to think friend of a friend is being weird about

[letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

[ChronicallyCurious]

No I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this

[Trunkysbun]

@Bluntness100

That’s a shame op. It’s likely there was some abuse in thr home and she just wants to put it to rest. It’s highly unlikely she’d want to tell you. And it’s easy to make sure she doesn’t.

It’s very sad you denied her closure when it would cost you nothing.

I disagree that's Alison is unlikely to tell the OP what happened. The fact that Alison says she has 'bad memories that she wants to put to bed' would indicate she wants to talk about it, otherwise she would just have said she wants a pile around.

[FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken]

Because it's the OPs house and she can set the terms. She can say she is welcome to pop in and have a look around for 10 minutes but she doesnt really want to hear about any bad memories of the place since she is happy there, and she will make herself scarce for a short time and then has to go out or whatever.

[Ileflottante]

@Ileflottante

Hmm. It’s your new home. I wouldn’t fancy someone wandering about exorcising their own demons, it would rather take the edge off. I’d not engage over it.

Sorry I hadn’t seen your updates. It sounds like you handled it well. I too, would be pissed at Nicola.

[BrumBoo]

Memories are made by what happens to her in the house not what happened before.

You take memories with you wherever you go . If it's that bad, therapy is what A needs, not visiting her old home. Really, how are people not getting that this is very rude to the family who currently live there, to give any inclination that something really horrible happened and then making them the bad guys for not fixing the previous occupier emotionally by letting them bring that negativity back into their home?

[FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken]

Maybe she didn't view it when it was on the market as many estate agents say you've got to have your house on the market to view, and she probably didnt feel comfortable telling them the reasons why she wanted to visit.

I just think it's a bit selfish. You already know something bad happened to her in the house. Letting her in for 10 min wont change that.

[FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken]

How is it bringing negativity into the home? If the person walks around for a few minutes how is that even negative? Its putting aside 20 minutes and giving it a quick tidy. People are talking like they believe in the occult and she is going to infect the house with her negative energy.

[123HereComesTheSun]

Maybe , since you know her, let her come in whilst you are out? Who cares?

[FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken]

How exactly do you think that this lady coming into your childrens home once for a few minutes would spoil them having a happy home!?

[BrumBoo]

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

How is it bringing negativity into the home? If the person walks around for a few minutes how is that even negative? Its putting aside 20 minutes and giving it a quick tidy. People are talking like they believe in the occult and she is going to infect the house with her negative energy.

I have zero belief in 'woo'. I had a shit childhood and would never dream of walking into someone's house that used to be my home on the bases of these bad memories though. It's a shit thing to even mention to someone, even without full context. That's now their home, whatever happened in the past doesn't belong to them or part of the memories they should have whilst living in it.

[BrumBoo]

@123HereComesTheSun

Maybe , since you know her, let her come in whilst you are out? Who cares?

Yes, let a near stranger into your house with zero supervision because they say they're sad. That sounds super sensible! Is it a full moon tonight .

[MRex]

You've done well OP. I think it's very rude of both of them to focus on negativity about your new home. If she'd wanted to take a look out of curiosity then I might allow it (non lockdown), but to be honest only if she was talking about how happy she'd been. I wouldn't want a pile of someone else's sadness thrown about the house. As others say, she should get a therapist.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

FFS, denied her 'closure'. But never mind, Bluntness's entire MO on every thread is to oppositional, argumentative and contrary.

They were rude AF to suggest this and totally insensitive.

[Aquamarine1029]

Allison will only bring negativity into your home and I wouldn't allow it, either. You're not responsible for her mental well being and I wouldn't care at all that she's unhappy with your decision.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

How exactly do you think that this lady coming into your childrens home once for a few minutes would spoil them having a happy home!?

She's some random asking to barge in and use their house as personal therapy, why should anyone feel compelled to accept such a bolshy so-and-so in their home? Someone's home isn't a fecking group therapy hub.

[MichelleScarn]

Whys she not asked this of the previous owners given its meant to be such an easy, happy to fulfill request?

[katy1213]

Surely you need to be in a bubble for an exorcism? Does bell, book and candle count as essential shopping?

[justanotherremainer]

OP this is mumsnet, loads of folk won’t even answer the door!

I’d totally let the friend of a friend do it. Why would you not?

[justanotherremainer]

Jeez some really harsh replies

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@MichelleScarn

Whys she not asked this of the previous owners given its meant to be such an easy, happy to fulfill request?

Exactly! I mean, given that you should just let a random in and, well, even leave the house whilst they're in there burning sage or whatever.

So harsh, yes, not wanting an unwelcome person in your home.

[Sillysandy]

I can't believe you and your husband said no and I'm not surprised she's upset.

My parents divorced and when we were moved it felt like my childhood ended that day. One of my parents recently died. I would absolutely love to walk around and access some buried memories. No they are not all good, quite the opposite. I would find it hugely healing.

I can't do that obviously as strangers live in the house.

Why wouldn't you and your husband just let her have some time there alone; a few hours or whatever?

[CutePixie]

[quote letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]@nursejekyll she knows because my friend Nicola told her.

Nicola got back to me this evening to say that Alison is upset that we have said no. I responded to Nicola to say that whilst I understand Alison is upset, this is my home and my husband and children’s and a happy one at that and I can’t allow anyone to spoil that for them. I said that the fact that there’s no disclosure about what went on and no details about what she plans to do have made me and DH uncomfortable. I also said that our feelings won’t change on the subject and the matter is closed for us.[/quote]
You made the right choice OP. If she’s still haunted by her memories and wants closure, then she needs to see a therapist. I wouldn’t want Alison’s negative energy to impact on my new home, a place to make happy family memories. Like PP have said, if Alison was so desperate to see the inside of the house then she could’ve viewed it when it was on the market, or asked the old couple that used to live there.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

Why wouldn't you and your husband just let her have some time there alone; a few hours or whatever?

Why don't you go ahead and advertise your house like that publicly? Some stranger you don't know might appreciate a few hours alone in your home to do some healing from the past.

[emilyfrost]

Why wouldn't you and your husband just let her have some time there alone; a few hours or whatever?

Sillysandy A few hours alone? You can’t be serious 😂

[BrumBoo]

I can't do that obviously as strangers live in the house

But Alison can do it to the op? They were barely acquaintance to begin with!

Why wouldn't you and your husband just let her have some time there alone; a few hours or whatever?

A few hours now? For someone who's practically a stranger to wander around your house on the say-so of bad memories?

The replies to this thread have genuinely been some of the most off the wall I've read on AIBU. That is seriously saying something...