to think friend of a friend is being weird about

[letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

Given that women are the ones always encouraged to 'be kind' and martyr themselves at the expense of others it's galling to see so many aghast at the OP exercising HER right to not allow people into HER house. Especially when said person has CF levels of entitlement.
We women really are our own worst enemies.

We keep being told on MN that 'no' is a full sentence, yet when an OP actually puts this advice into practice, she's made to feel guilty for not BEING KIND.

@WhoStoleMyCheese

Given that women are the ones always encouraged to 'be kind' and martyr themselves at the expense of others it's galling to see so many aghast at the OP exercising HER right to not allow people into HER house. Especially when said person has CF levels of entitlement. We women really are our own worst enemies.

And what about her husband. He said no, too, thought it was weird, didn't feel comfortable with it, but hey, Alison and her issues should come ahead of both homeowners.

Imagine if a woman posted here that she told her h she didn't feel comfortable having Alison in the house but he didn't listen to her and was inviting her anyhow.

@Yellow78 I would let my friend's friend alone in my house yes, particularly a person I was friendly with in my youth.

@rawalpindithelabrador I'm not sure why a hypothetical situation where her husband doesn't listen to her is relevant. I guess you think you are empowering women by scoffing at all the 'be kind' hypocrites.

It would be a no from me. Give her an inch and before you know it she’s on the doorstep with that Tangina from Poltergeist.

[quote Sillysandy]@rawalpindithelabrador I'm not sure why a hypothetical situation where her husband doesn't listen to her is relevant. I guess you think you are empowering women by scoffing at all the 'be kind' hypocrites.[/quote]
It's relevant because he didn't want her there, either; his opinion matters as much as the OPs but it's the OP who's been told she's unkind. I guess you think you'll twist anything to suit your agenda that the OP is a silly and unkind person for not entertaining a really intrusive and unkind request from someone who's not even a friend .

Having a go at a person and scolding them for being unkind to not allow something they're not uncomfortable with in their own home is pretty, well, not very kind.

@rawalpindithelabrador her husband hasn't posted looking for opinions, that's why he's not being told anything. Again, you seem to believe this don't be kind attitude is somehow empowering women. I disagree. I would have done it, no question. I'm sure my DH would have too. I don't think it's particularly kind, I think it's sort of minimal level kind.

OP’s home is private. It’s absolutely fine to not let someone in.

The previous owner of our house dropped dead in the master bedroom one day. His widow had to sell the house and decided to rent across the road from us. Every time we turn the light on in the bedroom we know she’s watching and thinking ‘that’s where it happened’ - it doesn’t make for a very relaxing time.

[quote Sillysandy]@rawalpindithelabrador her husband hasn't posted looking for opinions, that's why he's not being told anything. Again, you seem to believe this don't be kind attitude is somehow empowering women. I disagree. I would have done it, no question. I'm sure my DH would have too. I don't think it's particularly kind, I think it's sort of minimal level kind.[/quote]
No, he probably never gave it a second thought other than, that's weird, no. The end.

Again, you seem to believe this don't be kind attitude is somehow empowering women.

😂😂😂 Loving the armchair psychological diagnoses here. Do you spend all your free time twisting yourself in knots analysing random internet sprites?

Kindness is a two-way street. Many kind people may have had thoughts like Alison upon hearing the OP bought the house, then thought, 'But it'd be really rude to get someone else to try to ask her if I can use her house to put my own negative feelings at the forefront when she just bought it, it's their family home, I wouldn't want to do that, I think I need to see my therapist to work these feelings out and why I'm having them.' Much less then use the mate as a go between to voice how upset you are you were told no.

@rawalpindithelabrador I've already stated in a previous post I think Nicola was out of line relaying back that Alison was upset.

I don't think I've indulged in any armchair diagnosis. I certainly didn't mean to so apologies if that's how it came across.

I am simply of the opinion that sneering at people for being kind is pretty twattish behaviour. Especially when I don't consider something as insignificant as this to be particularly kind. I consider it a non event.

To be honest if she really wanted to purge her memories she could have done that when the house was up for sale. I think you should stick to your guns. You are totally right to say no.

@Sillysandy I don't think @rawalpindithelabrador or anybody else was sneering at posters for 'being kind'. On this site we have seen many examples of women being forced into situations against their own self-interest because they are socialised into 'being kind'. Situations that a man would have given no second thought to.
And in those situations people are quick to tell them to 'stand up for themselves', 'say no', 'your feelings are important' etc etc.
It's like people just love falling over themselves to have a go at the OP no matter what happens. damned if you do and damned if you don't.

[quote WhoStoleMyCheese]**@Sillysandy* I don't think @rawalpindithelabrador* or anybody else was sneering at posters for 'being kind'. On this site we have seen many examples of women being forced into situations against their own self-interest because they are socialised into 'being kind'. Situations that a man would have given no second thought to.
And in those situations people are quick to tell them to 'stand up for themselves', 'say no', 'your feelings are important' etc etc.
It's like people just love falling over themselves to have a go at the OP no matter what happens. damned if you do and damned if you don't.[/quote]
I'm not sure if the page numbers depend on your device but assuming your post is also on page 16 can you have a look at page 13. There seems to be plenty of be kind sneering going on there and in the page before and after.

