to think friend of a friend is being weird about

[letthemwonderhowwegotthisfar]

my new house.

My DH and I have recently moved into our new house. I knew the house already and had been in it a few times 10-15 years ago as it then belonged to the parents of a friend of a friend.

We moved in about three months ago and my friend, we’ll call her Nicola, phoned me and said her friend, Alison (whose house it was for years), had been on the phone and Nicola told her that we had bought her childhood home.

There has been another owner in the interim period and that’s who we bought the house from. So Alison asked Nicola to ask me if (when Covid restrictions are over) if she could come round to the house as she had some “bad memories in the house that she needs to put right..” I gently enquired what that would involve and Nicola had no idea and when pressed Alison wouldn’t say.

I haven’t seen Alison in about 10 years tbh and while I’m happy for her to come for a cup of tea when we’re allowed I just feel a bit odd about it. My DH has never met her and hasn’t said much, just that it sounds weird.

Am i overthinking this? I just don’t know what I should do.

[MRex]

It's lovely that he made the house a happy space @Bekstar, sorry to hear you had such an awful start in life. I hope your life is filled with happiness now.

[cerealgamechanger]

@Bekstar- wow. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. I hope you've had/are having a lovely life as an adult.

[Seasidemumma77]

I'd love to be able to show my children my childhood home and maternal grandparents home, and I'd like to sort of gain closure on those parts of my life.

[BlueThistles]

@LovelyIssues

I personally would let her

leave your number and address with OP and she can pass it on 🤣

[LovelyIssues]

I personally would let her

[Sillysandy]

@Bekstar what a beautiful story. I'm so sorry for what you went through.

[lboogy]

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I'd have let her. But then I'm hoping to find a murder house for sale because I dgaf and might get it cheap.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 love your thinking. Capitalism at all costs

[Bekstar]

I can see it from your point of view but I can also see it from hers. I struggled to accept abuse done to me as a child for so long and when visiting family I would drive past the cottage (quite isolated on moors) on my way and sometimes just look at it from a distance, I never built up the confidence to ask to go in. It was the owner who invited me in the end. He knew what the house had been used for, he knew from local media coverage that it was a place that many children suffered but he hadn't known when he purchased it not been from the area, but instead of doing what most people would and walking away he totally transformed it. Unbeknown to me he had seen me stop a few times and dwell on things despite been at the end of a long drive. He told me he was an artist and they'd completely changed the house and it was now a happy place where his grandkids enjoyed the gardens and things were colourful. I couldn't imagine that even when he told me. His children and grandkids had been told of its history and they'd created a garden especially to reflect on what kids had suffered in the house. He approached me one day and said when I was ready I was welcome to visit. It took a few more attempts before I could, I couldn't previously go down the drive without a knot of fear building up and becoming terrified. But when I did it was so different. The driveway wasn't what I remembered, they'd brightened it up, planted bright and colour plants and cherry blossom. Instead of the dark over shadowing trees that had all been cut down. They had painted flowers and bright images on the huge gates to welcome people and they no longer represented a jail. Once inside the main grounds the gardens were amazing, They had wood carvings and so much colour, as well as strong scents and a seated area so you could sit and reflect. Inside the farm kitchen was no longer a place of fear of being hurt it was painted brightly, with plants and flowers and messages of inspiration where the kids did craft and baked. It was truly amazing. He gave me a guided tour. I even met his grandchildren. Who showed me their room, a room that had been filled with nightmares and terror was now literally a magical wonderland, those kids were so happy. Seeing that house totally transformed was what allowed me to heal. He had found out from police reports what every room had been used for, and he'd literally transformed it and removed every bad memory from the home by turning each room into the exact opposite of what it had once been. It was truly an amazing experience. The darkness the fear it was literally all gone. You could never imagine now the pain and suffering that went on there. At the same time though he also acknowledged what we went though, by inspirational messages everywhere. In the worst place for us all the basement, he had created a magical water feature and chill out room, adding windows where he could to bring in natural light, the stone floor had been painted mural style hiding the many stains that I remembered. He had kept some of the bad memories but they were locked away in boxes only if we wanted to see them along with newspaper clippings, photos etc to show what the house was before, the things the police never took. I never did want to see them. I know roughly the kind of things in those boxes. But they aren't something I want to see now. I want to remember that house for what it is now not what it once was.
It may well be that your friend can't move on and seeing it your happy place could have helped her to heal. But at the same time it's also your home. Not a morbid sacrifice. Maybe tell her that when you have made it into your own home and added you touch, redecorated etc, you wouldn't mind welcoming her in for a coffee. But let her know what rooms are out of bounds etc. Seeing it as your happy place could help her realise it wasn't the home at fault but individuals or circumstance that made it what it was.

