Which parent is being in reasonable?

[HappyasLaura]

Wanted to canvas the opinions of mumsnet as to who is being unreasonable.
2 parents, one working full time from home in a fairly full on corporate type job.
The other is currently a stay at home parent with one easygoing Y2 child albeit one who isn’t great at entertaining themselves.

Parent 1 gets the child up every morning (parent 1 is in the home office by 7.30, so before parent 2/child gets up), does breakfast, does the homeschooling, entertains child after school, let’s child watch 90 mins of TV in the evening while they are in the home gym.
Parent 1 makes dinner for everyone (generally does the bulk of the housework, shopping, bins out etc)
Parent 2 appears out of the home office around 6.30 at which time everyone has dinner then parent 2 usually does the bedtime routine and once that’s done, heads out for a walk for an hour or so.

Parent 2 doesn’t do much in the house aside from all of the washing and changing beds (not a huge chore given only 3 people in the family) and a bit of tidying at the weekends.

Parent 1 complains parent 2 does nothing in the house and they have to do everything including everything school related. They also feel that parent 2 has it a lot easier and has opted out of parenting and hides away all day in their home office.

Parent 2 thinks they’re working hard in the home office and the above is the job of Parent 1 so isn’t hugely sympathetic but acknowledges that homeschooling is a ball ache and is happy they don’t have to do it.

Ps Neither bastard wants to leave the other bastard and neither is being abused, financially or otherwise.

Which parent is being unreasonable if either?

Would it change anything if I said that Parent 1 worked in a corporate job themselves for years, worked very hard, long hours etc. (We met at work) As did parent 2 but parent 2 took a step back to be a SAHP for a good few years and went back to work 3 years ago (slightly different field so less pressure, less brutal hours but still plenty of pressure and long hours if that makes sense)

Parent 1 was made redundant last year just prior to the pandemic and haven’t been able to find a job.
Therefore The SAHP hasn’t always been a SAHP and is not currently one by choice.
However theoretically this shouldn’t change anything since these are the roles both parents find themselves in, irrespective of whether it’s by choice or not.

@Beautiful3 agree.

Am a single working from home full-time and home schooling. This makes me glad that I am single and don't have someone monitoring me...WFH is hard...keeping on top of house work is hard...looking after kids is hard.

OP is definitely the SAHP reading that, and has a cushy life I’d kill for right now!

Agree it doesn’t sound shit. One parent working in a home office (not at kitchen table shushing everyone, proper IT etc) . One parent supervising a junior school age child who has access to all IT they need. SAHP would be doing breakfast, own lunch and dinner anyway. Cereal, sandwich and something in slow cooker for dinner. Yes I appreciate they need help with learning but unless child has additional needs then make sure logged on, give them sheet etc make sure they are on task and say have a go I’ll come back in 15 mins to see how you getting on. In school they get on with tasks independently there’s one teacher for 30. Most parents of 7 year olds are wfh and homeschooling them.

Kind of guessed OP would be the SAHP.

I reiterate: if you think WFH is so easy, get a job and ask the WFH parent to do your role.

It sounds like a pretty good split to me. I mean, how is the evening routine not a drag but the morning one is?

Jesus wept

@HappyasLaura

Would it change anything if I said that Parent 1 worked in a corporate job themselves for years, worked very hard, long hours etc. (We met at work) As did parent 2 but parent 2 took a step back to be a SAHP for a good few years and went back to work 3 years ago (slightly different field so less pressure, less brutal hours but still plenty of pressure and long hours if that makes sense)

Parent 1 was made redundant last year just prior to the pandemic and haven’t been able to find a job.
Therefore The SAHP hasn’t always been a SAHP and is not currently one by choice.
However theoretically this shouldn’t change anything since these are the roles both parents find themselves in, irrespective of whether it’s by choice or not.

No it doesn’t change anything, because it is about the current situation. Currently Parent 1 is not pulling their weight and Parent 2 is.

Your update makes a small difference - if you haven't chosen to be a SAHP it's not a great place to find yourself, especially with home schooling thrown in. Being a SAHP is something that really needs to be a positive choice. So I have more understanding of why the SAHP is moaning.

However, it still stands that the working parent is contributing a reasonable amount.

@Muskox

Your update makes a small difference - if you haven't chosen to be a SAHP it's not a great place to find yourself, especially with home schooling thrown in. Being a SAHP is something that really needs to be a positive choice. So I have more understanding of why the SAHP is moaning.

However, it still stands that the working parent is contributing a reasonable amount.

Agree with this. However, if you haven’t chosen to be a SAHP, is it financially feasible or is the fact the the SAHP hasn’t had a job for a year now having a detrimental affect on finances?

Would it change anything if I said that Parent 1 worked in a corporate job themselves for years, worked very hard, long hours etc. (We met at work) As did parent 2 but parent 2 took a step back to be a SAHP for a good few years and went back to work 3 years ago (slightly different field so less pressure, less brutal hours but still plenty of pressure and long hours if that makes sense)

No, it doesn't change anything about the current situation and it's fairly shitty of the SAHP to accuse the working parent of "hiding away" when s/he is in a pressure job that requires long hours.

