Fed up with feeling judged for not having children

[Rainydays55]

I’m in my mid 30s and feel waves of really feeling judged for not having children , am I the only one?! Being a mum is not something that has ever really been on my radar, lots of my friends have had children since my 20s and I’ve seen how hard it is on them and their relationships as well as being lovely and that’s for people who have really wanted children. When I try to imagine having children in the future , because people have made me feel unusual for not having them, I try to picture being pregnant and having a child of different ages and it just feels weird for me to imagine, it’s hard to explain. But despite that at times people’s opinions , mixed with maybe hormones, try and make me imagine it to make sure I’m making the right decision. And then a few days later I think why am I even questioning myself, it’s not something I want.
I guess in my 20s I could easily say oh maybe one day or not for years, but now mid 30s people seem really serious when they say you ll regret this
which makes me worry!?
I don’t have any siblings so I won’t be an auntie and I feel sorry for my parents not being grandparents but I am auntie to lots of my friends children and a godmother .
I guess I just want someone to say it is ok whatever you choose and people maybe don’t look at me and think I’m weird like I think people do?! There just seems to be a lot more pressure on you in your 30s compared to 20s.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I am currently 36 and pregnant with my first. I wanted children, but I certainly do not judge people who don't. It's their choice and their decision to make not mine.

I got constant questions from work colleagues as opposed to actual friends in my social circle after I got married in 2019 as to when I would be having children and now I am being asked (by the same people) if it was planned. I also get why wait until now, won't I be an "old" mum, one isn't enough, you need a sibling for your unborn child, you're having a boy so your next one should be a girl, was it planned at your age.

A fair few of my very good friends aren't parents, they don't want children and we don't feel the need to question them because we are good friends and don't care because it doesn't affect our relationships with them!

If you get asked constantly, just say " I do not want children. End of discussion" and if people truly are your friends they should respectfully back off.

You're absolutely right not to bow to any pressure from others about having children. It's a personal choice although sometimes listening to others you'd think we're living in medieval times and it's our duty to bear children! It's frustrating that so many people think it's ok to stick their beaks in a woman's fertility choices. Men generally don't get this kind of intrusion but it's perfectly acceptable to judge a woman.

IRL I don't know anyone who regrets a having children. I know a few women who regret not having children, including one who is trying ivf at 49 and another who has been suicidal and in counselling.

@MotherExtraordinaire

IRL I don't know anyone who regrets a having children. I know a few women who regret not having children, including one who is trying ivf at 49 and another who has been suicidal and in counselling.

And which of these two regrets are more socially acceptable to voice? I mean, why do you think there are not-infrequent anonymous posts on here from women who regret having children, but you don't know any in real life who have told you this?

@Ijustknowitstimetogo

For those of you who don’t have children do you ever worry that there will feel something missing when you get older, when other people have grandchildren as a main focus?

Do you worry about getting old and not having children and grandchildren around you especially for the very later or final years?

No

I never understood the grandchildren, if I didn't want children why on earth would I want grandchildren?

I'm glad I won't be a burden, even just for remembering to call.

When I watching It's A Sin - with phone boxes! - I was thinking it was probably easier to leave parents behind in those days.

Your post sounds like it is much more about your own (normal) ambivalence about the issue that anyone else's opinion. On a cognitive level you will be aware that of course, vast numbers of women choose not to have children and lead perfectly happy lives. BUT, the narrowing window of choice (with declining fertility) can provoke anxiety in terms of 'am I right, am I making the right decision, what if I'm wrong', which you are projecting onto those you perceive will be critical of you. There is certainly pressure here but most of it seems to be coming from yourself.

This happens whatever you do, child free, an only, more than two, more than four.

I’ve found it usually stems from feeling judged by a person that has chosen a different child path to you, and they project that right back.

It’s one of those things that shouldn’t be anyone else’s business, but seems to be everyone’s regardless.

Also, if they didn’t want kids as adults why on earth would they want grandkids in old age?

Yes exactly this. I am responsible for children most of my working day(pre covid) so I dont want to be responsible for children in my own time.

And to those who say things like ''wont you worry in older age you'll miss children and grandchildren? ''

You're just continuing this way of thinking...by assuming if you have kids...they will give you grandchildren I never understand these comments.

So I'll ask...to those with children who are thinking about their future years of being grandparents...what if your children tell you they wont be having kids? Is that it for you?will you be spending your retirement saddened and empty?what will you do?Will you try to talk your children into having them?

A neighbour of mine has dementia, she's in a home.
Her husband (70's) will have to give up the house as collateral for her care. So their 3 daughters inheritance they saved all their lives for,is gone.

