Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with feeling judged for not having children

219 replies

Rainydays55 · 19/02/2021 10:39

I’m in my mid 30s and feel waves of really feeling judged for not having children , am I the only one?! Being a mum is not something that has ever really been on my radar, lots of my friends have had children since my 20s and I’ve seen how hard it is on them and their relationships as well as being lovely and that’s for people who have really wanted children. When I try to imagine having children in the future , because people have made me feel unusual for not having them, I try to picture being pregnant and having a child of different ages and it just feels weird for me to imagine, it’s hard to explain. But despite that at times people’s opinions , mixed with maybe hormones, try and make me imagine it to make sure I’m making the right decision. And then a few days later I think why am I even questioning myself, it’s not something I want.
I guess in my 20s I could easily say oh maybe one day or not for years, but now mid 30s people seem really serious when they say you ll regret this
which makes me worry!?
I don’t have any siblings so I won’t be an auntie and I feel sorry for my parents not being grandparents but I am auntie to lots of my friends children and a godmother .
I guess I just want someone to say it is ok whatever you choose and people maybe don’t look at me and think I’m weird like I think people do?! There just seems to be a lot more pressure on you in your 30s compared to 20s.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 19/02/2021 10:45

I'll say it OP. It is completely fine for you to have children, or not, whatever you choose. Society is starting to realise that, but clearly not quickly enough.

I have a couple of friends who decided that children were not for them and neither have regretted it, quite the opposite (were in our 50s now). I was probably guilty of asking one of them if she was sure when she was in her 20s though. Blush I know better now.

murbblurb · 19/02/2021 10:46

By 'people' do you mean women? Anyway, ignore.

EmpressWitchDoesntBurn · 19/02/2021 10:48

You’ll feel more judged when someone comes on this thread & innocently asks why women without children are on Mumsnet. Happens every time.

CounsellorTroi · 19/02/2021 10:51

Next time someone tells you you will regret not having children, say “I don’t think so, but so what if I do? I’ll just have to live with it. Regret is part of the human condition. I’d rather regret not having them than having them.”

Odile13 · 19/02/2021 10:56

I don’t judge anyone for not wanting or having children. I actually think it’s bizarre that some people are so nosy and interfering and rude that they not only ask people why they don’t have children but also follow that up by telling them they’ll regret not having them.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 19/02/2021 10:56

There's more stigma in maintaining the status quo of your life by not having kids, than to have kids, uproot everything you knew and were and change everything.

Its so weird.

Not having kids is an equally valid life choice.

FOJN · 19/02/2021 10:58

I worried when older women who didn't have children told me I'd regret not having children. What they meant was they regretted not having children. Like you I never pictured myself having kids, I knew at 15 I never wanted to have any but remained open to the idea I might change my mind. I'm 49 now so the time to change my mind has passed and I have no regrets at all. Friends who wanted children and had them are also very happy with their choices.
Live the life you want, not the one other people wished they'd had.

Lumene · 19/02/2021 11:01

This really pisses me off too OP.

Though I guess it’s quite a big irreversible condition so worth thinking through personally either way.

Funny how no one discusses whether those planning kids might regret it though.

Lumene · 19/02/2021 11:02

Condition = decision

ComeCovidCloser · 19/02/2021 11:05

Nearing 40 and childless here. I can honestly say I have no regrets, I knew in my late teens, early twenties, that I didn't want children and am so glad that I didn't cave in to others comments and judgements to have a child just for the sake of it or to fit the societal norm, what reason is that to have children anyway?

Live the life you want, OP, you're not here to tick other people's milestones.

nonevernotever · 19/02/2021 11:06

If its any help I'm in my fifties, no kids, really happy with that decision (love other people's but for me that's it) and the comments from others stopped in my thirties. You only have one life, make it the right one for you.

Crappyfridays7 · 19/02/2021 11:09

You wonder what the people who say to you that are really feeling? I have 4 kids and that’s my choice. I have friends who don’t have children by choice and I’ve never said anything to them about it, it’s none of my business. People who judge you have their own issues.

Just like it’s none of anyone’s business how many kids I have and how I parent it’s the same for you and your life, you’ve made a choice ignore the body busybodies and enjoy that life

Ostryga · 19/02/2021 11:10

My best friend is childfree by choice. She thinks I’m utterly mad for wanting another baby (Dd is 4 and starting school this year so she’s slightly more independent etc).

Tbh I envy her lifestyle sometimes. When I’m knackered and have to get up at 5 and think of another little person all the time. And she’s drinking champagne in the bath, or having lazy breakfasts at 11am etc.

I think when people judge it’s because they don’t want to look too deeply into their own life and choices, and so take it out on you.

Just ignore. You’re not weird, you’re living your life as you want. Children are not the be all and end all for everyone.