I am simply of the opinion that sneering at people for being kind is pretty twattish behaviour. Especially when I don't consider something as insignificant as this to be particularly kind. I consider it a non event.

Exactly. All the hand-wringing, my home, my castle. It would be a total non-event to me, come in, spend 5 mins, sod off, no skin off my nose. Not some ridiculous virtue-signalling opportunity. I mean, who would even know it had happened, other than the immediate parties involved?

Again, moot point - the OP has made her decision.

[quote TatianaBis]@BronwenFrideswide

Well obviously boundaries entail being able to say no.

But feeling ‘uncomfortable’ over such a minor thing indicates poor boundaries of itself. Saying no may make you feel you’ve kept the threat out but it doesn’t strengthen boundaries for the next time.

Healthy boundaries mean you can cope life without ‘feeling uncomfortable’ over minor things. Without feeling you’re ’‘bending over for other while not wanting to be a party to what they do.’(Truly bizarre btw).

You don’t have to say no to so much of life for fear of what might happen.[/quote]
Boundaries are all about saying no if you don't want to do something, doesn't matter why you don't want to do it, it's not unkind not to want to do something you don't want to do.

Of course saying no and having it accepted strengthens boundaries, you've made your decision the matter is closed.

OP and her husband don't want to be party to whatever Alison wants to use their home for, that's not being weak or fearful on the contrary it is deciding what they want and setting strong healthy boundaries that their home is their home and they make the decisions.

omg is this still ongoing 🤣

*TatianaBis

Passenger42
Hell no, the house was sold and has been resold since her family left. You don’t want anything but happy thoughts about your home. The fact she has bad memories is a red flag. A sorry this doesn’t work for me should suffice.
A red flag for what?

The memories are in her head not in the house*

Well, exactly. So why does she want to come to the house then? These memories are in her head, she can go to an appropriately qualified professional to get help dealing with them.

@Five67Eight

I am simply of the opinion that sneering at people for being kind is pretty twattish behaviour. Especially when I don't consider something as insignificant as this to be particularly kind. I consider it a non event.

Exactly. All the hand-wringing, my home, my castle. It would be a total non-event to me, come in, spend 5 mins, sod off, no skin off my nose. Not some ridiculous virtue-signalling opportunity. I mean, who would even know it had happened, other than the immediate parties involved?

Again, moot point - the OP has made her decision.

But remember Alison won’t say what it is she wants to do while in the house. She has given no assurance that it’ll be a 5 min walk-through. Given that ‘something bad’ happened her there, and it’s apparently something so bad that she hasn’t fully dealt with it decades later, and wants to revisit the place it happened to help her deal with it, I don’t think I’m being wildly inaccurate to guess that it’ll be longer than 5 minutes and she may become upset and distressed while there. It’s hardly going to be a trip filled with laughter and fun. Plus, it’s a 2.5 hour drive, a 5 hr return journey. All for 5 mins? Or would she ask for a cup of tea too? And then the op be stuck with her there for longer, in which case she has more time to talk about her upsetting memories.

And when you say ‘who would even know it had happened?’, I’m not sure what your point is? The op and her husband would know. The people whose home it is. The people who don’t want this to happen. They’d know. It’s entirely irrelevant whether other people would know.

And when you say ‘who would even know it had happened?’, I’m not sure what your point is? The op and her husband would know. The people whose home it is. The people who don’t want this to happen. They’d know. It’s entirely irrelevant whether other people would know.

That’s to all the ‘be kind’ sneerers. Why would someone virtue-signal on an entirely anonymous forum?

Is it not even vaguely conceivable to some people on this thread that there are others who view this differently from them? Who really just think this is no big deal, no drama at all, an easily-fulfilled request that they’d have no issue agreeing to? Really...?

I don’t view it as being kind

It’s all rather - meh, sure, come in, have a wander through. The kids are home, and I need to go to X in [insert time] so will need to see you out then.

Honestly, the drama being made out of what is a complete non-event.

Again, massive caveat: it’s a moot point because the OP has already made up her mind.

My thoughts:
Alison is just being nosey and has come up with a thin excuse for wanting to go inside and have a look around.

She clearly IS a stranger as otherwise she wouldn't have had to use a go-between to ask. She also may know it's an out of order request, hence the use of a go-between.

It's a security issue - plenty of gullible people here willing to take her at her word but I would be highly sceptical.

Alison needs to learn to leave the past in the past. I have lived in loads of houses, some very dear to me. But I left those behind. That is life.

She can drive down to the house and look at it from the outside if she is that bothered, if she is telling the truth.

She can still look at the photos on Rightmove.

Many people here seem to just have taken offence at the OP drawing a boundary.

If it's that her parents divorced etc, then I would, but if it was something more sinister like child abuse I don't think that's healthy for her or you tbh, so unless she's prepared to let you know in advance, then it would be a no from me. Good luck in your new home.

Best response OP! I'd probably need this advice.

Heed