Two daughters live abroad with their own children...the one remaining daughter here has no children and has had to leave her partner on the other side of the city to move in with her dad to help him and drive him to see his wife in the care home.

After his wife dies he will have to move in with his daughter and her partner as his house will be gone and spend his days there in a childfree environment.

I know this is only one story but just to give balance that having children or a bigger family doesn't always make life any happier or easier.

@dayslikethese1

I never understand the logic when people say you should have a kid in case you regret it. To me, the risk of regretting having a kid is way worse than the risk of regretting not having one so why would I have a kid I know I don't want just in case. That seems irresponsible really Anyway OP, don't worry just don't bring it up, people stop asking eventually I find (esp when they're busy with their own kids and don't have time to worry about whether other people have them or not).

Well yes exactly .

At 47, happily single and on the verge of perimenopause I don't expect to change my mind now. I occasionally tell myself "This is your last chance etc..." as a sort of experiment, but my biological clock remains resolutely silent. Thank fuck.

I’m 41 and happily childfree. I had a sterilisation last year, and have gained great peace of mind from it. I do find that people judge, and their comments are oh so predictable... you’ll regret it/you’ll be lonely when you’re old/your life will be empty/you’ll never know love like it/it’s different when they’re your own/your life won’t have purpose and meaning/it’s selfish not to have kids etc etc- I’ve seen it called breeder bingo. Each and every argument put forward is so easily refuted, despite people thinking they have the ‘gotcha’ convincing statement.

Childfree by choice, never worried about being judged though I guess someone somewhere is judging me (but that would happen to matter what I did).

It’s more commonplace than it has ever been in human history for a woman to choose not to procreate. There are many reasons not to and overpopulation is the most topical of these.

You’ve chosen the childfree life - now for goodness’ sakes get out there and enjoy it (COVID allowing)

The undercurrent of silent and not so silent judgement that woman= baby maker is not nice is it? Is not from all mums and dads and others - have lovely friends with kids and without but others seemed to shift in perspective either when they became parents and as we got older. Before I had my dc later in life, i remember as soon as i hit late 20s began to be treated differently. Some categorised me as a child as they suddenly could only see 2 categories - child or parent. Got a lot of "hey other mummy friends, your kids would love this silly toddler song/tv show...and Whatis you might like it too!", told i "didn't want to grow up", making comparisons between their children's and my lifestyle, constant mentions of my lifestyle only in the context of children eg: bought light carpet "you can tell you don't have kids!!!" And going the other way- the unnecessary patronising reassurance that my life was "fun" but was clearly considered 'behind'. Deciding 'presents for kids only' then being the only adult to receive presents, v kind intentions, but felt embarrassed and singled out in context of other behaviour. Another was feeling like being classed as 2nd class citizen and expected to sacrifice own significant events to focus on their kids and then cracking jokes about doing this at my expense, getting invited to adult events only for it to turn out it was v child focused and expected to give childcare. Being given fertility supplements unasked for "just in case", bringing up freezing eggs, being told "I'm getting on", being told that everyone else has grandchildren etc

It never seemed intentionally rude but it created so much pressure and expectation (and I actually wanted kids!) often it seemed to be out of being unsure what to do/jokiness and it all seemed more about them and their lives really- but it all added up and I'm very mindful of how to speak to people now. The criticisms and comments haven't stopped after having dc either they're just about other inappropriate things. People just can't keep their beaks out and feel that womens bodies and choices are up for discussion. Though men did start to get some of it, not as much though, when they got married. People are brainless!

Its noones bloody business what you choose to do and how you live. All that pressure might make you doubt but if you don't want them, don't do it x

I have never been unsure about having kids. Always just knew that I wanted them. I guess that you knowing that you don't want them is the same.
It's just that no one questioned my decision in the same way.

Am middle aged now. But through my 30's I did wonder why a couple of my good friends said they didn't want kids, simply because I thought that they would be great mothers. So, I did ask them about it. But not in a judgemental way.

Some of them had not met the right partner at the right time. Others just knew they didn't want kids 🤷‍♀️

Then as we neared our 40's a couple of those women did decide to have kids but not with a partner or with a partner & sperm donor etc...

It's a very common thing for people to wonder why some people don't. It doesn't mean everyone is judging you.
It would be great if people were more sensitive about who they ask & how.

We should clearly all be allowed to make our own minds up about this question that is so fundamental to our lives. But discussing it with someone you trust who won't be judgemental is not really a bad thing is it?

Please don't have kids if you don't want them. Be confident in this decision. It's fine to give it good consideration. After all you can't give them back once they are here. So best to be honest with yourself. No judgement here OP

@ktp100

I've been on both sides of this - I was adamant I didn't want kids until I was 37, I experienced the judgement and it pissed me off! Of course it's absolutely acceptable and normal for a woman to choose not to have children and frankly it's nobody else's business. These conversations must be particularly difficult for women who can't conceive. It's just shit.

