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Original poster

to think friend of a friend is being weird about

412 replies

letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 10:36

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

OP posts:
MustardMitt · 20/02/2021 19:05

I’d be fine with it, but then I don’t place any significance on things that have happened when someone else lived there.

Thisisaterribleplay · 20/02/2021 19:36

I would say no, too. It's a CF think to ask for imo.

Original poster
letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar · 20/02/2021 20:04

@nursejekyll she knows because my friend Nicola told her.

Nicola got back to me this evening to say that Alison is upset that we have said no. I responded to Nicola to say that whilst I understand Alison is upset, this is my home and my husband and children’s and a happy one at that and I can’t allow anyone to spoil that for them. I said that the fact that there’s no disclosure about what went on and no details about what she plans to do have made me and DH uncomfortable. I also said that our feelings won’t change on the subject and the matter is closed for us.

OP posts:
chillidoritto · 20/02/2021 20:14

I'd have let her but I can see how the bad memories complicate matters. I would love to look at my child hood home again but not to lay any ghosts to rest, just for the memory I guess!

nursejekyll · 20/02/2021 20:19

Nicola sounds like a bit of a stirrer.

covetingthepreciousthings · 20/02/2021 20:21

Think you've made the right decision OP.

billy1966 · 20/02/2021 20:23

@saraclara

Both friends were extremely insensitive. Sowing that seed of 'something bad happened' is a really cruel thing to do to someone who's just bought a home.

If you get any pushback from either of them, you should make that very clear.

This.
billy1966 · 20/02/2021 20:24

Oh an I would be seriously unimpressed with Nicola🙄

BlueThistles · 20/02/2021 20:27

@lemorella

I don't think your overthinking it.

It's not her house anymore and you don't owe her anything. If you don't want her wandering around just say no.

You aren't her therapy.

THIS ....

Do not let either of them come round

Congratulations on your new home OP 🌺

partyatthepalace · 20/02/2021 20:28

No I think that’s odd. If she just wanted a nosey fine, but you don’t want someone coming in and having an odd reaction in your home. So I would just say no, I don’t feel comfortable with that, and leave it at that.

BlueThistles · 20/02/2021 20:29

[quote letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]@nursejekyll she knows because my friend Nicola told her.

Nicola got back to me this evening to say that Alison is upset that we have said no. I responded to Nicola to say that whilst I understand Alison is upset, this is my home and my husband and children’s and a happy one at that and I can’t allow anyone to spoil that for them. I said that the fact that there’s no disclosure about what went on and no details about what she plans to do have made me and DH uncomfortable. I also said that our feelings won’t change on the subject and the matter is closed for us.[/quote]

Good on you OP ... 🌺

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 20/02/2021 20:29

Is it not worse knowing something bad happened without knowing what? I think that would bother me more. In reality the bad thing might not be as bad as you imagine IUSWIM.

I probably would let them but a strange situation to be in either way. Congratulations on your new home

PorcelainCatStack · 20/02/2021 20:30

I think it’s even weirder that she’s told you she’s upset. Pretty fucking entitled!
If you’d said yes then she’d have been lucky. If you said no (as you have) she doesn’t have a right to tell you she’s upset as the house is not hers to make demands on.
Just reaffirms you were right to say no as far too much negative emotion going on. It’s your happy home now so keep past negativity out. Especially the CF variety.

FionnulaTheCooler · 20/02/2021 20:31

I think you've handled it well, OP, you're better off not getting involved with that whole situation.

BrumBoo · 20/02/2021 20:31

@saraclara

Both friends were extremely insensitive. Sowing that seed of 'something bad happened' is a really cruel thing to do to someone who's just bought a home.

If you get any pushback from either of them, you should make that very clear.

I agree with this. I understand associating bad memories with a place, but seeing it again won't bring closure, if anything it risks bringing back some really horrible things. The op isn't a therapist, and has no obligation to run some sort of healing sanctuary from her box room Hmm. The friend and the affected woman are taking the piss as they know the op, I highly doubt the latter would knock on the door if it had been sold to a randomer.

I absolutely agree they had no right to give you any 'bad feelings' about your home or what may have occurred there. It's bricks and mortar, not a gateway to the past.

Howshouldibehave · 20/02/2021 20:33

I would have cut out Nicola completely and told her to give Alison my phone number/email and she could contact me with what she wanted to do.

You’ve said no now though, so problem is solved.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 20/02/2021 20:33

I'd let her come round. You literally dont have to do anything but open the door; it won't affect you in any way but sounds like it may really help her. Unless your house is modern, lots of shit and amazing things will have already happened in your house. Births, deaths, war, fights, parties. I think it's odd that you're more worried about her memories of the house somehow adversely affecting you.

CherryColouredTwist · 20/02/2021 20:34

Both friends were extremely insensitive. Sowing that seed of 'something bad happened' is a really cruel thing to do to someone who's just bought a home.

Yes. If Nicola and Alison had any consideration at all, they would have said that she just wanted to come round out of curiosity to see how the old place had changed. There was no need to put all the emphasis on her bad memories of the house and the things that happened there to make it so.

We used to live in a very distinctive house in a popular location and were asked several times by local people that had never been inside if they could see and on occasion people that had lived there before. I didn’t mind that but had a person told me something bad had happened to them there and they needed to come inside, I definitely would have been very uneasy. We all know our houses have past lives but it’s fully acceptable not to want to know about awful things that may have happened there.

Alienchannell21 · 20/02/2021 20:35

No I wouldn't either. Different if she had said she just wanted to have a look for memories sake. But the fact that shes said bad memories, no. I wouldn't want her to stain my view of the house.

Ileflottante · 20/02/2021 20:36

Hmm. It’s your new home. I wouldn’t fancy someone wandering about exorcising their own demons, it would rather take the edge off. I’d not engage over it.

rawalpindithelabrador · 20/02/2021 20:38

@fairfat40

I think I’d be a bit pissed off at somebody trying to spoil my enjoyment of my new home by telling me they had bad memories. Personally, I would speak strongly to Nicola about that regardless of whether Allison comes round.
This! She's got a cheek. I'd tell Nicola I said for Alison to see a fucking therapist if she has bad memories; my house isn't there to rehabilitate her.
BrumBoo · 20/02/2021 20:39

it won't affect you in any way but sounds like it may really help her.

How do you know this? How does anyone know that Alison won't burst into tears or feel the need to offload? It could be awkward at best, disturbing at worse. It's an odd request to begin with, without letting in a near stranger to your house so they can spend 30 minutes walking around forlornly. What is the op and her family meant to do in the time? Hide in the shed whilst Auntie A does as she please?

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 20/02/2021 20:40

"I absolutely agree they had no right to give you any 'bad feelings' about your home or what may have occurred there. It's bricks and mortar, not a gateway to the past."

Exactly its bricks and mortar. It cant hurt the OP. Memories are made by what happens to her in the house not what happened before. Its like returning to the scene of a crime, it everyone else it's just a street corner or something but it might really help a victim who has built it up to a street or house of horrors in their mind

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 20/02/2021 20:41

I'd be curious to see either of my childhood homes; I left the area where I grew up in my early twenties, and have no connections there, haven't for years, but if I knew that an an acquaintance had purchased either property I'd probably ask.
I suppose it's her phrasing of “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I do have bad memories of my childhood homes, but the overriding feeling is simple curiosity.

Cosmos123 · 20/02/2021 20:41

Why didnt Alison view it when it on the market to get closure.
I'd find it creepy and unsettling.

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