Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with feeling judged for not having children

219 replies

Rainydays55 · 19/02/2021 10:39

I’m in my mid 30s and feel waves of really feeling judged for not having children , am I the only one?! Being a mum is not something that has ever really been on my radar, lots of my friends have had children since my 20s and I’ve seen how hard it is on them and their relationships as well as being lovely and that’s for people who have really wanted children. When I try to imagine having children in the future , because people have made me feel unusual for not having them, I try to picture being pregnant and having a child of different ages and it just feels weird for me to imagine, it’s hard to explain. But despite that at times people’s opinions , mixed with maybe hormones, try and make me imagine it to make sure I’m making the right decision. And then a few days later I think why am I even questioning myself, it’s not something I want.
I guess in my 20s I could easily say oh maybe one day or not for years, but now mid 30s people seem really serious when they say you ll regret this
which makes me worry!?
I don’t have any siblings so I won’t be an auntie and I feel sorry for my parents not being grandparents but I am auntie to lots of my friends children and a godmother .
I guess I just want someone to say it is ok whatever you choose and people maybe don’t look at me and think I’m weird like I think people do?! There just seems to be a lot more pressure on you in your 30s compared to 20s.

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 20/02/2021 23:35

@RampantIvy

Why does it bother people with children so much that other people choose not to have them? Are they jealous?
They do say misery loves company
Emeraldshamrock · 20/02/2021 23:35

@BrightYellowDaffodil 🤣 grow up.

Emeraldshamrock · 20/02/2021 23:39

Why does it bother people with children so much that other people choose not to have them? Are they jealous?
I don't think it is jealousy it is more mindless chit-chat than jealous.
No one has the right to question anyone on their personal life.
The more people are pulled up on it the better and sooner they realise how inappropriate it is.

SqeakyHindge · 20/02/2021 23:43

If I had been able to see what life was going to be like then I wouldn’t of had kids. It’s be shit life for them

OuiOuiKitty · 20/02/2021 23:56

I really don't understand why there are all these threads about this on mumsnet? Where do you live that not having children is some kind of massive statement? Every second person these days says that they want to be childfree. It isn't different, it isn't unusual, I just don't understand the big deal?
If people say something they are probably just trying to find something to talk about, find some common ground. I doubt they actually give a shit whether or not you have children. Shrug it off and move on like you would if someone asked you if you are going in holidays this year.

HurricaneBitch · 21/02/2021 00:03

I'm 53 and know quite a few people my age without children, my sister being one. I have no opinion either way, they all seem really happy in their choices. I think after 40 the comments stop, lol

RampantIvy · 21/02/2021 00:18

I agree with you @OuiOuiKitty. Whether you have children or not is no big deal either way. Maybe it is because we have family and friends who don't have them, and no-one judges.

Sunshine3013 · 21/02/2021 00:29

I actually agree with previous posters in that I've seen more loving, long lasting marriages of those who choose not to have kids. Maybe because they have more time to focus on each other and nurture the relationship. And this is coming from someone with two children.

Ohclappyyayy · 21/02/2021 01:55

Asking the question doesn’t bother me, flippant remarks don’t bother me particularly. But people do seem to give a shit if you don’t have children! We’re not just making it up Hmm I only become bothered when I am hounded about it or blatantly judged. It happens! It’s not just like someone asking where you are going on holiday and saying oh that’s nice and moving on OuiOui it tends to be more like ‘where you going? Why on earth would you even think about going there? Do you realise you’ve wasted all that money going to a place you’ll regret. I’m telling you, you’ll be sorry you went. Go somewhere else. Oh you’re sure you want to go? Yes but I’ve been and you really don’t. What does your partner think of you dragging them there. What a shame for them. It wouldn’t be me. He doesn’t want them either? No I don’t believe you. You sure he won’t leave to find someone who goes better holidays than you? What does your poor parents think? Ah well I can’t force you but you’ll change your mind anyway. I bet. shouts to pal clappy thinks she wants to to ... on holiday, I’ve told her she’s making a big mistake. Telling you love, you just don’t understand til you’ve been...
Monologue for dramatic purposes, based on very real conversations I wish I hadn’t had. Flashbacks Grin

DrunkBetch · 21/02/2021 02:03

I have children because I want them.
I have friends and a sister who don't and friends and a sister who do in equal measure. I love having people in my life in both situations. My parent friends are able to relate to stresses of being a parent and my non-parent friends mean we can talk about things which don't revolve around children.
If it's strangers judging you then fuck them!
If it's your friends then find new friends!
You are happy with your life choices. Don't give anyone elses opinions a second thought! 👊

gutful · 21/02/2021 02:14

@Ostryga

“I think when people judge it’s because they don’t want to look too deeply into their own life and choices, and so take it out on you.”

