Fed up with feeling judged for not having children

[Rainydays55]

I’m in my mid 30s and feel waves of really feeling judged for not having children , am I the only one?! Being a mum is not something that has ever really been on my radar, lots of my friends have had children since my 20s and I’ve seen how hard it is on them and their relationships as well as being lovely and that’s for people who have really wanted children. When I try to imagine having children in the future , because people have made me feel unusual for not having them, I try to picture being pregnant and having a child of different ages and it just feels weird for me to imagine, it’s hard to explain. But despite that at times people’s opinions , mixed with maybe hormones, try and make me imagine it to make sure I’m making the right decision. And then a few days later I think why am I even questioning myself, it’s not something I want.
I guess in my 20s I could easily say oh maybe one day or not for years, but now mid 30s people seem really serious when they say you ll regret this
which makes me worry!?
I don’t have any siblings so I won’t be an auntie and I feel sorry for my parents not being grandparents but I am auntie to lots of my friends children and a godmother .
I guess I just want someone to say it is ok whatever you choose and people maybe don’t look at me and think I’m weird like I think people do?! There just seems to be a lot more pressure on you in your 30s compared to 20s.

[quote Emeraldshamrock]@BashfulClam I'm sorry. I don't why any thinks it is okay to question these things. [/quote]
Me neither but apparently it is ok to ask childless women about their personal reproductive health. I’ve also had ‘you don’t understand as you aren’t a mother!’ And at a client function ‘I have 2 boys but bashful hates children...‘ Erm what now?

I have 5 female cousins and only 2 of them has had children. One of the childfree ones would have liked to have had children but never met the right person. I feel sad for her about that but she is godmother to over 10 children and makes huge efforts to be a part of their lives. I don't feel sad about or judge the other 2; I admire their decisiveness! They all live very full lives and have masses of friends.

People will always judge / feel threatened by people who make different life choices to them as it makes them question their own choices

@billy1966 I see it. But being nosy and judgemental about someone else’s circumstances is not a life choice! It is an act of inconsiderate rudeness.

So if I am judging these judgemental arseholes, I can live with that 😂 You won’t see my sticking my nose into anyone else’s business and telling them how they should live their lives, that’s for sure.

It took us nearly a year for us to conceive our second and the constant comments about when we were giving DC a sibling drove me to distraction. So. Bloody. Rude.

You sound like me OP. I've found myself avoiding situations where I know I might get comments, for example, gatherings of DH's friends who all have kids (much easier during Covid times!). It does make you feel rubbish when you get those comments.

I really think so many people just cannot fathom that others can possibly feel differently to them.

you don’t understand as you aren’t a mother

I'm not a pilot either but when I see an aeroplane floating in the sea, I know someone's fucked up.

@LucilleTheVampireBat

do find myself a bit sad for my friends who choose not to have kids that they'll never experience it

Imagine how offended and defensive you would be if I said "I feel sad for my friends who have saddled themselves with screaming, night-waking, expensive dependents that they will have to consider in all of their decisions until the day they drop dead".

IKR? And being the child can be horrible too. I know people who still have parents in their 60s. Scary.

I have 5 female cousins and only 2 of them has had children. One of the childfree ones would have liked to have had children but never met the right person. I feel sad for her about that but she is godmother to over 10 children and makes huge efforts to be a part of their lives. I don't feel sad about or judge the other 2; I admire their decisiveness! They all live very full lives and have masses of friends.

People will always judge / feel threatened by people who make different life choices to them as it makes them question their own choices.

When I was pregnant with my 2nd child a woman at work looked at my bump and loudly said how she couldn't bear the thought of having children and didn't know how I could stand it. Nice!

Somehow managed to post twice! Sorry.

I think some people just aren't very imaginative and can't picture you having internal thoughts and feelings that aren't the same as theirs.

There's also a group who seem to think it's an expression of their love for their children to go on about how marvelous it is and that you mustn't miss out.

I do have dcs and I love them very much, but looking deep inside myself, and at the lives of my friends and family who don't (around 50% I would say, and we're all either past or nearly past the fertility point), I would have had a perfectly lovely life if I'd stayed child-free. That doesn't mean that I wish I hadn't had them, just that there are lots of ways to be happy and fullfilled in life.

I think the questioning probably dies down once you hit your mid 40s op. But yanbu - people honestly need to wind their necks in.

It is ridiculous intrusive and insensitive usually comments made by thoughtless people.

I know people who still have parents in their 60s. Scary
My neighbours son collects his pension he has never moved out he is 67 he is a functioning adult no SN his parents are fit and well in their 80's.
Over-stayed by 49 years.
The horror. 😨

In my mid 50s and people response to this is like a built in wanker test. If they discount you and demean you because of it, fuck em. They are not worth time and energy. There are lots of parents out there who should have remained childless - I know because as a therapist I work with a lot of their children. Keep doing you. I have not regretted it at all. It was 100% the right decision for me.

OP, I could have written this. I'm not maternal, I'm not bothered about children, I can't imagine being pregnant, I can't imagine being up all night with a screaming newborn, I can't imagine potty training, I can't imagine standing at the school gates waiting for my child to finish for the day. The list goes on.

A man who says this? It's fine and normal for them to feel this way.

A woman who says this? You are strange and unusual, probably stirring up lizard carcasses in a bubbling cauldron in your gingerbread house.

It's shit really that society can't accept that some women - God forbid them - are simply not maternal.