I hit a really intense nesting phase and changed my mind (thank you evolutionary features that fuck women over with hormonal interference) and had my first at 40. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't imagine a life without my son now and am so glad I changed my mind. The joy is (again, thanks to evolution!) like nothing else and yes, I do find myself a bit sad for my friends who choose not to have kids that they'll never experience it.

THAT SAID - I keep those feelings in my head!!

So, now I think these comments mostly come from a well meaning place, one in which people honestly think you're missing out, BUT it is annoying, and it's none of their business.

Your life, your choice, OP.

I do agree with the above comment that women get judged whatever they do, though.

No need to feel sad for me @ktp100 I couldn’t be happier with my choices. Just because something has made you happy doesn’t mean that you can extrapolate from that that it would make everyone else happy in the same way. Nor that people who haven’t done it aren’t as happy as you.

A worrier by nature I am glad I don’t have kids. Most parents love them more than life itself and are always there for them. Well one day they won’t be. Chances are the worst times in your kids’ lives will be when you are too old or not even alive to help them. They will cry for you then and you won’t be there.

My mission in life is to stay alive long enough for my dog - then maybe I can relax

@MotherExtraordinaire

IRL I don't know anyone who regrets a having children. I know a few women who regret not having children, including one who is trying ivf at 49 and another who has been suicidal and in counselling.

FFS - there's always one

It's totally socially unacceptable to say that you regret having children, and therefore you virtually never hear people say this IRL. On social media, however, quite a few people say that they would not be parents if they could have their time again.

In any case, if you don't want children, and your only reason for having a child is the off-chance you might regret it in the future if you don't, that is a terrible reason for bringing another human being into existence. Children should be wanted, not some sort of Plan B in case of future existential angst.

I found that a lot of the baby angst and judgement fell away once people hit their 40s and things were settled either way. It was such a relief not to be constantly discussing family size, no kids, more kids etc and just to let everyone be as they were. Hopefully the same will happen to you - your 30s are the absolute peak of baby pressure.

OP, the situation peaks in your 30s then gets better once you are obviously past childbearing age. I'm in my late 40s and it's never mentioned now - I assume people see that ship has sailed and don't mention it.

I don't regret not having children, and like you I have no prospect of nieces or nephews.

Don't be swayed by people who are incapable of understanding that not everyone wants the same life as they do. At least some of the people making comments will be doing so to justify their own life choices - they'll have unthinkingly made a herd decision to procreate and are probably regretting being stuck with the responsibility of children.

Parents who seem as happy and secure with their choice are never the ones to criticise my choice!

@stampsurprise

A worrier by nature I am glad I don’t have kids. Most parents love them more than life itself and are always there for them. Well one day they won’t be. Chances are the worst times in your kids’ lives will be when you are too old or not even alive to help them. They will cry for you then and you won’t be there.

My mission in life is to stay alive long enough for my dog - then maybe I can relax

Well, I can only speak for myself, but it has honestly never occurred to me that I am in my child's life to prevent him from ever experiencing any suffering. My job as a parent is to model good relationships, and the enjoyment meaningful work brings etc, to give him the skills to survive, and hopefully thrive, in the world and then stand back and let him at it -- to make myself unnecessary.

I'm certainly not haunted by the fear that at some point he will need me and I won't be able to help. That's life, surely?

x-post with Blustery there!

I’m childfree by choice, OP. It was definitely the right decision for me, and I couldn’t possibly care less what anyone else thinks. My life, my body, my choice. Full stop.

Having kids is not compulsory, and being a parent isn’t for everyone. If you know it isn’t for you, stick to your guns and just ignore anyone who questions it. They can do them, you can do you.

I like this Steve Jobs quote, from a speech he made to a group of students:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

I've only known one lady who didn't have children and she didn't even justify her reasons for not having one ( why should she?)
Her dh had three older children from his first marriage , so they didn't want anymore! They travelled the world and were happy and had lots of money!
People might say all sorts, but it's up to you isn't it? Don't let people make you feel bad about your choices in this or start to pressure you either.

My relative feels like this. Almost like she gets treated younger or like she doesn't know as much because she doesn't have kids. Also like she has to prove her life is worthwhile and she's not a total loser (Her words) because she doesn't have children and isn't married. She's the same age as you OP.

Many of my friends don't have children and I don't think anything of it. We enjoy our shared interests and enjoy each others company. I certainly do not think less of them.

I'm disappointed that some posters have such horrible friends. I never had any horrible comments before I had DD.