to think friend of a friend is being weird about

[letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

@emilyfrost

Why wouldn't you and your husband just let her have some time there alone; a few hours or whatever?

Sillysandy A few hours alone? You can’t be serious 😂

Reminds me of the thread where the OP's mother, who was elderly and mentally fragile, found out a tramp had broken into her garden shed. She wanted to know where to turn to get him out without the mother having to confront him. Cue MNers falling over themselves to tell her how unkind her mum was, to bring him flasks of tea and soup, bedding, give him the WiFi password, a welfare pack, all sorts of bunk.

No way would I allow this. Who wants someone wandering around their home who they barely know?

My home is private

I find this very strange, and a little unthoughtful of Alison. If you had bad memories attached to a house, why would you make a friend (even one you haven’t seen for 10 years) be aware of ‘bad’ memories in a new home she’s just moved into with her family? Surely that’s going to take the shine of a new family home and make the new owners wonder what happened in the house? I can understand wanting to look around a childhood house where you had fond memories, but not where it holds negative emotions for you, and especially viewing the property whilst occupied at the time by people you know. Of course that will make them feel uncomfortable! I don’t know about you OP, but I’ve not even had friends into my home in the past year (only family when restrictions allowed). It’s become my sanctuary now and closest friends will be those invited round first!

I'm someone who doesn't open the door if I'm not expecting a guest (and dislike having to deal with people in my house generally) but in this case I would have let Alison in to deal with her demons or whatever. I can't really see the harm in it. I wouldn't ask her what happened, it doesn't sound like a there's a great backstory there and I'd rather not know, and I certainly wouldn't give her hours to wander around but I would invite her to visit for a fixed period of time.

It all sounds a bit odd but if she needs to do this to reach closure over what happened to her in the past I can see why she'd be upset at your refusal.

She's got a fuckload of cheek to be upset! It was on the market, she could have viewed it then, or asked the former owners.

Needs to see a therapist.

God some of the aggression in these replies. Egging thr op on. Some even trying to get her to stick the boot in to the first friend.

But as a pp said, this is mumsnet where not opening your door is the norm, so I can see why letting a friend in like this would seem like she’d asked something heinous.

@Bluntness100

God some of the aggression in these replies. Egging thr op on. Some even trying to get her to stick the boot in to the first friend.

But as a pp said, this is mumsnet where not opening your door is the norm, so I can see why letting a friend in like this would seem like she’d asked something heinous.

She's an adult and didn't need anyone to egg her on. She and her husband decided together, as homeowners . Allison isn't her friend.

@Bluntness100

God some of the aggression in these replies. Egging thr op on. Some even trying to get her to stick the boot in to the first friend.

But as a pp said, this is mumsnet where not opening your door is the norm, so I can see why letting a friend in like this would seem like she’d asked something heinous.

Egging the OP on for what? She's already said no, the rest of us are just defending her from 'why can't you just be kinnnnndddd' nutters who have emerged, wanting her to open her house as some mental trauma therapy session . Plus this person isn't a friend. Knowing someone isn't a friendship, the op owes Alison absolutely nothing, especially access to her home to work out some shit she hasn't been able to get over in over a decade but will definitely be able to by spending a few hours alone in the ops house .

I still dont get how the OP letting someone in to wander around a few rooms is letting that person 'infect them with negative energy'. Her traumatic childhood memories is not the same as a bad smell and even if it was I think I'd let someone who was suffering, visit for a while, then open the windows to let the smell out, then forget about it. I thought mumnetters were meant to be against woo? If so, unless you're following the person around your house and questioning them, why is it any different if they had a great childhood and wanted to reminisce or bad childhood and want to get over it? Unless they are offloading on to you, which is a different thing to just looking round your house.

And letting someone have a few minutes I your living room is hardly the same as a free therapy session

If she'd wanted to see it that bad she could have arranged a viewing with the estate agent when it was on the market, no?

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

I still dont get how the OP letting someone in to wander around a few rooms is letting that person 'infect them with negative energy'. Her traumatic childhood memories is not the same as a bad smell and even if it was I think I'd let someone who was suffering, visit for a while, then open the windows to let the smell out, then forget about it. I thought mumnetters were meant to be against woo? If so, unless you're following the person around your house and questioning them, why is it any different if they had a great childhood and wanted to reminisce or bad childhood and want to get over it? Unless they are offloading on to you, which is a different thing to just looking round your house.

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

It's basic psychology. The op didn't care for the history of the house when she bought it. It's a place for the future, hopefully where life will be more positive than negative. People from the past saying something negative about the house puts a negative aspect to the whole experience. That isn't the OPs burden to carry, to fix or (quite frankly) to give the slightest shit about.

