Fed up with feeling judged for not having children

[Rainydays55]

I’m in my mid 30s and feel waves of really feeling judged for not having children , am I the only one?! Being a mum is not something that has ever really been on my radar, lots of my friends have had children since my 20s and I’ve seen how hard it is on them and their relationships as well as being lovely and that’s for people who have really wanted children. When I try to imagine having children in the future , because people have made me feel unusual for not having them, I try to picture being pregnant and having a child of different ages and it just feels weird for me to imagine, it’s hard to explain. But despite that at times people’s opinions , mixed with maybe hormones, try and make me imagine it to make sure I’m making the right decision. And then a few days later I think why am I even questioning myself, it’s not something I want.
I guess in my 20s I could easily say oh maybe one day or not for years, but now mid 30s people seem really serious when they say you ll regret this
which makes me worry!?
I don’t have any siblings so I won’t be an auntie and I feel sorry for my parents not being grandparents but I am auntie to lots of my friends children and a godmother .
I guess I just want someone to say it is ok whatever you choose and people maybe don’t look at me and think I’m weird like I think people do?! There just seems to be a lot more pressure on you in your 30s compared to 20s.

@Ginfordinner

I'm disappointed that some posters have such horrible friends. I never had any horrible comments before I had DD.

I never had them from friends. I had the ‘You’ll change your mind when you’re older’ thing from the parents of acquaintances — hilariously, in one case, from a man who had barely seen his own multiple children throughout their childhood, but appeared to think parenthood was an unmissable experience nonetheless — and had comments from strangers or friends of friends about how I’d regret it. Quite often from men, actually. They appeared to find a woman who didn’t see motherhood as a necessary milestone threatening.

And the comments about how selfish having an only child was came from people I hardly knew in a bizarrely conformist village we lived in when DS was a baby.

DD is 20, and really dislikes babies and small children. She always has done even from being very small She never even enjoyed playing with dolls. She is absolutely sure that she never wants children, and hates it when people tell her that she will change her mind.

Interestingly, the people who say this are all people who hve had children, none of them are child free.

Whatever DD decides to do I'm happy. I have no expectation of grandchildren, and would never pressurise her to have them.

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?... Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

No, not at all.

Do you ever worry that your children won’t want children of their own? Or that they won’t want you to play a significant role in their lives? Do you ever worry that you’ll become infirm with age and your children will be too busy with their own lives to help care for you? Or that they’ll move abroad and you’ll get a couple of calls a year? That you’ll spend every significant occasion at home, alone in your armchair? Not speaking to another soul except when you go and get your shopping? Because that stuff happens to thousands of elderly people up and down the country and they certainly aren’t all childfree.

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?... Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

Have you read all the threads on here about going NC with parents, or conflict between MILs and SILs? Yes, some people have blissful relationships with their adult kids and their GC, but lots don't. And, even if you have a great relationship, your adult kids might move to Australia, or not want to have children of their own.

If you want kids anyway, and you then have a great relationship with their children in due course, that's a lovely bonus. But having kids so that you can have GC in later life is crazy.

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?... Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

I doubt that they do. I don't understand why some parents think it odd that some people just don't want children. Life has so much more to offer. Having children is just one part of it. I expect that child free people find that their life is fulfilled anyway.

Parents of grown up children have no right to expect grandchildren, and expecting them to be around you at the end of your life is rather presumptuous don't you think?

And I say this as a parent.

It’s pure projection.

Either they have some deep seated regrets, however small, about their decision to have kids. Or they can’t shake the sense of how things might have been different or better without them. So they fixate on trying to get everyone else to make the same decision they did so they’re not alone. Misery loves company.

Or their lives are so empty they just can’t fathom how someone else could be enjoying themselves and satisfied without kids.

It’s nothing about you. Not having kids a normal state. Not wanting them is normal. It’s so normal it’s almost boring. Having or not having kids shouldn’t be the most interesting factor in your life.

It’s not you, it’s them.

