’s another thing to actually lose money.

Sometimes taking a lower paid job or even losing money to pay childcare is worth it to keep your foot in the door of work. Think of it as a long term investment. A few years of pain when you’re mostly just working to pay the childminder in order to get some long term gain. You’ll also keep on building up pension contributions which is really important.

I was a SAHM mum for 10 years, although I did freelance at a creative job that paid buttons but still gave me something to put on my CV. But I was married to a man who thinks of the money he earns as family money, who paid my NI contributions and set up a savings account in my name. He has always been appreciative of my unpaid work and has said he could never have earned as much as he did if I hadn't done everything with the kids and our home. He is a good man and it is a true partnership. In your situation, no way! Keep at the job hunting, OP, something will come up. I was applying for jobs the last couple of years and not even getting a rejection letter. I have been freelancing again for the last month in a non-creative job I had before my children and it is brilliant! But if you had talked to me two months ago I would have been in a pit of despair.

Sorry, I should have said 'am' married, not 'was'!

I honestly find it hard to believe as a couple you would actually lose money paying childcare with a teacher's salary, even in the SE.

I didn’t say we would

How long have you been out of work OP??

Not married? With kids? Keep trying to get that job. You cannot risk your financial security without a legal back up.

Personally, my relationship with my ex went pear shaped when I became a SAHM. Suddenly I was no longer the person he fell in love with and I resented how patronised he became with time. The only thing that saved me and DS was that I had a marriage certificate, which forced him to support me until I could stand on my own feet and provide for DS.

I understand how frustrating and demoralising job hunting can be so if you are feeling down and overwhelmed by the lack of success, forget about applying for jobs for two weeks and then try again (and repeat as needed)

I would have thought teacher posts would have been available as many decided not to continue when covid came along.

There’s plenty of careers teaching lends itself too, I wouldn’t not work because the perfect job wasn’t available. Even if it meant a lower salary for a short while.

It depends what you want long term. You've got another 30 or so years or working life ahead of you. If you want to work again then no, I honestly don't think you should be a SAHM. It's incredibly hard to get back into the workforce after a few years off, and it will be even harder over the next couple of years (in the wake of COVID and Brexit). Work part-time, even if it's something not related to your degree, but keep a toe in the world of work.

I think that financially you’re looking at this too simplistically too. For a start childcare costs should be shared 50/50 so unless you are earning less than 50% of your childcare costs you are not losing money. Secondly you also have to take into account your pension contributions, your national insurance contributions and your future earning potential (basically if you stay in work in 10 years you could be earning a lot more than if you give up). And there are some government schemes, such as tax free childcare which are only available where two parents work. Plus by the time your child turns 3 they will get 15 hours free child care. So although it might be tight think of the 2 years (between 1 and 3) as almost a loss leader. I know it is miserable looking for jobs but teaching is such a brilliant option for people with kids you would be utterly mad to give it up. I am sure you’ll find something part time if you keep looking- I am sure loads of schools will recruit once things get back to normal. Or as others have said, set yourself up as a tutor and do evenings and weekends to fit in with your partner. Also have you looked at all childcare options, such as childminders, as well as different nurseries? There can be a massive difference in price. Or could your partner do compressed hours, or take one day a week as leave (then use parental leave for holidays) so he does one day a week? You don’t need to accept that this is the only option.

Please don't even consider this without being married. At the end of the day marriage is a contract, no romance necessary. It's an important contract that protects you and everyone else in the family.

I was an unmarried sahm and wouldn't recommend it to any woman, unless she is independently wealthy.

I agree with you it does sound a bit cynical to marry for financial reasons just in case we split up, but honestly you are taking a great leap of faith on someone else when you do this. No matter how well you know them, or how much you think "things won't be like that for us", it can all turn very different once there is a baby on the scene and one of you suddenly is entirely financially dependent on the other. It ended very badly for me, so I really would not recommend another woman put herself at risk of getting into that position.

Childcare costs are 50/50 but even so if as a family we lose money it’s pointless.

It’s not about not having the perfect job icecream. Just I’m struggling to get any job!

I stopped work when I had DC, in November.

The other downside of becoming an unmarried SAHM is that if the relationship turns sour you cannot afford to leave.

If you have the means to support yourself off your own back then do it.

You only pay childcare for 3 years, a 3 year gap at your age may become, in some occasions, the end of your working life.

Just take a rest and start trying again for a job in a few weeks.