To be a SAHM

[minniepink]

I’m having no luck with interviews and seriously considering just accepting and embracing life as a SAHM. But is it really as unwise as Mn make it out to be?

@minniepink

Dp earns enough, but obviously we are better off if we are both working.

What is enough though? Enough to secure enough pension for retirement? Enough to buy a decent house? For a family holiday? To save in case of emergencies? If so then yes be a SAHM.

@minniepink

Because it’s just so I can benefit financially. Different if we were both working.

No, it's to protect you should the worst happen. It's a legal contract. Being a sahm is brilliant, but obviously something you decide with your partner. It's brilliant to have the freedom from not working, but make sure the finances are all shared, rather than being given housekeeping, that must be awful.

You can’t be a sahm if you are unmarried unless you have a private income or a cast iron profession you can quickly and confidently get back too. Otherwise it’s insane.

How old are your children?

What's your situation? Renting, DC in school? Do you already have savings and a pension? Imagine yourself at 45 with no career experience on your CV, no pension apart from the state one and renting. How do you feel? It's possible to start from scratch at that age and carve out security for yourself. But I wouldn't advise it.

@minniepink

Because it’s just so I can benefit financially. Different if we were both working.

Funny attitude. This does not sound like a good relationship. Are you a team or not? Do you provide jointly for your child whether that is through direct childcare or paying for childcare?

Only a baby anne and would like another.

I do have a private income but not really enough to live on. I have always worked, just it’s a tough field at the moment.

Why is it a funny attitude? I just mean I’d feel odd about essentially saying ‘marry me so I can access your money if we split.’

I think it also depends if your job is a job or career. I worked hard to get where I was pre children I’d never want to waste my degree, experience and passion to look after children full time when for me the balance of part time working works great. It’s up to you and I understand if people aren’t bothered about work and can afford it it would be tempting. Definitely if not financially secure and married though. What if you broke up when you’re 65? You’d have to live off just state pension the rest of your life which is very little.

It's a funny attitude because you don't value yourself at all. You don't think your time and commitment to raising a child is important enough to ask for your fair share of the family income.

He couldn't earn that income if you weren't providing childcare. It's a joint effort. You can't do that if you're not married as it makes you vulnerable. If he's any sort of decent person he will get it straight away.

I think if you absolutely want to be SAHM and can afford to do so, then do it.

However, if in the future you want to go back to work, just beware how long a gap you might have on your CV. My friend has been an SAHM for 8 years so far and has another 8 months or so to go until their toddler is at pre-school full-time. So she's started looking around and finding it really difficult to get her foot in the door.

Speaking personally I have a toddler and am currently working the bare minimum I'm allowed to by my employer (2 days a week) just to keep my career ticking over, so that when my toddler is in full-time education I can put my foot back on the gas again. I'm in a position where I could be an SAHM thanks to my husband's salary but I'm worried about re-starting my career at the end of it. So I'm a SAHM 5 days a week instead (that's how I think of it).

Part time would be perfect but this is the issue! I’m struggling to find anything, never mind the elusive PT position!

I hope so mrs thanks for explaining

Understand the dilemma, OP, and agree it's not particularly romantic to propose marriage as part of a job discussion!

That said I do agree with PPs that you will be better off having the security of marriage before giving up your financial independence.

I hated it. I can't sugar coat it fro. My perspective, it really wasn't for me.

I had limited income, we didn't have shared accounts, there was SO much pressure on DH. We didn't plan on me being a SAHM it happened due to covid.

It was the most miserable and low I've ever been, I had no independence and I lost my self worth.

That said, this was because we hadn't prepared for the situation and covid made things horrendously worse. I wasn't mentally prepared and we weren't financially ready.

I loved the time with my DS and I'm grateful for the bond we have, but my mental health suffered immensely.

I’m worried about that as well crispy

If you become a SAHM when you’re not married then you’re basically just unemployed. You have no pension, no security, no assets, no certainty and very little chance of being able to get a decent job when you need to. And you risk ending up literally homeless.

How people can sleep at night when they put themselves in that level of risk is beyond me. Honestly you’re going to bed every night with the realisation that tomorrow you could be out on the streets, begging the local authority to put you in a hostel.

What can you do / what are your skills? Could/can you support yourself?

Marriage is a contract, if anything, designed to protect children (and hereditary lands and titles and political allegiances, but I'm assuming you're not minor European royalty).

You don’t say “marry me so I can access your income if we split”.

You say “I’m really not getting anywhere with getting a job. What do you think about me being a SAHM, taking on major (but not all) responsibility for non-income producing work for this family while you take on responsibility for earning and, given that isn’t a 24/7 occupation, some of the other work? If you agree to it, I’d need to be married though because ultimately I’d be financially dependent on you which isn’t good for anyone in the event of a split, least of all our kids. It’s a big change and we should both go into it having thought through all the options. If you don’t agree to it, that’s fine too and I’ll keep looking”.

Not quite on I do have a home. But yes I take your points.

What would you do if in the future your partner has an affair, or turns nasty (it happens), or decide to be tight with money? What if he is ill or, worse, dies suddenly? What if he has a breakdown and can’t work? What if you fall for someone else? Or if you need to pay for something expensive, such as care home for parents, or private school fees? If you have good answers to these things then consider it, but not without your name on all joint assets and an agreement re spending money. Also don’t underestimate the power shift which comes from one part of a couple financially holding all the cards- for some of my friends staying at home has worked reasonably well but the earner definitely gets first dibs when it comes to luxuries and they have to negotiate with their partner far more than I would ever be happy to.

I told my husband there was no way on earth I was having a baby with him at the expense of my career unless we were married. I’m romantic like that.

It doesn’t have to be for ever, you could be a SAHM and get back into work in a few years. I became a SAHM by accident due to being made redundant while pregnant with baby no. 2. I had 5.5 years as a SAHM and had a third baby during that time. I spent most of that time worrying that I would never get back into work but I did get back into it very easily (quite specialised area of engineering). The job I ended up getting was advertised as full time but I asked in the interview if they would consider part time and they agreed.

Being totally honest it was me desperate for a baby. He does love dd but he agreed to have her mainly to make me happy. So that feels like a factor too.

What do you normally do OP and how old are you?

I was a teacher. I’m 39.