Oh and lots of people regret having had their kids. It’s a taboo to discuss so people often don’t realise, and they say daft shit like ‘you might regret not having them but you never regret your kids’. Some do.

Tattoo this on your arm if you have to, for when you’re faced with this weird prying nonsense: it’s about them, not you.

@MotherExtraordinaire

IRL I don't know anyone who regrets a having children. I know a few women who regret not having children, including one who is trying ivf at 49 and another who has been suicidal and in counselling.

You probably do but they just haven’t told you. It’s not exactly a typical topic of conversation. In my line of work I speak to many people who deeply regret having had children.

@LucilleTheVampireBat

do find myself a bit sad for my friends who choose not to have kids that they'll never experience it

Imagine how offended and defensive you would be if I said "I feel sad for my friends who have saddled themselves with screaming, night-waking, expensive dependents that they will have to consider in all of their decisions until the day they drop dead".

Yep this.

Are you me?!?

I’m the same. Love children, work with children every day in fact ... no desire to have them.

I was like you, in the “one day” camp, and now one day is beocming “now or never” But I still don’t want any so... I guess that’s a never! And I’m happy about that.

What I struggle with is feeling left out. But that doesn’t mean I want kids to fit in, it just means I want more people to be childfree by choice to keep me company!

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?

Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

I obviously think about this not thst I'll be missing something. But that I won't have someone to look after me! But there's absolutely no guarantee of having this family around. They could move as could I. Also loads of people have no contact with family.

I'd also rather not spend my life doing something really boring that I would hate just to have someone perhaps feel obliged to me when I'm old.

I also imagine I will be able to enjoy this time just like I do now, doing what I want but with more freedom away from work.

I also have a sister I'm really close to and nieces as well as my partner and friends. So it's not like I have no one.

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?... Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

Three out of my four grandparents spent their final years with dementia and didn't know their children or grandchildren by the end. I don't want to live long enough to get into that state. I will make sure I go while the going's good.

Even if they don't say it out loud, if you don't have children many people who do have them will infantilize you. They'll assume your life is full of nothing but seeking out your own pleasure, and utterly devoid of any responsibility.

Source: any of the threads about AIBU to ask childless couples what they do at weekends.

It's your life and your choice and it's absolutely fine! I've got quite a few friends who didn't want kids, one or two that did want kids but couldn't have them and friends with kids. I think a lot more people don't judge people for having/not having kids, but those people are far less vocal.

Women get judged for everything. You just have to learn to desensitize yourself if you are confident and happy with your choice.
I have DC so not judged on that front but I've been judged for moving abroad short term and selfishly leaving my mum, judged for choosing to step down at work as this is 'unambitious', judged for being thin (must have an eating disorder...). I've just come to terms with the the fact that women are judged and I've learnt to get on with my choices and not give a shit.

Thing is some people do change their minds. A number of friends in their 20s were adamant they didn't ever want children, then were desperate to have them in their 30s. I'm now in my 40s and of my 3 closest friends who remain childless, I would be very surprised if any of them had children now. That said, one has looked at freezing her eggs and the other two have both mentioned looking into adoption. But that's by the by. It's rude to ask about another person's reproduction and ruder still to assume that the person you are asking has got their answer wrong.

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?... Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

No.

Why would I feel that there’s something missing later when I haven’t in my 40+ years to date? Why, indeed, would it be considered that a life without children is lacking?

As for when I get old let me ask another question: why do you think having children means you won’t be lonely later in life? You only have to look at a handful of threads here, or around you in real life, to see so many families that have no contact or don’t really like each other, or who live miles apart. Can you really not imagine why someone would not have a child they didn’t want - and which would affect the whole of the rest of their life - on the off-chance that they provided some sort of obligated life insurance?

Thing is some people do change their minds...then they were desperate

Thing is, others don’t. The whole “You’ll change your mind, my friend’s sister’s budgerigar did and she’s SO happy now” (or, even worse the “She left it too late, poor thing, and she regrets her choices”) thing is so old it’s got whiskers and a Zimmer frame.