38 & childfree - couldn’t agree more

The people that assume you will regret it are the same prone to saying you only regret the children you didn’t have, not the ones you do”

When plenty of evidence shows many parents do regret having a child.

Same people who can’t imagine why anyone would decide to not envy their life or make different decisions than they have.

It’s ignorance & a small view of the world.

Bainne · 21/02/2021 06:09

@Ohclappyyayy

Asking the question doesn’t bother me, flippant remarks don’t bother me particularly. But people do seem to give a shit if you don’t have children! We’re not just making it up Hmm I only become bothered when I am hounded about it or blatantly judged. It happens! It’s not just like someone asking where you are going on holiday and saying oh that’s nice and moving on OuiOui it tends to be more like ‘where you going? Why on earth would you even think about going there? Do you realise you’ve wasted all that money going to a place you’ll regret. I’m telling you, you’ll be sorry you went. Go somewhere else. Oh you’re sure you want to go? Yes but I’ve been and you really don’t. What does your partner think of you dragging them there. What a shame for them. It wouldn’t be me. He doesn’t want them either? No I don’t believe you. You sure he won’t leave to find someone who goes better holidays than you? What does your poor parents think? Ah well I can’t force you but you’ll change your mind anyway. I bet. shouts to pal clappy thinks she wants to to ... on holiday, I’ve told her she’s making a big mistake. Telling you love, you just don’t understand til you’ve been... Monologue for dramatic purposes, based on very real conversations I wish I hadn’t had. Flashbacks Grin
Yes, pretty much this.

And when I did have DS just shy of 40, the same type of person instantaneously switched to ‘When are you having another? You’d better get a move on! What do you mean, you aren’t having another? Why not? Seriously, you can’t do that to a child! He’ll be a lonely only! That’s unbelievably selfish! Only children are always weird!’ Etc etc.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 21/02/2021 07:59

@RampantIvy

Why does it bother people with children so much that other people choose not to have them? Are they jealous?
I don't think it's jealousy exactly, but some do seem outraged that you have even considered being CF as an option. The reaction's as if they asked you your job and you said, "I've decided never to get one and just live off benefits".

It's as if you've skived off something, which is odd as we're also supposed to be missing out...."How dare you skive off this massive joy?" pretty much sums it up 🤷‍♀️

Adancewithdragons · 21/02/2021 08:21

I once read that people are obsessed with women having children as it’s only recently (last 50-60yrs) that it’s been a choice not to have babies due to contraception. I’m hoping that in another 50 years it becomes more normal for women to choose not have children and maybe people won’t ask but I may be optimistic

lucylouz · 21/02/2021 08:27

I think if the 'you'll regret it' comments are coming from people who have children I wouldn't take any notice because how would they possibly know you will regret it? Perhaps if the advice is coming from people who haven't had children and feel that way I'd take it a little more seriously but then still everyone is different so what somebody else might regret doesn't mean that you will. Don't force yourself to have a child just because it's seen as the 'norm'.

Highfalutinlootin · 21/02/2021 08:32

OP I'm happy to come here just to be supportive of you and say it's more than ok to be a woman who doesn't have kids either because she couldn't or just didn't want to. I have a kid, but pretty much none of my friends do, and I don't think any less of them. Our friendships continue on as normal, and I admire all they are doing with their lives.

At least for me, I've always viewed having children as a lifestyle choice like a hobby. I always thought I'd enjoy it. But I don't look down on my friends who don't like tennis even though I do, and I feel the same about kids. I promise those of us who truly don't care are out here.

Fluffien · 21/02/2021 08:39

I think as women we get judged for everything, having no children, only having one, having too many. Sorry you have been subjected to this, it sounds teedious AF and it's frustrating that people can't see that we are all individuals and want different things (aside from those who heartbreakingly have no choice of course). I would say it's becoming more common to remain childfree, out of my friendship group about half of us have children and the other half are happily childfree and want to remain so. We all have fulfilling lives, even if some of us fleetingly daydream about what it's like on the other side. I certainly do!

Its very sad that for some they still seem to equate a woman's worth with whether she has spawned, which isn't the case at all. I would just say yes thank you, very happy with my choice.

Spillanelle · 21/02/2021 08:49

It’s good that it’s becoming gradually more socially acceptable for women to say they don’t want to have children. Awful to think of how many children over the years have been born to parents who may have regretted it. My friends Mum admitted to her that she’d never wanted to have kids but felt pushed into it, she was always a good mum, and is a brilliant grandmother, but it still must be awful to find that out (not sure why she told her really Confused)

There is still a lot of judgement out there though isn’t there, sorry that you’re having to deal with that OP. My colleague is a similar age to you and adamant that she doesn’t want children, her boss (male, senior leader) told her in her annual performance review that he thought that she should reconsider and that she would likely seriously regret it. WTF!

