to think friend of a friend is being weird about

[letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

Being in the home won't help Alison. The bad stuff doesn't 'live' in the house, it continues on in her head and no time in the old house is going to change that.

I had a crappy childhood and I regularly revisit the home I lived in between the ages of 5 and 13, in my dreams. Visiting that house in real life would be pointless because the damage is in my head.

@MrsBobDylan That's what I was saying earlier. It could actually do more damage to Alison's already fragile mental health. I took such a pilgrimage a couple of years ago (though not to my childhood home which had been sold). It was more damaging than anything else.

It's therapy that Alison needs, to process what's going on in her head.

I'd have let her. But then I'm hoping to find a murder house for sale because I dgaf and might get it cheap.

I can see it from your point of view but I can also see it from hers. I struggled to accept abuse done to me as a child for so long and when visiting family I would drive past the cottage (quite isolated on moors) on my way and sometimes just look at it from a distance, I never built up the confidence to ask to go in. It was the owner who invited me in the end. He knew what the house had been used for, he knew from local media coverage that it was a place that many children suffered but he hadn't known when he purchased it not been from the area, but instead of doing what most people would and walking away he totally transformed it. Unbeknown to me he had seen me stop a few times and dwell on things despite been at the end of a long drive. He told me he was an artist and they'd completely changed the house and it was now a happy place where his grandkids enjoyed the gardens and things were colourful. I couldn't imagine that even when he told me. His children and grandkids had been told of its history and they'd created a garden especially to reflect on what kids had suffered in the house. He approached me one day and said when I was ready I was welcome to visit. It took a few more attempts before I could, I couldn't previously go down the drive without a knot of fear building up and becoming terrified. But when I did it was so different. The driveway wasn't what I remembered, they'd brightened it up, planted bright and colour plants and cherry blossom. Instead of the dark over shadowing trees that had all been cut down. They had painted flowers and bright images on the huge gates to welcome people and they no longer represented a jail. Once inside the main grounds the gardens were amazing, They had wood carvings and so much colour, as well as strong scents and a seated area so you could sit and reflect. Inside the farm kitchen was no longer a place of fear of being hurt it was painted brightly, with plants and flowers and messages of inspiration where the kids did craft and baked. It was truly amazing. He gave me a guided tour. I even met his grandchildren. Who showed me their room, a room that had been filled with nightmares and terror was now literally a magical wonderland, those kids were so happy. Seeing that house totally transformed was what allowed me to heal. He had found out from police reports what every room had been used for, and he'd literally transformed it and removed every bad memory from the home by turning each room into the exact opposite of what it had once been. It was truly an amazing experience. The darkness the fear it was literally all gone. You could never imagine now the pain and suffering that went on there. At the same time though he also acknowledged what we went though, by inspirational messages everywhere. In the worst place for us all the basement, he had created a magical water feature and chill out room, adding windows where he could to bring in natural light, the stone floor had been painted mural style hiding the many stains that I remembered. He had kept some of the bad memories but they were locked away in boxes only if we wanted to see them along with newspaper clippings, photos etc to show what the house was before, the things the police never took. I never did want to see them. I know roughly the kind of things in those boxes. But they aren't something I want to see now. I want to remember that house for what it is now not what it once was.
It may well be that your friend can't move on and seeing it your happy place could have helped her to heal. But at the same time it's also your home. Not a morbid sacrifice. Maybe tell her that when you have made it into your own home and added you touch, redecorated etc, you wouldn't mind welcoming her in for a coffee. But let her know what rooms are out of bounds etc. Seeing it as your happy place could help her realise it wasn't the home at fault but individuals or circumstance that made it what it was.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I'd have let her. But then I'm hoping to find a murder house for sale because I dgaf and might get it cheap.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 love your thinking. Capitalism at all costs

@Bekstar what a beautiful story. I'm so sorry for what you went through.

I personally would let her

@LovelyIssues

I personally would let her

leave your number and address with OP and she can pass it on 🤣

I'd love to be able to show my children my childhood home and maternal grandparents home, and I'd like to sort of gain closure on those parts of my life.

@Bekstar- wow. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. I hope you've had/are having a lovely life as an adult.

It's lovely that he made the house a happy space @Bekstar, sorry to hear you had such an awful start in life. I hope your life is filled with happiness now.