It isnt. You're right. And whilst I can see that point of view, I think if we all thought like that then no one would help anyone. In my opinion its not hurting or putting the OPout to help this person, so why not. She now already knows that (in this other person's opinion) something bad happened in the house. The way I view it, its just walls and a roof...a friend of a friend coming in for a look around is only going to slightly inconvenience me at worst, so I'd definitely do it. I appreciate other people may see it differently, but I do think it's people who believe in 'woo' and think they somehow somehow be tainted. If this person wanted to talk the OP through what happened and where then that's different as it can conjure up images and hearing about it could upset the OP. But if she says in advance she doeant want to discuss it but will let her have a look around, that in my opinion wouldn't 'put a negative aspect on the whole experience'. Somehing like a family death or illness or a job loss puts a negative aspect on an experience, to me. I wouldn't personally be affected by a little known third partys long ago struggles

A friend of mine lived in a rented house, she got quite friendly with the landlady (who was also her daughters teacher) and they had a glass of wine in the kitchen - as the landlady left, she said 'I bought this house cheap as they found the previous owner hanging from that beam there because his wife had left him'.

My friend couldn't get past it and ended the tenancy early as it really rocked her.

Ultimately I'd like to think I'd help someone else if it made a big difference to them but inconvenienced me slightly.

'i'm curious to see the house again after all these years' along with a friend to vouch that the person would observe social norms - go for it.
But the whole creepy, bad memory thing - forget it.

My house has seen ww1, ww2, the falklands and the AIDS crisis along with Covid. It must have had it's share of happy days, toddler tantrums, teen rebellion along with crushing moments of sadness.
I love the thought that it's bricks and morter not a mystical portal to the past.

In my opinion its not hurting or putting the OPout to help this person, so why not.

Your opinion doesn't matter, only hers and her husband's do because it's their house, and they feel put out and uncomfortable having this person in their home. She's not a friend. So they said no.

I'm torn on this. I wouldn't want her suddenly unloading a shitty childhood worth of memories on me in what was my new home which I loved- especially depending what they were. Finding out your kids room is where a parent used to discipline her, or whatever, would probably make me look a bit differently at it! If it was a straight ooh I lived here and want a nosey I'd be ok with that but I probably wouldn't be given how she's worded the request.

She's not a friend

Well she’s certainly not now and it’s doubtful the first friend is either

It was really foolish of the friend and friend of friend, to even introduce the 'bad things that need to be put right' idea. I'm not remotely woo, but I'd find that really uncomfortable if I'd just moved into a new place that's intended to be a family home for the future.

I know that every house other than a new build has its past. Someone is likely to have died in it, rows will have been had, etc etc. But I don't want to know details.

To be told that something bad happened that was enough for someone to feel the need to 'put things right' is something I really don't want to know.

This situation has only arisen because Alison knows someone who knows the OP. If anyone else had bought it, she wouldn't have approached them.

@Bluntness100

She's not a friend

Well she’s certainly not now and it’s doubtful the first friend is either

I'm sure the OP will survive .

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

Maybe she didn't view it when it was on the market as many estate agents say you've got to have your house on the market to view, and she probably didnt feel comfortable telling them the reasons why she wanted to visit.

I just think it's a bit selfish. You already know something bad happened to her in the house. Letting her in for 10 min wont change that.

It’s selfish to not let some random woman you don’t really know into your brand new house to cleanse her childhood demons?

No.

"Your opinion doesn't matter, only hers and her husband's do because it's their house"

I dont think my opinion particularly matters and not any more so than anyone elses but I thought this was a forum where people ask questions and people give their opinions. So I did. If the op was only interested in her and her husbands opinion maybe she wouldnt have posted on AIBU

@Sillysandy I wouldn’t leave someone alone in my house. I’ve not seen her in 10 years.

I think someone hit the nail on the head in a previous comment when they said “my home is private..”

Also, this isn’t just my home, it’s my husbands and my children’s place of sanctuary. I cannot allow someone to come in without knowing what has happened and what they plan to do. Even if I did know, I’d feel uncomfortable with the thought of someone purging their demons in my box room.

This situation has only arisen because Alison knows someone who knows the OP

Alison also knows thr op. The op said she was in her house when it was alisons, several times, ten to fifteen years ago. They fell out of contact, but the op definitely knew her well enough years ago that she was welcomed into her home then .

Anyway, it doesn’t matter, the op has said she’s not allowed to come and that’s it