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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with feeling judged for not having children

219 replies

Rainydays55 · 19/02/2021 10:39

I’m in my mid 30s and feel waves of really feeling judged for not having children , am I the only one?! Being a mum is not something that has ever really been on my radar, lots of my friends have had children since my 20s and I’ve seen how hard it is on them and their relationships as well as being lovely and that’s for people who have really wanted children. When I try to imagine having children in the future , because people have made me feel unusual for not having them, I try to picture being pregnant and having a child of different ages and it just feels weird for me to imagine, it’s hard to explain. But despite that at times people’s opinions , mixed with maybe hormones, try and make me imagine it to make sure I’m making the right decision. And then a few days later I think why am I even questioning myself, it’s not something I want.
I guess in my 20s I could easily say oh maybe one day or not for years, but now mid 30s people seem really serious when they say you ll regret this
which makes me worry!?
I don’t have any siblings so I won’t be an auntie and I feel sorry for my parents not being grandparents but I am auntie to lots of my friends children and a godmother .
I guess I just want someone to say it is ok whatever you choose and people maybe don’t look at me and think I’m weird like I think people do?! There just seems to be a lot more pressure on you in your 30s compared to 20s.

OP posts:
Bluekangaroo123 · 19/02/2021 11:33

So true @Newbiemum20!

MonsterMunchPaws · 19/02/2021 11:35

Of course it’s ok, this is your life and your choice.

ReggieKrait · 19/02/2021 11:41

I’d say that those that judge you are people you wouldn’t want as your friend, nor should you spend any of your precious time and energy giving them head space.

Dismiss them as narrow-minded, empty-headed fools. I have plenty of friends who don’t want kids and that is just one tiny aspect of who they are. I really couldn’t care less as long as they are doing what makes them happy.

Funneth · 19/02/2021 11:45

Women are supposed to fit neatly into what people expect women should be, so when people see one of them deviating from that or, heaven forbid, actually enjoying their life without taking care of everyone else within a 15 miles radius it sets off alarm bells in some people's minds.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 19/02/2021 11:48

It's ok and you're doing the right thing. For you.

I have kids and over all I'm glad I do. But equally I respect people who appreciate it's not for them.

We all want different things. Some want big careers, some want a life packed with education. Some want extensive travel. Some want big social networks, others want intense hobbies. Some want kids, some want complete independence. ALL of that is ok.

I think you need to come up with a response to people. Something like "it's not for me. I've thought about it and I want other things". And leave it at that.

Jollygoodtime · 19/02/2021 11:57

I love our children but it’s hard. If you don’t want them don’t have them. It’s irresponsible of people to try to convince people who do not want them to have them. I was older when I had them and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. People like other people to validate their life choices and do the same as them. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Yo are responsible for these little humans, not them. Will these people be picking up your slack and there when you need them without question? Probably not. It’s nothing to do with anyone but the two people making the babies.

lightand · 19/02/2021 12:05

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn

You’ll feel more judged when someone comes on this thread & innocently asks why women without children are on Mumsnet. Happens every time.
Mumsnet has as it's tagline "for parents by parents". Why they dont change it, is beyond me. But their choice.
problembottom · 19/02/2021 12:08

It’s absolutely fine not to want kids OP, I don’t judge. I loved my old life and there are so many things I miss about it. I adore my DD but don’t subscribe to the “life begins when you have kids” bollocks.

Fridainexile · 19/02/2021 12:09

Women are judged whatever they do.

ktp100 · 19/02/2021 12:11

I've been on both sides of this - I was adamant I didn't want kids until I was 37, I experienced the judgement and it pissed me off! Of course it's absolutely acceptable and normal for a woman to choose not to have children and frankly it's nobody else's business. These conversations must be particularly difficult for women who can't conceive. It's just shit.

I hit a really intense nesting phase and changed my mind (thank you evolutionary features that fuck women over with hormonal interference) and had my first at 40. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't imagine a life without my son now and am so glad I changed my mind. The joy is (again, thanks to evolution!) like nothing else and yes, I do find myself a bit sad for my friends who choose not to have kids that they'll never experience it.

THAT SAID - I keep those feelings in my head!!

So, now I think these comments mostly come from a well meaning place, one in which people honestly think you're missing out, BUT it is annoying, and it's none of their business.

Your life, your choice, OP.

I do agree with the above comment that women get judged whatever they do, though.

CounsellorTroi · 19/02/2021 12:11

@Fridainexile

Women are judged whatever they do.
Yes but a fair amount of that judging is from other women.
Anordinarymum · 19/02/2021 12:18

I had some friends who were adamant they did not want children. Both of them were career orientated people and she was the high achiever in the relationship.
He later admitted to me that if she had wanted children he would have been really happy, but it was her decision to make and not his.

