Which parent is being in reasonable?

[HappyasLaura]

Wanted to canvas the opinions of mumsnet as to who is being unreasonable.
2 parents, one working full time from home in a fairly full on corporate type job.
The other is currently a stay at home parent with one easygoing Y2 child albeit one who isn’t great at entertaining themselves.

Parent 1 gets the child up every morning (parent 1 is in the home office by 7.30, so before parent 2/child gets up), does breakfast, does the homeschooling, entertains child after school, let’s child watch 90 mins of TV in the evening while they are in the home gym.
Parent 1 makes dinner for everyone (generally does the bulk of the housework, shopping, bins out etc)
Parent 2 appears out of the home office around 6.30 at which time everyone has dinner then parent 2 usually does the bedtime routine and once that’s done, heads out for a walk for an hour or so.

Parent 2 doesn’t do much in the house aside from all of the washing and changing beds (not a huge chore given only 3 people in the family) and a bit of tidying at the weekends.

Parent 1 complains parent 2 does nothing in the house and they have to do everything including everything school related. They also feel that parent 2 has it a lot easier and has opted out of parenting and hides away all day in their home office.

Parent 2 thinks they’re working hard in the home office and the above is the job of Parent 1 so isn’t hugely sympathetic but acknowledges that homeschooling is a ball ache and is happy they don’t have to do it.

Ps Neither bastard wants to leave the other bastard and neither is being abused, financially or otherwise.

Which parent is being unreasonable if either?

Sorry parent 2 is at work before parent one gets up etc.

Neither - this whole thing sucks, everyone needs a break and it sounds like you both get break (working parent gets a walk, other parent gets 90 mins in the gym) - presumably child care parent gets outside time during the day with the child? - non issue I think!

Seriously - there is no way out of this - working parent can’t stop working so very little choice and no one is not pulling their weight.

I'm confused.

Stay at home parent should be doing all of home school and housework.

Both parents do house and childcare stuff when working day is over. Both parents get some free time.

Both a bit unreasonable.

The child caring parent sounds like they want a bit more support and never gets time for themselves.
Working parent is working long hours, which is tiring.

Both sound like they need a good rest.

The stay at home parent. It sounds like the working Parent is up first, working first, works solidly, does bedtime, does the washing, does the beds, tidies at weekend. Parent twos job is the child and home.

Accusing the working parent of “hiding away” when they are working is a bit shitty.

I think both parents are looking for something to argue about - seems a reasonable split of household responsibilities- which include, raising children, cooking, cleaning and earning the money.

So long as the parent who does the bulk of the childcare gets a break on their own in the evenings/weekends then it sounds fair enough.

The SAHP clearly has it much easier normally, with one child at school all day, while the other parent works full time in a full on corporate job. The issue seems that The SAHP is the one whose daily routine has become more demanding during lockdown, while the WOHP is probably relishing the lack of commute. Sounds like that’s the real issue.
Once schools are back, the SAHP will remember which side their bread’s buttered!

Agree that the expression 'hiding away' in an office is really unkind... my DH does a very stressful, corporate type job in his office, he frequently does 12 hour days ... at his desk by 7.30am mornings, very challenging situations to deal with ... in a industry where many companies and colleagues of his are losing their jobs. It's not 'hiding away' .

I didn’t understand the first bit about parent 1 getting the child up and going to the home office before the child and other parent gets up.

Other than that sounds like Parent 1 is being unreasonable. Parent 2 is not hiding in the home office, they are working.

Sounds like the working parent doesn't actually have any free time to offer. They are up before everyone else working, dont finish till dinner time. They're doing the night routine. What can they do? Stop working to come do some home schooling so the non-working parent can have a break?
They seem to both get equal down time in the day for excersise so it sounds fair. non-working parent should be doing the homeschooling and majority of the housework.

I think both parents need to recognise when they are working it's work there's no better than. They need equal time to relax and have time away from the child.

By y2 I'd expect you to be able to get on with stuff while your child is around. However obviously the time you would have for that at home while they were at school is now home schooling. So I think you probably need to recognise things are harder right now.

I also think if the child can't entertain themselves you need to work on that as a priority.

The parent with a paid job is not hiding away, any more than they were hiding away when they worked in their employer's office building. If it's a heavy job and there's a stay at home parent, then the SAHP shouldn't expect to see their partner within working hours.

That's the deal when one partner works a Big Job and the other stays home to keep the house and family functioning, surely?

You’re being unreasonable for writing it like this. Also the timings are a bit weird. Is the 90 minutes of tv while parent A is in the gym before or after the 6:30pm teatime? Because if it’s before then ‘entertains the child after school’ is stretching the truth to breaking point and I’d be a bit fed up with that as the working parent. Or if it’s after tea the child’s bedtime must be really late and it’s a late time to be going for a walk this time of year.

Both parents are tired and stressed but with only one child and a full time stay at home parent they are in a better position than a lot of people.

Parent 1 is the stay at home parent so at the moment homeschooling and housework is their job.

Parent 2 could acknowledge that they are both stressed at the moment and perhaps take the child to the park or on a long walk at the weekend to give parent 1 a rest. Apart from that though I think they have a reasonable balance.

I think you have got parent 1 and 2 confused when it comes to getting up in the morning.

Neither is being unreasonable with what they do.

Parent 1 is unreasonable for complaining about parent 2 (as opposed to complaining about the situation in general). I am assuming that Parent 2 is definitely working and bringing in a decent wage? Saying Parent 2 is “hiding out” is unkind.

Both parents are knackered and burnt out, and should be kind to each other. Start with a takeaway this weekend, leave dc to entertain themselves and watch a nice film together.

This is hard on all parents.

Ok, so if I have it right,
Parent 2 gets up first and works through until 18.30, has tea together, then does bedtime and heads out for a walk.
They also do all the washing and change the beds

Parent 1 is up later, takes care of the child and has 90 mins of time to exercise through the day. They do the rest of the house chores.

If this is right, I don't really see a problem, Both parents are working really hard, both parents are getting a little time for themselves and both are doing chores around the house.
Do you get weekends together, so you get family time together ?

Sounds like a reasonable division of labour to be honest.

Parent 1 has a pretty sweet life, from where I sit. A home gym, too!
I'm sure a fair proportion of MNers would happily swap with him/her.

The SAHP is unreasonable. It looks like a good split and yes as a SAHP the job is to entertain, care for and as of right now educate the child during the day while the working parent works - not hiding away!!

If the SAHP thinks both should be involved in caring for the child during the day then maybe the SAHP should also get a job and then there is a good reason for both to not hide away during the day

I think both are at each other because it's tough on both parents who are knackered.
Be kind to each other you are both busy just in different roles.

With one Y2 child, the SAHP should be doing pretty much all the housework.

I'd say the SAHP is being unreasonable

A stay-at-home parent of one school aged child (albeit currently homeschooling) is not a hard life!
The other parent is working, so it's expected that they do less of the other stuff.
The SAHP is being unreasonable.