To be a SAHM

[minniepink]

I’m having no luck with interviews and seriously considering just accepting and embracing life as a SAHM. But is it really as unwise as Mn make it out to be?

@minniepink

It isn’t that he was ‘meh’ about having kids. It is more that he was happy either way. Again, my own Dad was the same - had children because my mum wanted to and turned out to be a brilliant dad. It’s just that because of that I don’t feel I can say ‘I am looking after YOUR child’ (although I am!) when it’s me who really wanted this.

I wouldn’t go down that road!

He didn’t have to agree. He made the choice to say yes!

I did it and haven’t regretted the quality time I spent with my children but it ruined my career. As a nurse I lost my registration. I’m now looking at doing a course to get back into it now the kids are a bit older.

You say his mortgage is paid off but what about yours? If its unoccupied could you rent it out so you have some sort of income coming in?

No arrietty I didn’t. My mortgage is paid off; his is not. It is rented out and that money plus SMP plus Dp is what I live on. Also DP does all the shopping, pays all the bills, so really I’m not badly off.

@minniepink

I disagree with all the doom and gloom posters. You don't have a job to go back to, you're enjoying being a SAHM and plan to try for a second baby soon. There seems little point in getting another job at present unless a dream job or suitable part time job comes along.

I was in a similar position when I had my first dd in that we weren't married, each owned a property and I moved in with DP. I rented out my house and went very part time after I had DD. We didn't marry until after having our 2nd DD and 14 years later I still work part time.

I've loved being at home with my dd's and have no intention of working full time again, if possible. I'd definitely discuss getting married (unless your property is worth massively more than your partners) but honestly I'd just do what makes you happy. The years fly by and you might regret not spending time with your children but highly unlikely you'll regret not working more.

My sister was a SAHM for 20 years. She does not have anywhere near 30 years of pension contributions. I dont know what she is going to live on when she retires. It terrifies me. She is just so vulnerable.

Thanks merci

It’s hard to know what to do. I’m a bit wary of just taking any job and being miserable. On the other hand I obviously don’t want to end my career altogether!

Sorry OP I mis read. Well it seems like you have your own money coming in so it's not like you're going to be completely financially dependent on him. I think you should just talk to him about the risks and benefits to you being a SAHM?

Why is the cost of child care entirely down to the impact on your salary? Is it not both of you paying for it so you can both work?

I think a different way to approach the marriage question with dp is that you are both making an investment into your child; your part of it is by not working for a period and you should both want to protect you in that situation. It's about being equals with equal rights to housing, finances etc. Marriage gives you some protection in that sense.

I remember having a conversation with DH when I was expecting dc2 (and financially it made sense for me to give up work). Even though we were/are married I felt "exposed" by the prospect of not having my own income. I trust/ed him 100% but I still felt that exposure. My DH and your dp should not want you to feel like that.

I understand what you're saying about work at the moment. I now teach maths part time for an Education Health Team (used to be commonly called home and hospital). I got the job 11m after having dc2 because I was bored not working and concerned that I didn't want to get out of the loop career wise. It's less than I'd earn working in a school but it fits around school runs, child illnesses etc and is ideal with 2 preschool children. The hourly rate is M6, I can dictate my hours and only have to do 100 hours a year (though in reality I could work full time if I wanted to). It's mostly 1-1 teaching so very easy planning and marking wise. There may be a similar service run by the council where you are. Normally I'd supplement with exam marking but obviously that hasn't happened for the last year.

Pearson are also recruiting for online tutors (mostly maths and English) at the moment for the government's catch-up program (not sure of the pay).

If you're applying for lower level teacher Jobs I think you need to be clear I'm your application why you're applying for a lower level. Honesty will be fine for most employers.

@minniepink

Mumsnet is def not the place to ask advice about being a SAHM, even if you were married the majority would advise against it.

If you didn't own a property I'd definitely think twice about putting yourself in what could be a vulnerable position. But as it is worse case scenario if your dp leaves you or you want to leave him you would not be destitute.

Only you and your dp know what will work best for you but if you're wanting to try for another baby I really don't think taking a year, or even a few years out, will end your career.

Yes heidi but it if still leaves us worse off as a family then it is pointless.

(Made up numbers) if you look at it like this.

DP - earns £4500 per month after tax etc.
I earn £800 per month after tax if I get a minimum wage job.

Nursery is £1000.

DP and I together earn £5300 minus £1000 for nursery is £4300. But if I’m not working, it’s £4500. Plus other costs such as petrol, etc.

And yes, have been totally honest in applications but unfortunately there have been a lot of people shortlisted for the posts and schools do tend to prefer to appoint NQTs, I find.

But the cost of not working is significant. That has to be taken into account too, especially since you're not in a legally recognized relationship. I like many others have seen friends screwed over by arrangements where a woman puts her financial footing on dodgy ground for the sake of a few years of child care.

Well, it depends on the type of job.

A secure well paid job, yes.

I haven't read the full thread.

Mumsnet generally isn't kind to anyone wanting to be a SAHM Op.

My situation is a bit different (I had two wee ones a year apart and I am married) but I fully understand what you say about offsetting household income against childcare costs - I felt that the added stress to household life wasn't worth it as our household finances would be (for a limited period) the same whether I worked or not.

Mine are just-3 and nearly-2... I was due to go back to work in late April but lockdown/ no childcare/ even with childcare the costs would outweigh my earnings. So I decided to be a SAHM until we've moved and the youngest turns 3.

A lot of the time it's very hard (lack of sleep, the relentless of two, lockdown) and I'm looking forward to getting back to work BUT I strongly feel that this is a privilege and I'm lucky to have this time with them. The time really does go very fast and they aren't little for long.

I think if you're going to do it, trying to "keep your hand in" even in a really small way is a good idea, or having a plan of when/how you can go back.

Listen if you want to be a SAHM and you can do it, just do it. Other people's judgement doesn't matter and in any case it seems you have private income and a paid off house so you're unlikely to find yourself in a financial pickle.

Just don't do it because it's easier or the path of least resistance right now because I can tell you from experience it isn't easier in the long run. And actually I do regret not working more because my life would be better now quite honestly. You're just postponing - and growing - the difficulty you're having now.

Ideally, I would want to work part time. Ideally.

But things are rarely ideal. I’m looking for work (which isn’t easy with such a young baby) and have had some interviews, but I’m thinking of a plan B.

@minniepink

I’m starting to feel as if I’m in the witness box, not starting a MN thread!

‘Boyfriend’ is casual. Someone who you have a child with, share a home with, is not really a casual relationship but if it really matters to you then sure carry on calling him my ‘boyfriend.’ It’s fairly transparent though.

Have you ever given MN so much as a cursory read before OP? Surely you must have done to decide it’s worth seeking advice here?

You’re coming across a little goady. That’s all I’ll say on the matter...

Was there not an option of going part time or job sharing at the school you were in OP??

No clip. Besides, it wasn’t commutable really. I’d have been driving for an hour and a half each way. (Yes, I’m sure some people do it but I really couldn’t - the only way to have got childcare would be to have had a nursery place near my school and I’m really not sure I’d have been happy with a baby spending three hours in a car five days a week.)

That’s interesting cold as I feel some replies have been deliberately goady. Perhaps it just depends on your perspective?

Why did your boyfriend not opt to do the commute OP??

My “boyfriend” doesn’t work there, clip

Anyway, thanks for the comments. Will have to have a think about possible next moves. I’ll leave it there as just too many idiots!