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Original poster

Fed up with feeling judged for not having children

219 replies

Rainydays55 · 19/02/2021 10:39

I’m in my mid 30s and feel waves of really feeling judged for not having children , am I the only one?! Being a mum is not something that has ever really been on my radar, lots of my friends have had children since my 20s and I’ve seen how hard it is on them and their relationships as well as being lovely and that’s for people who have really wanted children. When I try to imagine having children in the future , because people have made me feel unusual for not having them, I try to picture being pregnant and having a child of different ages and it just feels weird for me to imagine, it’s hard to explain. But despite that at times people’s opinions , mixed with maybe hormones, try and make me imagine it to make sure I’m making the right decision. And then a few days later I think why am I even questioning myself, it’s not something I want.
I guess in my 20s I could easily say oh maybe one day or not for years, but now mid 30s people seem really serious when they say you ll regret this
which makes me worry!?
I don’t have any siblings so I won’t be an auntie and I feel sorry for my parents not being grandparents but I am auntie to lots of my friends children and a godmother .
I guess I just want someone to say it is ok whatever you choose and people maybe don’t look at me and think I’m weird like I think people do?! There just seems to be a lot more pressure on you in your 30s compared to 20s.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 21/02/2021 11:21

I would have had a perfectly lovely life if I'd stayed child-free. That doesn't mean that I wish I hadn't had them, just that there are lots of ways to be happy and fullfilled in life

That descrbes me in a nutshell. My life is different post DC, not better or worse, just different.

BoarOnTheFloor · 21/02/2021 11:22

She was an amazing mum, best ever, I never felt any pain or hurt from her telling me that. If anything I felt closer to her that she’d trusted me enough to be so open and honest.

That’s really lovely.

ColdBrightClearMorning · 21/02/2021 11:25

@BoarOnTheFloor

She was an amazing mum, best ever, I never felt any pain or hurt from her telling me that. If anything I felt closer to her that she’d trusted me enough to be so open and honest.

That’s really lovely.

We had a great relationship :) I really felt for her, and was even more amazed she’d done such a brilliant job as a mother despite holding those regrets ❤️
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/02/2021 11:37

@RampantIvy

I would have had a perfectly lovely life if I'd stayed child-free. That doesn't mean that I wish I hadn't had them, just that there are lots of ways to be happy and fullfilled in life

That descrbes me in a nutshell. My life is different post DC, not better or worse, just different.

Well put. I feel the same in reverse. It sometimes feels as if it's fine for parents to complain about every aspect of the job (as long as they don't say IRL that they regret actual parenthood), but that, if CF people admit to there being any disadvantages of being CF, that's tantamount to admitting their whole decision to be CF was wrong.

I never doubted that I would have enjoyed some aspects of parenting, or that I am missing out on some lovely things by being CF. But, for me, that wasn't enough to outweigh the disadvantages. I was - and am - very happy with my CF life and I didn't want to roll the dice and gamble on being even happier with children.

gutful · 21/02/2021 11:52

It f it wasn’t so taboo for parents to admit feeling regretful then people who opt out of it wouldn’t get such a hard time.

That’s why we get told we are selfish, even though having children is an entirely selfish act. Nobody seriously has kids because they feel a desire to help produce the next generation of tax payers, or birth the person who will help solve world poverty or AIDS. People have them Because they want to.

The thing is that idea of wanting kids isn’t just biology - it’s ingrained into us socially that that’s what people do.

When someone says they have decided to opt out it seemingly threatens the choices people have made to live the “normal” life & we are called selfish for putting our own wants & desires before someone who doesn’t even exist.

I do think in a sense misery loves company. Or responsibility loves company.

Most of what we are told parenting is like is a lie. That is why they say you don’t know what it’s like till you have them.

Also when people say you will regret it that is based on the assumption that you would have theoretically birthed a completely healthy child.

It is harder to begrudge someone who’s child had profound disabilities/health issues for feeling regret at that misfortune.

Although there will still be those that do & say that god doesn’t give anyone anything they can’t handle!

eye roll

Cauterize · 21/02/2021 14:32

I was never bothered about having children, no interest in babies or young children whatsoever.

By the time I was 32 I panicked and thought I was getting left behind, that I'd regret not having one. So I did and I found the first 4 yrs SO hard. Lots of regret, struggles with mental health, really resented the complete loss of freedom and my marriage nearly ended.....

My son is now 6 and whilst he's fantastic and there are so many elements to parenthood that I genuinely enjoy, I still miss my old life.

I have several child free friends and good on them I say. Their lives appear infinitely more exciting than mine!

