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Original poster

Fed up with feeling judged for not having children

219 replies

Rainydays55 · 19/02/2021 10:39

I’m in my mid 30s and feel waves of really feeling judged for not having children , am I the only one?! Being a mum is not something that has ever really been on my radar, lots of my friends have had children since my 20s and I’ve seen how hard it is on them and their relationships as well as being lovely and that’s for people who have really wanted children. When I try to imagine having children in the future , because people have made me feel unusual for not having them, I try to picture being pregnant and having a child of different ages and it just feels weird for me to imagine, it’s hard to explain. But despite that at times people’s opinions , mixed with maybe hormones, try and make me imagine it to make sure I’m making the right decision. And then a few days later I think why am I even questioning myself, it’s not something I want.
I guess in my 20s I could easily say oh maybe one day or not for years, but now mid 30s people seem really serious when they say you ll regret this
which makes me worry!?
I don’t have any siblings so I won’t be an auntie and I feel sorry for my parents not being grandparents but I am auntie to lots of my friends children and a godmother .
I guess I just want someone to say it is ok whatever you choose and people maybe don’t look at me and think I’m weird like I think people do?! There just seems to be a lot more pressure on you in your 30s compared to 20s.

OP posts:
Redrunbluerun · 20/02/2021 08:19

I never wanted kids so I totally get you Op. I’m glad I did have them in the end, but I just had no maternal all feelings at all! I was quite fortunate as I worked in a male dominated industry so no one really asked.
As an aside I’ve seen on this thread people saying kids ruin marriages and their friends got divorced. It’s actually the case that you’re MORE likely to get divorced child free than with children.

EmpressWitchDoesntBurn · 20/02/2021 08:37

As an aside I’ve seen on this thread people saying kids ruin marriages and their friends got divorced. It’s actually the case that you’re MORE likely to get divorced child free than with children.

I wonder how much of that is about ‘staying together for the children’, though, or divorce just being that much simpler without kids involved?

ColdBrightClearMorning · 20/02/2021 08:40

@Redrunbluerun

I never wanted kids so I totally get you Op. I’m glad I did have them in the end, but I just had no maternal all feelings at all! I was quite fortunate as I worked in a male dominated industry so no one really asked. As an aside I’ve seen on this thread people saying kids ruin marriages and their friends got divorced. It’s actually the case that you’re MORE likely to get divorced child free than with children.
Probably because unhappy child free couples feel empowered to end it, whereas so many people struggle on ‘for the kids’. Not to mention the social pressure to stay together when you have children.
Ginfordinner · 20/02/2021 10:23

None of my child free friends have got divorced. They have all been married upwards of 30 years, and are still happy together.

CounsellorTroi · 20/02/2021 10:41

The worst part is when people use their loss, fertility issues or money problems against us. I've had friends guilt trip me for not having children when they can't have them.

That’s terrible. I couldn’t have children.but I’ve never felt resentment towards childfree people. Quite the opposite now I am way past having children.

the80sweregreat · 20/02/2021 10:54

Lots of people stay together for the sake of the children. My late inlaws , a few friends I know.
It's what people do.
Don't let people pressure you op! I say good for you and I have two of my own ( because I wanted to have children)
It's not a crime to not want children. People are so judgmental at times!

Emeraldshamrock · 20/02/2021 11:07

wonder how much of that is about ‘staying together for the children’, though, or divorce just being that much simpler without kids involved?
As parents you work harder to resolve issues in the relationship it isn't just our feelings. I've fell out with DP emotionally a few times over 16 years but we always fall back in love even stronger, cheesey I know but true.
He would do anything for me and the DC I'm glad we stay together.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 20/02/2021 17:25

The worst part is when people use their loss, fertility issues or money problems against us. I've had friends guilt trip me for not having children when they can't have them.

I’ve had that. Someone I met at a social thing told me I should donate my eggs if I wasn’t using them so that people like her, who couldn’t conceive naturally and who would need donor eggs, could have the children they desperately wanted. Yeah, because donating eggs is as simple as handing them over at the GP surgery, isn’t it? Never mind the issue of a child who is biologically yours rocking up in years to come.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 20/02/2021 17:26

As parents you work harder to resolve issues in the relationship

Oh fuck off. As if the child free are emotional flibertigibbets who flit about willy-nilly due to our lack of commitments.

poppyzbrite4 · 20/02/2021 18:30

@BrightYellowDaffodil

As parents you work harder to resolve issues in the relationship

Oh fuck off. As if the child free are emotional flibertigibbets who flit about willy-nilly due to our lack of commitments.

It's a very odd view. I've learned that childfree people do nothing but spend money and go on holiday. That's it. There is nothing more to our lives. Now it seems that those without children don't try very hard at their relationships (too busy going to Lanzarote and old style raving).
Whatflavourjellybabyisnice · 20/02/2021 20:11

@CounsellorTroi

Next time someone tells you you will regret not having children, say “I don’t think so, but so what if I do? I’ll just have to live with it. Regret is part of the human condition. I’d rather regret not having them than having them.”
Very good point.
Whatflavourjellybabyisnice · 20/02/2021 20:16

@BrightYellowDaffodil

The worst part is when people use their loss, fertility issues or money problems against us. I've had friends guilt trip me for not having children when they can't have them.

