to think friend of a friend is being weird about

[letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

In your position it would be an emphatic 'No' from me

And it was a cheek for both of them to thrust that on you, OP and then have the nerve to be upset about your decision. She could have approached the previous owners or arranged to view it when it was on the market. 'Let me come to your home and use it for my purposes but fuck off if I'll tell you them. Oh, but I'm upset you didn't let me use your home!' Yeah, right.

Yea I think its selfish not to put yourself out slightly (I mean letting someone in your home for 10 min for a quick look around, not them unburdening their awful childhood on you which would need a trained professional) at little effort or time to you, but something that could really help the other person. To me, letting someone I barely know into my 'brand new house' isnt somehow going to ruin it in any way

Well she’s certainly not now and it’s doubtful the first friend is either

Bluntness100 She never has been a friend, just an acquaintance, and why would the actual friend give a shit that OP rightfully said no?

I think it's selfish and a huge cheek to expect to use someone's home as some form of mental therapy and not even have the courtesy to tell them to what end, when they're not even your friend.

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

Yea I think its selfish not to put yourself out slightly (I mean letting someone in your home for 10 min for a quick look around, not them unburdening their awful childhood on you which would need a trained professional) at little effort or time to you, but something that could really help the other person. To me, letting someone I barely know into my 'brand new house' isnt somehow going to ruin it in any way

I wish letting myself around my old house would 'unburden' me from a lifetime of shit . Unfortunately, it doesn't work like and no one has the right to impose themselves and their issues in such a way on another person/family.

If it was that essential for 'closure' or moving on, pp are right. Alison would have sought to do this whoever the owner was, or when the house was on the market.

No way would I allow this. Who wants someone wandering around their home who they barely know? My home is private

This ^ 100%

Reminds me of the thread where the OP's mother, who was elderly and mentally fragile, found out a tramp had broken into her garden shed. She wanted to know where to turn to get him out without the mother having to confront him. Cue MNers falling over themselves to tell her how unkind her mum was, to bring him flasks of tea and soup, bedding, give him the WiFi password, a welfare pack, all sorts of bunk

God I remember that! That was a fair few years ago!

OP I wouldn’t have been down with that either. I don’t blame you for saying no.

You've made the right decision OP, you don't need that type of negativity in your new home.

Also she's quite a CF in my opinion. You haven't spoke in years but she wants something from you and couldn't even be bothered to ask you directly? She could have easily asked mutual friend to pass on your details with your permission.

Also why the hell wouldn't she say what she was planning to do? She's the one asking for something so she needed to make it clear what she was planning on doing.

@Shaiva

Reminds me of the thread where the OP's mother, who was elderly and mentally fragile, found out a tramp had broken into her garden shed. She wanted to know where to turn to get him out without the mother having to confront him. Cue MNers falling over themselves to tell her how unkind her mum was, to bring him flasks of tea and soup, bedding, give him the WiFi password, a welfare pack, all sorts of bunk

God I remember that! That was a fair few years ago!

OP I wouldn’t have been down with that either. I don’t blame you for saying no.

It was classic. There was another one featuring a woman who let out a room in her house on AirB&B. But it was entirely not child friendly so this was stated in the listing, strictly no kids. A woman booked it. She then contacted the OP and said she was bringing her toddler. The OP told her NO and cancelled the booking and refunded the woman. The woman then showed up in a taxi with the kid and demanded entry. The OP said NO and the woman kicked off and the neighbour called the police.

Some of the answers were hilarious! Whatever happened to kindness?! She should have invited them in, prepared a meal for the woman and toddler, got some nappies in, offered the loo, etc.

People are awfully free and easy with other peoples' time, money and property.

You did the right thing OP.
I personally might have relented if she asked again nicely but the level of entitlement... how exactly was she planning to get closure if the previous owners had never sold? Allison sounds like a nasty person and I wouldn't want her anywhere near my home. And Nicola a bit of a shit stirrer

@rawalpindithelabrador people telling women to stick up for themselves and not be martyrs (LTB at the slightest sign of trouble) but at the same time telling them to be doormats for CF's to walk all over.. GOLD

@rawalpindithelabrador

I evidently missed both those threads! However, 'be kind' mentality has a lot to answer for, especially in how women are expected to treat any piss taker or 'woe is me-er' who comes their way.

Just reverse Alison own tactic and ask Nicola to pass on your rmessage "We don't like the sound of that, so it's no to her visit.".

If she had just said she'd like to walk through the house again, for old times' sake, I'd probably have agreed, but I think the way she (or her messenger) phrased it made the whole thing feel strange. And when pressed for details, why not answer, "Oh, I don't plan to do anything, really. Just looking around and remembering the past for a few minutes, maybe..."? That would've set OP's mind to rest, most likely.

The friend-of-a-friend has brought the rejection of her request upon herself. She'll have to settle for revisiting the house in her mind's eye or maybe from the nearest street.

Maybe she knows that there's thousands of pounds hidden in the secret hatch which you know nothing about, and she's planning to distract you and take it 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t want her in my new home, no, you made the right decision. Anyway, you can’t do things like this during the pandemic, what is she thinking?!

Enjoy your new home OP x

@Trunkysbun

A friend of mine lived in a rented house, she got quite friendly with the landlady (who was also her daughters teacher) and they had a glass of wine in the kitchen - as the landlady left, she said 'I bought this house cheap as they found the previous owner hanging from that beam there because his wife had left him'.

My friend couldn't get past it and ended the tenancy early as it really rocked her.

Oh my god, I would have been really nervous to stay there it would've unnerved me. As for the OP, I think you've done the right thing, I can't believe a couple of posters are actually suggesting she goes out and leaves Alison alone in the house, that's madness. I also think it's unfair of putting Nicola in the middle of this.

I totally agree with the OP on this one.

Not very nice of someone to pass on the message they have bad memories there (as very unsettling now, hence the thread) and then very bad form not just to accept a polite no under the circumstances.

I would definitely let her do it. I think you need to think about how it would it negatively affect you at all if she does, and it probably wouldn’t. But it could be an immense help to her. It’s one of those situations I think where you just need to be kind.

I would absolutely love to go back to my childhood home.

I wouldn’t do it, who knows what Alison has in mind, if she’s that disturbed what if her idea of setting it right is to burn down the house.

[quote letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]@Sillysandy I wouldn’t leave someone alone in my house. I’ve not seen her in 10 years.

I think someone hit the nail on the head in a previous comment when they said “my home is private..”

Also, this isn’t just my home, it’s my husbands and my children’s place of sanctuary. I cannot allow someone to come in without knowing what has happened and what they plan to do. Even if I did know, I’d feel uncomfortable with the thought of someone purging their demons in my box room.[/quote]
Purging her demons? Oh give me a break, she probably wants to sit and reflect quietly. What difference does it make to you what happened to her there?

I popped round to my old house (years after we’d moved) to pick up some mail, I had my children with me. The new owner asked us all in and allowed the kids to see the room they had been born in, it was so special x

sandy why does a total random's wish supercede the op?!

@Sillysandy

Because it’s my home and how do you know she’d sit and reflect quietly? You don’t, anymore than I think she’d purge her demons in my box room.