Do you have another source of income that means the working parent doesn't actually have to work or does the household need the income for mortgage, food etc? I can't think of another reason why the SAHP would expect the working parent to take time from their working day to help with household stuff.

I suppose it comes down to whether parent 2 needs to be in the office all that time and whether one of the parents is having all/a lot of their downtime sucked away when the other is living similarly.

DH and I had a row about this precisely because while DH needs to be working for a large chunk of the day, he was working it so that he just carried on as normal whereas I was having to pick up on 2 DC with differing needs homeschooling while also having to do the bulk of the day to day household stuff and my own work. On paper normally DH and I have a good split of chores, but when something goes south only one of us (me) picks up slack from the other. The DC caught DH out hiding in his bedroom office watching Netflix while having claimed to be needing to work late, and it transpired he'd been doing that regularly. That's when the argument kicked off - I don't mind him being tucked away to work, and I don't mind if that work goes over normal working times or is at odd hours, but I do mind him carving out downtime and expecting me to pick up the slack.

Would it change anything

No. You're being unreasonable, but you clearly aren't going to accept it.

All this comes down to is that SAHP partner doesn't like their partner.

SAHP should be doing all the washing and cooking while WFH Parent is working. And cooking extra during the week so that both parents have as much of their evenings and weekends free to concentrate on each other and child.

Rather than framing this a "who has it worst" situation, why not think about ways that you could improve your situation without making the other person's situation worse?

So if the issue is that it's relentless during the day, maybe the wfh parent can take a break during the day and do something with the DC to give the SAHP a rest. But the flip side of this might be that the SAHP then has to do bedtime while the WFH parent catches up on the work time they missed.

I think the unreasonable bit is all the complaining that is going on and the shoving it in the face of each other. The working parent perhaps needs to not book out of the home super early - so basically maybe has child for half an hr before work and pops a cup of tea to parent 2 while they are getting ready. But where one is working full time and doing bed laundry and bedtimes I think that is enough. Parent 1 sounds a bit 4 wallish as there is nothing much to relieve the monotony of lockdown - but that is just how it is at the moment we are all a bit fed up.

I suggest changing up the routine a bit and maybe making time to have a nice evening - favourite meal glass of wine, chill out with a film etc once child in bed. More generally try actually changing behaviour to each other - make it a thing to say one nice thing to the other person and do one nice thing every day. I am not saying have a check list but be actively kind type of thing. If you always do the same thing you will always get the same result. Look at what you can influence

Neither

But you clearly think so - so have a chat

So the SAHP usually gets lots of free time whilst child at school but now has to home educate... the working parent works before and still now...

The SAHP needs to do that role and home educate - schools will be back soon so can do whatever they do during the day again soon...the working parent will still have to work....

SAHP is being unreasonable

I'm with the working parent. And I'm the part-time worker/part SAH parent in our scenario.

DS is at nursery but I'd be doing the homeschooling on my days off if he were older.

SAHP should do all schooling and childcare and (I know not a popular opinion on mumsnet) but I would say 70% of housework/cooking/food shopping etc. As someone who works an intense corporate job if I had a SAHP who also expected me to do 50% of housework and homeschooling I’d be questioning the value of them not working big time. I agree the working parent needs to engage with the child and some chores on weekends but I think the balance should be towards the SAHP. If the working parent was at the office the SAHP wouldn’t have any choice but to do all the homeschooling so why should they be involved if they’re working all day just at home?

They already do bedtime and all the laundry so not like they’re completely opting out. Maybe they could cook a bit on weekends too and maybe be responsible for cleaning a couple of rooms but sounds like the balance is reasonable. I personally find doing all the laundry a pain even for two people so don’t think it’s a small job.

I work f/t outside the home and right now my DH is a sahp; if he seriously thought I should do an equal share of the housework alongside my job I would be really angry. I've been the one at home before, when the kids were much younger and more in need of almost constant supervision, and I recognised that part of the sahp role is to take on more of the domestic load.

The SAHP is living the life

Parent 1 is BU, sorry. What's wrong with this division of labour? seems fair to me. Parent 2 does a full day of work to earn money for everyone to live on; Parent 1 does the childcare, homeschooling and bulk of housework. Sounds fair.

Parent 1 the SAHP sounds a bit unreasonable although I appreciate it is out of frustration.
But parent 2 is working and providing and can’t really be expected to undertake home learning, meal prep for the entire family (which may impact productivity at work when stability of income is a priority) while parent 1 takes a break. It’s crap all around but it sounds like an equal division of labour, not really sure what parent 1 would reasonably want to improve the situation.

Really? I get you're tired and stressed, almost all of us are. But a two parent household, only one person WFH, with one child (no SEND mentioned). Presumably a reasonable income? And you're resenting each other over the domestic workload....enough to post on here? There are single parents coping with several DC and doing all the homeschooling, housework, cooking, shopping admin and maintainence..... or acting as carers ....on top of WFH....,often with money worries . And you're in a relatively privileged position and still bickering over this? I seriously would change your mindset and count your blessings!