Okokokbear · 19/02/2021 11:10

I'm 35 op and child free. (I'm on mumsnet for a community of women BTW) I've been with my partner for 16+years, we own a home together and are very much still in love. So I've had plenty of time to think about it. But I've come to the same conclusion as you it's just not for me. I have two nieces who I adore as does my partner. Pre covid we loved sleepovers and trips out. That's the perfect amount of child in my life.

I don't think it's always women who ask actually. I'm lucky in that I'm close enough to my mum that she knows I I don't wnat children. I still have grandparents on one side and they never ask but an older cousin is child free too.

But I get it so often from people I don't know massively well. I think it's one thing say if you meet somone at work and they bring up their children and ask if you have them. It's not directly about a choice. But asking when or if you will have children is so rude. Especially as I've realised as an adult how common miscarriage and fertility issues are. Sorry I'm waffling! But you're not odd and actually I think some people who do have kids could do with putting in this much thought as I think lots of people still do it because that's what we do.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 19/02/2021 11:11

It's a pain in the ass feeling like you have to justify yourself, but in terms of not feeling judged, this is partly about training yourself to be less bothered.

I used to feel massively judged, now I mostly just feel annoyed if someone tries to do the "you'll regret it" talk. It's still a pain that they can't just not comment, but I "let" myself feel judged by it anymore if that makes sense?

Yuriyo · 19/02/2021 11:11

When I see these threads on here, I often wonder if it's a cultural thing. I grew up in a village and can imagine that if I'd spent my whole life there, I would have been judged for not following the 'normal' path of get married and have children. Instead, I moved away and work for a multinational company in a big city. I have never felt judged for not having children and I would say that about half the women I work with are childfree by choice.

Okokokbear · 19/02/2021 11:14

Also I think our age is definitely a thing as it's starting to get close to not being possible. So way more likely when you say I'm not having them people don't secretly think you'll change your mind. As there's not as much time!

It's also definitely something I've thought about from 30 plus that my fertility is declining. So am I 100% and the answer is yes for me.

ChancesWhatChances · 19/02/2021 11:15

If you don’t want children, don’t have them. Having children when you’re not really sure you want them does no good for anyone. Societies opinion on a lack of children absolutely is not important, and anyone judging you for that are people who have no self awareness or can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to be like them. They tend to be incredibly self absorbed and selfish individuals and you’re best staying well clear of them (regardless of if you have children or not.)

LunaHeather · 19/02/2021 11:17

Unfortunately there is a lot of this around

It's best to ignore it.

When I hit 40 and was clearly still happy with being single and childfree, I found people shut up. Now I'm getting older women with children telling me I made the right choice!

Surlyburd · 19/02/2021 11:18

Op, its fine to not have children. In fact, you have probably put more thought into having children than people that have had them. People shouldn't be judgemental. Just say, "i dont want children" and leave it at that.

OrigamiOwl · 19/02/2021 11:18

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn

You’ll feel more judged when someone comes on this thread & innocently asks why women without children are on Mumsnet. Happens every time.
There has already been the required two new threads started this week asking "why are there childless people on Mumsnet" so the next one isn't due for at least the next 2 days.
Bluekangaroo123 · 19/02/2021 11:19

I know it’s really hard OP but try not to let pressure from other people sway you. As PP have said sometimes they have their own weird reasons like wanting validation for their own choices. Like you say being a parent is very hard even if you really want it. I think some parents feel like everyone should experience how hard it is! I have one daughter & I think it’s the same in terms of pressure to have two. Since I’ve hit my 40’s I’m really working on not caring as much what other people think.

lightand · 19/02/2021 11:26

How many people are doing it to you op?
Where I used to work, there was a woman who didnt want children. Fair enough. Up to her. As far as I know, none of the employees[about 20] thought she was wrong for that. It was only her herself, who used to bring up the subject.

Newbiemum20 · 19/02/2021 11:29

Women get judged for not having children, not having enough children, having too many children, being a SAHM, working full-time etc. Basically women always seemed to be judged regardless! So I know it's hard but just live your best life. Just think it's probably jealousy!! You have more disposable income, freedom, can travel at a whim so enjoy!! Don't give in to stupid society pressure.

LunaHeather · 19/02/2021 11:32

Yes..my best friend was so stressed out after dealing with her niece's birthday at soft play, she once said to me "next time you're coming with me so you can see how awful it is".

I kept quiet but of course I don't need to see it.

She's in a terrible spot because her sister is constantly asking for childcare. It's affected our friendship because every time she sees her sister, the child is in tow, and she needs more recovery time.

I used to think people were joking about spreading the misery but now I'm not so sure. Her sister drinks A LOT. I'm pretty sure she regrets her choice.