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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friend of a friend is being weird about

412 replies

letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 10:36

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 20/02/2021 10:53

I think you're overthinking it. She just wants to put the place and the memories to bed...to say goodbye to them. She'll just walk around probably....and have her thoughts. You don't HAVE to let her though...I personally would.
I had an elderly couple ask to come round our last house as he'd grown up there and they spent the early part of their marriage there.

I let them...they had tea and cake on my lawn afterwards and told me about their memories.

Original poster
letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 10:58

@FortunesFave yeah I know what you mean. I think I’m concerned that something terrible has happened in the house and she’ll off load that and I’ll still have to live in the house knowing what’s happened.

I guess I feel like if she feels that strongly that she wants back into the house then it won’t be something trivial.

OP posts:
lemorella · 20/02/2021 11:34

I don't think your overthinking it.

It's not her house anymore and you don't owe her anything. If you don't want her wandering around just say no.

You aren't her therapy.

FightingTheFoo · 20/02/2021 11:44

Yeah I wouldn't allow it. My childhood home was sold a few years ago under difficult circumstances and my bitch of a mother wouldn't let me have a few minutes alone in my room to sort of say goodbye. It's now owned by someone else but I wouldn't want to go in there now to say "goodbye" even if I had the opportunity because it probably looks completely different.

rivertoskateaway · 20/02/2021 11:47

Not quite the same but I would love to go back to my paternal grandparents old house, just to look around and reflect now that my grandparents and dad have passed - so many happy memories there.

Bluntness100 · 20/02/2021 11:51

I’d let her do this, especially if it helps her. Sometimes we all need a little help. I’d say if it was something bad though for your friend to tell her you don’t want to know. Also maybe the friend can come too.

Likely the house looks very different to when she lived there.

But yeah, I’d help her. I can’t imagine saying no.

CruCru · 20/02/2021 11:59

Realistically she won’t be there very long. Let her come and look at the house.

If she turns up with a cockerel and an exorcism kit then turn her away.

VettiyaIruken · 20/02/2021 12:05

Maybe seeing it look so different might stop it being the monster (for want of a better word) she remembers and she'll see it's just a house and it might help her move forward from whatever happened in that house.

If you do decide to let her in, you could tell your friend to tell her she can come but you don't want her to tell you anything about the history.

VettiyaIruken · 20/02/2021 12:07

Or depending on restrictions at the time, you could go out and let her go round with your friend.

But at the end of the day it's your house and your decision. You have to feel ok with it.

ThePlantsitter · 20/02/2021 12:10

I wouldn't and don't blame you for not wanting to. I think it's just really your call and it's ok to say no if you don't want to. I'm sure the house is significant in her life but it's your home now and that's not less important.

fairfat40 · 20/02/2021 12:14

I think I’d be a bit pissed off at somebody trying to spoil my enjoyment of my new home by telling me they had bad memories. Personally, I would speak strongly to Nicola about that regardless of whether Allison comes round.

covetingthepreciousthings · 20/02/2021 12:15

This is a difficult one, I'm not sure what I'd do, but I don't think you should feel bad if you don't agree to it.

I think I'd just be worried that the friend may offload and then whatever the bad memories are might then taint your feelings towards your new home - depending on what happened in it. Of course she might not, but I'd find it a bit upsetting to move into a new home and find out awful things had happened in it.

I wonder if it might be an idea (if you decided to go ahead) to let her but not be in the house at the same time? Not sure if that's a practical suggestion though.

AdventureIsWaiting · 20/02/2021 12:16

[quote letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]@FortunesFave yeah I know what you mean. I think I’m concerned that something terrible has happened in the house and she’ll off load that and I’ll still have to live in the house knowing what’s happened.

I guess I feel like if she feels that strongly that she wants back into the house then it won’t be something trivial.[/quote]
I agree with you OP. Politely decline. You don't know what it was and it's likely taking this action will be a very emotional time for her - the chances of her offloading something are very high. Meanwhile she can walk out and say goodbye, and you're left there knowing what happened.

Original poster
letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 12:56

I should add that the house is really not that different to when she lived there. The couple whom we purchased the house from were elderly when they bought it from Alison’s family and really didn’t change anything. It’s still got the same kitchen, bathrooms and decor in many places so it isn’t going to be different to when she lived there.

We have lots of plans for the house but it’ll take a lot of time for the house to look different.

I spoke again with my husband briefly and we’ve decided to say no. I sent a message to Nicola and said it won’t be happening for the reasons I’ve given on here. I think there’s a difference in wanting to see your childhood home out of curiosity and then wanting to see it because you have major issues with your childhood/adolescence.

I’m waiting on a response but I was very definite that it wouldn’t be happening.

OP posts:
PorcelainCatStack · 20/02/2021 17:28

Good luck OP. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with it either. One thing for a jolly look around and fun memories. Something else for her to confront her demons in what is now your home.

Hope you get a reply soon.

emilyfrost · 20/02/2021 17:54

YANBU. I wouldn’t allow it either; her issues are her own and it’s not on for her to put it on you when you’ve just bought a new house.

Ownerofmultiplechimps · 20/02/2021 18:18

I’d say no in this case tbh honest op, it’s slightly less odd because you at least know her but if it’s bad memories & not much has changed I don’t think it would be of benefit to anyone. Speaking from a similar experience(I live in the house I grew up in & had some bad experiences too) the associated feelings only completely went after we changed things & made it our own. Enjoy your home & making it so, you’re not obligated to help someone else deal with their feelings however bad they may be.

MasterBeth · 20/02/2021 18:30

I would let Alison round. Why wouldn’t you? Be nice.

bloodyhairy · 20/02/2021 18:30

I'm an obliging sort generally, but would say no to this.
Talk about putting a dampener on your new home!!
No way.

nursejekyll · 20/02/2021 18:33

Would it have been possible for her to have looked around the house when it was advertised for sale? How does she know that you bought it op? It sounds odd. I think you have done the right thing.

mootymoo · 20/02/2021 18:33

Bag memories could mean many things eg did her parents divorce so she means that she remembers the arguments then one day she was collected from school and taken to live elsewhere never to return? This happened to a friend of mine and she longed to say goodbye to her old room and buried pet.

Bluntness100 · 20/02/2021 18:44

That’s a shame op. It’s likely there was some abuse in thr home and she just wants to put it to rest. It’s highly unlikely she’d want to tell you. And it’s easy to make sure she doesn’t.

It’s very sad you denied her closure when it would cost you nothing.

saraclara · 20/02/2021 18:52

Both friends were extremely insensitive. Sowing that seed of 'something bad happened' is a really cruel thing to do to someone who's just bought a home.

If you get any pushback from either of them, you should make that very clear.

FloydWasACat · 20/02/2021 18:57

I wouldn't, sorry

LesCuriousCat · 20/02/2021 19:03

No, no and no!

What are you supposed to do? Allow her to have time to walk around YOUR home and all your belongings whilst you wait elsewhere?

She's being far too vague for it to even warrant considering.