Fed up with feeling judged for not having children

[Rainydays55]

I’m in my mid 30s and feel waves of really feeling judged for not having children , am I the only one?! Being a mum is not something that has ever really been on my radar, lots of my friends have had children since my 20s and I’ve seen how hard it is on them and their relationships as well as being lovely and that’s for people who have really wanted children. When I try to imagine having children in the future , because people have made me feel unusual for not having them, I try to picture being pregnant and having a child of different ages and it just feels weird for me to imagine, it’s hard to explain. But despite that at times people’s opinions , mixed with maybe hormones, try and make me imagine it to make sure I’m making the right decision. And then a few days later I think why am I even questioning myself, it’s not something I want.
I guess in my 20s I could easily say oh maybe one day or not for years, but now mid 30s people seem really serious when they say you ll regret this
which makes me worry!?
I don’t have any siblings so I won’t be an auntie and I feel sorry for my parents not being grandparents but I am auntie to lots of my friends children and a godmother .
I guess I just want someone to say it is ok whatever you choose and people maybe don’t look at me and think I’m weird like I think people do?! There just seems to be a lot more pressure on you in your 30s compared to 20s.

People judge women who don't have children, people judge women who have only 1 child, or too many, or too early, or too late.. Most of these people are women BTW.
It is not easy, but the only option is to ignore their opinion as the only thing that matters is what you want

I never understand the logic when people say you should have a kid in case you regret it. To me, the risk of regretting having a kid is way worse than the risk of regretting not having one so why would I have a kid I know I don't want just in case. That seems irresponsible really Anyway OP, don't worry just don't bring it up, people stop asking eventually I find (esp when they're busy with their own kids and don't have time to worry about whether other people have them or not).

Do your family accept your decision? Family can take it more personally I find but you just have to remain strong in your decision.

@dayslikethese1

I never understand the logic when people say you should have a kid in case you regret it. To me, the risk of regretting having a kid is way worse than the risk of regretting not having one so why would I have a kid I know I don't want just in case. That seems irresponsible really Anyway OP, don't worry just don't bring it up, people stop asking eventually I find (esp when they're busy with their own kids and don't have time to worry about whether other people have them or not).

Me neither. No one would advise anyone to marry someone they are not sure about, and that is a reversible decision!

It's your choice, but I do know plenty of women who thought like you until mid 30's then just as it got less likely to conceive they met their dp and were desperate for kids, in their 40's now they are remortgaging to afford ivf. It's unfortunate that there's a biological clock but it's just how it is.

LunaHeather well it's been a year since I've seen any of my friends relations...but I am in a WhatsApp group with them 😭🤣

@dayslikethese1

Do your family accept your decision? Family can take it more personally I find but you just have to remain strong in your decision.

If ever there was one post to sum up the unpleasantness of family!

OP, the only thing I can say is to ignore anyone whose opinion is not important (and that's almost everyone).

I felt all the same judgey pressure, then when I had my ds in my forties, I was judged for that too .

No pleasing some busybodies ! Enjoy your life as you wish

And I used to think it was really only women who get this but my partner gets it all the time off his boss. Its starting to bother him now. He is the only employee so spends all day working 1 on 1 with boss. And any time my partner talks about doing somthing or nothing...his boss will say things like...''ah that'll all change when you have kids...watch, you wont be able to do that anymore...its coming...no escape hahaha'' . 🙄

My partner tells him every time we wont be having children and this man just laughs and says things like ''ok buddy. Sure.. watch''
I'll add this man spends most of his day complaining to my partner that hes tired and never gets a moment to himself....🤷‍♀️

luna I agree, its bonkers. I told my DF I didn't want kids and his response was 'don't be ridiculous'. I've never brought it up since but I assume eventually he'll realise I'm serious when no babies appear.

Enjoy the freedom OP!

I’m mid 30s, never wanted children, fell pregnant and now have a toddler. While I wouldn’t change what happened I don’t doubt that I would have been happy being child-free.

I used to get so many people - both men and women- commenting on my child-free status (I’m married so it was presumably the next step ) It tended to be boring souls with no hobbies or interests. Nothing else to talk about and thought life was all about following a standard route of childhood/education - job - marry - have multiple children - work til retirement - go on Saga cruises.

Bollocks to that. You do whatever you like with your life. Nobody else’s business.

@CounsellorTroi

I do have dcs and I love them very much, but looking deep inside myself, and at the lives of my friends and family who don't (around 50% I would say, and we're all either past or nearly past the fertility point), I would have had a perfectly lovely life if I'd stayed child-free. That doesn't mean that I wish I hadn't had them, just that there are lots of ways to be happy and fullfilled in life.

So true, but I think people who feel like you - that their lives would have been equally good without children, but in a different way - are in the minority. I've often seen on here "my life would have been so empty if I hadn't had children" - but I think that says more about them than about the experience of having children.