CornishPastyDownUnder · 21/02/2021 08:56

Thats really tough @Rainydays55 must get right on your nerves..it did me! i had kids later-way after all my friends-i was convinced it wasnt for me,didnt get what the appeal was&didnt want my life/plans/freedom messed up.I met a guy who was very keen very quick&it got me thinking-anyway ff3yrs&i had2 DC..its changed everything in my life for the better but i know at least50%of my mates dont enjoy it or have very poor relationships with their kids so i consider myself fortunate indeed.Ive bought my kids up to put themslves 1st-relationships if&when they choose,society places far too much emphasis on a partner&co-habiting to 'achieve happiness' & having kids-well why bother if its not your thing-i think theres 1000's of things you could do that will be just as rewarding if you dont have any 'clock ticking'go a different path..No regrets✌

LApprentiSorcier · 21/02/2021 09:06

Every second person these days says that they want to be childfree

The current statistic (according to ONS) is that one in five women is childfree by the time they reach the end of their childbearing years. That will include women who wanted them but couldn't have them, so the figure for childfree by choice must be lower, but on either measure it isn't one in two!

ColdBrightClearMorning · 21/02/2021 09:44

@Spillanelle

It’s good that it’s becoming gradually more socially acceptable for women to say they don’t want to have children. Awful to think of how many children over the years have been born to parents who may have regretted it. My friends Mum admitted to her that she’d never wanted to have kids but felt pushed into it, she was always a good mum, and is a brilliant grandmother, but it still must be awful to find that out (not sure why she told her really Confused)

There is still a lot of judgement out there though isn’t there, sorry that you’re having to deal with that OP. My colleague is a similar age to you and adamant that she doesn’t want children, her boss (male, senior leader) told her in her annual performance review that he thought that she should reconsider and that she would likely seriously regret it. WTF!

My mum told me she regretted having kids and advised me never to have them.

I was 13ish and really appreciated her honesty, I understood it was her saying that she’d had little choice in the matter (or felt that she had) and that she would have liked to have had a childfree life having experienced being a parent.

She was an amazing mum, best ever, I never felt any pain or hurt from her telling me that. If anything I felt closer to her that she’d trusted me enough to be so open and honest. I think as a parent you’re usually able to gauge your child’s emotional maturity and whether it’s appropriate to say certain things to them.

CounsellorTroi · 21/02/2021 10:32

My colleague is a similar age to you and adamant that she doesn’t want children, her boss (male, senior leader) told her in her annual performance review that he thought that she should reconsider and that she would likely seriously regret it. WTF!

Seriously he needs to be reported to HR for that. Then again, childlessness/childfreedom does not figure in many employers’ equality policies.

Emeraldshamrock · 21/02/2021 10:52

My mum told me she regretted having kids and advised me never to have them
My mine never said it, it was easy to see it was overwhelming for her with 5.
Once we became young adults she relaxed and she had a great relationship with each of us she definitely didn't enjoy young DC. I miss her.

Emeraldshamrock · 21/02/2021 10:53

Meant my Mam. Not my mine. Blush

31RooCambon · 21/02/2021 10:58

@CounsellorTroi

I do have dcs and I love them very much, but looking deep inside myself, and at the lives of my friends and family who don't (around 50% I would say, and we're all either past or nearly past the fertility point), I would have had a perfectly lovely life if I'd stayed child-free. That doesn't mean that I wish I hadn't had them, just that there are lots of ways to be happy and fullfilled in life.

So true, but I think people who feel like you - that their lives would have been equally good without children, but in a different way - are in the minority. I've often seen on here "my life would have been so empty if I hadn't had children" - but I think that says more about them than about the experience of having children.

I think Biology tricks us. In my mid 30s I kind of panicked, settled for an arsehole and children. By the time I was 45 I thought, Christ, here I am, a single mother working round the clock and coming home to a messy house with two teens who hardly speak to me and I have to do all the housework as well, and yet, support them emotionally so that they don't end up depressed, de-motivated with their school work etc. It's bloody tough. By the time you realise that you could be free do a stained glass, a philosophy degree, go and see the northern lights, sit in a warm geyser .......... by that point, you look up and you have children who will still need CARE and attention and sacrifice and love for another 8 or so years and I'm so ready for the empty nest stage of my life. I'm embarrassed by how ready I am for that.