I don't think they are really worried that you regret it later; I think you are making them uncomfortable by challenging deeply entrenched gender norms. I also agree that it's bugger all to do with anyone else and it's rude to be questioning you like this. Really rude. Can you imagine if some random said to a pregnant woman, 'why are you having a baby?' What's the difference?! I respect your decision, you know your own mind, not just going along with what society expects - good for you.

Dismiss them as narrow-minded, empty-headed fools Yep this what I do.

I dont have many friends with children (I'm 33) my best friend is 11 years older than me and over the years I have gotten to know her sister and sisters in law. (All have children) So before covid we would all meet up for occasions.

They had a tradition of going to the pub for a meal on mother's day. They always asked me to come even though I wasn't a mother.

But the last time we went,one of them kept pushing me 'Come on Notime...when is it happening for you, we've been waiting?! ''

When I told her I wouldn't be having kids she stood there confused..searching my face to figure out if I was being sarcastic or making a joke...it was very awkward indeed.

She looked around shocked at the rest of the women..who all looked awkward and embarrassed too..but..embarrassed for me!!!!!!???????
One of them said,smiling..but not looking at me.. .. ''ah come on though all jokes aside ..really, get a move on with it'

So I had to announce again I wont be having children..I dont want to,its not everybody and it's not for me'' they all looked utterly confused and like I was a fucking weirdo.
There were rolling eyes,scoffs, warnings of regret and one even shaking her head with an 'unbelievable' smirk on her face ...you know that look and head shake.

So I said one last time ''its grand. Kids just arent for me '' and I was told to end the conversation before I upset someone???!!!!!
I was told later by another woman that I was coming across as 'thinkin my life was better than theirs and I was better than them because I dont have kids???...that I was ''looking down my nose at them all'' Please please tell me where I did that ????

We really, really need to start moving towards this kind of acceptance. Many women over the generations will have had children only because it’s expected of them. They may well have suffered as a result. Their children may have suffered. It should not be socially taboo for a woman to say she is not maternal and doesn’t want kids.

Who is judging you? Friends?
You need better friends.
I never felt judged when I was child free. I am a parent now, but DD was an unexpected surprise when I was 41.

I'll add my job is to work with children and I had this woman's son in my class. She knew I adored children and spent most of my waking hours with them.

@Notimeforaname

Dismiss them as narrow-minded, empty-headed fools Yep this what I do.

I dont have many friends with children (I'm 33) my best friend is 11 years older than me and over the years I have gotten to know her sister and sisters in law. (All have children) So before covid we would all meet up for occasions.

They had a tradition of going to the pub for a meal on mother's day. They always asked me to come even though I wasn't a mother.

But the last time we went,one of them kept pushing me 'Come on Notime...when is it happening for you, we've been waiting?! ''

When I told her I wouldn't be having kids she stood there confused..searching my face to figure out if I was being sarcastic or making a joke...it was very awkward indeed.

She looked around shocked at the rest of the women..who all looked awkward and embarrassed too..but..embarrassed for me!!!!!!???????
One of them said,smiling..but not looking at me.. .. ''ah come on though all jokes aside ..really, get a move on with it'

So I had to announce again I wont be having children..I dont want to,its not everybody and it's not for me'' they all looked utterly confused and like I was a fucking weirdo.
There were rolling eyes,scoffs, warnings of regret and one even shaking her head with an 'unbelievable' smirk on her face ...you know that look and head shake.

So I said one last time ''its grand. Kids just arent for me '' and I was told to end the conversation before I upset someone???!!!!!
I was told later by another woman that I was coming across as 'thinkin my life was better than theirs and I was better than them because I dont have kids???...that I was ''looking down my nose at them all'' Please please tell me where I did that ????

Wow! That really shouts misery loves company. They're not really selling their experience of motherhood.

sleepyhead yes it was most strange. All I could take away from it was that they were projecting. It was really nothing to do with me.

I fully understand this. I am 34 and my DP has two girls. We argued at the weekend because I had a lie in. I took myself off to tesco for 3 hours and mooched about. He couldn’t do those things as he had the kids. That’s the choice he made.

I’m still sometimes very on the fence about having them and often get asked if we are “trying” or told it’s the next step?! Why is it? Do children suddenly make your life 10x better? Because all I see is people struggling, tired, divorced etc. I’m not sure it’s all it’s cracked up to be!

So next time someone asks you just say no. I don’t want them. It will soon shut them up.

We can't escape life without being judged...

...for having no children / for only having one child (oh the poor thing doesn't have a sibling!) / for having more than one child (think of the environment!) / for being a SAHM / for working full time as a mum... Honestly it's ridiculous and unavoidable.

All I'll say is, try not to give a shit what people think and enjoy life how you want to.

I do have dcs and I love them very much, but looking deep inside myself, and at the lives of my friends and family who don't (around 50% I would say, and we're all either past or nearly past the fertility point), I would have had a perfectly lovely life if I'd stayed child-free. That doesn't mean that I wish I hadn't had them, just that there are lots of ways to be happy and fullfilled in life.

So true, but I think people who feel like you - that their lives would have been equally good without children, but in a different way - are in the minority. I've often seen on here "my life would have been so empty if I hadn't had children" - but I think that says more about them than about the experience of having children.

@Notimeforaname

sleepyhead yes it was most strange. All I could take away from it was that they were projecting. It was really nothing to do with me.

I would have been very upset and walked out.

Are you still in touch with them? They sound pyschotic.

*or even psychotic!