I’ve had that. Someone I met at a social thing told me I should donate my eggs if I wasn’t using them so that people like her, who couldn’t conceive naturally and who would need donor eggs, could have the children they desperately wanted. Yeah, because donating eggs is as simple as handing them over at the GP surgery, isn’t it? Never mind the issue of a child who is biologically yours rocking up in years to come.

That was a really rude and assuming thing to say. Not acceptable at all bit of probably came from a bitter place in their mind.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 20/02/2021 20:25

Of course it's fine op

Understand that some people who may seem concerned for you may feel that way because they care about you.

Some people will be childfree with no regrets. Some people will change the way they feel, but find it's too late etc, and may feel regret. Given that most people have continued to have children since contraception became widespread, it's likely more people ultimately want children than don't, so the people around you simply worry you might regret your choice.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 20/02/2021 20:26

Ps it shouldn't change that people should respect your choice

123HereComesTheSun · 20/02/2021 20:58

As parents you work harder to resolve issues in the relationship

"Oh fuck off. As if the child free are emotional flibertigibbets who flit about willy-nilly due to our lack of commitments."

I know for a fact that lots of my friends work harder at their marriages where kids are involved. They would have left years ago were it not for a few kids.

It's not a judgement on the childless. It's just a plain fact 🤷🏻‍♀️

BrightYellowDaffodil · 20/02/2021 22:50

Oh it’s a fact, is it? Care to share how you’ve quantified that? Was it part of a peer reviewed study? No, thought not.

Here’s a tip: staying for the kids doesn’t mean you’ve “worked harder for your marriage”, it means you put up with a load of shit you wouldn’t have entertained otherwise. It’s not “working harder” it’s “putting up for the sake of kids who probably wish you’d get divorced and have done with it”.

I've learned that childfree people do nothing but spend money and go on holiday. That's it. There is nothing more to our lives.

Of course there is nothing else to our lives. We are nowt but bar flies and good time girls, gadding through life and, putting less effort into our relationships (when we have them, ‘cos we’re too selfish, you see) and frittering away our money on baubles, bangles and entertaining ourselves. We recline luxuriously while others do life’s heavy lifting. Inconveniences like jobs/remembering to put out the bins/wondering where the council tax bill went are not for the likes of us!

Now, I can’t lollygag here all day; I need to squeeze in another cocktail before the pool boy moves my sunlounger into the shade and the manicurist arrives.

Emeraldshamrock · 20/02/2021 23:02

As parents you work harder to resolve issues in the relationship
This is my quote and my experience, thankfully I'm in a respectful relationship.

"Oh fuck off. As if the child free are emotional flibertigibbets who flit about willy-nilly due to our lack of commitments."
Did I say that?

I know for a fact that lots of my friends work harder at their marriages where kids are involved. They would have left years ago were it not for a few kids
I'm sorry your friends put up with that, you should never stay in a bad relationship for the DC but if there is hope and love it is worth making the effort to repair it.
Who knows if we'd still be together without the DC?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 20/02/2021 23:05

Did I say that?

Pretty much, yes.

TinkleyZebra · 20/02/2021 23:05

You might regret not having children. Equally you might have them and regret doing so. Just do what feels right for you and ignore everyone else. Fuck ‘em.

Emeraldshamrock · 20/02/2021 23:10

Oh fuck off. As if the child free are emotional flibertigibbets who flit about willy-nilly due to our lack of commitments."
Okay can you highlight the quote when I said it?
Maybe your projecting?
There has been times in my relationship when I've felt unhappy, thought there has to be more fun out there, times when finances were shit and life was difficult.
During those times I wouldn't have thought twice about leaving if it wasn't for the DC. I'm glad things improved all round. I may not have given it the time without DC, with DC it'd pull their world apart so it takes serious thought.
Can you not understand that?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 20/02/2021 23:18

“Pretty much” doesn’t mean “That’s exactly what you said and here’s the quote”, does it? It means “This is what you implied by what you said”. Is that so terribly hard to understand?

No projection here (you’re rather than your, btw) but just an absolute tiredness with the tropes peddled about those of us who chose not to have kids. Any sentence that begins “As parents...” is almost certainly patronising bollocks, and here the implication is that those who don’t have children make less effort. . As I said above “putting up” is not the same as “making more effort”.

Can you not understand that?

Bleachmycloths · 20/02/2021 23:19

I absolutely hate intrusive questions like this (eg ‘ have you never been married/Mr Right never came along?/why did you never have children?)
I would love people to respond with ‘What’s it to you, you nosy f**ker?’ 😊
But of course we can’t talk to people in that way. Eye contact plus a mild ‘Why do you ask?’ can work well. Especially when they start squirming as you silently wait for their answer as they realise what a nosy question they’ve asked.

RampantIvy · 20/02/2021 23:21

Why does it bother people with children so much that other people choose not to have them? Are they jealous?

Emeraldshamrock · 20/02/2021 23:33

I couldn't careless if you or anyone choose to have DC or not.
I was on the thread from the start.
I was responding to a poster who asked a question.

you’re rather than your, btw) This is the usual blow from an upset poster slag a posters SPAG to give them a jerk. Good on you. 🤣

BrightYellowDaffodil · 20/02/2021 23:34

I was on the thread from the start.

Good on you.