[HeyDemonsItsYaGirl]

I'd have let her. But then I'm hoping to find a murder house for sale because I dgaf and might get it cheap.

[Mittens030869]

@MrsBobDylan That's what I was saying earlier. It could actually do more damage to Alison's already fragile mental health. I took such a pilgrimage a couple of years ago (though not to my childhood home which had been sold). It was more damaging than anything else.

It's therapy that Alison needs, to process what's going on in her head.

[MrsBobDylan]

Being in the home won't help Alison. The bad stuff doesn't 'live' in the house, it continues on in her head and no time in the old house is going to change that.

I had a crappy childhood and I regularly revisit the home I lived in between the ages of 5 and 13, in my dreams. Visiting that house in real life would be pointless because the damage is in my head.

[ElleMac44]

Heed

[ElleMac44]

Best response OP! I'd probably need this advice.

[ElleMac44]

If it's that her parents divorced etc, then I would, but if it was something more sinister like child abuse I don't think that's healthy for her or you tbh, so unless she's prepared to let you know in advance, then it would be a no from me. Good luck in your new home.

[Biffbaff]

My thoughts:
Alison is just being nosey and has come up with a thin excuse for wanting to go inside and have a look around.

She clearly IS a stranger as otherwise she wouldn't have had to use a go-between to ask. She also may know it's an out of order request, hence the use of a go-between.

It's a security issue - plenty of gullible people here willing to take her at her word but I would be highly sceptical.

Alison needs to learn to leave the past in the past. I have lived in loads of houses, some very dear to me. But I left those behind. That is life.

She can drive down to the house and look at it from the outside if she is that bothered, if she is telling the truth.

She can still look at the photos on Rightmove.

Many people here seem to just have taken offence at the OP drawing a boundary.

[Five67Eight]

And when you say ‘who would even know it had happened?’, I’m not sure what your point is? The op and her husband would know. The people whose home it is. The people who don’t want this to happen. They’d know. It’s entirely irrelevant whether other people would know.

That’s to all the ‘be kind’ sneerers. Why would someone virtue-signal on an entirely anonymous forum?

Is it not even vaguely conceivable to some people on this thread that there are others who view this differently from them? Who really just think this is no big deal, no drama at all, an easily-fulfilled request that they’d have no issue agreeing to? Really...?

I don’t view it as being kind

It’s all rather - meh, sure, come in, have a wander through. The kids are home, and I need to go to X in [insert time] so will need to see you out then.

Honestly, the drama being made out of what is a complete non-event.

Again, massive caveat: it’s a moot point because the OP has already made up her mind.

[sammylady37]

@Five67Eight

I am simply of the opinion that sneering at people for being kind is pretty twattish behaviour. Especially when I don't consider something as insignificant as this to be particularly kind. I consider it a non event.

Exactly. All the hand-wringing, my home, my castle. It would be a total non-event to me, come in, spend 5 mins, sod off, no skin off my nose. Not some ridiculous virtue-signalling opportunity. I mean, who would even know it had happened, other than the immediate parties involved?

Again, moot point - the OP has made her decision.