Whilst I can't imagine a life without my son now, I do sometimes kick myself that I gave in to a perceived pressure because I would have had a perfectly lovely, fulfilling life if I'd stuck to my guns and not had any!

Cauterize · 21/02/2021 14:33

I should also add that I've been repeatedly told that my son will be lonely (I don't want any more) so still the pressure comes. But this time I'm not going to allow myself to be pressured into another child that I don't want!

Ohclappyyayy · 21/02/2021 14:56

I do wonder if we feel it more being child free because the subject of the judgement stays the same? So it’s when you getting engaged, then married, then having kids?... then people with children get - when you having another? How are you feeding them? Are you sure about (parenting method) a or b? Are you having a third? Whereas being child free we are stuck on the same question. Just a thought.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/02/2021 15:00

@Ohclappyyayy

I do wonder if we feel it more being child free because the subject of the judgement stays the same? So it’s when you getting engaged, then married, then having kids?... then people with children get - when you having another? How are you feeding them? Are you sure about (parenting method) a or b? Are you having a third? Whereas being child free we are stuck on the same question. Just a thought.
Interesting point. Maybe we need to give them more to disapprove of? Get facial tattoos, become swingers, start working for a Columbian drug cartel...
Ohclappyyayy · 21/02/2021 15:04

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow already tried all of these things, and still, ‘when’s the baby coming??’ Wink

Limensoda · 21/02/2021 15:23

No one has 'made you feel unusual' for not having children. If you're sure you don't want any then that wouldn't feel unusual to you surely?
No one should judge your decision. I know people do but that's their problem, not yours.
I wonder whether you are sure yourself.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/02/2021 15:33

@Limensoda

No one has 'made you feel unusual' for not having children. If you're sure you don't want any then that wouldn't feel unusual to you surely? No one should judge your decision. I know people do but that's their problem, not yours. I wonder whether you are sure yourself.
How do you know what other people you have never met have made the OP feel?

A couple of incidents that have happened to me:

At a work event: twat man at my table says, "Let's all go round and say how many children we have and how old they are". Gets to me, I say none, his jaw literally drops and he says, "Really I can't believe it".
Did I think he was 'making me feel unusual'? Yes. (Though I was cheered by someone else on the table who cut in with, "I don't think they've made it compulsory yet, have they? Grin)

At a friend's dinner party, chatting to another guest. She asks how many children I have. I say none. She shrieks, "What? Why not?"

Did I think she was 'making me feel unusual'? Yes

Just two incidents of hundreds. Unless you have been through the same, don't tell me or the OP what we have been made to feel.

Ohclappyyayy · 21/02/2021 15:42

Of course you question yourself after a while if enough people act like you are weird or wrong. No matter what your choices are on any subject, if enough people act like you’re odd you’re surely going to wonder yourself. I think what some people overlook is the sheer amount of thought and decision making goes into not having children. I would hazard a guess that it is way more than the thought that often goes into having them.

LApprentiSorcier · 21/02/2021 15:47

At a work event: twat man at my table says, "Let's all go round and say how many children we have and how old they are". Gets to me, I say none, his jaw literally drops and he says, "Really I can't believe it".

What a prize bellend. He can't have thought for a second about what that question might mean to people - not only the childfree but the infertile or anyone who has tragically lost a child.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/02/2021 15:54

What a prize bellend. He can't have thought for a second about what that question might mean to people - not only the childfree but the infertile or anyone who has tragically lost a child

Agree. And, of course, I never know when I meet someone who doesn't have children whether they have chosen to be CF. So limensoda can fuck right off with the "No one is making you feel unusual". Actually people are - all the time - and it is difficult to meet other CF people to counter-balance it.

Suzi888 · 21/02/2021 15:59

I’d envy your freedom! It’s entirely your choice. Personally I’d never mention anyone’s lack of children, because you don’t know the reason why.

SecretSpAD · 23/02/2021 18:33

*I know for a fact that lots of my friends work harder at their marriages where kids are involved. They would have left years ago were it not for a few kids.

It's not a judgement on the childless. It's just a plain fact*

For a few of your friends. Not really a representative sample then. In my experience people with children are more likely to have problems in their relationship in the first place - but as that's based in a few of my friends with children then I can hardly claim it's true of all.

Sadsiblingatsea · 23/02/2021 18:45

I’m 58 and childless/child free etc.
I can honestly say, and I’m quite thin skinned, that not one person has ever been unkind or judgemental about this.
People are judgemental about all kinds of things but I’ve not experienced it about this issue.
Actually I think people are quite tactful about it as they are nervous about infertility.

Ohclappyyayy · 23/02/2021 20:40

People have been tactful with me until they realise I’m not infertile I just don’t want them.

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