It's nobody's business but your own if you decide to or not to have children, but in a relationship it should be an equally made decision is all.

Jollygoodtime · 19/02/2021 12:21

It should be talked about before getting serious I think. But I don’t think a woman should have a baby for her partner if she doesn’t want one.

BashfulClam · 19/02/2021 12:24

I can’t have children so I get judged because I don’t discuss it. If someone says ‘you’ll regret it m!’ It hurts because I really want to be able to have them.

Emeraldshamrock · 19/02/2021 12:25

Ignore them. People say stupid things all the time with a judgemental attitude.
From child free, too old/young for DC, not financially stable, too ambitious, the list goes on.
The good news about aging is you care less for others opinions.
If it is any boost I envy your choice several times a day. Grin

Emeraldshamrock · 19/02/2021 12:26

@BashfulClam I'm sorry. I don't why any thinks it is okay to question these things. Flowers

DedlyMedally · 19/02/2021 12:33

I think it's easy to feel that way about it. Having kids is something most people do, so you're inclined to think about whether you're missing something.
But there's a lot of common human behaviour that we wouldn't question not engaging in.
For example, the fact that people will take on more debt than they can realistically manage is baked into our ideas of how the economy works. Humans are, in general, pretty bad at factoring in the long-term implications of their behaviour.
I've watched peers basically sleepwal into parenthood since my school days. On average, I would say that people who choose not to have kids have put more thought into the decision than people who do.

LakieLady · 19/02/2021 12:36

65 and child free, here, OP and I know just the sort of thing you're going through. Never regretted being child free, either!

A lot of people seem to think they have some sort of right to question your choice, and/or imply that they're in some way unnatural, which I think is sexist (I've never known a child free man asked the same sort of questions).

In the end, I just used to reply that I didn't want any and preferred having a dog. That usually shut them up. If not, and they were parents, I'd go on to say that I'd seen what a pain in the arse children could be and didn't see any reason to inflict that on myself!

LucilleTheVampireBat · 19/02/2021 12:37

Ignore it OP. You honestly have to wonder why people are so invested in whether or not a stranger chooses to have kids.

Imagine saying to a pregnant woman "Won't you regret having it"? You'd be called all sorts of names, yet it is perfectly acceptable to say "Won't you regret NOT having kids"!!

LunaHeather · 19/02/2021 12:44

Ktp100 "do find myself a bit sad for my friends who choose not to have kids that they'll never experience it."

This makes me wary of befriending people with children now. Among a host of other things.

ReggieKrait · 19/02/2021 12:44

@LucilleTheVampireBat precisely! I will never understand why some people get so wound up over what complete strangers choose to do with their lives, let alone feel the need to comment on it like self-righteous arseholes.

People who seem proud about being outspoken and brutally honest (like it’s a badge of honour) are often bad for this. Learn some manners and shut your trap 😂

strawberrypip · 19/02/2021 12:48

OP I have a 1 year old and already get asked fairly often when number 2 is coming along. like a previous poster said, you get judged whatever you do so do what you want.

LucilleTheVampireBat · 19/02/2021 12:50

do find myself a bit sad for my friends who choose not to have kids that they'll never experience it

Imagine how offended and defensive you would be if I said "I feel sad for my friends who have saddled themselves with screaming, night-waking, expensive dependents that they will have to consider in all of their decisions until the day they drop dead".

sensibleheartxo · 19/02/2021 12:54

I’m 35 and childless. I’ve never really been maternal and I always thought that one day it would happen then I met DP who has no desire to have children and we built a wonderful life together just the two of us. Children don’t fit into my or our plans and I’m happy with this decision.

Looking back on my childhood I realise my parents sacrificed a lot for us then when I was a teenager my mum left us as I guess she thought there was more to life than being a mum. Every single day I think about how miserable she must have been and how she must have viewed her children as a burden and resented us cos she couldn’t live the life she wanted. If I had a child I know I would have to give up this life I’m happy with. Maybe I’d be giving it up for a wonderful new life but that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

In my opinion having children needs to absolute yes I’ll go to the ends of the earth and back every single day for them or a no thanks I’ll be an auntie from afar and not some mediocre attempt at it.

billy1966 · 19/02/2021 12:56

Some women like to judge child less women, others like me respect their choices, don't remark upon it because we realise it is NONE of our business.

I can't stand nosey, judgemental, pass remarkable women...

See what I mean, most women are judgy about something...

See what I mean😁

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