I 100% agree with this. My life was bloody brilliant pre-kids. I love my life now too, it's just different.

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?

Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

YABU to let other people’s judgments affect you so much.

@Ijustknowitstimetogo I can only imagine they will be travelling the world, working, volunteering, eating out at lovely restaurants, and doing any number of awesome things in retirement it would be hard to do if they were pinned down by kids and grandkids.

Also, if they didn’t want kids as adults why on earth would they want grandkids in old age?

People will always judge / feel threatened by people who make different life choices to them as it makes them question their own choices

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My mum had 6 kids from 2 marriages. I remember her once talking at a cashier in mothercare, bitching about people without kids

It's obvious she was jealous and regretted her life choices. She pretended to be happy but all she ever did was shout and hit. Never played or spoke to any of us.

People will always judge / feel threatened by people who make different life choices to them as it makes them question their own choices

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My mum had 6 kids from 2 marriages. I remember her once talking at a cashier in mothercare, bitching about people without kids

It's obvious she was jealous and regretted her life choices. She pretended to be happy but all she ever did was shout and hit. Never played or spoke to any of us.

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?

Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

I think grandchildren becoming the main focus probably isn't going to happen unless you were also the sort of person who wanted to have kids as your main focus on the first place. Having children as (unreliable) insurance against having to rely of private or social care isn't particularly appealing either.

I feel there are so many groups /people that can’t be discriminated against but if you can’t have children whether through choice or infertility then it’s open season for some people to make snide remarks or comments . What infuriates me is no one ever makes comments to my DP about not having kids but I usually get at least one comment or question a week we actually haven’t been able to have them but haven’t pursued IVF etc but I really don’t feel anyone needs to know this

I know lots who don’t have children, it’s a personal choice and not for some

There’s enough children out there to keep the world

Maybe try a different tactic.

Next time it's mentioned try saying something like 'oh, I would never be selfish enough to have children in a world that is struggling to feed it's current population now, and who knows what it would be like by the time they would be adults, with global warming.'

I reckon that might shut them up.

My sons girlfriend was surprised when I didn't say something like 'oh, you'll change your mind' to her when she mentioned she didn't want kids, because she's heard it so many times before. It seems to be the one thing that people think women should aspire to. Nobody says 'you don''t want to travel the world? you'll change your mind.' or 'You don't want to do a masters? you'll change your mind'.

I’ve often seen on here "my life would have been so empty if I hadn't had children" - but I think that says more about them than about the experience of having children.

Agreed. The people who’ve judged me most pretty much had nothing going in their lives apart from going to work.

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?

Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

No. I know I’m happiest & healthiest as I am currently & there’s no way I’d sacrifice my happiness & wellbeing now on the offchance that it might pay off later.

Look, OP, a certain (fairly widespread) type of person who chooses a conventional path in life, which generally involves buying property, marriage and children as key life milestones, desperately needs other people to make the same decision to shore up their life choices.

Those people are agog when they see someone make different decisions, and suspect that these people 'have it easier' than they do, and hence want to try to undermine the other person's confidence in their (often marginally) less conventional decision.

Eg. They bought a house? Oh, you're 'throwing money away' on rent or 'paying someone else's mortgage'. They've never spent more than a fortnight away from their home town? Oh, you'll regret going to live in Germany/Ghana/Ecuador because you'll miss out on all your family occasions. They got married? Oh, you'll die alone eaten by your Alsatians. They had 2 children? Oh, you'll die alone, eaten by your Alsatians (again).

Having children is the key life decision that features in this kind of mildly nosy undermining, largely because your life as a childfree person can look awfully attractive and free to someone struggling with parenting.

Basically, your decision not to have children makes them realise that they made a choice to have theirs. They didn't have to, no one made them.

Take not the slighest notice.

I was happily childfree until 40, and took not the slightest bit of notice of the people who were so certain I was going to regret not having a child. Then, within about ten minutes of me having DS, the same kind of person (essentially strangers met at other people's parties) was all about when I was having another child, and when I said I had no intention of having another, they started banging on about how selfish it was to have a 'lonely only', and how I would definitely regret that. Because to someone with three children, my very adaptable, portable one child looked 'too easy.' He travelled with us, he was cheaper in terms of childcare, he took less looking after, he moved countries with us etc etc.

I did choose to have a child in the end, and he's wonderful, and I'm glad I did. But I know perfectly well I would have been equally, though differently, contented had I continued childfree.

Don't do anything you don't want to, and don't ever do something you don't want to because someone else tells you you'll regret it later on if you don't. Good luck either way.

I'm nearly 50 and don't have children. I've never felt judged for it and no one has asked why I don't. If they did, I'd just say that I don't want to and move the conversation on. Another great one is just silence. Say nothing and then change the subject. It's a really rude intrusive question. You may be infertile or your partner may be, there could be any number of reasons why you can't or don't have children.

I don't regret it OP. Never have.