@IsThisNews

Thing is some people do change their minds. A number of friends in their 20s were adamant they didn't ever want children, then were desperate to have them in their 30s. I'm now in my 40s and of my 3 closest friends who remain childless, I would be very surprised if any of them had children now. That said, one has looked at freezing her eggs and the other two have both mentioned looking into adoption. But that's by the by. It's rude to ask about another person's reproduction and ruder still to assume that the person you are asking has got their answer wrong.

But plenty of people who do want them may not be in a position to attempt conception in their 20s (finances, career, not met right person). I don't really see that your friends' mind-change can have made much difference.

I went NC with my family after years of harassment about why I wasn't giving them children. DH is 38 and still gets people demanding to know why he doesn't want kids. No answer he gives is good enough and people get so offended when he says he just doesn't want children. I'm 22 and I worry this is all we'll ever hear. Our neighbour is mid 60s and still gets berated when people find out she chose not to have children.

The worst part is when people use their loss, fertility issues or money problems against us. I've had friends guilt trip me for not having children when they can't have them.

The good part is I sleep 10 hours a night, I still have sex and none of my clothes have sick stains on

I like sleep too much to have kids

@BrightYellowDaffodil

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?... Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

No.

Why would I feel that there’s something missing later when I haven’t in my 40+ years to date? Why, indeed, would it be considered that a life without children is lacking?

As for when I get old let me ask another question: why do you think having children means you won’t be lonely later in life? You only have to look at a handful of threads here, or around you in real life, to see so many families that have no contact or don’t really like each other, or who live miles apart. Can you really not imagine why someone would not have a child they didn’t want - and which would affect the whole of the rest of their life - on the off-chance that they provided some sort of obligated life insurance?

In the same way I have never felt “something missing” that needed to be filled by having children, I don’t have a hole needing to be filled by grandchildren.

You may never have grandchildren anyway or see much of them if you do. Your kids may emigrate or marry a partner who doesn’t really like you. Grandchildren grow up quickly and don’t want to spend all their time with the elderly.

There’s a whole world out there with so much to enjoy. Why limit your future happiness down to the off-chance that some future relationships will follow some plan in your head?

@Ploughingthrough

Women get judged for everything. You just have to learn to desensitize yourself if you are confident and happy with your choice. I have DC so not judged on that front but I've been judged for moving abroad short term and selfishly leaving my mum, judged for choosing to step down at work as this is 'unambitious', judged for being thin (must have an eating disorder...). I've just come to terms with the the fact that women are judged and I've learnt to get on with my choices and not give a shit.

This!

Even if they don't say it out loud, if you don't have children many people who do have them will infantilize you. They'll assume your life is full of nothing but seeking out your own pleasure, and utterly devoid of any responsibility

Yes this. We used to get this a lot. As we lived in London before we inherited our two teenagers, people thought that we were out partying, on mini breaks, spending lots of money, huge shopping trips, binge drinking....the sad truth was that like every other 40 something couple we would spend the weekends knackered from demanding jobs, doing housework, cooking and the food shopping. Oh and catching up with work as we didn't have 9-5 jobs.

I think it comes from people who had their kids in their 20's or early 30's and so had those fun years before they had kids but can't contemplate that everyone's life slows down as they get older.

My adopted kids done want kids and we're happy with that. Either of them had great childhoods and both are enjoying growing up and becoming more independent. People outside the family already tell them that they will change their minds, but knowing them like I do, and knowing that we are their role models, I believe them.

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?... Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

That never crosses my mind no.

When I think of being older I'm more concerned about pension and financial security. Having children because you're afraid not to be surrounded by grandchildren in your 70's is a bizarre choice.

When I think of being older I'm more concerned about pension and financial security. Having children because you're afraid not to be surrounded by grandchildren in your 70's is a bizarre choice.

And then there are all the threads by people who can’t stand their MILs...