But remember Alison won’t say what it is she wants to do while in the house. She has given no assurance that it’ll be a 5 min walk-through. Given that ‘something bad’ happened her there, and it’s apparently something so bad that she hasn’t fully dealt with it decades later, and wants to revisit the place it happened to help her deal with it, I don’t think I’m being wildly inaccurate to guess that it’ll be longer than 5 minutes and she may become upset and distressed while there. It’s hardly going to be a trip filled with laughter and fun. Plus, it’s a 2.5 hour drive, a 5 hr return journey. All for 5 mins? Or would she ask for a cup of tea too? And then the op be stuck with her there for longer, in which case she has more time to talk about her upsetting memories.

And when you say ‘who would even know it had happened?’, I’m not sure what your point is? The op and her husband would know. The people whose home it is. The people who don’t want this to happen. They’d know. It’s entirely irrelevant whether other people would know.

[sammylady37]

TatianaBis

Passenger42
Hell no, the house was sold and has been resold since her family left. You don’t want anything but happy thoughts about your home. The fact she has bad memories is a red flag. A sorry this doesn’t work for me should suffice.
A red flag for what?

The memories are in her head not in the house

Well, exactly. So why does she want to come to the house then? These memories are in her head, she can go to an appropriately qualified professional to get help dealing with them.

[BlueThistles]

omg is this still ongoing 🤣

[BronwenFrideswide]

[quote TatianaBis]@BronwenFrideswide

Well obviously boundaries entail being able to say no.

But feeling ‘uncomfortable’ over such a minor thing indicates poor boundaries of itself. Saying no may make you feel you’ve kept the threat out but it doesn’t strengthen boundaries for the next time.

Healthy boundaries mean you can cope life without ‘feeling uncomfortable’ over minor things. Without feeling you’re ’‘bending over for other while not wanting to be a party to what they do.’(Truly bizarre btw).

You don’t have to say no to so much of life for fear of what might happen.[/quote]
Boundaries are all about saying no if you don't want to do something, doesn't matter why you don't want to do it, it's not unkind not to want to do something you don't want to do.

Of course saying no and having it accepted strengthens boundaries, you've made your decision the matter is closed.

OP and her husband don't want to be party to whatever Alison wants to use their home for, that's not being weak or fearful on the contrary it is deciding what they want and setting strong healthy boundaries that their home is their home and they make the decisions.

[Five67Eight]

I am simply of the opinion that sneering at people for being kind is pretty twattish behaviour. Especially when I don't consider something as insignificant as this to be particularly kind. I consider it a non event.

Exactly. All the hand-wringing, my home, my castle. It would be a total non-event to me, come in, spend 5 mins, sod off, no skin off my nose. Not some ridiculous virtue-signalling opportunity. I mean, who would even know it had happened, other than the immediate parties involved?

Again, moot point - the OP has made her decision.

[Sillysandy]

[quote WhoStoleMyCheese]**@Sillysandy* I don't think @rawalpindithelabrador* or anybody else was sneering at posters for 'being kind'. On this site we have seen many examples of women being forced into situations against their own self-interest because they are socialised into 'being kind'. Situations that a man would have given no second thought to.
And in those situations people are quick to tell them to 'stand up for themselves', 'say no', 'your feelings are important' etc etc.
It's like people just love falling over themselves to have a go at the OP no matter what happens. damned if you do and damned if you don't.[/quote]
I'm not sure if the page numbers depend on your device but assuming your post is also on page 16 can you have a look at page 13. There seems to be plenty of be kind sneering going on there and in the page before and after.

[WhoStoleMyCheese]

@Sillysandy I don't think @rawalpindithelabrador or anybody else was sneering at posters for 'being kind'. On this site we have seen many examples of women being forced into situations against their own self-interest because they are socialised into 'being kind'. Situations that a man would have given no second thought to.
And in those situations people are quick to tell them to 'stand up for themselves', 'say no', 'your feelings are important' etc etc.
It's like people just love falling over themselves to have a go at the OP no matter what happens. damned if you do and damned if you don't.

[franbrad]

To be honest if she really wanted to purge her memories she could have done that when the house was up for sale. I think you should stick to your guns. You are totally right to say no.